liv1ce

gnarly, we are ALL slippery and deceptive. It is part of the game we play. Others know it and see it in you and just aren't calling you out.

As long as you continue to deceive and play the game you aren't really committed to anything but deception - of yourself.

likehappiness

Gnarly,

I am glad to see you post again. Sounds like you are back to feeling why you wanted to quit in the first place. Finding out that it's just not fun to lose everything! I hope you are in a better place today. You can stay sober!

gnarlyboots

6 days clean from opiates, first day totally clean, I've recommitted that my recovery is something that needs to be absolute, no mind altering substances, period. I'm an utter drug pig and it needs to stop for my life to progress in any meaningful way! I've had enough of this, really truly, had enough of the pain and suffering that my behavior has been causing my family, friends & myself. Whatever pain lies in sobriety, bring it on, because it can't compare to this.

I need to feel connected to the universe again, I want to feel who I am, I want to see my old school mates who think I'm a lost cause, smile and give them a wink, and tell them I'm doing well - and actually mean it!!!

My ankle has healed enough for me to be back in the gym, back on the bike, back working, so enough self-pity, no more sitting around thinking recovery is gonna come to me, i'm going out there and I'm gonna earn my sobriety. Watch this space.

blueyes618

Gnarly that's awesome... It sounds like you're ready to move forward. Congrats on the six days!

gnarlyboots

Thanks blue,

I'm totally ready. Something clicked in me today, my thinking has shifted, not sure why, have been praying for this to happen for ages now and I this is a real window into sobriety & I intend to fully utilize it.

Marcus

That is great to hear Gnarly. I in no way want to rain on your parade, but understand in early recovery our resolve to quit can be 100% one minute then 5 minutes later we are making a dope run. I am not saying this to be a di*K although I have been known to be one - just want you to realize that a moment of clarity does not mean you can just cruise along without doing WHATEVER it takes to stay sober.

That is the problem. All addicts have moments where they are sure they are done - especially after a good run of using, but that resolve can disappear as quickly as it came so you need more for long term sobriety.

Again not trying to rain on your parade - more just saying when you wake up tomorrow you just might have a totally different feeling. THAT my friend is why we need to follow a routine and have plenty of "outs" to help keep us clean. Good Luck Brother!!!

gnarlyboots

Thanks Marcus, you're not raining on anything at all, I appreciate your wisdom and experience & you make a good point. I haven't felt properly committed to recovery for a long time and I might be getting a bit overexcited about this, but I'm just stoked to be on day 1 of what I know is a true path. I have been clean once before, and I got 8-9 months, but started drinking and then it was the standard path back to slamming H. So this time, NO drinking!

I have three things that keep my recovery moving forward, and if i do them I feel 'safe'.
They are meditation, training & meetings. So I hope with those three outs in place, I should be able to get through those days where my internal motivation lags... I'm totally open to any suggestions too, I need all the help I can get.

Coldfusion

What will you do with any time that you are not meditating, training, or at a meeting? If you ever have any doubts, just log on to SoberRecovery.

gnarlyboots

Coldfusion, good question, I am only in New Zealand for another month or so before I move home to Sydney to base myself permanently, so the interim will be a pretty slow period. I worked as a personal trainer back home, although no one wants to work with a trainer who's gonna shoot town in January. Atm I'll primarily be working on my old mans farm, which is a couple of hours away from where I am based. I can't usually stay the night there (complicated), but I'll be doing a few days a week out in the country at least. Got a buddy who's a builder here too, so might pick up some casual laboring gigs, I'll see. I also have a few horses running back home which keep me busy on the computer, so I hope I'll be fine to pace out the next few weeks and not twiddle my thumbs too hard.

RedManc7

Keep the faith gnarly boots. **** planning using it always ends in another cycle of insanity in my experience. Stay clean bro, you deserve it.

Chasingthedream

Hey gnarly, I'm so pleased for you that your motivation has come back and you feel ready to quit.

Sounds like you've got a good plan in mind. Do you have support of friends and family?

gnarlyboots

Cheers fellas, I appreciate that.

Red, I'll keep the faith this time, don't know what shifted in my head, but something clicked and rather than having the conceptual knowledge that I can't use or drink, without it hijacking my life, it seems I have accepted that on a deeper level.

Chasing, I have two good people in my corner, my old man is backing me (old fella wants to see me clean so bad), I also have a mate who's a psychiatric nurse & she's on form, works in addiction and all that and she's here for me 100% as well. I also am gonna utilize SR and all the good cats here. I am doing meetings too, but I still sketch out quite badly in groups of strangers, so can't hack going every day, but hopefully that will change.

RedManc7

Good man, I've made the fatal error of saying I'll stay clean for X time then chase the dragon as a wee treat to myself, saying I won't back up, this is a one off etc, only to find myself a week later using more quantities and acting more like an idiot than ever. Neither of us need drugs mate, if your anything like me everyone probably thinks you a self assured confident character but deep down I'm shy, a reason I use, the persona it gives me, I'm shy about going to an NA meeting yet run a sales company Ffs. Work that out!
Stay strong bro, cats like us can't use in moderation, hard to accept but I'm getting there.

gnarlyboots

It's kinda nuts isn't it, we spend a majority of our life under the influence of various substances and it gets weird having to be yourself again! I hear you on the 'I'll stay clean for XYZ period & then celebrate with a little taste', last time I did that the taste lasted 6+ months... jesus.

Being shy underneath the drugs, I hear you, that's pretty crazy you head a sales company and yet are still that way, good that you recognise it, gives you a head start to recovery being able to acknowledge that. I hope you can find sobriety and save your business there brother! We've got it all if we can just shake this monkey off our backs.

RedManc7

Cheers Gnarly, Nail on head, I was back in full flow selling today, could see my team look at me thinking "what's happened to him" as I was lucid sbd articulate and persuasive. All the things I thought smack gave me (till the addiction took over) - I'll save the business mark my words but I'm just trying not to kick myself for not stopping sooner. Yesh the old, If I just stay clean then I'll get a really good high, the buzz I loved at the start, fools gold mate. Stay strong and keep the faith and know that a drug free life is the best option for us both.,

gnarlyboots

Haha Red, a new & improved team boss in the making you are, reckon you might just kick yourself a bit once you beat this thing, Rome wasn't built in a day though. I heard a dude in an NA meeting say that 'everything I put before my sobriety, I loose', that line hit as stone cold truth. You're bloody right on the money that all those addictive substances are fools gold, I like that expression, gonna adopt it as part of my sobriety portfolio if ya don't mind!

I'm back home to Sydney in Feb and am trying to organise a semi-strategic plan of approach to implement when i get back, it's gonna be a test, everything is only a walk away, old faces, old triggers. Been thinking about doing a geographical down to Melbourne for a year or so while I get my feet, but sh*ts gonna be the same down there I guess. Decisions, decisions (good ones but!).

RedManc7

I'm already kicking myself but haven't the time to dwell yet, if I can come out of the other side of this addiction clean and wiser then that will do for me. The rest will sort itself out.
Know what you mean about old triggers, Christ my bathroom is an enormous bloody trigger. Hours I've spent smoking H in there.........
Anyways, day 5, just scored my subs so happy about that, feeling loads better, just want a clean life more than anything now mate, I'm not ready/strong enough to look at the brass tacks of what I've done to my life yet, I just need to keep clean and start attending meetings.
Sounds like you have a plan. Be strong, be honest with your own mind, you know when you are lying to yourself about your intentions, and sneaky addicts can always score if they have to, need to make sure the intent ain't there.

Your welcome re the fools gold quote, it's the bloody truth innit?

Keep the faith bro :-)

RedManc7

Dragged a couple of people into meeting rooms to ask what the **** they were playing at. They suprised that the disappearing smack head boss is back and all energised and working hard. Feels good to be myself again. A bit of a **** at work basically lol :-)

tgreen

I agree with all of them stay strong we know that you can do it. Do some activities that can make you busy. Good luck

gnarlyboots

Keeping the faith, a few little mental battles, some intense anxiety and emotions but commitment staying staunch. Going to pray for this self-obsession to stop, it's bloody terrible.

To help my recovery today I:

Connected with an NA mate
Ate well
Got creative (photography)
Gym and meditation
Posted on SR

Been neglecting meetings, guys from rooms giving me a rev up, my social anxiety is thru the roof with strangers though. More meditating and chamomile tea might do the trick...