Getting sick to get well. Day one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 211
Hello fellow SR'ers, hope you're all finding some peace in your day today, bc I'm NOT.
My head is completely nuts, having intense using thoughts like it's Germany WW2 all over again & my brain is Hilter embodied. Just relentless and abrasive.
Have made a concrete decision to get involved with meetings ASAP, I am still wrecked from the last 6 days of WD's but am forecasting this weekend is going to be the start of my NA/AA push and I am planning on doing the 90/90 thing. I'm an all or nothing kinda guy, so that'll suit my personality I hope.
I'm not employed atm and there's no reason at all I shouldn't be getting involved with the fellowship, I do feel that there's a bit of brainwashing that goes on in the meetings, ie there's a pacifying slogan for any qualm or issue you may have but bugger it, I figure I NEED a bit of brainwashing bc my own head isn't doing me any bloody favors atm, time to listen to some other peoples wisdom.
I want to use so bad it makes me feel sick, but I'm not going to, 100% positive on that, for now. I'm not letting the last 6 days of suffering count for nothing.
F************************************************* **CK.
Sorry about that ^ , just sums up how I feel so eloquently, I couldn't help it.
Vandermast, how's it going being the symbol of an anarchist society man? Being a tiger in a checkered shirt is hard work today! Congrats on the 5 days, my dreams are out there too, been dreaming about smoking crack (not my DOC) and getting assassinated by Mexican gangsters all night. Tiring work, and then I had to get outta bed. haha.
Audery, I'm feeling you, lets nick this thing, we can stay clean if really want it bad enough. Right here if you wanna bounce off me.
My head is completely nuts, having intense using thoughts like it's Germany WW2 all over again & my brain is Hilter embodied. Just relentless and abrasive.
Have made a concrete decision to get involved with meetings ASAP, I am still wrecked from the last 6 days of WD's but am forecasting this weekend is going to be the start of my NA/AA push and I am planning on doing the 90/90 thing. I'm an all or nothing kinda guy, so that'll suit my personality I hope.
I'm not employed atm and there's no reason at all I shouldn't be getting involved with the fellowship, I do feel that there's a bit of brainwashing that goes on in the meetings, ie there's a pacifying slogan for any qualm or issue you may have but bugger it, I figure I NEED a bit of brainwashing bc my own head isn't doing me any bloody favors atm, time to listen to some other peoples wisdom.
I want to use so bad it makes me feel sick, but I'm not going to, 100% positive on that, for now. I'm not letting the last 6 days of suffering count for nothing.
F************************************************* **CK.
Sorry about that ^ , just sums up how I feel so eloquently, I couldn't help it.
Vandermast, how's it going being the symbol of an anarchist society man? Being a tiger in a checkered shirt is hard work today! Congrats on the 5 days, my dreams are out there too, been dreaming about smoking crack (not my DOC) and getting assassinated by Mexican gangsters all night. Tiring work, and then I had to get outta bed. haha.
Audery, I'm feeling you, lets nick this thing, we can stay clean if really want it bad enough. Right here if you wanna bounce off me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Hang in there Gnarly! I love you avatar by the way - makes me chuckle whenever I see it. For me it usually was not the using thoughts I got during withdrawals. I often made it through those for the simple fact I didn't have enough energy to score more OR I wanted to prove to myself I could do it. Unfortunately one of the most dangerous times for me was immediately AFTER I kicked. When I was starting to feel a little better. Told myself wow you can get through it so lets just chip a little and reward myself for what I have done so far! Unfortunately that is just the addict in me bringing me back to where it wants me to be.
TIME while not the only thing is a HUGE thing for us addicts. The farther we can get away from our last high the better. Eventually we realize just how destructive ONE TIME can be. It can ruin our entire lives and we need to respect it as such. Once we get away from the drug - one time just might kill us or at the very least send us back into HELL ON EARTH! Hang in there Man!!!
TIME while not the only thing is a HUGE thing for us addicts. The farther we can get away from our last high the better. Eventually we realize just how destructive ONE TIME can be. It can ruin our entire lives and we need to respect it as such. Once we get away from the drug - one time just might kill us or at the very least send us back into HELL ON EARTH! Hang in there Man!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 211
Day 9.
Yesterday was a special day for me bc life hit a point where it felt good to just walk and breathe and smile (whoa I can smile authentically again). Got a lot accomplished and it's the first time in a while that being clean has looked really attractive.
I'm into the NA/AA meetings this weekend, anxious as hell, but putting my faith in the natural unfolding of the world and am gonna front up and roll along with whatever comes up.
Trying to walk towards my fears, not run away.
Yesterday was a special day for me bc life hit a point where it felt good to just walk and breathe and smile (whoa I can smile authentically again). Got a lot accomplished and it's the first time in a while that being clean has looked really attractive.
I'm into the NA/AA meetings this weekend, anxious as hell, but putting my faith in the natural unfolding of the world and am gonna front up and roll along with whatever comes up.
Trying to walk towards my fears, not run away.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 432
Gnarly,
Glad that you are starting to feel better. I am glad to see it. Good for you for trying the 90/90. Have to start somewhere plus it will preoccupy some of that time spent sitting around thinking about drugs.
One of the things that I had somewhat of a hard time was breaking that habit of thinking about particular times of day that I used or where I used. I would be doing something and bam....oh this was the time of day that I usually used. So it is a good to make sure you are doing something else during those times.
Also, as time goes on you will find out just how much you were living in a fog. Other than the withdrawal...I don't remember a lot of my first few weeks of sobriety. I just kept trudging through it. It was about at the 3 month mark that I woke up and was thinking...holy crap I lost about 3-6 months of my life I won't get back cause I was in a fog. The first 3 in a drug induced stupor and the last 3 trying to get sober. Figured out what a real idiot I was!
Check out different meetings...hopefully you will find ones that you are somewhat comfortable in. Don't forget....many of those people are just as screwed up as your are!!!
Get some of the support you need.
Glad that you are starting to feel better. I am glad to see it. Good for you for trying the 90/90. Have to start somewhere plus it will preoccupy some of that time spent sitting around thinking about drugs.
One of the things that I had somewhat of a hard time was breaking that habit of thinking about particular times of day that I used or where I used. I would be doing something and bam....oh this was the time of day that I usually used. So it is a good to make sure you are doing something else during those times.
Also, as time goes on you will find out just how much you were living in a fog. Other than the withdrawal...I don't remember a lot of my first few weeks of sobriety. I just kept trudging through it. It was about at the 3 month mark that I woke up and was thinking...holy crap I lost about 3-6 months of my life I won't get back cause I was in a fog. The first 3 in a drug induced stupor and the last 3 trying to get sober. Figured out what a real idiot I was!
Check out different meetings...hopefully you will find ones that you are somewhat comfortable in. Don't forget....many of those people are just as screwed up as your are!!!
Get some of the support you need.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
Posts: 824
Great work gnarly I am on day 4 off smack and usually fold around day 4/5/6 - not this time - I'm determined that these withdrawals aren't in vain - you are inspirational mate keep up the great work!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 211
Thanks Red, I've been drawing inspiration from your fight too mate, I relate to your story on a lot of levels. Let us know how your meeting goes.
You SUUURE about that, likehappiness ... 
OK. 6:30pm tonight, meeting, topic is Steps & Traditions. Got to do it. Might seem like I am making a big deal outta nothing, but that's just what i do, I actually have serious butterflies bc i know in posting this I am committing to this meeting. First time I will be dong them of my own accord and not bc of a court mandate. Phew, all i need to do, is put one foot in front of the other, they call it walking apparently.
many of those people are just as screwed up as your are!!!
OK. 6:30pm tonight, meeting, topic is Steps & Traditions. Got to do it. Might seem like I am making a big deal outta nothing, but that's just what i do, I actually have serious butterflies bc i know in posting this I am committing to this meeting. First time I will be dong them of my own accord and not bc of a court mandate. Phew, all i need to do, is put one foot in front of the other, they call it walking apparently.
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
I hope your meeting went well and I hope that it somehow made you feel more comfortable and less apprehensive. I did AA the first time around and I found great comfort in the trite sayings and little phrases. They have been perpetuated because there is so much truth in them if you listen. The serenity prayer has a tremendous amount to say to any of us regardless of our habits and DOC.
I am not preaching AA and am no longer participating simply because I don't have the time or don't want to take the time and as a true addict "I have my own way to handle it."
Even so I think about and recite the serenity prayer because it has so much to say to me. My life is so much better off if I don't fuss over things that I cannot control and if I focus on what I can change and let the rest go. I apply that to world events as well. I can get really pissed at some injustice being done somewhere but then realize that I have NO power to influence it in ANY fashion and simply let it go. Life presents enough crap right directly in front of us and for most of us here we have chosen to put a lot of the crap right in front of ourselves and can't even deal with that.
I am not preaching AA and am no longer participating simply because I don't have the time or don't want to take the time and as a true addict "I have my own way to handle it."
Even so I think about and recite the serenity prayer because it has so much to say to me. My life is so much better off if I don't fuss over things that I cannot control and if I focus on what I can change and let the rest go. I apply that to world events as well. I can get really pissed at some injustice being done somewhere but then realize that I have NO power to influence it in ANY fashion and simply let it go. Life presents enough crap right directly in front of us and for most of us here we have chosen to put a lot of the crap right in front of ourselves and can't even deal with that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 432
Liv1....wow do we think alike!
I have to go to meetings because it is required and will have to go for the next few years. I have to go to at least 2 a week. Usually I enjoy going but there are days when I have a life and stuff I need to do that I don't want to go. I really would like to volunteer at a school and spend time teaching children from other cultures how to read...but no..I have to go to AA meeting!?! So are they both good for me? yeah. But honestly I would enjoy helping the kids and get a heck of a lot more out of it!
I say the serenity prayer at least once a day if not multiple times while I am working or driving! LOL It really does help keep me calm.
I have to go to meetings because it is required and will have to go for the next few years. I have to go to at least 2 a week. Usually I enjoy going but there are days when I have a life and stuff I need to do that I don't want to go. I really would like to volunteer at a school and spend time teaching children from other cultures how to read...but no..I have to go to AA meeting!?! So are they both good for me? yeah. But honestly I would enjoy helping the kids and get a heck of a lot more out of it!
I say the serenity prayer at least once a day if not multiple times while I am working or driving! LOL It really does help keep me calm.
Last edited by likehappiness; 11-15-2014 at 06:53 AM. Reason: misspellins
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 211
I tried to go a meeting on Saturday but instead I sat in my truck and wigged out and ended up going home and popping a beer. Dunno what's up with me.
I did make a meeting Sunday night which was OK, heard some things i could relate to but bailed out before anyone could connect with me. I'm scared of people I don't know atm.
Day 15 for me but I'm gonna get high tomorrow. I've been facing some heavy family truths (abuse etc , sure a lot of addicts might get that one, self medication and all) but I need a break from my head. I am meeting an old buddy and I am gonna give two days away to the wrong path. Just planning on pills & stuff, no IV, I want to be clean sooo bad, but i need this break ... too much going on ... too much hurt. Boo-hoo listen to me. I'll shut up now. Sorry for being a whingy mofo.
I did make a meeting Sunday night which was OK, heard some things i could relate to but bailed out before anyone could connect with me. I'm scared of people I don't know atm.
Day 15 for me but I'm gonna get high tomorrow. I've been facing some heavy family truths (abuse etc , sure a lot of addicts might get that one, self medication and all) but I need a break from my head. I am meeting an old buddy and I am gonna give two days away to the wrong path. Just planning on pills & stuff, no IV, I want to be clean sooo bad, but i need this break ... too much going on ... too much hurt. Boo-hoo listen to me. I'll shut up now. Sorry for being a whingy mofo.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: UK London
Posts: 53
Don't do it mate, you will regret it. I got to 5 days, had a bad day and went back. Made me feel like a fool and still dwelling on the guilt of it all now. Keep your chin up and try to find the strength to face your problems head on, rather than drowning in pills to mask the problems. Which as you know, doesn't do any good at all!
Don't just bury your head in the sand.
Stay strong dude!
Don't just bury your head in the sand.
Stay strong dude!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: UK London
Posts: 53
Don't do it mate, you will regret it. I got to 5 days, had a bad day and went back. Made me feel like a fool and still dwelling on the guilt of it all now. Keep your chin up and try to find the strength to face your problems head on, rather than drowning in pills to mask the problems. Which as you know, doesn't do any good at all!
Don't just bury your head in the sand.
Stay strong dude!
Don't just bury your head in the sand.
Stay strong dude!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: UK London
Posts: 53
Don't do it mate, you will regret it. I got to 5 days, had a bad day and went back. Made me feel like a fool and still dwelling on the guilt of it all now. Keep your chin up and try to find the strength to face your problems head on, rather than drowning in pills to mask the problems. Which as you know, doesn't do any good at all!
Don't just bury your head in the sand.
Stay strong dude!
Don't just bury your head in the sand.
Stay strong dude!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Hopefully you are just having a week moment and will think better of it when tomorrow rolls around. Normally when I decided to use I was in my car barreling down the highway to the dealers house within minutes. That tells me you are not convinced it is the right thing to do.
You did only make it to one meeting and of course you feel anxious and uncomfortable at first. The slogans do get annoying sometimes, but poor me poor me pour me another drink sounds about where you are at right now.
I had some horrible sh*t happen to me in my past too and until I was ready to face it sober it I was always going to have an excuse / easy out to using. Once you get into a pattern of behavior it is hard to change. I did the two weeks off one week on thing for a while and it really took its toll and made it much harder to get back on track in the long run.
Maybe it is time to get some one on one counseling. Get some of that crap out of your head. Also meeting some people in recovery, getting a sponsor, doing a fourth and fifth step might do you some good. I am not of the opinion AA/NA is the only way - not by a long shot, but it is A WAY. You need to find some form of support and since you are not working it is a cheap and well tested solution. Couldn't hurt to give it a real shot.
Take care dude. We will be here if and when you decide to come back.
You did only make it to one meeting and of course you feel anxious and uncomfortable at first. The slogans do get annoying sometimes, but poor me poor me pour me another drink sounds about where you are at right now.
I had some horrible sh*t happen to me in my past too and until I was ready to face it sober it I was always going to have an excuse / easy out to using. Once you get into a pattern of behavior it is hard to change. I did the two weeks off one week on thing for a while and it really took its toll and made it much harder to get back on track in the long run.
Maybe it is time to get some one on one counseling. Get some of that crap out of your head. Also meeting some people in recovery, getting a sponsor, doing a fourth and fifth step might do you some good. I am not of the opinion AA/NA is the only way - not by a long shot, but it is A WAY. You need to find some form of support and since you are not working it is a cheap and well tested solution. Couldn't hurt to give it a real shot.
Take care dude. We will be here if and when you decide to come back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Well said Marcus.
Gnarly your in my thoughts and I know you can get clean if you really want to.
Maybe you will change your mind and not use tomorrow. Maybe you will tell your friend that you need help and it will help if you don't use together. Just a couple maybes for you to maybe (!) consider
Anyway I feel your pain and relate to the frustration. I don't have the answers .... But there is an answer inside of you. You may find it if you stay clean.
Good luck always and no matter what !!!
Gnarly your in my thoughts and I know you can get clean if you really want to.
Maybe you will change your mind and not use tomorrow. Maybe you will tell your friend that you need help and it will help if you don't use together. Just a couple maybes for you to maybe (!) consider
Anyway I feel your pain and relate to the frustration. I don't have the answers .... But there is an answer inside of you. You may find it if you stay clean.
Good luck always and no matter what !!!
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,064
Originally Posted by gnarlyboots 
Day 15 for me but I'm gonna get high tomorrow.
Please stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 432
2 days huh? I am thinking it will be no less than 2 weeks....that was a pretty strong I am gonna go use without even a 2nd thought of how far you came with 15 days. Now you'll get to do it all over again. Something to look forward to. Gnarly...I do hope you make it back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 211
Ola guys,
So, the last week or so I have been using, living out of the back of my truck & driving from friend to friend, in order to keep my accommodation costs minimal and head in the clouds. I can't go back to where i was living before just yet, I need to make sure I can pass a urine screen (friends & family are already totally suspicious, on this extended 'business / please' trip), so gonna bunk down and get sick again tomorrow. I've been to two more NA meetings and got some numbers which was really confronting for me and I hated it, but there's no doubt that I need strong, no bullsh*t support to guide me. Most other non NA people don't get how slippery & deceptive, I can be, I need someone who will call me out on my BS and push me.
Random thought ... is it possible to get a temporary sponsor online for the time being??
The positive news is that my ankle ligaments have almost healed, so I can start working again in the next few weeks (once I clean up), and I also have not gone NEAR a needle.
Cheers
So, the last week or so I have been using, living out of the back of my truck & driving from friend to friend, in order to keep my accommodation costs minimal and head in the clouds. I can't go back to where i was living before just yet, I need to make sure I can pass a urine screen (friends & family are already totally suspicious, on this extended 'business / please' trip), so gonna bunk down and get sick again tomorrow. I've been to two more NA meetings and got some numbers which was really confronting for me and I hated it, but there's no doubt that I need strong, no bullsh*t support to guide me. Most other non NA people don't get how slippery & deceptive, I can be, I need someone who will call me out on my BS and push me.
Random thought ... is it possible to get a temporary sponsor online for the time being??
The positive news is that my ankle ligaments have almost healed, so I can start working again in the next few weeks (once I clean up), and I also have not gone NEAR a needle.
Cheers
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