biminiblue

I think you have to make an attempt to get out of yourself right now. All this ruminating is not good for you.

Can you go to an animal shelter or a food bank or something and volunteer to help someone/something outside of yourself?

All this time inside your pain is not good for you, friend.

Shining~Again

yep
I can really relate to the anger part of this thread. Along with many of the emotions other than anger.

I eventually found a shrink to sit and listen. Now, 4 years after the death
of my beloved whacked out partner, I just burned the ears off our only proper shrink in the county (psychiatrist).

As the F-words flew today, I realize I definitely am still having issues.
But talking to my weekly therapist (who I haven't seen in a month) helps.
A LOT.

Maybe that is a possibly?
A therapist? Of course...here is good too. I personally applaud you
for being able to feel safe enough here to write this out.
It should help.

Edit --AS USUAL.
I quoted the "it'll do me damage". I have blood pressure problems out the ying/yang.
Anxiety that borders on rage(at myself)...am judgmental, apathetic, sleep problems...etc.
Yes, this anger and stuff will damage you eventually. I always wish for others to figure out
a easier way of handling trauma/drama, abuse, pain;physically/emotionally than how I have.

TiredEnough

I think you are supposed to feel pissed off and determined to rid yourself of this anchor around your neck. You can do a ton better.

supernaught16

I gotta vent I cant keep this in me.

Like, looking back... I feel like ******* **** I should have gotten sober and left this drug and alcohol fueled relationship when....

She told me she was at Subway eating a footlong... Came 2 hours late to meeting me because she said she was eating a foot long at subway with her mom and then when she met me with a bag said she got done at her cousins house...

Well being that her "cousin" turned out to be some dude (that I earlier pretty much live at my house by mere coincedence ex roomates bf who is a bum) that she was banging and sucking him off for free weed bc he grows.

Yea... That was not the type of foot long I thought she was eating.

This **** pisses me off..... Im furious and raging. All these years of all these lies just unraveling at once.... I just dont know why someone would lie to someone like that. She coulda just told me. Hey, listen, Im a hoe, Ill make a great booty call bc thats what I am to everybody else.... Except they pay me and you dont have to.

That would have been fine. But the pregnancies, getting my name tatted, the wedding and sucking off and banging everyone of her "cousins" at this wedding

**** dude yea dude Im furocious.

I want this **** to pass.

I wont relapse because then Ill really lose my ****.

supernaught16

Thats a great idea.

Im gonna go volunteer at an animal shelter.

Thanks!

biminiblue

I volunteered for three years at my local shelter. I started with cats, moved to dogs, even into the wildlife side. I fostered litters of kittens, I worked with them on charity events, manned the phones.

It is a really gratifying thing to do and there is a lot of need - most shelters have a tiny paid staff but a huge volunteer staff.

I think you'll really like it. Nothing like holding a frightened kitten or puppy to make you feel all squishy.

There are nice people there, too.

FeelingGreat

Supernaught I agree with the others that you can take some steps to relieve your situation and things really will improve if you work at them:

- counselling and therapy, make that a priority.
- learn to meditate; there are usually free classes if you look for them
- find a volunteer activity of some sort. Animal shelter is perfect
- exercise; running is great. Maybe set yourself a goal like a marathon
- once you have the resources please consider moving away from your local area

lighteningbug

Protect yourself at all costs.