Sphynxle

Hello everyone, I'm Sphynxle, and I am completely new to the forum! I never in my life thought I would be writing a post like this, but here we are and I have to deal with what I've gotten myself into. Small back story - for the past three years, I've been doing Percocet on a regular basis. I don't have a very high usage (Most I would take would be two at a time, twice a day), but it's still enough to make me miserable when I'm off of them. I've been caught twice stealing them from my Mom. I've found myself in a hole where I'm doing everything I can to make sure I can obtain them (nothing like buying them off the street - more like bumming them from my friends).

A week ago tomorrow, I checked myself into an out patient rehab program for both this and for my mental health. I've got to get to the bottom of why I'm doing this. I slipped up this weekend due to stress, and it screwed up what progress I had up until then As of right now, I'm 30hrs clean, and struggling ... I know my tolerance and usage is NOWHERE NEAR some of what I've read on here (it makes mine look like a child!), but I'm still miserable.

They have me on Trazadone for night, to help with my RLS and sleep. During the day, they're giving me Vistaril, for my anxiety. They sorta work. First night trazadone knocked me OUT, last night it took about four hours to kick in. My RLS is nowhere near what it was the last time I tried to kick, so I take that as a blessing. That always seems to be my hang up. I will do anything to make that feeling go away. I've had RLS since I was a child, and having that PLUS opiate withdrawal is just hell.

Drinking as much water as I can. I figure the sooner I can flush this crap from my system, the better I will be. Don't have access to hot water right now (water bill hit in between paydays!), so no hot showers I'm having a huge craving right now. I know it will pass, but AARRRGGH.

Hopefully this all passes soon. My therapy group has been incredibly supportive of me.

cleaninLI

Sphynxle welcome to SR. Your story reminds me a lot of my first go around. I had what you would call a "light" Percocet habit. Problem with those is that they progress into a much larger addiction. So it's good you saw how this is going for you and got yourself some help! I was also put on Trazadone for sleep. It did work....and it's much better than Ambien or a benzo which can become another addiction. So try to stick it out with the Trazadone. I've found that eating a light snack shortly before taking it...helped it to work. I'd get ready for bed....then eat a bowl of cereal or sandwich...take the med and it would hit me pretty fast....making me dizzy. I almost had to be in bed when I took it or I'd have trouble walking. It really knocked me out! Ha! But I suppose meds work different for different people?

I know you are feeling pretty miserable right now. The amount you were taking is certainly enough to cause withdrawals when stopped. You will feel relief after 72 hours most likely. In the meantime try eating banana's and potassium rich foods and drink sports drinks. Hot baths with Epsom salts helped a lot for the restless legs too. I hated that! It's awful! Just hang in there! You did the right thing and came to the right place! You are not alone!

Dee74

Welcome to SR Sphynxle - There's a ton of support here
I'm glad you found us

D

Sphynxle

That's actually why I'm not on something like Ambien. She gave me a prescription, but it was only used in EMERGENCIES if Trazadone wasn't working at all. I never filled it, and now she told me not to at all. Fine with me - the less I have to worry about being addicted to something, the better off I am. I'm oddly scared the Trazadone and Vistaril are going to make my RLS worse. That's what I've experienced in the past, and it's something that makes me very antsy. I can't handle nights like that at all.

Thank you guys so much for your support! I feel like ... I dunno. I know that I used to have a life before this addiction. I had fun - I even remember saying to people "Who needs drugs when you have this much fun with friends?" and somewhere along the line I lost that. If I didn't have my meds, I got antsy, irritable and irrational. I don't want to be that person anymore. It's not fun anymore, it's just a habit. Not to mention I actually do have a problem with both ovarian cysts and kidney stones, and I do NOOOT want it to get to the point the ER refuses to give me medication if I legit need it and have one of those.

It's something I'm going to struggle with for the rest of my life. I feel ridiculous I even ended up here.

cleaninLI

Awe sphynxle I totally understand! I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd become an addict! Never! I did NOT take lots of recreational drugs or go wild throughout my teens. But I did have a cough that wasn't going away and the doctor put me on hydro codone syrup. I fell in love at first gulp! That was it...an addict was born.

But we do not have to let this rule our lives. We can say no! We can say these Percs are not an option! Then mean it and do something else. Because you are so right! These pills lead us to only one place! Hell on Earth! A life of counting them....of checking to see how many we have left....of planning and plotting how to get more of them. A good day for us means pills in our pocket and a bad one....means running out. That isn't living is it? Being ruled by pills!

Believe me when I say life without them is so much better! It's so much happier! Having respect for ourselves. Our families respecting us too.

I know it doesn't happen right away...but you will see....it gets better and better and easier and easier as time goes on.

I hope you find out the best med to take for your restless legs. Trazadone helped me..because it knocked me out pretty well at night. I found that my anxiety got so much better off the opiates. But it took a few weeks. You made a very good choice not picking up the others they can be worse to get off of then the Percs.

But I know anxiety and panic attacks are a huge symptom of opiate addiction. That was one of the worse withdrawal symptoms for me and caused me to cave many times. But if you can just get thru a few more days....trust me...you will feel so much better!
There is a sub forum here for anxiety that I found very helpful. I learned about mindfulness there. That helped me a lot.

Sphynxle

You just described me personally. Going through everything I have, cutting them in half to make sure I have 'just one more', even if it isn't going to give me the buzz I want. Just enough to starve off the withdrawals. Plotting, planning on how to get more, and where and why. It's a life I do NOT want to go through anymore, and I'm not going to.

I did check myself into an out patient rehab (like I said before), so I feel that's going to be a good step! They're monitoring me, of course, with drug tests and such. I'm actually looking forward to them? In a way, I think it'll be a power trip to see my opiate test go DOWN each week. I've also been open and honest with my best friend and my Mom and Papa. It feels good to talk to someone. That's why I went here. I can talk to them, but they don't understand.

Sorry if I'm responding too much!

ETA: What do you guys eat during this time? I know pretty much everything is just going to run through me, but what's GOOD for my body? Not a huge fish fan, so that's out. Is Gatorade good?

damascus1986

just remebr once u get through the withdrawls u never have to do it again. you can do it. i believe in you.

cleaninLI

Gatorade is the best! That will help you get back much needed nutrients and liquid that your body is losing do to withdrawal. I found yogurt and fruits pretty easy to tolerate. Crackers and toast was ok too. Pretty much what you'd eat and drink while having the flu. It's ok if you lose a little weight. I know I always did...but you'll gain it back afterward.

Yes I totally understand because I've been there done that too. Our life becomes so narrow...so tiny and small. I life of pills and that is it. It's so sad and crazy how that happens.

You deserve a huge applause! Wow! Joining an IOP was the BEST thing you could do for yourself! They will keep you accountable as well as teach you the necessary tools to avoid cravings and remain perc free! You will learn a lot! Also, you will be with other people who understand. So I'd say it's a win win and a very good choice!

If cravings come while you aren't at groups then come here and hang with us....ok? Lots of opiate addicts on this forum but even more than that....addiction is addiction despite the doc.

I love what Damascus said! "You NEVER have to do this again!" This can be your very last time! Just don't pick up again.

Sphynxle

Omg, that's actually insanely helpful. I will NEVER have to go through this again once this is all out of my system. That's an amazingly helpful thought. Thank you so much for that!

CleaninLI - YES TO GATORADE. I figured it would be good, due to the electrolytes in it. I really, really hate water just straight up, so if I can replace it with gatorade, I'll be golden. And thank you for the congrats It was a huge step to get into rehab, but it's something that was really, really needed. Luckily the people there have been amazing - I can't wait until I come out on top of this.

And I certainly will. I tend to find I crave it more when I'm by myself, so I'll probably be on here a LOOOOT. Haha )

cleaninLI

My son is like that! He can't drink water only. Ha So I know what you mean.

Yes please do come back. Read through...lot and lots of helpful threads in the archives.

Happy to have you here with us.

kzaug2014

Sphynxle, all of the info that Clean gave you is invaluable...priceless really!

Where I ended up last yr. is where any addict could end up...Iv H.

I was prescribed Methadone, norcos & klonopins for over 10yrs. Last yr. I lost my doc & was cut off.
I had no street contacts, but H is thriving, alive n well in my part of my state! So, I started snorting it ( @ 1st ) to escape the hell of withdrawals.

Plz don't end up where I did ( I got clean last Aug. ) No one thinks they can, but believe me, one can.

Congrats on getting clean. You can do this.

finaltime

Yes clean said it all right. The life of being on pills is tiresome, the good part is you want to quit. That is first step. NA meetings are free, try those as well if you can.

Fishak

I read through this several times. Just exactly what I am going through. Day three. Three and done. Again wow. All of this post is ME. Counting pills. 1/2 or whole. Whole of course. Pockets full before heading to work. No sleep last night. A night to forget.

finaltime

yes we have all been there. Pills get ahold of us and run our life, it's not okay and we can't recover alone. We have to do something, accept we have our disease and ask for help. Wherever it is, ask. I have tried for 15 years to do it alone, nothing has sustained. Longest I have ever went was 5 months off opiates and 8 months off booze. I go back and hate it every bit of it, when I am at my happiest is when I am going to meetings, talking to people in the program, being held accountable. If its up to me I will be hiding and sneaking, blowing all my cash before long then headed into detox....Everytime saying this is my last. Its the disease that gets us, gets ahold of us when we move away from support. Like a plant with light. If your anything like me I isolate, if I have pills in my pocket I feel the world is fine then when I am close to run out or run out, hectic, panic, running around chasing more. Always planning my quit date where I can hide out and detox. Thats no life to live. Hell no. Easier said then done. We can try to white knuckle it, people that can exchange hobbies for drugs more power to them. The only thing that works for me is getting on my knees every day, asking my higher power for help and not running my life. calling people from the program, getting to meetings. Trust me, I've been around this forum for years always going back out back out back out. My ego likes to think I am better than others. I am just the same. Just because I have a masters degree and stable job doesn't mean I suffer. I care more about what others think of me in the rooms then I do my life??? Thats what gets us. ego. They say in the rooms its editing god out. Thats what gets me overtime is thinking I got this, I am better than that, don't need help. NOPE. as they also say my disease is doing push ups outside the rooms waiting for me to fail. Then i get angry, why me, why do I have to deal with this crap. Why can't I be normal.

Acceptance.

Powerless over any substances.

Using will eventually lead me to jails, institutions and death. I know this for sure. Every relapse does my head in a little more. Makes me more wiser and is shorter then the last one, but no matter what is why the relapse happens. what will I do next time the obsession comes. Thats what gets me now is when that obsession comes it doesn't shut up. like a pimple on your face that wants you to squeeze it over and over even though you know its not ready. so I give in, I don't want to hear it say use use use so I give. justify, rationalise, I will just get pills today, just for this injury, blah blah blah. all a freaking lie. one pill and I am back in my kingdom of isolation running my own program.

this life isn't easy but there is help out there. we do have the ability to change. things can get better. for today I am sober. I have loads of work to do still but I will keep it in today. If I don't pick up its a good day. We are addicts, drugs is what we do. don't beat yourself up, instead make a gratitude list of what you did positive today.