Bad Day

[wishIsedNO]

Today was just one of those days..Maybe it was the cloudy skies i dont know..All i know is i was a total bitch..And i feel a bit guilty but at the same time i was in the right...It has to do with my BF..We are both recovering heroin addicts..We both chose methadone as our way to recover...We've tried rehabs before...And this isnt about our methadone use anyways..Ive wrote that because in past experience the moment i mention my methadone program it starts people talking...Anyways its about the change in our relationship since we both been clean..I know we are different people now we aint using...And at first i took our relationship not so seriously when we first were recovering cause i know of many people including my last relationship when you get clean you realize you dont love eachother anymore..But we found out we did love eachother...But since then hes been going into this kind of behavior that is getting really frustrating...He never wants to do anything he doesnt wanna leave the house..And he always finds some excuse...Now hes using hes taper off of methadone as an excuse..But i know that you feel lousy coming off of it but not so lousy you cant do anything but lay in bed...He only comes out to go to the hotel...Because we dont live together anymore we have no privacy so we have to rent a hotel room on the weekends..And thats the only time we get to be together...But for the past few months hes become like this zombie..I think its because he quick taking benzo's..I think they messed him up...Cause he never acted this way before..He was always very outgoing...when he got on methadone he wasnt ready to give up his high..and when the meth blocked him from feeling heroin he got into taking xanax...He got really bad for a year...e had seizures when he didnt have it..and he went into a coma twice from overdosing...He finally decided to quit..Hes been clean for 8 months now..And thats when all this started..And ive tried to be patient..But now i cant take it anymore..Being in a relationship isnt about just seeing eachother for an hour a day..and going to a hotel on the weekends..And its not like we dont got time we both arent working right now...So we got time..But once i got a job which i hope is real soon..We wont have so much time...I just feel really neglected...And at this time in my life i need someone..My home life is crazy with my dad acting up all the time..And my mom being stressed out all the time and trying to lean on me...When i cant even take care of me totally yet..I feel so stressed and with that comes the F its,,,I begininng to think F it..Lemme just leave all this crap and go use...But i know that wont bring me much happiness..But my disease...is liking the idea of going to use...so ive been getting terrible urges...But i guess thats life rite...Gotta live with it...But as you all know its hard...So today i blew up on him...And now hes all pissed..I think i was alil to harsh but i just feel ive tried to tell him how i need him..And he just wont lisiten...But it aint only him..Im just upset with my life..Its real hard coming back from life of using..I havent been able to get work...And my family dont trust me which i dont blame them..But its frustrating after almost 3 yrs I have a curfew of 11 o'clock..But its not like i wanna be hanging out all nite everynite but if i did want to i would like to be able too,,Im not 14 anymore..I just really have to find a way to make myself feel better..Im glad i have a place like this so i can air my feelings out an also get advice and comfort.,..Well its late...Hope all is well with all of you...Jackie

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{[bighugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}]
Keeping you in my prayers

[ButterflyChaser]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jackie)))))))))))))))))) )))))) I Love You girl! You'll be fine, remember...this too shall past~

[jinx230]

Recovery will not be easy Jackie, but it IS worthwhile!!

I'm only a month clean, and so many issues are flying at me - all the things I wanna fix about my life, but I can't do them all at once, and its very overwhelming. I sigh sometimes, think myself into a tiresome state of mind, then chill, cause I realize that things will get better - by progression, not at once. I want a quick fix....but this time, the being in for the long haul is the cure.

Believe me, I'm not preaching it cause I like it - I f'ing hate the fact that hard work is the only way, but it is...and I've learned too many times that its better than using.

Feel better Jackie, get some rest, I know I need it

[wishIsedNO]

i know what you mean..Im 9 months clean..and before that i had 11 months clean...i been in recovery now almost 3 yrs...so i know patience is a big part of it...Something thats really hard for us addicts who are use to instant gratification...But like you sed yourself sometimes you have them days where all you wanna do is say...F it ..F you...F my counselor..F my job looking days...F it all...Im going to get high...But then when your about to put on your shoes you stop and you think and you say yea that sounds good today but what about tomorrow...And the next day...I think back on my past relapses and i remember how wonderful i felt for the first week...How i felt welcomed back to my life...my friends..(so-called) but after a week or two..when people are use to you being back in the scene..and the free-bes start cutting to a hault...when you start feeling like crap when you wake up and the want to get high becomes a have too...well thats when i usually felt like kicking myself in the ass...and i would start to say what the F did you do....Why did you give up all them oppurtunities for this crap...How i desperatly wished there was a rewind button in life...But it be too late and i be back in the merry-go-round...With no stop in sight..And thinking back on that and the fact that im on methadone and wouldnt feel sh*t if i did try and got high keeps me from actually acting on my feelings..Which helps me out big time because then i see how them craves are only feelings and they pass..and the longer you away from using...the less intense the cravings are...and the more tools or whatever you wanna call them you get..so you know what to do when you do get blindsighted with one of them bad days...
I wish you the best on your recovery...Its hard them first weeks but it gets better..Even though i was bitchin big time back there..There isnt alotta days like that...its pretty cool not to have to wake up and be worrying my butt off on how i was gonna get my fix that day..Now i can lay back and relax alil bit in the mornings..Jackie

[blue_eyes18]

I know what you mean Kackie, I kinda feel like you, but I am not an addict. My boyfriend is. Well, whatever he is cause we have broken up and gotten back to gether and all taht a few times! Anyways, I know it is tough, VERY tough, but please don't give up! You'll feel so much better if you stick with the right thing!!