rockstar30

Hi, I'm a 24 year old college student studying biochemical engineering with a great future ahead of me and so many people banking on me. I have gotten addicted to oxycodone pills for the past few years and use them iv. It all started out of dumb curiosity and I am they type of person who tries everything and always goes all or nothing with stuff (partly probably an ego thing). I have been reading threads recently because I want to stop this cycle and be the old person I once was again and give my family and girlfriend the person they deserve. So I'm on day 1 no Roxy's today. I have in my posessi . 2 8mg sub strips which I used 1 today as an inducting dose so have one left. I plan to taper down by ripping the last strip into 8 1mg pieces and dosing one a day to prevent withdrawals. My habit was heavy and the last few weeks I was shooting 300-450mg a day, something that has taxed my pockets heavily. Another co plication to add to my situation is that somehow today my brother found out about my use when he saw a needle cap on the floor and we got into a huge fight. My family has been through this with me before and each time I get better then secretly go back to using behind their back. He is sick and tired of this because I use my parents money which is in part his money as well and the fight got physical. I left the situation so it wouldn't escalate, but he is severely hurt and infuriated and doesn't want to talk to me. My father is in India right now and I'm scared that my brother will tell him and then I will be left to the streets, any dad has told me serveral times before that this will be the case if it happens again. I'm very scared right now, of both my fathers reaction, my brothers reaction, and withdrawal. I fear I'm going to lose everything I've worked so hard in my life to get over these stupid pills which don't even get me high. I hate them and I hate that I ever did them. I need some words to focus my mind and calm me down, I feel very anxieties out and scared and restless. I'm a big worry wart and get very deeply afraid of situations before they even happen. What should I prepare for? Should I prepare to be kicked out? Does anyone know what I should do? Please help me!

doggonecarl

You are seeking motivation to quit? Re-read your post. Look at all that drugs have robbed from you. Isn't that motivation enough? Probably not, as you addiction has it's hooks in you deep.

But quit you must, motivated or not. Seek out some face-to-face support, say in the form of NA. People who have gotten through addiction can guide you out.

TiredEnough

At that dose, I would be suprised if 1mg a day held you out of wds. I no sub cheerleader but finding a doc to perhaps give you more might be the better way. Or, you can buckle down and bang out the few days of wds. Personally, I think that way is best.

rockstar30

I'm on say 2 now. The sub really isn't curbing withdrawals. I'm anxious as hell thinking of the future and possibly being homeless. I'm trying to keep food down but its hard. And taking some vitamins. Muscle pain is very high Advil cannot stop it. I feel a lot of fear when it comes to talking to family that must happen soon. My brother is still not talking to me and my father hasn't called but I don't know if my bro told him or not yet. My dad is in india. I'm so lost feeling. I woke up feeling like a dreamlike state. A nightmare at that. Everything seems hazy and delusional. I almost feel as if I'm out of my body. Anybody experience this?_ sweating a lot. Not much diarreah but I attribute that to immodium probably. Just heart racing out of my chest feeling and restless legs badly. I don't know if I can sleep at all today. How does excersize help? I have a 30 lb dbell and the floor and exercise suggestion? God this sucks. And this isn't my first time around either. I feel so guilty and selfish for this. Like I'm not worthy of my family. I hate this guilt feeling. Withdrawal would be so much easier if I didn't feel this because it intensifies my anxiety.

rockstar30

Also, I love in a very middle of nowhere redneck town in Alabama. There is no na or aa here or near here for many miles. I don't have access to a car because my brother took all my keys and wallet and everything. I'm reduced to just my body and some vitamins in my pocket. And a dumbell and a floor and 7mg of sub left. I may take another mg to get rid of this anxiety.

gnarlyboots

Hey rockstar,

Why don't you make the most of the universities counseling services to help guide you in the right direction?

You want motivation to quit? From here it looks like you've blown your money, relationships and if you keep it up, you'll blow your future as a biochemical engineer is you don't put it down.

You have two choices, roxy or everything else (money, friends, family, a LIFE). They can't coexist for too long.

Life clean and sober is a much better trip, than what will become a monotonous haze of blurred time and hazy memories. Using life gets worse & worse, get out now bro.

TiredEnough

Every minute you face wds brings you one minute closer to fixing your life and gaining back your family's respect. You are going forward and in the right direction right now. Take hope from that.

rockstar30

Sorry I keep posting but I need to get this out. I have a very strong doubt that my brother told my girlfriend of 5 years about this and she's been through this before with me. I have made so many promises to her that I won't do it again but alas I have lied and don't it behind her back for years. She is so innocent and loves me so much and I can't stand to see her hurt through this. I think he told her and it must have broken her heart severely. She's not answering me or anything and its driving me crazy. I'm in so much anxiety and fear thinking about this. I want to let it go and focus on my recovery but its just so much to take right now. Its such an intense emotional rollercoaster with these things but some things are never the same again. Like if I lose her I won't be the same. I love her I really do but my addiction has distanced us for good it seems. Itay seem like I'm jumping to conclusions, but in my heart of hearts, I know if he did tell her, then she's gone forever...I'm in tears thinking of this inside but I have to put a straight face on and run the family business like I am right Now smiling fake on a gas station register.

rockstar30

Thank you guys so much! Gnarley, I know I must stop this. Its the only way to have the things I really want in life. I know this and I've lived clean for a year before my last binge. Why is the question. I enjoyed life so much sober yet I did it again. Why would I do that knowing what it entails? So much regret....just sooo much regret and pain for this. Hindsight is 20/20 but I wish it never was to begin with. I should have know better. Now I'll beat myself up forever thinking about it. And tired, I know what you mean, and to me withdrawal isn't as painful as the emotional collapse from using. I know I can tough it out for a month and get better. And I know that withdrawal isn't a couple days like most sources quote. It is more like a month total for physical. This i s probably the 4th time I've been through this but this time I have so much more to lose. Its not high school or freshman in college withdrawal anymore. This is you are engaged, about to graduate, have my family's last chance on the line and I blew it. The crash emotionally and relationship wise is so much worse than the momentary withdrawal. It cuts the heart so deep. I can't get my mind together and stop crying inside like my heart is gonna stop. I wish somehow I could go through with rapid detox and just be knocked out for a week and detoxed but I know that can't happen. Also I hear exercise helps a lot but I have only pushups and curls to do. Will that be enough?

Marcus

Regardless of what your Dad or girlfriend know or do not know that does not change ANYTHING. You are addicted to Oxy's and need to get clean and IF they do know you getting clean now is a much better thing than you falling deeper and deeper into to the abyss. Either way you must do this for yourself. Do you really want to be this person?

rockstar30

No, I don't want to be this person. I hate this thing I have become. A monster who is selfish and looks out for only his next high. I want to be a caring person who people around him cherish and are proud to be with. God help me please! I want to get clean and stay clean this time. I'm just so scared about what to do about my dad and gf. Its gonna hurt sooo badly.

EyesOfAStranger

Hey Rockstar,
I'm so happy and sad reading your posts. First of all, post away - no need to apologize. For me, I found it helped tons to just pour out all I was feeling in to words.

When I quit this past July, I was at about the same dosage as you were - though I snorted, not IV - probably only because I didn't know how. I am thankful no one ever showed me...because I know myself and I would be right there with you. I also had anxiety through the roof....the physical withdrawal sucked, but the emotional stuff was so so hard. Still is five months down the road to be honest. I was able to quit without face to face support....but I realize now that it's something I need and am planning to meet with a therapist. Just saying it is possible to quit without - as I did it, but I do believe it's a big part of recovery and something I was missing from my plan.

The part that makes me happy is how young you are. 24 and everything ahead of you. Please please, do not be me - 41 and wondering where the last 20 years of my life went. It's horrible. You have the chance to stop this now...to pick yourself back up and live the life you dream of. And you can't if you keep on the pills. I know the money you must be spending, because I was there. I cringed to think how much money I have blown over the years.

As far as the worry about your family, your girlfriend.....at this point your actions will speak louder than words. Try to put the worry aside for now, as hard as that is, and focus on yourself. I know how hard this is. I know how easy it is to go back - even though you know better and still do it. I've been there over and over. And like you said, not even getting a high anymore. Just chasing....chasing.

You can do this. You really can. Your story really touched me. Please, keep posting, keep writing. Keep fighting. We all know and understand what you are going through. I don't know if we use because we feel worthless or feel worthless because we use. What is important is to stop the cycle and get your life back.

I'm really pulling for you

EyesOfAStranger

double post

rockstar30

Stranger, thank you so much it helps to know someone else has been through this high dosage withdrawal. It didn't start like this. It started with 1 30mg a day (I have a naturally very high tolerance). I maintained for so long but the past year and especially last two months was a very quick downspiral. I was as you say chasing just the opiate rush. No high at all not even a nod at 300mg. I'm so sick and tired of this chasing. And I know I felt worthless in both before I used and afte . There would be so many times as I went to cop my mind would say why are u doing this just stop just turn around and go through the withdrawal its inevitable. Then right after I used I would go through a session of mentally loathing myself and haying myself for this. It was just fear of withdrawing. The discomfort. The inability to go to work that made me say just one more time. But here I am at work and withdrawing and on top of that everyone knows about me. And the emotional wreck is so unbearable. Withdrawal is cake compared to this. It helps sooo much to talk on this thread and hear the voices of others on the same path or others who have lived through this. My niggest problem is this, how to stay clean after these weeks of acute withdrawal. I've made it as far as a year but then some stupidity led me to say why not. How to stop this falling for my own devils? Is it OK also to use this thread as a journal and post my day to day withdrawal experience and thoughts or is that to be done on another part of the site? Regardless I will post my experience starting here.

rockstar30

So today is day 2. Day 1 was terrible. I wasn't using to start the day and was trying to find a sub doctor to see. All this collapsed when my brother barged in to my family gas station with a syringe cap and used qtip. He immidiately began yelling and asking me questions and went into a rage. We got into it physically because he started trying to punch me for "destroying everything and all the trust I have gained all these years" I'm a liar a cheater and I'm stealing from my own family....the works. I spent day 1 just crying and clutching my bloody face and thinking about how stupid and worthless I had become. I'm 24, have no degree, almost have a degree and a real job but in reality I have nothing to show for years in college. I was so scared and the true withdrawal hit me then. Anxiety, cold hot flashes, tremmors, restless legs. I wanted to sleep so badly but my brother took my car keys my house keys and my wallet and I was forced yo sit in a chair for 8 hours til he closed the store and worked his shift. We didn't talk all day. I did manage to hide the two sub strips from him that day and I attempted to induct them at the lowest possible dose but ended up taking the whole strip because I really couldn't focus on trying to see what dose was minimal. I went home with him not saying a word and immidiately fell into a deep sleep and woke up today at day 2.

liv1ce

I too have been down the road you are on. I tried to post twice this morning but for some reason they just went into the big black hole of the internet.

I basically can summarize what I have to say by referring back to Marcus. NONE of what you are fussing about has any real weight to alter what you have to do. What is done is done no matter who told what to who and the reality is that it is all true and it is what you did.

We all have paid a price for our actions. Many of us have hit the bottom before we finally climbed out. You may very well have to fall into the hole you have dug rather than teetering on the edge. Again NONE OF IT MATTERS as you still must free yourself from the addiction in order to move forward. If you have damaged some relationships then so be it. Fix yourself and then either restore them with your actions or move on. No matter what the relationships you describe have all been built on lies. Lies you perpetrated and lies you told. So can they be fixed or are they built on a foundation of shiit.

All of us writing to you and most of those reading have gone through withdrawal and come out the other side. Many more are reading that you are on day 2 and wish they were as lucky as you.

Get through it as you know you can and then look back at how good you feel for getting there. Everything you describe is just withdrawal. Restless legs, anxiety, fussy thinking, screwy thinking, shakes, nausea, chills, runny nose and the real fun of uncontrolled insomnia. The last was the worst for me and lasted 3 months. Imagine 3 months with almost NO sleep. Screwy thinking? You bet!

For me it is now 4,5 or 6 months I don't even know. But that part is over and I have my life back in the rebuilt form. My wife stood by me when I became honest with her and has been all the strength I needed. Anyone else that is no longer there probably would have left anyway either because of what I did or they just weren't the people I thought they were or needed to live a life free of degraded drug addicts.

Just suck it up and do it. It is temporary and then you will have to figure out how to live your new life free of drugs and alcohol or mind altering substances of ANY KIND because that is the only way.

rockstar30

So day 2 began with me waking up sore and stiff as hell. Every muscle in my body especially my legs and back were stiff like I had never moved them in days. I was drenched in sweat and tears and my face was still bloody. I rolled put of bed in my pathetic state and tried to stand but collapse in delerium. Everything was spinning, hazy, and almost seemed like an LSD trip without the euphoria. I went to smoke a CIG and I smoked it so fast that I actually got a huge buzz from it to the point where I thought I was going to collapse so I sat down. I felt and still feel so weak muscularly. I can barely do anything. I remembered I hadn't eaten anything on day 1 at all and knew I had to. So I ate a jumbo honey bun and a handful of vitamins including calcium magnesium 5htp niacin vitamin a and took ibuprofen and immodium with a half liter of water. I took 2.5mg of sub and took a shower and emerged feeling substantially better probably due to the sub and the hoy water. Amazingly I am still constipated and no diarreah has happened again probably due to sub and immodium. I took time to do 3 sets of 30 pushups and walked a quarter mile to work. My brother was there still not talking. The anxiety of my gf and dad findibg out hit me then. My heart racing and my mind unable to focus and I was almost at tears but controlled myself bwcuse I have customers who may freak out if they see m like that. So I've been here at work still in fear and anxious as to what is gonna happen. My withdrawal is reduced to just anxiety muscle soreness and restless legs along with cold hot flashes and a lot of sweating. I'm waiting for the day to end and maybe confront my brother and talk with him? Is this a good idea? If so what should I say or ask? I tried asking him if my gf knows earlier but he just ignored me made a weird face that I assumed to be "yes I told her" but again I'm just assuming the worst because I'm naturally paranoid like that. Also, do you guys think I'm taking too Much sub or is it adequate because its killing a lot of the major withdrawal symptoms like diarreah and insomnia but I still have minor ones like sweats anxiety and hot flashes. If I'm still going through some withdrawal but not all of it does that mean if I continue dosing sub that when I run out in two days I will be in a less withdrawal state? I know I'm not taking enough sub and won't be taking it long enough to withdraw from it but I want to minimize my withdrawal length and intensity from oxy as much as I can. The dose I'm at now is merely making it bearable, not really making me high or feel completely normal. I'm very determined to stop and be clean and really focus OK being clean this time. This is the first time I've had the help of a website and other people to hear from and lean OK in a mental way to help me. I would go to na or as but its just not possible and I'm gonna use this site as my support group. I am very determined and very much done with the old me but I'm just scared at the relationship I've destroyed and the reprucussions I must go through.

rockstar30

Liv1ce, thank you so much for the words. Hearing all this really and truly is keeping me strong. Hearing from you guys who have been down this road really adds to the motivational strength I have right now. What u said about the other stuff not really mattering really hit home. I understand now that it truly is the truth and if my brother told them then they deserve the truth. I can only pray that they stand beside me but that is a high hope right now. All I can do is let what happens happen and try to repair things with actions. I don't think anything less will suffice. I can win her back if I just don't go back to this. And that is what I want. My family my girl and my life. As far as friends, **** them. They are all users and won't care once I stop for me. Some friends really are true friends but they drink and smoke pot a lot and o don't think I can be around them anymore. That's how I relapsed actually. I was completely clean and then I was with my friends who smoke pot and drink and said why not I'll just smoke a joint. And that led to another and another and then straight to mainling Roxy. I think u are right. I can never enjoy a beer with people and control myself.I can never be that "normal" social drinker or pot user. And there is no such thing as normal non addict pill users (unless they are pain patients, not recreational users). I have to really embrace that and see that life without things to get ****** up on is a beautiful life. It is filled with everything I want and love and light. I'm so sick of this darkness and deciet it has done nothing but bring me to my weakest point and lying to the ones I love. That hurts so much to realize I've led the people I love and love me into a false impression of me. They trusted me, gave me their hearts and here I am lying and using and abusing myself and taking from their hard work. Boy am I just a low person. But I can rebound. I am focused on my sobriety. I just hope the sub isn't giving me this false sense of security. I will be off it in two days and I'm taking low doses, not trying to chase it. I feel like I do truly need some of it to be OK to work and plus the thought of just straight dropping from that high dasage is very very frightening. I know people much stronger than me have done it and I do believe I could but not in the circumstances presented right now. I'm honestly grateful to god that it only went this far. That the only thing I lost was money, maybe two weeks of comfort, and possibly my girlfriend hating me and leaving me. I could be dead or in prison which would entail a whole truckload of problems.

liv1ce

Today must be day 3 if you made it. Reading your last post refreshed so many things in my mind. The self hatred shows in your words. I have spent many days, nights, weeks, months and years hating myself and thrashing myself for all the despicable things that I have done relative to getting high.

I too have been to that emotional low that is part of looking in the mirror and seeing who and what you have become in pursuing what is such a brief period of euphoria that wears off so quickly. And once it wears off then pursuing the "fulfillment" of yet another high that isn't quite as good as that first one of the day but maybe the next one or maybe if I took a bit more.........

You will do ANYTHING to get more and will do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to keep from running out because the oh so dreaded withdrawal will come and get you.

Well here it is. Again it will not kill you or cripple you or result in loss of limb. But it isn't fun.

In the end there is nothing to be gained in self hatred but it is part of it. After all who else is there to blame for exactly where and who you are at this moment? So it is natural to turn inward but eventually you must and will get through these early days and then you can turn to feeling good for what you are doing.

Don't let your fears of what others are thinking alter your course. You are going to rebuild yourself in a fashion for which you can be proud and for which you can feel good.

When that part is done then you must face the rest of your young life being sober and that my friend, is a challenge that makes a little withdrawal look easy.

rockstar30

Day 3. Here I am, day 3 good morning. I woke up in sweat like the days before. I got about 4 hours of good sleep which I attribute to Advil pm and the dose of sub I took yesterday (2 mg). I immediately dropped and did 30 pushups until the muscles in my chest seared in pain. I'm attempting to do 150 pushups a day in increments of 30 as a workout regimen to improve endorphin influx (here's the biochemist speaking haha). I had no bowel movement because I'm still constipated from immodium and sub I believe and also did not eat much yesterday besides q honeybun and two jalepeno mcdoubles (trying to boost endorphins with spicy food as well). I took a quick warm shower and dressed up nice to improve my self esteem so at least the outside world won't see my physical state through wearing raggedy comfy garbs. I took a 1.5mg dose of sub and unfortunately somehow I lost all but 2mg that is left in my pack. It must have fallen out somewhere but oh well, so I'm left with 2 mg for the remainder of this which I believe is enough. Like I stated before the sub does help dramatically with this situation but some withdrawal is still breaking through the sub which I believe is helpful, and I'm maintaining taking only as much as needed, not chasing the sub high. I have made a decision, I do not want to be high I don't want anything in my life that will make me who I was, a monster, a cheat, and a liar to those I love. I want to add a note about last night. I spoke with my gf and thank god my brother didn't tell her what happened. Instead of lying and telling her all is fine, I went through with it and told her MOSTLY what happened. I didn't let her know that I was iv using and didn't tell her it was roxycodone at the dose I was taking. I did tell her I took pills lately and that my brother found out and that was why I hadn't called her in a long time. She took is OK, cried a lot and was angry and told me that she can't go through this with me so many times but that she loved me and that she would support me through this and that I needed to be happy and strong and clean for her to be the same because she draws energy from me and love from me because she loves me. WOW. This woman is so amazing and I love her. How could I ever do this to her again?! I won't! I will never again sacrifice this beautiful thing I have with her and it is such a relief to have told her and such a relief that she understands. As far as my dad, he called me as well and my brother hadn't told him either. He just asked how the business was going and I told him everything was well and that my grades were 4 As and 1B (I usually get all As but this semester in engineering was exceptionally hard). He was so proud of me and said "oh my son I love you and you make me so happy, and as I always tell you do the right thing, stay away from bad things and be positive!" This nearly broke me to tears as I know he banks on me graduating so he can retire and he always tells other people that I am gonna be his retirement check and he is so proud of being my father....little does he know how much I haven't been that ideal son lately. But I didn't tell my dad anything. I can't because he will near have a heart attack and will ruin his India trip if I do. I talked to my brother finally last night as well. He told me how diasapointed he was because he works day and night to progress and save money and all he has to show for it is a brother who "wants to shoot Roxy's". He called me the same degenerates that come to the store, but at least they are better than you because you are such a heavy user. He also said I put him in an awkward spot because he doesn't want to tell my dad but he wants to at the same time he wants to. He doesn't deserve this from me. I had no words for him besides that I don't want to say sorry or make excuses because all that doesn't matter anymore. I've said sorry enough, this is not the first time. I told him all I can do is move forward and show him my change through action. Regardless, my brother obviously is still very angry and doesn't seem like he's gonna be extremely supportive of anything. Its like he knows he's stuck with me and has no faith in me anymore because I'm older than him and my life is so way off track. Moving on, so I'm here at work right now feeling alright and drinking coffee. I have a bog meeting with the CEO of jet pep who is the gas company we run gas stations for and we are their number one operators so we are going to a Christmas party (my brother and I). I look skeletal, my head is scabbed up with cuts and bruises from the fight me and my brother had, and I feel weak now on day 3, but I made it this far! No matter what i do not want to pick up and use again! Do I have cravings, I won't lie yes I do and this morning all I could think of was that damned pill and needles. But I stoppedy rhoguhts as the came. I changed my mind frame as it came up. I have a choice today to quit using and live in TODAY. TODAY is all I'm promised not tommorow, and the past is gone to the books. I have to just keep on doing what I do to get what I get. Don't use and I have another sober day. I'm happy to be here and it sucks, but being out there sucks even more. I'll post later with the end of day 3 and keep u guys updated! Thanks so much!