Heroinegirl's Feedback

[heroinegirl]

:tounge-in

For the purposes of anonimity, I would prefer my identity to be Heroine Girl.
The spelling is deliberate and seeing I am amoungst friends you can call me HG.

For five years since I was 19 , I was challenged with the rollercaster ride that is maintaining a full fledged heroin habit. I have been clean for two years now , and the challenges still remain. Not as in - I wish to relapse -as in just daily life. Understanding what is right for you. Knowing and not doing what you now know is wrong. Being brave - yet asking for help. Smiling. Crying. Letting go and holding on. Accepting & Rejecting.

Just when you think you have made a right custard of your life, please know in your heart and soul - that you are not alone
I have just started my treatment for Hep C as well as got a great job in marketing. Sometimes , I feel like a circus performer, trying to keep all the balls up in the air and smile whilst doing it. It's ok to take a break though.
All that matters is that you take one day at a time and just deal with that.

I didn't go to NA and I didn't go to rehab. I used methodone , after a few attempts and then did reduction. I met my BF on the internet and confessed my " dirty secret" and less than three months later - I found myself in bed with the chills, a hotwater bottle and an intense dislike for men !
But we did it. It took three weeks and a lot of courage and planning.

Sometimes I have this planet of regret on my shoulders , I wish I was healthy like other mid twenty girls, I wish I did not have scars on the inside of my arms, I wish I did not know what sleeping on the streets felt like. But would I trade this knowledge for the feeling I get when I know what I can survive.
When I know the exact strength of my spirit ? When I can appreciate the simple things. My skin clearing up, being alive, not having AIDS, being able to love and live. Just being here with you.

Just knowing I survived and I can tell my story.

If you want a friend to listen or want to ask me any questions, please feel free to do so on this message post. I guarentee I am one of the most positive young girls out there - and I will do my best to offer support.

Thanks for listening
HG

[KelKel]

Hi HG...
Welcome aboard and glad you found SR.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
looking forward to having you here.
There are alot of wonderful folks around as you will soon find out.
My name is Kel and I am a gutter drunk who is grateful to be sober another day.

[heroinegirl]

*high five sister*

Thanks for the warm welcome. This is a great message board and I am so happy to be here !

Good luck ( not that you need it - you are on Fire girlfriend)

SweetDreamz
*sprinklez you with snuggly stuff*

[Chy]

Welcome HG!
I'm glad you made it back from the abyss to share your ESH!

[Shakur T.]

Peace HG,
Welcome to SR. Your post moved my spirit (I cry alot these days). Even though I live in an inner city in the US and you live in Austraila, we have addiction and now recovery in common. I am feeling you and I love your attitude of survival. Methadone did not work for me (you can read my story somewhere around here, too) but NA did. Doesn't matter what road we took to get here, we're all in the same boat now!!
I look forward to getting to know you and reading future posts...
Peace, one of your new friends, Shakur

[dotcom]

hi hg!

im longboarder. boy do i know what you mean about trying to keep all the balls in the air. my doc is meth, and i almost have 2 yrs clean. ive also got some of those unsightly scars, and also found i was hiv neg. you sound very positive! i hope some of it rubs off on me! dont give up and neither will i!

hugs,

longboarder

[MootPoint]

Welcome HG! Glad you're here to share and congrats on the 2 yrs!

[wishIsedNO]

Hey...Im like in the same spot as you....Im clean for 2 yrs from heroin...And its been a rough road...I never realized how much i messed up in 6 yrs...Everywhere i turn there seems to be more work to be done..I use to think if i just finally find a way to stop using everything will be ok...Yea rite..Its worse....Since i been clean..I been staying at my moms house...Im 23...But its still hard..Especially when im use to doing whatever i feel like it...But now im back home there curfews...and people i have to answer too...But i dont complain because i know i put my mom through hell when i used...But now its an added problem because my father is a drunk....And a real mean one too...Rite now my mom is yelling at him..Because he doesnt wanna move out...Hes defense is he dont remember anything..Its sad...But its too much stress for myself...I thought it was gonna be so much different..i thought when i was clean my mom and dad would be there for me..But now instead of there being there for me...my father is wrecking everything...I feel like im his mother...Instead of him being my dad...
Well sorry for writing alot...I just wanna tell you how i hope you do better..And i understand exactly what you go through...Jackie

[heroinegirl]

Thank you Thank you

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME !!

What a great cheersquad we have here - whoot!

I am actually writing my memoirs and I'm hoping to get some feedback and stuff. I tell you - rewriting the stuff has unearthed all kinds of issues and heebie jeebies in itself. So it's really nice to have some place to come and get some motivation. Two years seems so long ( I did slip off the wagon though about five times , so I should be saying 6 months clean)
But considering my habit was very high ( 3 times a day )
It was "recreation" Goodness glad I'm over that "casual abuse of my body and trust in relationships phase of rationlisation.

I so agree with the early post about whatever works. Addiction is such a personal thing and it only needs to work once , so you need to find what is right for you.

Goodness just got a sour email !

Must go and correct someone - by the way I am in no way posting under a false ID - I actually don't spend all my days on forums creating hoopla!
(Not that there is anything wrong with that , lol)

Blessed be X
HeroineGirl / HG

[Stephanie]

Hi Heroinegirl,

We're glad you're here to share your ESH with us. My DOC was meth and it brought me down a pretty dark road. In fact I don't like to think about it let alone write about it everyday. Perhaps it would help to re-hash some things in writing. Writing is always good therapy.

You do have a great attitude about recovery. I also relapsed a few times and it has become a big part of my story and what has kept me clean for so long. We all have to go through our own process and it definitely is a process.

[heroinegirl]

some of my writing that I would like to share

When I think back to the time I had wasted being high, I often think - what is waste? A waste of time ?
It felt too good to share a shot together and curl up in front of the video. A warmth you’ve never felt, a comfort you have never reached. At what cost ? Had we let some all encompassing menace into our home. Heroin has become the third person in our relationship. It was a presence to be reckoned with.

The minute I opened my eyes. You automatically check how stoned you are or later, how sick you are. First thought for five years. Then, reality seeps in. Dont answer the phone. it’s the landlord...pull the curtains. it’s your straight friends. they dont "get" you anymore. Roll over. How am I going to afford a hit today. You just do. You just will. Roll back again. You’re awake now. you’re not going to sleep easy for a long time.

V think everyone has the fallen love hero and for me , he was a beautifully tragedy that burst into my life in a explosion of drama and energy and burnt out, just as hard.
I call him the Ex for the purposes of this blog.

The Ex was highly instrumental in the experimentation of heroin. Not that I have ever resisted encouragement. Still, I was niave. It pains me to admit that.
The Ex was eight years older than me and had burdens of his own. Black sheep meets Black Sheep. A union of dysfunctional proportions.
But the bond we had was the most intense cord that bound us, sometimes in moments of unparalelled bliss or alternating with moments of the deepest despair.

It was heroin that leaded me into the industry.
The fact that I liked the opiate rush, did not mean that I had a personality and integrity transplant, like so many people ( drug addicts mainly) depict in movies and the like.
To me, I was not going to beg, steal or borrow. The amounts needed to sustain the both of us was in excess of a thousand dollars a day.
I did what I had to do.

Sometimes The Ex would be smashed , the combination of a whole cask of wine. I remember anticipating the shot and seeing Justin swaying at my arm , poking at the outer flesh. Hurting. I would pummel his head. "Wake up - I’m sick ! " I would plead. He would rub his face and attempt to straighten up. Then fall asleep again. I would then grab the fit (needle) to save 200$ worth going into the carpet. I would try to do it myself and I would be so scared. not of the needle. just I would put it into the wrong vein and mess up my shot for the day. Your hand and arm also swells up like a football and your fingers look like sausages. Not that that’s important.
I knew it was all going massively wrong. I couldve stopped it then maybe.
If I knew what lay ahead. Days edged out into months which seeped into years.

Before long it had been two years "waiting and seeing since" we had sex and became intimate. Heroin slept between us in the bed. This no longer worried me. We clung to each other all through the night. In three years we spent not one night apart. But we always woke to the nightmare.

Like most couples we had little soothing rituals to help us sleep. The Ex would stroke my hair until I would finally fall asleep, sore and emotional. In this, I knew I was loved. In this, I knew I wasn’t alone. I would rub his back gently, and tell him how lucky we where to have each other. We knew each other implicitly. The only time a junkie feels normal is when he or she is sleeping, the rest of the time they are doing something towards getting high. Every breathing moment was seemingly affected. Except those moments. Those ones before you drift off to slumber land. When you hear the soft, dreamy voice of your loved one. Dreaming out aloud, of a time where needles wouldn’t play a part, when couples can be normal couples again and dreams of university, family and friends.

Laying down on top of him , we would stare at the glow star speckled ceiling.
I could feel tears slide down my cheek, and felt the spreading patches of wet on The Ex's shirt and all I could make out was deep muted reassurances for us, my head resting upon his beating, determined heart, as mine broke to a thousand pieces.

Only one of us made it through, and now you know who.

Never give up and never lose sight of your dreams.
Not only do they light the way , they make the dark not so dark.

Heroine Girl

[sunrise34]

HG,

Thanks for sharing your story. My boyfriend used heroin and now he is in a methadone clinic, but they are detoxing him b/c he failed to keep up with his payments. I have never used and don't understand any of it. Sometimes I think if I read the posts by others who have experienced or are experiencing what he is going through I would understand him better. Don't get me wrong that is not why I am here at SR. I am here for my own recovery. Which I feel like I have fallen from. So, now I'm trying to muster up some strength and start at step one all over again.

Drugs scare me. I get so caught up in the emotional turmoil, the drama which is all HIS that I have lost who I am.

I wish so badly he would get into a program. But, I can't keep hanging onto hope b/c I can't wait for him to get better so I can be happy.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

[skippy69]

What a true statement, "the only time a junkie feels normal is when they are asleep" Im so sorry for your loss. I wasnt on heroin, but probably just as bad, Oxycontin. Thanks for sharing that, I know it must have been hard, I cried thru most of it. Thankfully by Gods grace my wife never used, and has been so supportive of me. I will not go back to the prisoner I used to be, the chains of addiction will not wrap themselves around me, and I will help whomever I can, and not doubt you are doing the same.
Scotty. Id be glad to share my story sometime, its not youre ordinary story.

[skippy69]

SUNRISE34-----Sunrise, I know I dont know your whole situation, and I know its seems helpless. But please dont give up on him. My family, wife, friends, could have done the same. They to this day probably really dont understand addiction. It is a prison to the junkie. Believe me they want to be free, they are afraid, feel helpless,hopeless, and every other emotion. They may not show it to you, but he feels it. I know that he has to want help, but dont give up now on him. Ya know I heard someone say "We are flowers quickly fading, here today gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind, but God hears us when we call, and He catches us when we are falling." I dont know your faith and what you believe, but I do know prayer works, and believing that He can create a miracle makes things unthinkable happen. Write me back if you want to talk more, or if you dont I will pray for you.

Scotty

[wishIsedNO]

Thats good writing HG..Im planning to put together a book of all my journal entries..I have journals all the way back till i was 14..So it totally shows all my changes from being an innocent teen..Fresh and welcoming to anything new and exciting..then through the years of my drinking and pot smoking...To my first time i tried coke...Then the fateful july 4th i thought a guy i first met who was 7 yrs older...i was 16...he liked young girls...But to get young girls to like and worship him he would get them hooked on dope...But with me i was different..He got me hooked..But never got down my pants...I fell for heroin not him,...His mistake was taking me to his spot 3 weeks after we met..Once i knew where to get it i didnt need him...Only when i was short on money..I would make him think he was gonna get lucky...But by the time we were high neither one of us thought of sex..Just that wonderful nod..For me my ex didnt get me high i got him high..Although i never forced him to use...He became intrigued by it..Because for a year and half he tried to get me to stop and i wouldnt..So i guess he wanted to either know what was so great about it or he wanted to feel closer to me..Because it got to the point i would hang with him..and then once the sun went down i would run to the train..to cop my dope..At that time the guys i knew only came out at nite...But soon after he started using we went fast to the bottom...and quickly his parents found out and because they were white and more stable then my parents he was whisked away to a nice rehab in florida..I was wisked away to a 7 day detox in a city hospital...Everyone knows 7 days may take away the sickness but it dont take away the want to use..so i went straight back to using and he got the help he needed..Maybe because he wasnt using as long as i..Maybe because he was obsessed with me and not the drug...Thats why he stopped so easily...Who knows...But my hell wasnt nearly as over...I would go to 5 rehabs..many detoxs..A stay in florida myself...And a stay in jersey..In the end im 23 with many demons in my closet..I have scars on my right arm...but those scars arent as deep as the ones in my heart..As much as i hate what heroin put me through my disease keeps me still wanting to go back for more..Ive been on methadone since i was 21...I have now technically 9 months clean...Before my last relapse i had 11 months...But to me the relapse dont count because i didnt feel it...and i didnt go on an all out binge it was 1 nite...One nite that i just wanted to escape...But felt more pissed in the end because i didnt feel anything after i went through all that trouble and was set back with a relapse...
In the end i have to realize i have a disease..A disease that will forever be a step behind me waiting for a moment of weakness..But for now im clean...Im living life free of that fear of not being able to get straight..Having to be sick...But in the end i think would being sick be so horrible...At least i still got my legs and arms..I still got my health..All the times ive shared thank god i dont have anything...
The one thing i wish is that you didnt live so freakin far away..In ,my last post i wrote how its sooo hard for me to find people my age who are clean...And in clean i mean nothing..No pot and no beer or alcohol..With the same likes as me...For me the search have come up with nothing...And i spend most my saturdays alone watching Law&Order..But i should be beating on my BF,...for that one..Well hope you keep on doing what your doing your too good to be lost to a life filled with misery like the life of a junkie..Jackie

[AddictionAddict]

Just so you know, I have two friends who both went through the new treatments for hep-c and it worked excellent for both. They are both testing as being in complete remission, I guess that means, you obviously still have it, but it is inactive?? Anwyays, they both speak highly of the treatments. They do however tell me that the side effects can be pretty harsh, so stick with it, and all the best!

Mark

and feel free to e-mail me anytime as well for whatever support, advice, suggestions, etc.

[anicardi]

I am a recovering heroin addict as well. I am having trouble fighting off these cravings. Is there anything I should do? I mean like right now because I just got in my car and was going to go to my dealer and I had to like force myself not to turn that key. Please help me.

[Gooch]

You just did one of the things.. You shared your struggle with us. You also shared how you overcame the desire to turn the key.

When I first got clean, there was one place I used to go all the time to score and even when I had a legitimate errand in that neighborhood, it felt like my car pulled to the left when I went past the place.


Just for right now we can do what may seem impossible when we start to worry about having to do it for a longer period.

I'm glad you didn't turn the key and are here posting.

[wishIsedNO]

ANICARDI- Right now im sure it seems like your never gonna change...That those feelings are never gonna stop...But im telling you the more you recover and start to make new friends and find other things to past your time..The feeling like you gotta go cop will go...I was talking im my group today and i was saying how..when i first got to my program I couldnt even stop to think should i go get high It was an automatic thing why stop and ask myself if i should go buy when at that time it was an automatic..Hell yea..But as time went by...And my methadone blocked me from feeling the dope anyway...My mind started to open up...I started to see theres way more out there then friggin heroin...My god my eyes were closed for 6 yrs..All i thought i could do was get high..Probably because i started at a young age and never gave myself the chance to learn who i was..But since i been in recovery now...I got to the point that when i get cravings i do something that i have since learned to enjoy..Like now i been working out..Because if you know about methadone..It puts weight on...Especially to us women..And i never been a heavy person..So this extra weight is driving me crazy..Exercise helps alot..also to get out frustration and anger...I also just learned how to knit...So that helps sometimes...And if i dont do them things i write or i take a walk...Now for me i have different strengths of cravings...Theres the passing one where i smile in my head and think damn i remember how when the weather starts to turn cold...How a bag seemed the perfect answer....But i easily put into mind how yea the bag was nice for about 4 hours..Then you would start to want another..and if you couldnt get another your body started getting sick...I would think on the degrading crap i done..and all them consequential thinking that works perfect on the passing craving...Then theres the lingering craving..The one that starts out as a passing one..And you use that consequential thinking and it works..And you go to bed you wake up the next morning..And damn that craving wakes up with you...and you like well now what do i do...Now if you dont got a good system..and you new to recovery..them lingering cravings will get you at that next morning..But if you alittle dead on about not using...You try and put it out your mind you try acoupla things..and most the time you have to either take a hostage if you got one...And hang on to that (clean) person...till that craving finally lets go...Or you hang out at meetings...go to like 5 a day or more if you can...And talk till you cant anymore..
Then theres the BIG one...the one that gives you whip lash...Now ive had 2 of them since i been clean and each time i havent been able to fight it off..Or more like i didnt try harder to fight it off..Now this one..is the one that actually makes you feel dope sick even when you havent done nothing in months..This is the one that you are totally blindsighted and cant even think on your tools to use so you wont use...But theres is help to everyone one of these cravings or urges..If you truely wanna stay clean...All you gotta do is talk about it...Like you've done...and make sure you got people around you..Positive ones...And as you and I know this disease plays ugly tricks on us..It can make us believe the skys red if it wanted too...And i also fell into the hole of thinking some of my past using friends can turn into my new sober buddies..Now nothings written in stone and im sure there has been people who have grown with people and have been able to turn into great sober friends after you use to use with them...But its a difficult journey..and most people dont cut it...And its too much risk to throw out there...Now while you going through your recovery you gonna do alotta trial and error....You just gotta always keep hope and keep a hold on the fact you aint gonna stop on yourself...You gonna keep trying...and you be alright...
It shows alot that you written on here before you actually went and copped...Change got stages....and you about on the secound stage...Where you are becoming aware of your actions...And soon you will make the flying leap to total change...And i wish you the best and my prays are with you..and everyone else suffering from this disease..Jackie

[heroinegirl]

wonderful support

Peace to all and you can email me if you are interested in my website where I document my recovery and treatment (PM's fine as well)

Peace X

[heroinegirl]

Whoops I forgot to show you my email

heroinegirl@hushmail.com

I have web journal that documents my recovery, but also is in the process of a memoir of what happened when I was in the throes of opiate addiction.
It is hopefully, going to be picked up to be published and I would love you to come along and give me a critique and maybe we can ecourage each other.
Due to content being of an explicit nature ( I was an escort to support my habit, something I am not proud of , but it happened and we move forward) I cannot publish the link here, and that is fine but if you really would like a look please do not hesitate to email me and I will point you in the right direction. Already it is helping people

My earlier posts were actually taken striaght from there, so as much as I love to post here , I can't actually post the same content on a unprotected source.
But it has been fun and if you want to continue reading,

Drop me a line

Fondly
Heroinegirl
XXXXXX

[w/o parallel]

Where again are you sharing about your recovery? What method detoxing? Rehab? Treatment center? Support Group? I went to the site listed on your profile and it reads like a trashy romance novel. Albeit semi interesting reading if your into that sort of tripe..... just seems more fantasized fiction than documentation.

[heroinegirl]

I suggest that you read a little more between the lines.
It is a journal and a memoir of time when I was a heroin addict.
I was nineteen at the time and finished when I was 25. I have been properly clean for one year. As in nothing at all in my system. I feel great, thanks
It is all, sadly true, what I write about and I don't pull no punches I also wrote an entry on my father's alcholism, divorce, sex ( yes addicts do have sex on drugs - then I write about the exploitation of my body to do what I had to do) I also cover the positivity...ok why don't i share a bit now....

Today was a wonderful day. Unexpectedly delightful. The Best Kind.

It started with a wonderful train journey, I believe I was listening to "She W