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BF using cocaine...

Old 05-28-2015, 09:02 AM
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Blue you can have all the rehab in the world but it comes from inside. The amount of lies I told myself and my fellow junkie brothers about getting clean, a plan. Rectifying things. New starts etc. Always said when you have a nice pile of smack in front of you and you are completely wackoed. Because I am so greedy my pals would save a little bit for the morning. I'd always do the lot in unless I'd bought loads, if I'd bought loads I'd be up at 430am like a kid at Xmas unable to sleep with excitement at getting into my stash. If I had none I'd wake up totally drained, with the feeling of sickness around the corner and after the big talk about one last hurrah the night before even having got subs to limit the damage the only thing that could get me out of bed was the call that my dealer was coming around the corner and I'd bounce out of bed and go meet her and the same cycle would start again. It's only a start if he wants it to be, honestly truly wants it to be and has accepted he is an addict and he can't stop thinking secretly I will stay clean then have a blow out for my birthday, for Xmas etc. I only managed to get clean once I finally accepted that I couldn't ever use heroin again. When your life has revolved around it for several years that is a hard thing to accept. The hardest. To the poster who printed off my post I'm glad it helped. It's the truth. For addicts the drug is the number 1 thing in their life. Nothing else comes close (maybe those with kids would say different but I can't comment on that) There is no glamour in addiction, the rituals we have around using make it almost like romance for us and our relationship with that drug. All I can say blue is if you want to stick by him good luck but remember you will only know the tip of the iceberg. My best mate got caught by his wife. He told her he'd been using 6 weeks, 6 years more like. Then a week after getting caught we had a bbq round at his, we made an excuse to go get more booze and scored more smack. I was saying to him your nuts she'll leave you and take the 2 kids with her if she finds out - he says she'll never think I'll have the nerve to do this - laughing as we always did when we were pulling the wool over people's eyes. Just a big game. Played by 2 big kids. And that after all the hurt we'd caused her (I got dragged into it as his business was going down the pan she asked how he afforded it and explained I'd been paying for him) we went back to the bbq with our props ( some beer, wine, snacks, cigarettes) she questioned why he took so Long we front it out she goes talks to her friends again and we wink and smirk at each other. Pathetic. Proud of our ability to deceive - those are the sort of values you hold in high regard as addicts. Blue you obviously want to share and get opinions - mine is to let go - however painful - because from what you say, he isn't ready to stop. He may never be ready. And even if he is to quote winston Churchill - Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
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Old 05-28-2015, 09:27 AM
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Blue define better - because I have been clean now 5 months - am I better? Well I'm still a heroin addict and always will be. I'm just not using. I'm an addict full stop. It needs planning, discipline, hard work and a lot of the time miserable as sin as your brain gets back to normal. I'm single by choice because I couldn't impose this reality on someone else - it isn't fair on either of us. What if he gets clean and in the future you want to finish it - he says he can't handle it and will use. Just because he might not be using at some point soon doesn't mean it's whistling Dixie time. He'll have to ultimately try and face up to what he's running from/scared of that makes him need to take drugs because real life and real emotions and feelings seem too much to bare.
My use spiralled after a really hard break up with a girl I loved completely & utterly - recreational use (admittedly getting worse) went off the charts and spiralled as i couldn't face my emotions so embraced heroin completely and utterly. It took the pain away, numbed me, but I resolved nothing and basically wasted 2 more years of my life at least. When I'd split before with gf's I wouldn't even drink much (I was flat out drunk through my 20s till mid 30s) as I knew I'd get emotional and I knew drinking into a stupor wouldn't help. I wouldn't take E's as I knew the comedown would be horrific and coke would make me anxious and paranoid. But meth and heroin crack etc the addiction factor is high, you don't think normally when you using drugs like these.

I became a heroin addict ultimately because it allowed me to opt out of the human condition & just focus on addiction. Which makes you very single minded. I couldn't face the pain of life and my feelings so self medicated. Still got all that ahead of me blue so please be aware that this will hand over you as long as you together and your bf for life. Accepting that fact is also bloody difficult. That you've messed up to such an extent that you've given control of your destiny to a drug - have finally got control back but that that fight is something you have to face every day.

I bumped into an old smack head buddy the other day, he ranting like a loony at me so I knew he'd got on. I wasn't tempted at all but I always have to remain vigilant as one day I might be. It's a burden to carry round with you and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't.

If you are sure this is the life you want, bearing in mind addiction gets worse not better, then good luck. But make sure you really think it through. God bless X
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Old 05-29-2015, 12:49 PM
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Hi guys...
thanx for all the advice.... he is in rehab now... willingly.
Red i hear what you are saying... i really do....
however i really do love him and i hope that rehab can be the start... even if its an tiny start... to getting better.... i am willing to stick with him as long as he is not using and lying to me again...
If he starts lying again i will defnitely get out....
I am however hoping that he can get through this... he wants to be clean...

But today was hard. Dropping him off at rehab. It was hard.
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Old 05-31-2015, 07:23 PM
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maybe some of the books will help. when i was in rehab i didnt have a NA basic text only AA. i think itrs good to read both.
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Old 09-01-2015, 07:44 AM
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Progress...

Hi guys
Its been a while.... we are still together... he has been clean for 100 days now, including his time in rehab. He is at home and working and functioning. He has been for about 2 months now. It's still hard. He has cravings and mood swings some days... other days are better.... but it's still hard. He is defnitely clean however (he has agreed to occasional random urine tests) and i am very proud of him. There is probably a long road still ahead and it will never be "easy"... but at the moment it's worth it.
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Old 09-01-2015, 10:24 AM
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Old 09-01-2015, 01:52 PM
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The first year is the hardest it takes a while for the chemicals to level out. i remeber throwing a fit at 6 months that was totally just my feelings and brain just off. keep strong hopefully he does too. we can recover if we work and live the steps.
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Old 09-01-2015, 02:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Blue21 View Post
Thanx for all the replies guys... really appreciate it....

I got really mad yesterday because he kept denying using even after i confronted him with the solid evidence... i know it was a really bad move to get angry as he is a bit unpredictable.... but he eventually started crying..... confessing that he used.... but he swears he only used once.... Tuesday.... and that it wont happen again....

Now I'm a complete idiot when it comes to these things... i always try to see the best in people and i trust easily.... forgive quickly.... but should i believe him? Is it possible that he only used once?
Oh sweetie,
This sounds so similar to my story. I found baking soda under our sink, a crack pipe in our bathroom. Confronted my XABF and he denied it, told me I was "crazy" that the paraphenilia is "old" from when he "used to use, he didn't know he even had it there anymore," etc. etc. Every lie in the book, every possible manipulation---I heard. I wanted to believe. He would say the same thing "I only used once" "I'm not USING" "It was just pot." Every. Possible. Excuse.

ZERO accountability=not ready to be sober.

I believed him, but (in hindsight I don't think I truly did).

My advice, and it is easier said than done...is to run. Run as quickly as you can to an alanon/naranon meeting.

If you need a friend, please PM me. It gets much worse before it gets better. (If it even does...)

Hugs.
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Old 09-01-2015, 03:46 PM
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Originally Posted by damascus1986 View Post
if i had 5$ for every time i said " this is the last time " to my loved ones . Even now in recovery with a few years i tell girls i date, if i should relapes i dont plan on it but if i do. give me a ultimatum, put me in jail, do whatever you have to if you care about me at all. and if your with me for a month and im usuing and im not doing anything to stop LEAVE ME. be cause i will only harm you.


honestly my opinion is most addicts cant stop alone. i know i couldnt. i needed the steps i needed NA. and i needed someone to be hard on me before my drug use killed me.

and i needed to really want it. more then saying i wanted it i had to take action.


sorry if i seem a lil harsh or abrupt just for me it was life or death and i would have lied till i died if my loved ones didnt finally get a lil mean.
Hi,
When you say, "addicts can't stop alone," that leaves me with the impression that you think their "support system," shouldn't abandon them. But, doesn't that contradict your earlier response where you suggest we "leave them?"

Thank you for sharing your story, and congrats on the long-term sobriety!
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Old 09-02-2015, 01:12 PM
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Originally Posted by hopepraylove View Post
Hi,
When you say, "addicts can't stop alone," that leaves me with the impression that you think their "support system," shouldn't abandon them. But, doesn't that contradict your earlier response where you suggest we "leave them?"

Thank you for sharing your story, and congrats on the long-term sobriety!
Sometimes what we need the most is tough love. i said i belive "most" cant stop alone and stay stopped. I believe the theraputic value of one addict helping another is without parrallel. So i feel that while our loved ones want to help us sometimes the best thing they can do is let us hit our bottom ( especially if they have never been to alanon). The leave them comment is more for myself what i have told many girls i dated since i got clean. I honestly feel that just like i did in my past use if i ever did relapse I would hurt the ones closest to me and use their love for me against them. The old style motto of Na was " get busy living or get busy dying" the new motto is " keep coming back. i lean twards the first one a lil bit but they both have truth to them. I belive actions speak louder then words , Anyone can say " i want to get clean", or 'I want to change my life" action need to follow that or the word mean little we are master liars and manipulators.

For me to use again is worse then commiting suicide. Surely i would die or end up in jail or a hospital if im lucky. I would hurt everyone i loved on the way out and its the most selfish thing that i can do. So yes if i relapse and if i dont show any signs of change in a month or so leave me. As u suggested to the OP run . I feel the ones i love deserve better then that.

I realize that it is a mental disease that is incurable but treatable i just think some of us need tough love we often dont want to give up our drugs so easily and sometimes doubt a god thats carried us through so much. If it wasnt for my HP i never would have made it.
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Old 09-16-2015, 04:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Blue21 View Post
Hi guys...

My story is probably very similar to many others... however I am completely overwhelmed and in shock at the moment....

I have been dating this guy for almost a year now.... i know that he used cocaine a couple of times before we dated... but he promised me that it was only a couple of times and that it hasn't been happening whilst we've been dating. I believed him but i kept getting these funny feelings...

Sometimes he would be extremely depressed and moody and paranoid and other times he would be sooo happy. And even though he has a good job he never has any money....

I started getting worried when his moods became worse... so i checked his wallet this week... and found a folded square piece of plastic, wrapped in toilet paper. Inside of the folded plastic was white powder residue... i tested this with a swab test that i bought from the pharmacy... and it tested positive for meth and cocaine... i couldn't believe it so i purchased two more tests today... positive again...

I asked him a couple of times this week whether he was clean.. he promised me that he was... but he got mad and said that he was dissapointed in me that i dont trust him... because i kept on asking...

I just left it at that... he thinks everything is fine now... and that we are fine... but I'm kinda freaking out... dono what to do... surely if i tell someone (like his parents) it will turn his life upside down...? But he won't admit it to me.... I want to help him... but i dont want to ruin his life... please post of you have any advice... I have no idea how to deal with this...
Trust is an important thing in relationships. Trust has been broken. He's lied to you more than once, it sounds like. And while I realize that most people lie because they are afraid of what will happen if they tell the truth, it's still a lie. He may be lying to himself as well and that's called DENIAL. Right now, it sounds as though he does not have a true personal conviction to quit. But his "bad moods" will only likely get worse as that is how it progresses.

You can't (in a healthy way) live your life in a constant state of wondering whether or not he is clean. That's crazy-making. It's not too much different than when someone cheats on you and that leaves you constantly worrying if they will be true or whether they are cheating (again). It will eventually wear you down and make you unhealthy.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a relationship in which we love the person, but can't abide by some of the things they do.
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Old 09-16-2015, 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Blue21 View Post
Hi guys
Its been a while.... we are still together... he has been clean for 100 days now, including his time in rehab. He is at home and working and functioning. He has been for about 2 months now. It's still hard. He has cravings and mood swings some days... other days are better.... but it's still hard. He is defnitely clean however (he has agreed to occasional random urine tests) and i am very proud of him. There is probably a long road still ahead and it will never be "easy"... but at the moment it's worth it.
Whoops, I posted the above before I read this.

Good news.
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Old 09-24-2015, 07:34 AM
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Wondering...

Hi guys...

Above all i knew this day would come.... It's been a while since he last did a drug test. Things have been going well and he has been clean for 4 months.

In this week he decided that he doesn't want to go to his NA meetings anymore because he "doesn't need it anymore"... he asked me about this and i said that his recovery is important to me but ultimately it is his decision whether he wants to go or not.

Secondly, he was supposed to work today (public holiday). But he decided last night that he wants to take the day off to go visit a friend and have a braai etc. I had prior arrangements for today, since he was going to work, which i could not cancel, thus i am not with him at this braai....

What bothers me is it's this friend that he was always using with... however the friend has claimed to be 100% clean for a few months as well.

I don't know. In my heart I believe that he is and will stay clean. But this whole day makes me very very uncomfortable. I know I can't watch him 24/7 and that i should trust him but he lied so many times before....

No idea how to handle this going-crazy-skin-crawling-anxious feeling....

Any advice?
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Old 09-24-2015, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Blue21 View Post
Any advice?
Buckle your seatbelt. The ride is apt to get bumpy.
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Old 09-24-2015, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Blue21 View Post
Hi guys...

Above all i knew this day would come.... It's been a while since he last did a drug test. Things have been going well and he has been clean for 4 months.

In this week he decided that he doesn't want to go to his NA meetings anymore because he "doesn't need it anymore"... he asked me about this and i said that his recovery is important to me but ultimately it is his decision whether he wants to go or not.

Secondly, he was supposed to work today (public holiday). But he decided last night that he wants to take the day off to go visit a friend and have a braai etc. I had prior arrangements for today, since he was going to work, which i could not cancel, thus i am not with him at this braai....

What bothers me is it's this friend that he was always using with... however the friend has claimed to be 100% clean for a few months as well.

I don't know. In my heart I believe that he is and will stay clean. But this whole day makes me very very uncomfortable. I know I can't watch him 24/7 and that i should trust him but he lied so many times before....

No idea how to handle this going-crazy-skin-crawling-anxious feeling....

Any advice?
Have you attended al anon or nar anon meetings yet? I highly suggest you start going...IMO, this doesn't look good...someone who is unwilling to work the program, especially four months in...is big, red, flag.
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Old 09-24-2015, 05:44 PM
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This is tough, Blue...I would probably feel the same as you do right now if I was in your shoes. I am in recovery myself and know the He ll I put my husband in before I was finally willing to get REAL and get real help. I denied, I lied, I tried to cover up...I did the whole thing...my drugs were prescription pain meds (opiates, sleeping pills and alcohol, not cocaine, but still, I lied and lied and lied. I had to get honest. I hope he will stay clean, but I sure don't blame you for being suspicious and having an icky feeling about it. I am sorry for what you are going through. You've got to take care of yourself.
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Old 09-24-2015, 06:07 PM
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Imo it's a bad sign if he doesn't want to go to meetings anymore. Even if he doesn't plan on using the further he separates himself from the fact that he has a problem the more complacent he will get and more likely he will use. This is what happened to me the 1 time I relapsed. After being sober sometime I slowly and conveniently forgot about my problem to the point where I didn't think it was a big deal to use. That spiraled out of control faster than ever and was even harder to get sober again.
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Old 09-24-2015, 09:46 PM
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Blue - I've been on this rollercoaster for almost 3 years now.

BF's Detox/rehab was march &april 2014.
Followed by a stint in a transition house.
I had finally let my guard down so much I didn't even realize he relapsed May, July & then in October 2014 he went on a huge binge.

Set some new boundaries...in January he moved out.
Failed to enforce those boundaries as discovered I was pregnant. He passed a 3 month clean hair follicle test in January. The behaviours of addiction/chronic relapses were all still there...lying, sneaking around etc.
He binged twice in March of this year.
Muddle through the past many months...still with him lying, sneaking around, using NA/16 step groups as places to troll and cheat.
Passed a three month hair follicle test in July.

Just the other day his "six month clean" test showed positive for meth & cocaine.

Of course the excuses - it's from a quit smoking drug, ingested residue on dishes from rental, absorbed from sleeping on bed another user sweated on, absorbed from handling baggies left in rental suite by old tenant.

It's tough...really tough...but trust your gut, or trust but verify.
Or if possible leave. I wish I had taken the advice of so many and left years ago.

Now I realize how much time and energy I have wasted on someone who is not ready to recover. To do the work. He too wouldn't attend meetings, wouldn't go to counselling etc. He always claims to "have it under control".

And when he does go it doesn't seem to be about recovery or working steps but rather socializing, cheating and getting attention for being a "recovering addict " and since he is a functioning addict feels people there look up to him.

You are right you can't babysit him 24/7 and you shouldn't have to.
Been there and spent so much time thinking something I could say/do/be would make a difference but it's really truly up to them 100% stay clean or not.

I hope you can find a way to make peace with whatever you choose and focus on your own wants/needs because it's truly not healthy for those of us who live in constant worry of the relapse.
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Old 09-25-2015, 07:58 AM
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If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck....it's probably a duck.

As I started catching up on this thread I thought, the funny thing about maintaining a relationship in (early) recovery is the addicted needs to change . That means everything, including and most importantly their personality. This means the significated other should, more than anybody else notice this difference.
Otherwise...if he still walks like a duck.....

Be Well,
Larry
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Old 09-25-2015, 10:29 AM
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I had to look up braii its means BBQ right ?

il share this when my brother last relapsed he was taking a friend to meetings thing is the guy was a drug dealer and I just knew it was bad I tried explaining how he should be focusing on himself and as much as its nice its not productive I knew the guy didn't mean it we used to DJ together and a few days later my brother was at mine this was around 8 months ago he's doing well now 8 or 9 months something like that

Hanging out with old friends is a red flag he's defending the decision with recovery which as nice as it is I have first hand experience of watching how easily it goes wrong

The yellow flag was him quitting meetings with nothing to replace it and it suggests arrogance or something bothering him either way remember you have us to lean on & don't forget yourself in this

here if you ever want to talk
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