sugar coating my using..

[wishIsedNO]

Im at one of my low points..Im miserable...I still dont have work...Im 23 living at home with a ten o'clock curfew...But it dont matter cause i dont have any friends..All my old friends use...Im just have a pity party..And in the middle of it im begininng to think back on my using days..And missing that nice feeling that heroin gave me...But i know it gave me more hell then good...But theres times like this that i look to the past and wish i could just go back for one day and then come back to now and not have consequences...But life aint like that..And if there wasnt any consequences no one would get clean...We get clean because were sick of the crap we go through..
Anyways with that im begininng to feel like everything is ugly...I just dont wanna do anything...But i know i have to if i wanna feel better...i just wish i knew all this when i was 16...i would never started using anything..if i knew the damage it do..I mean i know it can always be worse..And im lucky as all hell that im healthy..Have all my limbs...And i have a roof over my head...But inside my mind and heart it dont matter i still feel lousy..I guess all i can do is wait it out..and be a bit tough on myself..I have a few things i been procrastinating about..So im gonna make sure to get them done..Especially one of them which is to get my passport...Because i have to go to Dominican Republic with my mom which im looking forward to cause i use to go every year..My family lives down there..But this will be the first im going clean...Ill be able to finally feel good down there usually id go and be sick the whole time unless i would of gotten to sneak some stuff down there with me..But now i dont have the worry and boy it feels good..It also feels good that my mom looks at me and smiles and not with that look of worry..and fear...I like to think of these things when im craving...It helps...Well its late...Im sorry im a downer right now...But im not a phony...When i feel that crap...I show it....When im happy...Everyone knows it...Just the way i am....And i actually accept that...and sort like it...Now that is a big first..Jackie

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{{jackie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}]I am proud of you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It will get better..just dont use!!!!
{{{{{{{{{{bighugss}}}}}}}}}}}]]

[51anna]

Hi Jackie,

Stick it out through the low points and keep on doing what you're doing. Things are moving along and you'll be able to get a job before long.

Have fun in the Dominican Republic.

Love, Anna

[jinx230]

Hey Jackie,

Don't apologize for the message - every single one of us has had the lows and we all know what its like. It sounds like you see the light, that you have to learn to cope with life on life's terms without the drugs. I know you have a lot on your plate - very small steps, and give yourself some time to recover. I always try and speed up this process, but I realize I have to be patient and recover at a pace that worls for me.

Be good, and come back again, when you're down, or up.
~Jinx

[In memory of miracle]

It is difficult to ride out the mood swings in early recovery , there are so many physcial and mental changes we go thru . I too had no friends when I first started out . I found that by attending meetings , not only did it make me feel better , i also made some new really good friends . I am glad you posted and are getting it out and I think I even see some gratitude in your post ! For me , I try to stay positive as much as I can , but it was like learning how to think all over again ! Every day that we are clean is a victory , try to remember that when you are feeling down . I am pulling for you ! Sending light and love your way ... :heart: Trish

[wishIsedNO]

Thanx for all your replys...Im feeling alil bit better...And i do go to group...In my clinic we got groups all day long i usually go to one a day sometimes two depending on how much free time i got...I relate alot to jinx..I too always liked to rush things..When i got to this recovery time i finally sed to myself i aint gonna rush and i aint gonna make all these plans and time frames either..Im just gonna roll with the punches..And its helped alot...I have my good days and my bad ones..Lately i been on a real roller coaster ride of emotions..My home life has been really bad..My father is a horrible gambler and drinker..and on top of that he treats us like crap when he comes home..So i been trying to help my mom through it and on the same token feeling low from it myself...Cause my dad was never this bad..Its weird now that im clean the sh*t hits the fan..When i was using i was or it seemed like i was the only problem in the family..i always was feeling guilty about how i was making everyone feel..But now i have found im not the only screwed up one which makes me feel relieved but at the same moment annoyed tired and disgusted..Thats one part of my life then theres the part where im frustrated about not having work or money..Where i wanna be independant...And its starting to really annoy me now that i been in this recovery thing for 2 and half years and i feel like i been running in space the last year..When i first was in my program all i was thinking about was making each day through clean..Plus everything was new to me..Well now its getting old..And tiresome..I want new scenery..but its hard...Especially when i dont have good references and all..But i tell myself im still young and sooner or later someone will take a chance on me...and i think how hard it be if i was a few more years older with a few more years of problems and screw ups..So that keeps me from dropping everything and going back out there..But at the same moment.. i feel lousy cause i wanna have things..I wanna have freedom...im sick of sitting home all the time...I wanna be able to do what i please..What any 23 yr old wants..But i know i did wrong and i cant expect my life to be peachy keen after 6 yrs of putting dope in my viens..I guess i just need to focus...and stop thinking and putting myself down...And with enough drive i will get somewhere..Hey i was able to keep a bundle a day habit...with no job..I think i can go ahead and fight my way through this and get myself a place to live and work...Just need some patience...
Thanx again everyone..Sometimes you just need to vent it out...And also to be able to hear feed back..Thats why this forum has helped so much and is continueing to help me...Jackie

[splendra]

((((Jackie))))

I like you!!! I know you can go very far in life I can hardly wait to here about your other sucesses. But, I will. You are learning somethings that some people never learn and that will be a big advantage for you in the work force...

Getting clean is one thing but, getting your mind on right is BIG!!!! Congrats on your clean time!!! and on getting your mind on right!!!