Cocaine & Sex!

[Solace]

Hi everyone

This is a major realisation of my Life! I am a 40 year old guy, who to be honest is quite successful in a business sense yet a total FOOL in my personal life. I have recently destroyed the world of a truly wonderful person! and three wonderful children, two of which are my own with my partner.

Cocaine took me out of a depression, brought about by business pressure and stress, and took me into a new world of Depression and Sorrow, even self pity!

I have always had a high sex drive, I used to enjoy porn to the extent of perversion! I have smoked cannabis for about 18 years, with the occasional break of say 7days (family holidays, NEVER smoked in front of my children) I first experienced cocaine on the eve of the Millenium (thought it will only happen once in my lifetime, Millenium that is) That was the start of sensation that I would crave for on a more fequent basis has time went by.

Approx 18 months ago I turned to cocaine has a release to the depression I found myself in! To be honest I NEVER thought I was depressed, just fed up! How Wrong I Was! I would sit in my office, alone (I found that I spent most of my time alone! mostly through choice) I would watch porn, smoke dope and snort cocaine! I would have fantasies about the porn I was watching, I would pleasure myself and feel guilt after the drug had subsided.

I also spent a lot of time surfing the net, looking at swingers sites and escort sites, I found a way to take my fantasies one step further, the cocaine, had such an affect that I thought of nothing and no one but my desires within, I would think to myself (whilst on the drug) "I just need to either pick the phone up and call an escort or make contact with a female swinger or couple and I could live my own real life porno! (swingering never really happened, up until mid July 2004)

I am in a hopeless situation, my partner made a discovery (from my mobile phone bill! Fool) my world jus fell apart and I am having a major problem trying to put it back together, Believe it or not my partner still loves me and would possibly still have me back? I LOVE HER MORE THAN LIFE! what stops her is the fact that she thinks I actually cared about my liasons and txt messaging friends. she can't and won't belive that a drug could have such an affect!

Am I Fooling Myself? or have I discovered the reason behind my actions?

I Just NEED to know?

[ButterflyChaser]

I'd drop the text messaging friends & whatever else u got going on, & if this women wants to be with you, & you love her, then by all means....she's giving you a chance, GO FOR IT!
Personal question here...does she like porno? will she watch the stuff with ya, ok am i being a pervert here?

[jinx230]

Hey man,

Find some way to explain to your lover that the drug really does have that kind of affect on you. I think she will understand and help you out if she understands that you need support - but don't allow her to think that it doesn't have to do with the drugs. Go to meeting with her perhaps, and when she hears you and others telling similiar stories (cause addicts always do), she will more than likely have more support for you and will help you out.

Hope this helps!

[Solace]

Thaks for the help up to now folks, I have totally disassociated myself from the drug the people and the environment in which it all started, in fact I am 2,000 mile away from it all in Lanzarote, trying to make peace with myself and my partner, she needs space but it is killing me giving it to her, she keeps digging for details and I can't give her anymore than I already have! I have come clean to the point of TOTAL EXPOSURE yet! she thinks I am making it all up has an excuse!

I am at a loss has to what to do?

No we do not watch porn together has the norm, I think in the 11 years we have been together we may, and I stress may have watched porn twice

I DON'T watch porn anymore and to be honest I am actually disgusted with myself for the pit pit of an existance I found myself in. She is the SEXIEST woman a man could care to have the pleasure of. Very Attractive, Dress size 8. 32dd great arse!

What was I thinking of????????

[wastedtime4me]

Hi there solace
First off congrats on on geting away from the coke..
How about you suggest that you and your prtner get int o individual counseling?? Then on to couple counseling?? I feel from reading your posts that maybe you have developed a sexual addiction somewhere along the way...either way...You cant just make promises and hope she will come back..Check out getting yourself into some meetings..you truely cant DO anything to fix her at this point..you really need to put all your energy into taking care of you and eventually she will SEE you are changing for the better..because we all know action speaks louder than words..she is very hurt right now and understandably so..I personally dont feel telling her anymore of your secrets will really make anything better...But taking positive action on your part certainly will SHOw her...Keep comin back..this is a wonderful site for recovery...You asked on another post if we thought you were an addict..we cant answer that for you..only you have the answers...I dont want pot right now but if it was put in front of me..Idont think i would have the strnegth to say no..Because i Know i am weak when it comes to that because i am an addict and i have a real hard time dealing with life on lifes terms and like to run when i can..but in the long run...Thats gonna cause me to lose everything i have so i have to stay away!!!I need to learn new ways to deal with my feelings vesides running away..thats just my story...I wish you all the best...

[Solace]

Thanks, I will be around for a while, but at the moment I need to think!

Solace