teatreeoil007

Firesong,
I sincerely hope you are not sad. It sounds like to me your friend has grown distant; for whatever reason(s). Likely not on purpose, that is just the way it goes sometimes and that's okay. Your friend is likely doing just fine and/or well! So be happy for him if that is the case.

But, what I sense from you is that this is more about you needing to be in control of "ending it" or you need to be the one to "dump a friend" so that you can feel okay with it all and get on with your life minus the friend?

Chances are, since you really haven't seen the your friend and/or been around him for this past year, you really don't truly know what is going on with him and/or how he is really doing. Why things are like that I cannot say. Your friend could actually be doing very well, but have asked him? You are presenting YOUR side of it and trying to figure it out for yourself. I don't sense that you have a true sincere concern for your friend's well being, and this is more about closure for yourself.

I wish you the best.

teatreeoil007

Firresong, you wrote:

" I wish he had some other friends in addition to me. I wish he did some of the group things at the clinic. All he does is go to work, go home, lie around all weekend doing nothing. "

This seems like a very unkind and judgmental thing to say. Has he no redeeming qualities? What does he do when he goes to work? Have you any idea? Some peoples' jobs are highly demanding and stressful. How do know what he does all weekend? Why do you say he lays around all weekend doing nothing?! And, what makes you think you are his only friend? As you say, you really haven't been around him much, so how can you make these assumptions? Good grief.

cleaninLI

Treetop you aren't the only one whose so called friend showed mix-messages that totally confused you. I've been through it...and I know many who have. It's unfortunate that some can't be open and honest. I assume in some situations the person fears telling the person the truth for whatever reason? But the lesson I needed to learn was that actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to what your friend does not so much what he says. Also, to love myself enough to not allow myself to be treated badly by anyone. For instance, if the friend doesn't call me much or keep in touch with me and doesn't seem like he/she wants to continue the friendship, I do not invest myself in it either. Also the friend that is never there when I need a friend, but expects me to be available for them and on their terms. Nope! Not the friend for me!
Firesong,
Unfortunately, there are lots of signs that this friendship is ending so I suggest you think about what you want out of this friendship. If you really want it to work out you'll have to have a serious talk with your friend. But if after....nothing changes and you don't see any enthusiasm on his part to continue then you've got to do what's right for yourself. I know it hurts!!! I've been through this exact thing more than once! The good news is...I have also found very good lasting friendships. I'm married to my very best friend and our friendship and love for one another has not fizzled out! So don't worry. There are people out there that deserve and value you and your love and friendship!

teatreeoil007

Wow. You would make a good mediator. You bring reason and clarity. What you say makes total sense. I realize that I am a strong person and tend to think I don't need other people much, but there are many people who need me and the reality is-I do need lots of love and support in order to do what I do.

sobercanblonely

I think you are totally correct, I was a meth addict for many years, I have been clean for 8 years and have really been struggling find pleasure in ANYTHING, it's really tough. Don't give up on your friend, be there for him when he needs you , that's all you can do.

teatreeoil007

Excellent advice and insight!

I try to remind myself that the brain is an organ in the body just like any other organ. Just so happens it is a very COMPLEX organ and it is frustrating that not enough is KNOWN to bring more relief to those who are experiencing torment.

The person with a tormented mind needs love, compassion, patience and sometimes mercy. Anyone of us could be that person who's mind is in various stages of healing. When I look at it and think of it that way, it helps me to be more understanding. When I have gained a good measure of understanding it helps me in my actions toward the one who is suffering.

My eye's have been opened a little further on this concept by being exposed to and caring for people who have had head injuries/brain injuries.

Firesong

Thanks, sobercanblonely. This is what I am doing. Being there for him when he needs me. Just as I have done from the start of our friendship. He's my friend, what can I say?

--------------------------------
Looks like teatreeoil007 has tried to take over this thread because she sees herself as a big swaggering "force" of some sort. What s/he doesn't get is that I don't reckon with this type of "force," or person.

So I'm now gonna walk away from this thread that I started and let tto007 do what s/he likes. Because I'm not gonna waste my time or energy reckoning with this sort of mindset.

teatreeoil007

Wise move on your part, firesong. Good job!

Bumblebee90

Wow. I got on SoberRecovery because I'm going through some rough times with a friend and Firesong's story hit home with me. I've also got a friend who is recovering from addiction (I never knew him when he was actively using); we met a little over two years ago and have been close friends for about half that time. The problem is, like Firesong's situation, our relationship is very rocky. One day we can sit down together and talk for hours, only to have him completely ignore me the next. This is not the normal highs and lows of a regular friendship...it's like he intentionally wants to keep me at arm's length; whenever we get emotionally close and it seems like things are better than ever, he pushes me away.

I am NOT going to give up on this friendship but, I have to admit that, sometimes, it is tempting. Despite the fact that I have friendships with lots of addicts/ex-addicts, have attended recovery support groups, researched addiction, etc...I'm more emotionally involved in this and it's hard to keep a good perspective about everything. The thing of being treated like a best friend one day and then a total stranger the next is exhausting. It makes me wonder if I'm being a nuisance when I do try to talk to him, spend time with him, and be there for him....it makes me feel like I'm just more of a problem in his life and I wonder if just leaving him would actually make him happier.

If anyone feels like giving me some insight here, it would be very much appreciated! I honestly want to be a supportive, safe, accepting friend...but I definitely don't want to make things worse for him by interfering where he would rather just be left alone.

Soberwolf

Remember you in all of this Firesong

Welcome Bumblebee youl find tons of support here

atalose

Often on SR you will hear people describe the addict in their lives with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde almost like 2 separate people exists with in the addict. It sounds like the using person was the one you formed the friendship with and now the non- using person is the one you don’t know or really like. Most times it’s the opposite.

Now it’s as if you need to form a whole new friendship with this person only this person is most comfortable being alone. If you can accept that, accept the friendship on their terms accept that most likely it is not going to be a give and take type of friendship then remain friends just don’t expect too much. And if you find yourself hurt, frustrated then it’s not a healthy friendship for you to continue. Let it die it’s natural death and just stop calling him or trying to reach out.

Not everyone is meant to stay in our lives. Sometimes they just pass along to help us learn a life lesson.

teatreeoil007

Welcome to the board bumblebee and it's plain you are making a genuine effort to try and come up with what is going to help...and that is a very tough thing to know in certain situations.

I know I came on too strong in my stance with Firesong and as result she wants nothing to do with me and my 'force'. I don't blame her. That is why I have said in one of my posts that I realize I need to be more careful about where/how I direct my energy.

I want to emphasize that I really have no guile in me. And folks who know me and work with me know that which is why if I DO have an issue with something they pay attention..because I am generally a very calm, cool and collected person, but have been described as a 'firecracker' in a positive sense.

One suggestion is that if you know your friend is going through a hard time or has been going through a hard time, you can never go wrong with words of comfort and cheer. Tell or remind your friend of the positive qualities that drew the two of you together in the first place.

Something that has always helped me when I feel helpless is to put my faith in God because the reality is that there are just going to be times in life when we feel helpless in certain situations. Helpless to change our circumstances, helpless to do anything about them, but I believe that we can trust in the power of God to help do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

Yes, what you are describing doesn't sound like a normal friendship...if you can somehow even out the highs and lows it might be more bearable...the pushing away part could be some form of denial (just a thought).

Anyways, I don't know if this helps at all, but I sure hope you don't feel pressured to come up with any hard and fast decisions...true friends are generally patient and allow you room to do what you need to do that is best for your own self care...take care of yourself-that's highly important.

Dee74

Welcome bumblebee

D

Dee74

Internet etiquette is pretty much the same as normal conversation. Noone owns a thread, sure, but I think it's simple good manners to keep in mind the person who started the discussion, and the problem they came to us with.

I just want to reiterate for those who don't know - if there's a problem in a thread feel free to contact me or one of the other mods, or report a post (hit the little red and white triangle on the offending post).

We simply can't be everywhere at once, and we rely on you guys to let us know of problems - if you let us know of things, we can get on it

Dee
Moderator
SR

teatreeoil007

I doubt you are being a nuisance nor interfering! You come across here like a caring person. That's great. We all need caring people in our lives whether we admit it or not.

Just thought of something else that might add insight....

It's true that some people want to and need to be alone at times. Some people more than others. I am one of those and it's partly an inherited trait.

And so, sometimes people can send out signals that they don't need friends and those signals can be interpreted in different ways...

It could be that your friend doesn't want to be left alone by you, but it's possible that your friend is alright being alone. In a way, that's good because they bring things to the friendship instead of just taking things from it. Does that make sense?

I'll see if I can explain: Some people are happy/content with their self and don't necessarily require others to be happy...

I don't know if I'm describing it very well. But, I hope this helps.

Bumblebee90

Teatreeoil, you have no idea how much your post helped me. I really appreciate it tremendously! Sometimes it just really helps to have people who are outside of the situation and can give insight.

I know what you mean about people needing time alone. I'm like that, for sure. I have always been a bit more introverted and, despite the fact that I love people, I generally keep my friendships pretty relaxed...I'm more than happy to have a good chat with someone one day and then not talk to them for a few weeks or even months!

But, even though he's also pretty introverted, I'm positively sure that this friend isn't just enjoying space. He seems to really deal with some attachment issues, denial, and a horrifically low self-esteem. He is a fantastic person with a lot of tremendously good qualities...but it's like he spends so much time trying to hide his mistakes that he completely misses out on being appreciated for all the positives. It's hard for me to know when I should just leave him alone, and when I should push him out of his comfort zone (which is easy to do considering his comfort zone is extremely small!).

I pray tons about this and I am right there with you believing that God is the one who can deal with the things we can't But I certainly appreciate all the feedback I can get! Thanks so much for the time you've given writing to me.

Firesong

Thank you for your post, Bumblebee90. You sound a lot like I feel.
Hopefully some people will post here giving us both some helpful insight!

I know that sometimes when I pull away from friends, deep down inside I wish at least one of them would come in after me or at least try. It's like I get burned out by all the stress and other crap so I retreat from that but wouldn't reject a friend who would reach out in peace and kindness. So when I'm praying for my friend, and sometimes I feel led to get in touch, I will be the one to call or text. After all if he really wants to go incommunicado he can turn his phone off! But 9 times out of 10 he returns my call or text. I don't do this every day, or even every other day. But I believe it never hurts to reach out to someone in peace and kindess and say hey I'm here, how's it going?

teatreeoil007

Glad that was helpful!

I've had friends and have friends who are much like you describe here. The bit about covering mistakes is a hard to deal with at times but it DOES explain much of the various behaviors and some of the waffling that goes on. Or you know, sometimes they are just unsure...which makes them come across as wishy-washy.

I am neither an introvert or an extrovert...somewhere in between. Happy/content with my own company, but I'm not socially awkward and can be quite outgoing when I feel prompted or it's appropriate. I can even be a bit of a ham at times and don't generally have issues with performance anxiety.

But, so MUCH of what people do in life is a 'dance' in a quest for healthy self esteem. I've rarely struggled with poor self esteem, which is nerve wracking to some, but admirable to others. I've had co-workers just be down right hostile to me. It doesn't feel good, that's for sure. I've people compete with me for no apparent reason...over silly things...sometimes I just scratch my head. When there is someone I really care about that I know is struggling I just try to let them know somehow that I am there and give them positive affirmations if possible. Try to keep it positive.

It is challenging to approach someone and try to open up an honest discussion about what is really going on. There may be a lot of things that are somehow getting in the way for various reasons. Or maybe it's just too 'touchy' of a subject.

You come across as a caring and considerate person and your friend is fortunate to have you for a friend.

Anyways, I'm glad that was helpful and thanks for your positive response!

(smile)

teatreeoil007

Firesong: You come across as a very caring person and I think I read you wrong and I'm sorry for that. My very big BAD.

Perhaps most of what was coming from me is frustration when there is not time/opportunity/CLARITY for how and what to do...especially with touchy issues. It IS hard to know what to do/what to say/how to open up. For myself, I've needed to learn to exercise impulse control and just try to keep things POSITIVE, as a person can only take so much negative before they say, "I'm done." I would hate to push a person that far, especially someone I care about. So, my ongoing challenge is to keep things positive even in the face of adversity.

Keeping things positive even in the face of adversity was a goal that I set for myself in early 2014. It's fairly easy to be positive when things are going your way. Much more challenging to be positive when there is adversity; whatever form adversity happens to be taking on at the time. *sigh*

Stilling learning...still working on that goal...

(smile)

Bumblebee90

Amen, Firesong! I am exactly the same way...I've had some difficult times in my past when I would pull away from people. It never hurt me to have someone try to get in touch with me; instead, what hurt was when no one acted like they even cared. I can even remember something kind someone wrote on my facebook page when I made a post about being down...we aren't close, but that one comment just made a good impact on me that has lasted over the years. Thanks so much for pointing this out to me!

I'm also huge on praying before I talk to people...because I know that God understands the whole situation when I can only see things from one clouded point of view. God is definitely the one who has given me my inspiration when things are rough and I feel like giving up!