friend gave up full football scholarship over drugs?

[figure]

Hi! I'm new here! I don't know what else to do. I have been seeing this guy for about 6 months and have watched him slowly go down hill. He has been to anger management after getting a DUI in December. He has walked off the football field after cussing the coaches and now he has given up his full scholarship to play football. He left this summer in the middle of the night, without telling anyone. I was out of town. He packed up and went home. I have been trying and trying to find out why?? the more I pursue, the more he distances!! I just saw him last weekend. The first time in 6 weeks. HE LOOKED AWFUL! His eyes were bloodshot, pupils dilated, looked like he hadn't had a bath in months, stunk like sweat and smelled like marijuana. I couldn't believe it. I was scared to say anything so I didnt. We visited, had great sex and he left me saying he had some business to take care of. I think he may be dealing also!! I'm soo confused!! I can't gey any answers out of him and when I told him over the phone this week I knew about his addiction, he blew up at me and talked to me like I was a dog! I pray he does not mean what he said!! He says he used me for sex!! He just tells me he luvs me to get it. I told him that when you have slept with someone over a dozen times that that's not using someone for sex. I live in Louisiana and he lives in Texas. Why call me and text message me weekly if he does not really care for me? He could just get it from some girl there? I told him he needed help and not to call anymore when he was high! He is in denial sooo bad and will not talk to me, says he doesn't care about our friendship? Does he really feel this way? I need to know for me! I know he is doing marijuana but cant figure out what else? He sleeps all day and stays out all night! He is definately not the same person I new before! I'm scared he might do something to hurt himself and am seeking advice on how to deal with this!! He lies all the time does not see that he has a problem! Please help! Any advice will be appreciated!

[wishIsedNO]

before helping him im telling you maybe you should cut your loss..If someone could actually say they used you for sex..That shows he might be too much for you to handle...Addiction is a long and hard road for the person going through it but for the loved ones going through it with them its like a century...Im telling you this from a fellow addict...I know my disease hurt many...It seems like hes doing cocaine or maybe crack..Or he could be takin some other kind of upper...When you take something that makes you hyper..You will be up for hours your eyes will be dilated..and you might sweat talk alot...Also the guy last a long time when hes high...He wont *** either for a long time..And the way you said he seemed like he was dirty seems like he was on a binge..Most people when they go on a crack binge or coke..They will be out for days and wont shower..All they do is get high finish and go buy more when they dont have any more money they will steal borrow or sell drugs to get it...
All im telling you is if you really love him then go ahead and try and stick by him..But dont think your love alone will get him clean..It might help him see he wants to get clean..but it wont get him clean..A person who addicted needs to get clean for themselves and themselves only..At least what ive seen for myself and others around me..If you do it for your mom or significant other it dont work..Cause the moment there not looking you use..And then you lie to them..And it goes right back to the way it was before...Just goes around in circles till the addict really wants to stop for themselves,,I know because i did the same...And it hurts cause we dont wanna hurt the people we care about but its just we cant stop until we really want too..This disease is the most difficult thing to overcome,..Many people overlook that because they think well they started using why cant they just stop....Especially when its your bf or gf...But they dont understand the using of the drug is just a small part of it all...This disease is wrapped up in so much more of our psychie..I just want you to know that what you might choose to take on is gonna be something very tough..And you think what he sed to you last weekend hurt wait there be much more..And since you havent been with him long i would tell you to leave and run fast the other way,...Because you taking a BIG chance on him...I wish you the best..and i will pray for him..and hope he somehow sees the damage..and goes to get help..Jackie

[figure]

Thanks for your response. I wish I could just let him go but I can't stop thinking about him. My stomach is upset and I cant sleep thinking about it. I'm shocked at what a different person he is now and deperately wish there was something I could do! Do you think he will ever call me again? Things got pretty ugly and I dont want to loose total contact with him?

[Mai]

Hey there,

You're not alone... I'm going through the same thing... First of all my heart goes out to you. I've been reading and doing research for a while now and I'm still learning every day. I'm glad to know I'm not going through this alone too and fortunately I've been able to learn a few things...

I seriously doubt this is only marijuana. My boyfriend takes cocaine and shows the exact same sympthoms...
Cocaine affects your emotions, can make you feel paranoid, angry, hostile, and anxious, even when you're not high.
Cocaine is addictive, interferes with the way your brain processes chemicals that create feelings of pleasure, so you need more and more of the drug just to feel normal. People who become addicted to cocaine start to lose interest in other areas of their life, like school, friends, and sports.

I can ofcorse not say I'm sure this is it, but it seems like it. Or someting similar to this...

First of all, don't push him. You most probably pissed him off by telling him you know about the addiction and probably the way you said it. Been there... He's in denial and there's nothing you can do about it. Weather he deals too or only uses. So for now, it might be best for you not to bring it up again. And whatever you say, don't make him feel like you're attacking him, which is what you do make him feel unintentionally...

I know exactly what it's like being talked to like that. I've heard up to the "I don't f****** care!", "you're a f****** *****" and (on the phone) "you're f****** nuts, I'm not crazy, I know you've got a f****** c*** in your mouth", "go ahead and get pregnant again and get another abortion, 'cause that's what you're good at, etc etc etc... And all I did was sit in my room ALONE listening and talking to him on the phone for 15 hours!!! And suddenly BOOM!!! There it goes, out of nowhere!!!

Don't mean to scare you, but I was where you're at... Or maybe I do mean to scare you, 'cause this is where I'm at now and I DON'T want you to go through the same thing!!! I chose to stay 'cause he's not only my bf, he's my best friend. My travel partner. My motivation. Close to my family, and his mom and I support eachother without him knowing (his family lives in the States. He moved here to Asia where I live now with my family, we met here... I'm the only one his mom has out here) But it's SOO DAMN HARD! I HOPE you won't have to hear all this from him, but let this just be a warning... Be aware this might be coming...

When he says something mean, don't go against it. Don't answer or defend yourself and don't listen. Just tell him right away (when you feel it coming) in a civil way that you don't want to talk, say goodbye and hang up! He might call you a million times. Don't answer. He might send you text messages. Don't reply. I KNOW it's hard, but he's NOT the person you think he is and he is not in a normal state of mind. There's NOTHING you can say at that moment. He really doesn't care about anything or anyone at that moment. Not 'till he calms down and sobers up. He probably does care about you, but he has a problem...

Just so you know, most of the time they don't mean what they say when they're messed up. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt! Just let him be and don't get in touch with him till he calls you... IF you still want to deal with this... Just know that if you do, things WILL get worse before they get better... He WILL keep saying horrible things, even if he doesn't mean it. And know that there's no guarantee they will ever change...

"He sleeps all day and stays out all night..." This is what I've been going through for the longest time... If I come over after he'd taken anything (I never know when he does, 'cause he lies about it) he totally disrespects me. He calls me names, slams the door in my face or even litteraly throws me out... Doing drugs all night will keep you up till morning or even all the way up to lunch time, that's why he sleeps the rest of the day. Some highs can also perk up your sex drive. (Hope you used protection) Most probably after the high has subsided he becomes depressed, just like my bf... -Although psychological dependance is more of a problem than physical withdrawal symptons, low mood and feeling very rough soon after stopping can also tempt people to take more coke. A habit can be expensive and take over your life And yes, he definately isn't the same person you knew before.

I'm scared he might do something to hurt himself and am seeking advice on how to deal with this! -I'm scared he might do something to hurt YOU! More than just verbally. At this moment there's nothing you can do. I KNOW TOO WELL THAT THIS IS HARD AND SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE TO DO (AND HARD TO BELIEVE) WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE, but you need to accept this...

Pls read all the threads, esp under substance abuse and Nar-anon. You'll find many answers. What helped me the most is those who have recovered explain what they have gone through...Just like wishIsedNO. Glad to know you guys take the time out to help us too on the other side...

Good luck

[wishIsedNO]

Sometimes you have to see that a relationship isnt worth the heartache.....I mean yea sometime they might wake up and be that wonderful person you know they can be...But that can be a long way from here....Im an addict....And yea when my bf left me cause i chose drugs over him....At the time i was so hurt and pissed wondering why he couldnt see that i loved him but i just couldnt quit at the moment..I wonder why he wouldnt wait...but then now that i am clean and look back on it,,,I see he went through 4 yrs of hell....And he didnt know when i would finally get clean...Which ended up being 4 more years...And even now my sobriety isnt certain..Although im gonna work my butt off to keep it up...But i understand now why he had to save himself...I was just too crazy for him,,,And now im with my current bf but me and him are both addicts...We met while using and now we got clean together going 2 yrs strong...But even that he still hurts me by bring up past things....But im learning now how to love myself ...And that i dont need a man to feel loved...and whole..Although its nice to have someone to hold at night...But you shouldnt be treated like crap to have someone to keep you warm....Right now both of your bf are just living for the next hit....Yea they like you around after they had there fix...But if you made them choose they definitly choose there drug...And are you worth that..I think not..I say leave them and get someone better,,,Especially FIGURE..You havent been with him long...You think your stomach is in knots now...Wait till he actually does stick with you...And he manlipulates you into believeing he will get clean...but then he secretly gets high behind your back...For a few years it wont be too bad but before you know it he wont be able to control his habit...And money will begin to be missing...Things around the house will be gone...You wont have rent money..The lights will be turned off..You be miserable and on top of that he'll go missing for days maybe weeks...Everything outta his mouth will be a lie....You wont know who the hell your sleeping next too..And im telling you you'll have stomach ulcers by that time..If you feel its worth it then go ahead...But im telling you you taking big risks,,,And i hate to see someone whos worth something give up a good life cause they fall in love with someone who already gave up on there lives...If you think you can save them...Your in for a big surprise..Yea some people do help there loved one..But i think its cause they met them at the right moment when the person was already getting sick of using...And wanted more..Your guy just started his on a long hard road to no where...I wish you the best..Keep an open mind on what i wrote and know i aint trying to make you feel bad..Im talking the truth and sometimes you dont wanna hear it but at least consider it..Jackie