Getting sick to get well. Day one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 211
Getting sick to get well. Day one.
Geez, I gotta put the breaks on.
I have been slowly slipping back towards the needle the last few weeks. It started with drinking again to deal with anxiety, then I tore the ligaments in my ankle (legit), and got a script for codeine, next thing y'know I've scammed another script, and am eating 1500mg a day. WTF.
Next week a friend arrives with oxy & morphine to the ceiling, big weekend ensures, (can't remember a thing). I know I'm gonna get sick when I put down now. Bugger. May as well stretch this out another week on what the pills she left me.
Finish the top shelf stuff, down to morphine and tramadol, final dregs. I know the oral bio availability of morphine sucks, so I decide to hustle some double down the exchange and flip the morphine into bangable form.
So I'm cruising home, pockets filled with wares, self-dissolution on my mind, and I get a flicker of 'what the hell are you doing'. I know once the plunger pushes down and that first big one registers, I'm gonna be out the gates like a Melbourne Cup race horse.
In a moment of clarity, I manage to chuck the entire bottle of morphine tabs out the window and dump the AA in the sink and now and I'm sitting here watching the sickness creep over.
Big part of me lamenting what I just thew out and the other part, really wanting to stay clean.
Fingers crossed posting this strengthens my resolve and gives me a degree of accountability, it's just the internet, but as a friend said to me once, 'if you're not ready to quit, NOTHING will help, but when you are ready, ANYTHING will'.
I'm hoping it's one of those anything times!
I have been slowly slipping back towards the needle the last few weeks. It started with drinking again to deal with anxiety, then I tore the ligaments in my ankle (legit), and got a script for codeine, next thing y'know I've scammed another script, and am eating 1500mg a day. WTF.
Next week a friend arrives with oxy & morphine to the ceiling, big weekend ensures, (can't remember a thing). I know I'm gonna get sick when I put down now. Bugger. May as well stretch this out another week on what the pills she left me.
Finish the top shelf stuff, down to morphine and tramadol, final dregs. I know the oral bio availability of morphine sucks, so I decide to hustle some double down the exchange and flip the morphine into bangable form.
So I'm cruising home, pockets filled with wares, self-dissolution on my mind, and I get a flicker of 'what the hell are you doing'. I know once the plunger pushes down and that first big one registers, I'm gonna be out the gates like a Melbourne Cup race horse.
In a moment of clarity, I manage to chuck the entire bottle of morphine tabs out the window and dump the AA in the sink and now and I'm sitting here watching the sickness creep over.
Big part of me lamenting what I just thew out and the other part, really wanting to stay clean. Fingers crossed posting this strengthens my resolve and gives me a degree of accountability, it's just the internet, but as a friend said to me once, 'if you're not ready to quit, NOTHING will help, but when you are ready, ANYTHING will'.
I'm hoping it's one of those anything times!
Mr.MeToo?
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: East Coast to the Deep South
Posts: 828
Hey just wishing you good luck. You do have the strength and power to kick man....You definitely wont believe me during this period(especially during that terrible limbo period where you aren't quite sick yet but you aren't high so the fear and panic is starting to set in about whats ahead).
Just remember...it wont kill you. Do whatever you gotta to make sure you don't pick up...Christ I even contemplated tying myself to the bedpost during one of my cold turkey withdrawal periods. Lean on whatever positive, sober people you have around you right now, you're going to need them. Keep posting here, fill time with anything you can (outside of bouts of sickness), be honest with yourself and others.
Most importantly...embrace those feelings that come up!!! I cannot stress this enough, from one IV dopehead to another. If you have to cry...CRY. Feeling angry? start punching and kicking your pillow. You've been so numbed for so long, that **** has to come out one way or another..if you fight it itll just take longer.
Keep your head up, looking forward to hearing progress from you.
Just remember...it wont kill you. Do whatever you gotta to make sure you don't pick up...Christ I even contemplated tying myself to the bedpost during one of my cold turkey withdrawal periods. Lean on whatever positive, sober people you have around you right now, you're going to need them. Keep posting here, fill time with anything you can (outside of bouts of sickness), be honest with yourself and others.
Most importantly...embrace those feelings that come up!!! I cannot stress this enough, from one IV dopehead to another. If you have to cry...CRY. Feeling angry? start punching and kicking your pillow. You've been so numbed for so long, that **** has to come out one way or another..if you fight it itll just take longer.
Keep your head up, looking forward to hearing progress from you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 211
lonelynn
Thanks
I know, been here many times before.
liv1ce
Thanks, that's exactly what I'm hoping, it's only been a few weeks of pills, albeit rather high dosages. Can't be worse than the last time, when I jumped off an excessive oxy / xanax / booze combo, don't know how my central nervous systems has survived this long. If I have kids I wonder if I should tell them they just might have 9 lives
ex D-Boy
Yep, it is the worst waiting for the storm to hit, I'd rather be in the thick of it already, rather than watching it roll in from a distance like a slow moving train wreck.
Sound advice on those embracing the feelings, I'll have to remember that one, thanks for the helpful advice, much appreciated bro!
Thanks
I know, been here many times before. liv1ce
Thanks, that's exactly what I'm hoping, it's only been a few weeks of pills, albeit rather high dosages. Can't be worse than the last time, when I jumped off an excessive oxy / xanax / booze combo, don't know how my central nervous systems has survived this long. If I have kids I wonder if I should tell them they just might have 9 lives
ex D-Boy
Yep, it is the worst waiting for the storm to hit, I'd rather be in the thick of it already, rather than watching it roll in from a distance like a slow moving train wreck.
Sound advice on those embracing the feelings, I'll have to remember that one, thanks for the helpful advice, much appreciated bro!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 211
Struggle street starting. T:40hrs
It's 10am & I slept a disturbed couple of hours, had to keep rolling over to find dry spots on my mattress, whole thing is soaked now and I've pulled the doona off the bed and onto the sofa. At least I can shiver in partial dryness now.
Standard opiate WDs coming in at 70%, intense sweats and chills, i tend to forget how severe these are until they hit, hallucinating a bit (think it's from anxiety?), stomach is gonna go soon, cramps and nausea, can't keep still. My mood is the worst thing I think, everything is so dark, my future, my past, my present. F*ck. Trying not to think too much.
It's 10am & I slept a disturbed couple of hours, had to keep rolling over to find dry spots on my mattress, whole thing is soaked now and I've pulled the doona off the bed and onto the sofa. At least I can shiver in partial dryness now.
Standard opiate WDs coming in at 70%, intense sweats and chills, i tend to forget how severe these are until they hit, hallucinating a bit (think it's from anxiety?), stomach is gonna go soon, cramps and nausea, can't keep still. My mood is the worst thing I think, everything is so dark, my future, my past, my present. F*ck. Trying not to think too much.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 432
Gnarly,
My drug of choice was opiates and I banged them too.
Hope you stay on posting if you can. HOT showers/baths will help you with the chills. Take 20 of them a day if you have to. Hope you can get some Immodium to help you with the diarrhea that is going to come soon. When you get to that point where your anxiety is out of control. Deep breathing!!! You may have to do that anyway due to your pulse increasing. STOP and do DEEP BREATHING!! Watch stupid funny videos. Try to eat what you can. I had to pace around my house once in awhile too. Get sleep when you can because it's gonna be hard to get good sleep for awhile.
Do NOT GIVE UP. You can do this! One minute at a time if you have to!
My drug of choice was opiates and I banged them too.
Hope you stay on posting if you can. HOT showers/baths will help you with the chills. Take 20 of them a day if you have to. Hope you can get some Immodium to help you with the diarrhea that is going to come soon. When you get to that point where your anxiety is out of control. Deep breathing!!! You may have to do that anyway due to your pulse increasing. STOP and do DEEP BREATHING!! Watch stupid funny videos. Try to eat what you can. I had to pace around my house once in awhile too. Get sleep when you can because it's gonna be hard to get good sleep for awhile.
Do NOT GIVE UP. You can do this! One minute at a time if you have to!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
I know exactly how you are feeling. exactly. We know that when we are detoxing our whole world turns upside down. When I am detoxing I have to have support. I have to force myself to go to meetings and share with others. Can you get to a meeting in the next few days? Or call someone from the program? I reached out last time in April, my now sponsor 12 stepped me. She came over and sat with me for a few hours. This helped so much. just keep telling yourself that this will pass. If you don't pick up again you will never have to go through this again. I am proud of you!!! When I am detoxing I feel that my world is over. Its sad how drugs mess with our brain chemistry. They turn us from happy people to people that don't know why they are alive. This passes though. Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 211
T:72hrs
Quick update.
Standard fear & loathing. Only been sick a few times, immodium is helping, warm showers are a godsend when I can peel myself from horizontal for a bit. Only another 24hrs to go, I'm getting off lightly.
likehappiness, been doing the deep breathing thing involuntarily i think, maybe more like hyperventilating haha.
Finaltime,
I'm not as tough as you! Last thing I could handle is going to a meeting, I'd sit there hating everyone and everything. That's pretty cool that your sponsor came and supported you though. Is NA a big part of your recovery?
Quick update.
Standard fear & loathing. Only been sick a few times, immodium is helping, warm showers are a godsend when I can peel myself from horizontal for a bit. Only another 24hrs to go, I'm getting off lightly.
likehappiness, been doing the deep breathing thing involuntarily i think, maybe more like hyperventilating haha.
Finaltime,
I'm not as tough as you! Last thing I could handle is going to a meeting, I'd sit there hating everyone and everything. That's pretty cool that your sponsor came and supported you though. Is NA a big part of your recovery?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 432
Gnarly...good see you hanging. Yeah I probably did a little hyperventilating then too. Lol. I also attend aa/na meetings. It took me about a week to get out of the house the first time I cold turkeyed. It helps me stay sober and accountable. However, there are days when I am sick of being sober and get restless. But I am afraid of the alternative and having to start all over and back to hell.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 211
Day 5 hello. I made it through, woo-hoo! Grateful to be here, I gotta admit tho, the RLS is making me look like I belong on the set of Happy Feet!!
So now this is where I need to do something different, the one thing I have been having reservations about is going to NA/AA meetings. I hate public speaking and don't like big groups, I'm pretty introverted, so the group approach scares the sh*t out of me.
I was forced to attend NA for 6 months by the courts last year after a bit of rascal behavior, I struggled with it for a while because my anxiety was so high and i felt like everyone was staring at me ... life isn't always easy as a tiger in a checkered shirt.
Once I got to know some of the people there NA was actually quite cool tho, but I am holding back, I don't know why, maybe I need a push. Maybe I don't want to give up the idea of an occasional beer just yet. I do KNOW I could do with the support.
Also genuine thanks to everyone who supported me here on SR, it really does make a difference in the sense that I didn't feel like i was alone thru those WD's. I really appreciate it guys.
So now this is where I need to do something different, the one thing I have been having reservations about is going to NA/AA meetings. I hate public speaking and don't like big groups, I'm pretty introverted, so the group approach scares the sh*t out of me.
I was forced to attend NA for 6 months by the courts last year after a bit of rascal behavior, I struggled with it for a while because my anxiety was so high and i felt like everyone was staring at me ... life isn't always easy as a tiger in a checkered shirt.
Once I got to know some of the people there NA was actually quite cool tho, but I am holding back, I don't know why, maybe I need a push. Maybe I don't want to give up the idea of an occasional beer just yet. I do KNOW I could do with the support.
Also genuine thanks to everyone who supported me here on SR, it really does make a difference in the sense that I didn't feel like i was alone thru those WD's. I really appreciate it guys.
Last edited by gnarlyboots; 11-10-2014 at 12:30 PM. Reason: Added thanks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
how about you just try one meeting? avoid Friday or Saturday nite meetings as those tend to be larger and often when celebrations are held, if you don't want large gangs! LOL every group is different, so keep an open mind. i always like breakfast meetings, nice way to start the day!!!
you don't have to say a word. or you can simply say Hi I'm GnarlyBoots and i'd just like to listen today, thanks. You could even try a couple AA meetings too, just to mix it up.
getting ahead of myself tho. you said yourself you know you need to do things different if THIS TIME is truly going to have a different outcome. so slide on in to a meeting.....they won't kill you and eat you.
you don't have to say a word. or you can simply say Hi I'm GnarlyBoots and i'd just like to listen today, thanks. You could even try a couple AA meetings too, just to mix it up.
getting ahead of myself tho. you said yourself you know you need to do things different if THIS TIME is truly going to have a different outcome. so slide on in to a meeting.....they won't kill you and eat you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
I don't know how many meeting you did in those 6 months, but hell yeah give it a try. Look for the things you relate too as opposed to focusing on things you don't agree with. And try different meetings if you decide to go
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 432
Gnarly,
There are good meetings and bad meetings. I am lucky and live in place where there are hundreds of different meetings throughout the week. Women, Men, Spanish speaking, gay/lesbian. They also have speaker meetings and non-speaker meetings. The only think I have found occasionally that some AA meetings where they want "just" alcoholics there. Those are few and far between. To me and addict is an addict is an addict. I am addicted to food too..and it's all the same concept.
You do not have to talk! If you go to a small meeting where they go around the room you can pass...just do it in your own time. Don't forget...we are all just as sick as your are/were and they too. The cool thing about AA/NA is there are actually some way cool people in those meetings. I find that addicts and alcoholics are very creative and very intelligent people. We are just stupid about drugs and alcohol! LOL
I have gone to a few meetings and come out laughing cause they were the worst meeting I have ever been too. But you just have to find the ones you like.
There are good meetings and bad meetings. I am lucky and live in place where there are hundreds of different meetings throughout the week. Women, Men, Spanish speaking, gay/lesbian. They also have speaker meetings and non-speaker meetings. The only think I have found occasionally that some AA meetings where they want "just" alcoholics there. Those are few and far between. To me and addict is an addict is an addict. I am addicted to food too..and it's all the same concept.
You do not have to talk! If you go to a small meeting where they go around the room you can pass...just do it in your own time. Don't forget...we are all just as sick as your are/were and they too. The cool thing about AA/NA is there are actually some way cool people in those meetings. I find that addicts and alcoholics are very creative and very intelligent people. We are just stupid about drugs and alcohol! LOL
I have gone to a few meetings and come out laughing cause they were the worst meeting I have ever been too. But you just have to find the ones you like.
The Long and Winding Road....
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Brisbane QLD
Posts: 897
hey gnarly boots
I get where you at and understand how you feel.
I don't imagine being a tiger in a check shirt is easy, but than again being a symbol of an anarchist society isn't either.
I know mate....I had a year clean and sober and busted....started with codeine due to ongoing physical pain, then the booze came back, ended up smoking the rock with an old junky buddy on Friday night.....big realisation, day 4 again, this time going very slowly and carefully.....
keep posting and let us know how you are fairing, my dreams have been f'd up and haven't left the house much....
we can do this together
v
I get where you at and understand how you feel.
I don't imagine being a tiger in a check shirt is easy, but than again being a symbol of an anarchist society isn't either.
I know mate....I had a year clean and sober and busted....started with codeine due to ongoing physical pain, then the booze came back, ended up smoking the rock with an old junky buddy on Friday night.....big realisation, day 4 again, this time going very slowly and carefully.....
keep posting and let us know how you are fairing, my dreams have been f'd up and haven't left the house much....
we can do this together
v
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by gnarlyboots 
Geez, I gotta put the breaks on.
I have been slowly slipping back towards the needle the last few weeks. It started with drinking again to deal with anxiety, then I tore the ligaments in my ankle (legit), and got a script for codeine, next thing y'know I've scammed another script, and am eating 1500mg a day. WTF.
Next week a friend arrives with oxy & morphine to the ceiling, big weekend ensures, (can't remember a thing). I know I'm gonna get sick when I put down now. Bugger. May as well stretch this out another week on what the pills she left me.
Finish the top shelf stuff, down to morphine and tramadol, final dregs. I know the oral bio availability of morphine sucks, so I decide to hustle some double down the exchange and flip the morphine into bangable form.
So I'm cruising home, pockets filled with wares, self-dissolution on my mind, and I get a flicker of 'what the hell are you doing'. I know once the plunger pushes down and that first big one registers, I'm gonna be out the gates like a Melbourne Cup race horse.
In a moment of clarity, I manage to chuck the entire bottle of morphine tabs out the window and dump the AA in the sink and now and I'm sitting here watching the sickness creep over. Big part of me lamenting what I just thew out and the other part, really wanting to stay clean.
Fingers crossed posting this strengthens my resolve and gives me a degree of accountability, it's just the internet, but as a friend said to me once, 'if you're not ready to quit, NOTHING will help, but when you are ready, ANYTHING will'.
I'm hoping it's one of those anything times!
I have been slowly slipping back towards the needle the last few weeks. It started with drinking again to deal with anxiety, then I tore the ligaments in my ankle (legit), and got a script for codeine, next thing y'know I've scammed another script, and am eating 1500mg a day. WTF.
Next week a friend arrives with oxy & morphine to the ceiling, big weekend ensures, (can't remember a thing). I know I'm gonna get sick when I put down now. Bugger. May as well stretch this out another week on what the pills she left me.
Finish the top shelf stuff, down to morphine and tramadol, final dregs. I know the oral bio availability of morphine sucks, so I decide to hustle some double down the exchange and flip the morphine into bangable form.
So I'm cruising home, pockets filled with wares, self-dissolution on my mind, and I get a flicker of 'what the hell are you doing'. I know once the plunger pushes down and that first big one registers, I'm gonna be out the gates like a Melbourne Cup race horse.
In a moment of clarity, I manage to chuck the entire bottle of morphine tabs out the window and dump the AA in the sink and now and I'm sitting here watching the sickness creep over.
Big part of me lamenting what I just thew out and the other part, really wanting to stay clean.Fingers crossed posting this strengthens my resolve and gives me a degree of accountability, it's just the internet, but as a friend said to me once, 'if you're not ready to quit, NOTHING will help, but when you are ready, ANYTHING will'.
I'm hoping it's one of those anything times!
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