maryjane1

Hi All,

I would first of all like to say thanks for a wonderful forum. I hope I can use this to help record and aid my recovery... I have been reading threads over the last couple of weeks and find some truly inspirational.

I am 30 years old, engaged, a Dad of two children (3yrs and 1yr). I am a lucky guy. I am a lucky man. I have a great job and earn pretty good money. I work hard during the day and do my best as a father and partner. However, I have a dark-side, I am an addict. A cocaine addict.

Nobody knows this but me.

I have been using coke for about 5 years. I really feel that this is catching up with me now. It is starting to affect my relationships, my finances (owe about £25,000) and my health.

What I really cant stand now is the sneaking around and the deceitfulness. Not only to my loved ones, my fiance, my kids and my friends. But most of all myself. The lies I tell myself and how I can talk myself into buying another a gram and that it will always be the last. My kids deserve better and so does my fiance.

I need to action this now. It is from reading posts on this forum that led me to go to my first NA meeting the other day. I for sure will be going again and I am on day 3 of being clean. I found everyone at that meeting really great and I have not stopped going over things that were shared by others at the meeting in my mind ever since.

I am really hoping that through the NA program, and with help and guidance from others on this forum, I can make the change and get my life back. I want to be me again 24 hours a day, rediscover myself... I am better than this and have so much to look forward to in life.

Thanks for listening.

doggonecarl

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

I've battled abuse and addiction to various drugs and alcohol for almost 40 years. I've learned one thing: The next one is never the last one. We've already compromised with our addiction for one last time.

To quit, the last one--gram, drink, pill--must be the last one. Not the next one.

Good luck. May you relish the freedom of being drug free.

cleaninLI

Welcome to SR and congrats on your 3 days! You will DO this as long as you follow Carl's advice and make that LAST one be the one you took three days ago.

You are not alone....we are here with you every step of the way!

four812

One more is also a part of my dilemma. just one more 50$ bill. Then 2 hours later I'm ready to do anything to get more.

3 days is great. Hey I got 3 days too!! Were both great. The last day I used was on nov 8th.

I went to a meeting this morning and feel recharged with the desire to get,be, and stay clean.

You may have already heard the phrase that:
One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

Good luck and keep coming back !

Dee74

welcome to SR MJ1

D

gnarlyboots

Congrats on the 3 days mate, you sound like you have a healthy attitude to recovery, best of luck to you! Hope to catch you around this SR joint!

Aysha

Welcome to SR.
One more..been there all my life. History says one more is a big bs lie and only gets worse.
Im sure you heard the saying already..One is too many and a thousand is never enough.
Keep up with recovery support however you can get it. ANd most of all never give up.

maryjane1

Thanks for the kind words and support guys, much appreciated. Unfortunatley I caved in last night. I feel so stupid and weak. I know where I went wrong now though. Starting again today!

maryjane1

It really was that evil voice (AV) that kept on at me last night. I went to the gym to do a class. I hadn't been for 6 months. I thought it would take my mind of it but all I could think about for the whole 60 mins was dashing off to go and pickup. I actually was fighting it on the way to the gym but ended up going straight there, which I was pleased about. I just failed when I came out instead of going straight home! I think a few days inside the house is required, with my mobile off. Music on, headphones in, eyes shut!

RedManc7

Good luck Mary Jane, from one addict to another i know it's hard but just thinking about whether you have goals greater in life than addiction? It's not meant to be high and mighty but I'm a trying to kick heroin (bugger of a drug) and have abused coke most of my life and I'm on good ole day 2 for the umpteenth time but I keep telling myself I have more to achieve on this planet then ruining by entire life with heroin. Seems to be helping, good luck!!

maryjane1

Thanks Redmanc. I certainly do have many goals greater in life than banging crappy white powder up my nose! Need to take it one day at a time. Rome wasnt built in a day! All the best to you... stay strong matey!

liv1ce

A couple days is just enough to make you feel cocky. "Yeah, I got this. I feel better and I can see where this is going to work."

Then it comes after you but there is no "IT" because YOU are IT.

It's not THE VOICE it's YOUR voice.

As has been said so many times just take it one hour, one morning, one day all the way to the end.

If your legs get restless and your mind gets fussy and if you can't sleep it is because of what you chose to do. You have paid a hefty price to end up feeling this way. So did I. So did many if not all who are here.

Grit your teeth and get through it.

I could not do it without my spouse so you are taking a harder road than I in that fact. You are accountable only to yourself so get support through the meetings.

One thing to think about. As long as she doesn't know - and maybe she does - then you are still faking it and hiding from the truth. You are sneaking into your withdrawals and you are afraid of the shame you would feel. You are probably afraid that she will leave you or throw you out.

My wife knows and knows all of it and let me tell you there is some really shiity stuff for her to handle. She has asked me to come to her each day and look her in the eye and tell her that I haven't taken any drugs today. It makes me feel the honesty of it all and it makes her smile although I know that it still hurts her on the inside to remember all the times I lied as well as the times I went back.

Man, all the times I did such scummy, despicable things just to get high.

RedManc7

The amount of awful lies deceit and stunts I've pulled in pursuit of heroin shame me. But it's only day 3 (again) so I'll leave the dissection of that till another time. Move on and move up!

Aysha

Being uncomfortable sucks. And that's really all it is. Uncomfortable feelings and thoughts.
But we all have that with everything in life. Not just trying not to use. You feel uncomfortable in countless scenarios. How do you get through those?
Well besides giving in...how would you get past uncomfortable in another situation?
Im going to have to remember to do that myself.

maryjane1

Wow. Thanks Liv1ce. That is exactly where I want to get too. I want this to be all out in the open and for the lies to stop. Especially for my partner but also with parents. I feel I need a level of sanity before I can reveal all. She is the mother of my children and I have been living a lie for so long. By getting this out in the open I would feel so much better but also need to understand the damage this would cause. I know I need her help to...

RedManc7

It's a hard one mate, every relationship I've had I've ****** up due to drink/drugs. The pain of a broken heart led to me becoming a truly committed heroin addict - that scary moment when you realise if you don't score you are going to get really really sick - you never stop to think how did it come to this - you just focus on stopping being sick. My last relationship I ****** up as I was on smack when it started and worse when it finished. Risks I took and the hurt I caused. It's gonna be hard for your partner to take - hard to have love without trust- but if you can get straight & commit to abstinence then u have a chance. You still drinking? For me coke and booze go hand in hand, 4 drinks in, let's make a call.....have to knock that **** on the head n all. I reckon to get clean properly.

maryjane1

Thanks as well Aysha. I need put things into practice with everything I do and evaluate situations and scenarios. By thinking slowly and clearly before jumping for a rolled up note.

Day 2 for me today. Feeling good! Feeling Fresh after a good night's sleep. Clear head and ready for work!

Gonna go for a little run later after work. Get some fresh air and enjoy the natural high

maryjane1

Hey Redmanc. Well done on day 3 dude...! Yeh drink I but can take it or leave it, but yes when I do, I am the same... 3-4 pints in and that number gets called! So for me alcohol is a no go zone as well. Weed too! That was my drug of choice years ago but just have the occasional spliff now and again these days. I just moved onto the harder stuff. I used to smoke that sh*t everyday but only about once or twice a month now. So thats going too! A few weeks ago I hadnt had any coke for a couple of days so made a deliberate stop off at a mate that smokes weed. Goes to show that being an addict is not necessarily about 1 drug!

liv1ce

For me getting high is all that I wanted. It may be all that I want. Any way to get there was all that I needed. My path was weed, alcohol, opiates and progressed from one end to the other but it never mattered what the substance the path always ended in the same place - loaded to the gills, higher than a kite. Wake the next morning hating myself and vowing to never do it again - well I'll start tomorrow. I've got this shiit to do today and NEED to be high.......and on and on and on.

What an obsessive, insane way to live. And yet I lived it again and again and found endless ways to justify it, to perpetuate it and it was all bullshiit.

For this day and at this time I am clean of the stuff and life is very good.

Tiredofdrugs

MJ1: Welcome to SR!

Hang onto your clean time! It seems time drags along in the beginning, but you'll have a lot of clean time under your feet before you know it!

Best of luck to ya!

TOD