FenwayFaithful

47 days clean as I am not counting the days I was on subs

Overdosed on H on the 7th of June went to detox for 6 days and IP down in FLA for IP. God was on my side that night and I am grateful for another chance

I still have some reservations and like to say I wasn't that bad, still coming to terms with the concept of powerlessness but what I do know is I am so tired or fighting I don't HAVE to fight anymore if I choose not to--fight with life I mean, always looking for ways to get and use more that isn't how I want to live anymore but it would be silly not to pursue recovery with the sake energy I pursued addictin

On the suggestion of my IP therapist I moved from Boston and am staying at a halfway I am scared and homesick and grieving the lost of drugs and alcohol but I have something so much better--something I have not has in years-- HOPE . Hope that things will get easier, that they will be infinitely superior to where I would end up if I kept using and faith the God has a plan for me

BrandonC

Absolutely you are dead on, being so sick and tired of the daily struggle is absolutely a good thing. Use that in your recovery to keep taking each step, honestly that was the biggest difference for me the last time I got clean and stayed clean (working on 5years). I wasn't getting clean bc I was told to or bc I ran out of money I was doing it because I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired (rock bottom). Knowing that I never want to live that way again or be the person I was is what gives me such strength in my sobriety, so seriously use that to your advantage.
I'm so glad to see your seeking guidance in your journey here. 👍

Dee74

I'm glad you're ok FF.
Don't listen to that voice - ODing on H really is 'that bad', y'know?

It's great you've found some hope - do whatever you have to do to keep yourself in recovery

D

DoubleBarrel

I am really glad to see you back. You are alive! I call that an opportunity.

SoberSloanAgain

It's one hour at a time.... at least that is what I am telling myself. I've got 8 days and man this harder than getting off booze!

Familyhelper151

I wish you the best out of rehab friend. Please keep us updated!!

gnarlyboots

Early days my friend, that addict voice will be loud for a while yet - keep yourself safe (healthy people and places!), don't make any big decisions and speak on how you're feeling. All the best for your recovery!

Mountainmanbob

If we don't drink or use today -- we have much hope.
Some have not, let's be grateful.

MM

FenwayFaithful

I was feeling treacly good and now I feel just as bad as I did before I went in, maybe even worse since I don't have drugs or alcohol. I got in deep **** with my halfway for hanging out with people from treatment, was told by my roommate it was okay but have been banned from contacting them including a girl I have become very close to. It sucks becsuse now I just feel so alone and helpless and stuck in my pain and shame and I just can't stand it. I am already on the **** list and I feel like such a failure even tho I'm not using I'm still ******* **** up. I keep thinking that being homeless would be better than being as miserable and helpless as I feel right now. I am thousands of miles from home I don't know anyone or anything and every time I talk to my family they just remind me how much I've hurt them. I'm a self centered ****** up self pitying failure and I don't know what to do. I know this will pass I know God has His reasons for this but it's so ******* hard. Honestly the way I feel right now I'd rather be dead, I hate who I am. But I've been given this chance and I have people who love me and I'm not selfish enough to do that but I don't know how much longer I can do this, I feel like everyone is against me and no one is on my side, I can't help how I feel even if it's ridiculous and childish and the director of my halfway keeps telling me, he needs to get the **** off his high horse and remember how hard early recovery is.

Dee74

I'm sorry today's a bad day FF.

For what it's worth I think you're in what sounds like a great and safe environment & I really hope you stay there - try to think of things not as punishments but directives for your own good?

Our inner addict is good at ramping up the indignation, fear, fear shame and panic but sleep on it, give it a few days and I'm sure things will look better

I think any place that risks pissing you off to take care of you is a place worth keeping.

I think you have a lot more people on your side than you think, not only in the halfway house, or your family, but here too

D

DoubleBarrel

I was really low and self pitying and full of shame and depression too FF. But you know what, it got better a little bit at a time, and so much lifted. You know early recovery sucks.

You got this.

Just do it now so you never have to do it again.

finaltime

It will get easier. I like to make a gratitude list when I'm feeling down. Can you get some sort of exercise? That also helps me. Hang in there. I know it feels like life is heck right now but your clean.

Soberwolf

Do you write a journal FF