supernaught16

We've been together for a long time. She is my soul mate and my other half. We were inseparable. However, we were drinking daily, smoking weed everyday, she was a recovered coke addict of five years and then clean off meth (a seperate run) for another five. So basically, she quit coke to do meth then was clean off of meth for five years. We met. Then we had a alcohol and weed fueled relationship and that was history.

I got clean 10 months ago, she said she would too and do what I'm doing now, take time for myself to recover, look into school and career options, find new hobbies beside that life and learning how to cope with personal problems that I was medicating myself to mask.

Well, apparently I became uninteresting, I did move forward pretty good, god a car finally, worked, got my own place, stuff like this.... She went the other way, not only did she not get clean... She went back to her old friends and started doing meth again.

So it was hard but eventually the decision was easy to make, I made her leave.

I mean I had to. One time she was so spun out screaming she got the cops called and got me involved in stupid legal matters I really should have nothing to do with.

Anyways. Now she is back with her old friends, banging this circle of dudes, like, all three of them just getting passed around, doing dope.

It's a really hard feeling. Knowing a woman, a wife.... Turning out like this.

It is so hard for me to settle with.

I don't love who she is now. I loved who she was in this brief period where she was in recovery.

I don't even ******* know man.

I have nothing to say.

Nothing I can do.

I'm just built up and powerless and it hurts tremendously that she is being used, selling her ass and doing meth.

**** man. I let her go over night and spoke to her again.

I don't know how to deal with this feeling or emotion.

I'm clean and I'm doing better without her.

I guess I just had to vent.

I can't go up to anyone else and say this because I'm the only one that had alcohol and drug problems in my family so it's easy for them to understand that it's VERY toxic. I can't really say it to any good friends because I am still in the process of making new friends after I left her a month ago.

Yes. I left her a month ago and I held on tight on this roller coaster ride for nine months.

I put myself in a situation of a drug addict/ alcoholic using in my presence for nine months and stayed clean.

I'm a sick **** now that I look back at that.

Now that I am not around that (only one month) life is changing but I'm still not happy, I am depressed over how the whole thing turned out but I do know something good did happen.

someone just talk to me and be gentle.

thanks.

Dee74

Hi and welcome supernaught

I really doubt anyone's gonna smack you around here - it sounds like it's been a very painful decision and process.

You will find support advice and encouragement here tho so vent away. I'm glad you found us

D

finaltime

can you get to an alanon meeting? Might help to share your story. You are right, you are powerless over her. To be honest you will be better off in the long run, just hard to swallow now. Hang in there, things will get better. You are doing good.

supernaught16

God thank you so much. I tried talking to my step dad about this. He is a computer scientist with a PhD in computer science. The dude is a ******* computer. Has no ******* feelings or any ******* nerves.

When I discussed this with him before I left her. He said, "You're weak."

No ******* **** what the **** you think I take pain killers for and down it with a bottle jack ass


I tried talking to old friends about this, sheeit. They said treat her like a business and keep my eye on the "bottom line" basically telling me to make money selling her ass or else her old friends are.

Before I left her, I was broke as hell. I just moved into a place and Im just trying to pull myself together. Its been a roller coaster ride. And before I let her go she said she said, "You know I would do anything for you, right?" Refering to me selling her.

I just cant take this **** anymore.

Im not a pimp and shes not a wh0re. We are both very valuable and better than that.

I just can't believe what has happened to my life.

She was pregnant with my kid (maybe) too.

Like **** it's hard to get myself out of bed and then it's hard to sleep at night.

When I do sleep I'm used to her being in bed with me too and have dreams of us like I always did. Then I wake up and it's another day sober for me and I realize she is god who ******* knows and I wonder what she is doing and what she is on.

And most importantly I wonder when she is going to stop lying to herself.

I care about her.

I don't want her lying to herself and degrading herself. If you knew her, she has amazing qualities and probably the strongest person I met however, her addiction is stronger.

It ******* sucks.

Be gentle.

supernaught16

I'm sorry it's just rough. Our anniversary of when we first met was a week ago... Our actual anniversary is in a month. Then the holidays we spent together.

I can't even imagine what New Years is gonna be like after having wonderful New Years together. My birthday is right there with Valentines Day and knowing she is gonna be with someone else on this day that I pretty much own and I'm gonna be alone makes me wanna rip my heart out of my chest and stomp on it.

This experience of loss makes me never want to use anything ever again though.

I can't believe this ****. Just for a little high. I'm not used to being on this end of the stick. I'm used to being the one using people and not caring. Now that I'm on the otherside **** is so ******* dramatic and I just cant ******* take this **** anymore.

I will never get high or drunk again. Now that I know how I made the ones I love and the ones who loved me feel.

This is it.

This is how I made them feel. I can't believe it.

I wanna jump in an endless black hole and just fall forever in a long dark tunnel and just be brain dumb/ brain dead I ******* hate it

Dee74

Pain grief and anger take time to work through. I've been convinced I'll never be happy again, always be alone...somehow it never works out like that. Things always seem to get better

You've made a decision - a tough one and a hard one - but a healthy one for you.
Stay committed to healthy decisions and you're gonna be ok supernaught

D

supernaught16

I have a lot to vent. I went to rehab and the thought of being away for six months with no plan when I got out and being in this domestic partnership made no sense. So I ran away from rehab which was four hours away. Came back to where we live with no money. I was homeless through the winter... All because I wanted my life back just without the drugs and alcohol.

Well, she had no appreciation toward my sobriety and the couragious act I did to come back to my pregnant woman and had no appreciation for what I went through and ended up in the long run, staying sober and taking these small steps toward recovery.

****. I feel proud though.

I think I did a good job.

supernaught16

Just my luck. You're avatar, the words and praying hand.... That's her tattoo.

Told you she's my soul mate she just wont leave. That's seriously her exact tat right there *face palm*

fml

Dee74

The let go and let god thing is a a pretty common thing in recovery circles - I wouldn't go reading destiny or anything into it

As for soul mates - I've learned, and I hope it doesn't sound harsh...but if you have to change who you are to be with them, they're not your soul mate.

D

Chasingthedream

Hi Supernaught. Welcome, you will find much support here.

Wow- Such a sad story- my heart goes out to you.

It is amazing that you managed to stay clean whilst your wife was using, you should be very proud of that. Now you have made the only decision you could- to ask her to leave.
You cannot jeopardise your life and your sobriety.

I am shocked that you 'friends' told you to pimp your wife out? Are they really friends- or old using buddies?

Your wife has to tread her own path now, and hopefully she will soon wake up and realise this is no life she is leading, and that she too must get clean. And maybe when that happens, you can be there for her.

Stay strong, keep posting when you need to.

liv1ce

Move on. Find your own path. Sticking to her will only get you back where you were before. You have done too well under dire circumstances to lose it. There are no soul mates just people we care specially about. That person by your own analysis is gone. Waiting for her will destroy you.

Find happy life.

Obviously your step dad knows nothing of addiction. You are not weak but you are strong to do what you have done.

FeelingGreat

supernaught, first of all it's to your credit that you got clean and stayed that way even when others were using around you. Obviously your wife wasn't ready, but you definitely were.

As Dee said, it's going to take some time. You're in mourning for the death of your relationship, and you don't have substances to block the pain. Everything's raw. Al-anon or Nar-anon is a great idea, or some other sort of support.

Keep moving on and away. What's the alternative? You can't go back to the old life because you're worth more than that.

supernaught16

There is not going back. This last run was my last run. If I go back my truth is there will be no getting clean again it will be death. So that's not an option.

It's just been a rough year. The year started and I was sober. My AA sponsor relapsed and killed himself. Two people I graduated rehab with killed themselves, I kicked everything and I have been drinking and smoking weed for more than half my life so that's gone, my ex relapsed on that go fast, had an abortion, we had a miscariage, I was homeless and froze my ass off half the year and then I lost her. Youre right, there are no soul mates. It just felt that as she was my neighbor at my parents house so we had history before we got together.

Everything is thrown out the window and I'm so raw right now.

A whole new begining with nothing. The only thing I have to build up on is my talents.

This is a good thing. I can see the good. I am in a situation where me and my life is so raw and having nothing it's like, I need to work on myself from the inside out.

I really have no friends. They all killed themselves or went off using meth and I pushed my family away on my last run.

There is one person who hits me up everyday and he genuinly asks how Im doing, kinda breaking the ice and then asks for a connect. lol

I'll look into nar-anon. I think that would be suitable as I have no idea about this ****. I know nothing about it and I think that would be good. I am also going to look into health/ psychiatric services. I have some **** going on upstairs.

I am an artist I can escape through that.

supernaught16

"They weren't exactly friends. They were low life undercover meth heads that lived in my old neighborhood that were getting by by mooching off women and living in a womans house who was working while doing "online classes" and "taking time to get their life together." You know the drill... **** that alcoholics and tweakers do. Even if that never happened. She listened to pimp rap music where the pimp rapper would rap, "She swore she would do, anythang for me." and then she had made that offer to me. You know, another thing that hurts me is... I'm not saying this for an ego boost or dig a deeper pit for myself but.... Another thing that hurts me is... I really was the best thing to ever happen to her. I really was. I never cheated on her. I was very patient with her. There were times when I know for sure she cheated on me but I cared about her.. A lot and things I put up with with her, the patience I had with her and just my life style was the best thing she ever came across. I mean... We went to a pet store and there was a cat there that she fell in love with but they wouldn't let it go... That's how cute this little kitten was and I promised her I would get it for her. One day I surprised her out of the blue... I managed to be able to get the cat. The things I would do for her were just so innocent and I can't help but to think to myself if she thinks or realizes how good she had it and how good of a man I was to her.

Her ex bf beat the **** out her and left her on the side of the freeway in another city where she had to go to the emergency room for a couple of days. Her other ex burned her hair and lit it on fire and did something to where her hair won't even grow anymore....

And these are the people she left me to go back to.

It kills me man. It does.

And here I am being patient with her while she's using and cheating on me just because I care about her enough to help her and be a good influence.

******* peoples addictions.

I don't know if she knows right or wrong or pain from pleasure.

****. Other things **** me off... We ****** on the beach once and she said I was the first person she did that with. Then when she was all drunk she told me when she was in Hawaii some dude banged the **** out of her like a machine with a big ass dick and ****.

She told me the first time doing something else. Now that I look back at it. I remember being there getting drunk and she was banging someone else (this was b4 we met or knew each other but, again, the lies). Like ******* ****.

She didn't like me going to my sisters house... Well now that were not together and Im spending time with my sister I found out this dude she was cheating on me with was my sisters friend and he goes over there and hangs out. This dude is also my Exes meth and weed connect and drinking buddy.... And Sancho.

And small ******* world. This dude was my room mates boyfriend and I paid 1/2 the rent and this dude thats banging my girl lived in my house for free in the past.

Im so ******* tired bro.

supernaught16

I've never felt hate for anyone like this in my life. I remember in church once, they said the word hate is used when you wish the person was dead or didn't exist. Thats it for me. I never had this feeling before. I wish this whole lie and manipulation and bitch **** never existed. Its like...She lives with her parents now. Her parents told me they were happy for us and stuff and told me they were getting old and they need to retire and be put in a home soon basically and move out of their apartment. And it's like. What's she going to do? The party can't go on forever. It didn't for me at least. What's she going to do? Go get with a drug dealer? Get high off his **** for free until he see's that she's blowing through his whole supply and wrecking his business? And if he cuts her off then she goes in a fury screaming till the cops get called or she robs him?

Then on to the next one?

How can someone throw themselves away like this?

I really had no business dating her. I mean. I have a strong feeling she sold her ass before. She has two DUI's so clearly she doesn't learn. She got caught stealing from Macys and told me she was going to court for smoking weed.

Like I had no ******* business ever being with her in the first place. She is trouble and doesn't learn.

But again. I was the same way and I had changed so much because people never gave up on me and I had influences and I just wanted to pass the gift on to my friend and give her a second chance like people gave me.

That's it.

ps)I never done coke or meth (I put coke in a joint and smoked it twice) but other than that I never snorted anything, I never even seen meth. so i have no idea about the psychological fiending and the obsession of the mind to get that feeling again. I know how the obsession of the mind and fiending for my next drink is.... but I have no idea about meth or the cravings or what people would do for it or if they would risk losing their family for it (by justifying it somehow in their head)... no ******* clue. so im pretty confused about all of this.

thats another thing that makes me wonder if she knows right from wrong, if she knows that pain is not pleasure or if she even comprehends how good of a man and influence I was on her.

thanks for letting me get this all out too by the way.

my mom, sister, nobody wants to hear it as they told me to leave her the first day I introduced her to my family a looooooong time ago.

so again, thank you.

Chasingthedream

We are all happy to listen here.

My concern is that you sound really angry. I mean REALLY angry. If you let that fester, is it going to do YOU damage?-

Have you got some place for that anger to go? Do you exercise or anything? Or do anything to let it out?

supernaught16

Im ******* pissed. Ive been lied to for two straight ******* years. The women I "committed my life with" as they say turned into a total fraud and the life I was living she set up with like three or four other men.

Im ******* pissed. I feel like ****. I just can't believe such human being was in my ******* life and I fell for it.

To say I sound angry is a huge understatement.

Yea... I mean. Excercise has been a huge part of my life. Out of everyone I know and knew my whole life I'm probably the most physically fit. 6:00 minute mile. six pack. Eight pack if I wanted. Toned as hell. I excercise. Since this break up I haven't though.

I haven't done anything. I can't even eat.

Relapsing is the last ******* thing on my mind.

I'm actually so angry I'm scared what I would do if I drank again holy ****.

supernaught16

And to answer your question. Yes. All of this **** built up inside of me is gonna cause me damage.

TiredEnough

Super, I personally think you are better than all this. You need to get the h@ll away from that situation.

supernaught16

How am I supposed to feel? After I put my trust in someone and got to know their family and it turns out their "cousin" she goes to shooting ranges and concerts with is really some dude she's been banging the whole time?

Am I supposed to not be angry that Ive been lied to and met fake family members and shes been ******* this dude for all these ******* years and going out with him while Ive been the most loyal person anyone could ever ask for?

**** it. At least it brought me sobriety. If all this madness wasn't driven by substance and sex I probably wouldnt have the hatred toward substances I have now.