how has substance abuse changed your life?

[dotcom]

dumb question huh? for me, i lost my identity and replaced it with my DOC. along with my identity, i decided that all the good times i had had in the past as an innocent kid could never happen again. that i was somehow stained and disfigured. i suppose i felt that im not worth having that good of a time!

by using drugs, my perceptions and realities changed. the street life warped my thinking and i decided that i could settle for the minimum as long as i could just get clean. well, now the minimum is not enough. substance abuse has changed my life, but being clean and realizing that all i had in the past can be at my fingertips hopefully will change my life 10 times more than some dope.

had i not got clean, i wouldnt have come to realize how much i love my family. i am not perfect though, and i am mean and disrespecting to them still. but, there is a very soft and emotional spot in my heart for all of them and i hurt when i think of anything bad happening to them. the substance abuse allowed me to not feel those vulnerable feelings. and i really came to hate and despise them and it was okay because i had my DOC to make me happy. i didnt need a family to fill any holes in my heart.

due to substance abuse and my own bad decisions i have a criminal record. and even though ive been clean i got myself into trouble again. i never really felt my feelings of anger until i began using in think. then they unleashed themselves. even now i still struggle with them, and that is what led to my last police contact. those were BAD decisions that i did not have to make. i have learned a lot from them, and mostly what ive learned is to empathize with my family and what they are going through. i cannot just appear in their lives and say im sorry and just expect things to go my way. what i did was wrong, and it has had many reprocutions. they remind me constantly, and they have every right to. with their reminders, i learn empathy and how to admit that just because im doing good does NOT write off my past bad behaviors.

thats all for now, more later!

[junem]

Sounds like you take responsability for your actions today and therefore in time your family hopefully will come around.. In the meantime we who have been there are very proud of what you have done and encourage you to be good to yourself, patient and keep on doing the great job you are doing. The road is not alwys easy but at least we are alive and aware enough to travel it today!!!

[dragonlady]

I don't know that its changed my life-its been my life. I don't remember much of my childhood but what I do remember wasn't happy.

[dotcom]

thank you for the encouragement junem! its much appreciated! you're right, the road is not always easy. but like you said, im becoming more aware of whats going on around me and that is a good thing. thanks again!

dragonlady, im sorry your childhood memories are not happy. i will keep you in my prayers. do you remember anything in the past prior to using that is something you miss? even small stuff?

[dragonlady]

I do miss camping with my family. I'm sorry, I'm just having a bad time right now. Good luck! I wish you the best.

[Gooch]

Great share lb! You are setting an inspirational example.

Thanks for your ES & H!

[dotcom]

dragonlady,

camping is a lot of fun! i remember back on trips with my family to the mountains when i was young. i do miss those times and know i cannot duplicate them, but i look back on them fondly. no need to apologize for having a bad day! i hope things begin looking up for you!

hugs,

longboarder

gooch,

thank you! i know that sub abuse has changed my life more than what i posted, but thats all i could write off the top of my head. its good to get my life back!!!

hugs,

longboarder

[Gooch]

It's amazing the progress and self identification you've made in 2 years. The accountability you hold for for your past and responsibility you take for your part in things is awesome. Takes some of us years to get a grip on that and then we forget where the handle is.

I wished I had that short cut to the insight you've found on some of this stuff.


Maybe the thing with NA is that it repeats the lessons indefinatley for us real slow learners?

[dotcom]

gooch,

you would think i would have made more progress considering i did get arrested again. even though it wasnt related to drugs, it just proves i still have a load of work to do to make sure i continue to stay on a right path. i do try to hold myself as responsible as possible because i have a tendency to blame. and when i blame an inanimate object like a sack nothing gets solved, lol. once i started being a hardass on myself i noticed i changed more. now my family says sometimes that i do enough reminding myself of bad patterns than is necessary, and they show compassion. well, of course they remind me of the past, but they show me compassion. im not sure, but i think they see i am trying to accept responsiblity? i dont know, but i just want to keep doing well and stay out of trouble.

if NA works for you, thats great! no offense, but i am trying not to care what works for "you" and focus on what works for "me". seeing as im not you and all, LOL.

:band

longboarder

[jinx230]

A lot of good stuff there longboarder. i was a pothead using on/off for 2.5 years, so its easy for me to remember what life was like before. I'm definitely starting to get back to where I was. It's just so nice not obsesssing about the drug. I had no idea that life could return to the "way it was", but its funny what happens when you just stop obsessing about something 24/7 and think about other things. The good thing is I am finally facing reality - even all the things I never really faced when I was sober. Seeing everything for the way things really are and how good they can be if I try. Only thing that sucks is I'm only 5 weeks clean, and my body is still sorta recovering from not using. It's difficult not feeling great when I know I can, but at least I know in time that will come.

[splendra]

All I have are the memories of how I changed when I stopped using. Every member of my imedate family is strung out on something with the exception of me and my son. I am thankful that we are clean and our life is good....My family went camping and traveled but the booze and the pills were always there when I was young. I remember it fights and the attitudes and the pure cr@p.....of my youth and how I started using dope at 11 years old and drinking by 16 glad I am not there now.

[wishIsedNO]

well substance abuse has completely changed my life..Of course..But not all of it was bad..Some of it im glad happened...I feel things all happen for a reason...Before i started using i was close minded..Really..well not closed minded in the way you might think...I knew alot about people and stuff about street life..But i didnt stop and think...or take the time to understand why people are the way they were...I looked down at addicts..Thought they deserved what they got because they chose to use...But once i became addicted to dope...I quickly saw that it isnt an addicts fault..That when i first used i didnt say oh i wanna become the biggest addict..I wanna degrade myself for this drug..i wanna sleep on the subway..i want people to look at me with disgust the way i would of before i was the way i was..I never wanted or asked for...the way i treated my family...the way i stole from them and broke there hearts..and lost there trust..I didnt want any of that..I like many others thought when i first used.."hey that was a good feeling maybe ill try it again...But if it gets too much im gonna quit"..Well when it became too much i didnt think of getting myself to stop..and if i did i know i wouldnt be able too..
I agree with what you sed about your family...My love for my mom is soo much...And its a big part of why im clean now...Because i dont ever want to see pain in my moms eyes because of me..But i aint the perfect daughter either..I too can be disrespectful..and i too act spoiled still..Because even though i aint using i still have wants...and sometimes them wants become so much almost the same feeling as the want for heroin..Like with clothes and such...and ill act almost like my mom has too get me stuff like she owes it to me...When i know she dont and if anyone owes anyone i do...I didnt have a perfect childhood..But it aint something i would say was nitemarish...Parents are human...And now that im 23 im realizing that..And they dont get instructions when they take us home from the hospital..But like you i feel a pang everytime i think of something happening to my mom..or sister..Even my dad...I dont know what i do..And sometimes i act alittle too overprotective..Because i know or afraid when my mom goes i wont be able to stop myself from using..My mom has stuck by me through everything...Shes loved me like no one has...and i get sooo pissed at myself that when i was active i treated her like a piece of trash..And now im clean i know i will never ever treat my mom wrong again...
Basically drug addiction has taught me to have heart...To not judge a book by its cover..And THINK before you act...JAckie

[Stargirl]

Substance abuse changed my life dramatically. If I would have never gotten into the stuff I did, I believe I would be a totally different person and in a totally different stage of life. Like most i'm sure, it set me back a few years. Instead of after graduating high school and moving on to college and being done with that and having a career, I'm stuck in a hole so deep I still have yet to see the light from above. Substance abuse proved to me that I'm not as strong as a person as I thought I was. I mean yeah I've been sober for a while and I'm proud but the way I see it, I wasnt strong enough in the first place to say no. I would have never been involved with the men that I have and would not have a horrible track record with them like I do now. I probably would have never had the experiences I've had under my belt. In a way I see that as a good thing too though. I know what to watch out for and will never let it happen to myself ever again. But I also tell myself it should have never happened in the first place. Substance abuse made me see a whole different side of myself that I use to tell myself everyday why I will not ever again go back to her. I've accomplished more in my life in 6 months being sober than I ever did in 3 years of being an addict. Scary. So I continue my mission to stay clean and keep making progress in my life versus setting myself back day by day worrying about getting my fix instead of living my life. -star-

[servicejunkie]

My disease is what makes me who I am today. I'm grateful I experienced so many years of being enslaved by the drugs, and I treasure all the lessons I have learned from my pain and suffering. My past has given me purpose and meaning today, and it is just that...the past. I'm grateful I'm an addict. Mike

[Rella927]

((((HUGS TO ALL OF YOU))))) For sharing here......Service Junkie well said!

[AddictionAddict]

I alienated my good friends by confessing my problem(s). I spent too much money on drugs and am now three months behind on my mortgage. I have spent not nearly enough time with my children who I sometimes feel are growing up without me because I hide in my room I built in the cellar. Constant withdrawal has nearly cost me my job, and I have gone from the favorite employee to one of the least favorite. Basically, drugs have just about ruined me, and I am still not clean. I just keep lying to myself and my wife.

Mark

[dotcom]

^mark, i can relate about wds almost ruining my job. there was a time when id be coming off meth during the work day because when i shot id become sort of really worthless. i wouldnt get spun, i think my endorphines are shot or something. but, i reached a point where id literally just stare and i could not speak properly or communicate myself.

so, id sleep at my desk trying so hard to stay awake. then id drink a lot of coffee and eat candy only to have my blood sugar screw up which would make me even MORE sick. at the time i was not aware how sick i could have become because of the wds and the accompanying low blood sugar issues. when i left that job, i was mentally shot out. i was surprised i did not get fired. the reason i quit was because i was so darn close to being found out that i had to exit gracefully.

i spent every penny i could get my hands on on my doc. then i would pawn my things then my parents things. then i would steal from my connects garage, then use the cash to buy more. eventually i sold myself. soon i was just like the people around me. i would hustle, lie, steal, and hurt for what i wanted. i racked up debt with my bank because i did a few complicated scams with my atm card. then id bounce checks and id have overdraft fees racking up and id be sh** out of luck.

what i value most about being clean now, is that i am taking back what i lost from using. granted i still get in trouble and im still a general f*** up, but you know, the tiniest bit of progress is what matters!

hang in there mark,

dot