ghosseir

Four, just wanted to say how much I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to be vulnerable.... Don't ever forget your power..

Tiredofdrugs

Good afternoon FOUR!

I see you still stacking the clean days! GREAT JOB!

I'm sorry to read you and your wife are still at it though! Try to see things from her side of things also. Maybe it will help you to understand her fear/anger more! And NO I'm not taking her side here either! Remember? I'm on both sides of the fence myself!

Keep writing things down and get it out of that head of yours! You've found a way to handle things in a good way!

TOD

four812

Thanks Glossier , lost, final , TOD.

I got some time alone here before therapy. 2 hours if me time. I'll start with reading (the book thief) and go from there. Reading has been helpful for me lately.

I'm exhausted from a day of thinking too much, but I'll call it a good day. Got news my individual thesis oust will be back from sick leave next week and I pray to stay and be strong so we can get back to done good business.

Have a great sober day everyone. And if your struggling with sobriety I wish you a great day as well of course!!!

four812

1-25-11 I am thinking back and remembering a few months ago when I came back to work after lunch high on crack... My partner had already started working on our little job and I appeared on the job, late, and started trying to help out. I was down on the ground torquing on some bolts and then the boss came up. Sweat was pouring out of my forehead and I stayed down low avoiding eye contact as much as possible.

I am thinking about this because I just got assigned a job before lunch. I am going off to a meeting now… And when I return I will work on my task and won't have sweat pouring out of my forehead or sirens of approaching police pounding in my ears.

I don't feel great today… But I feel a hell of a lot better that I won't be out smoking crack and returning to work with sweat pouring out of my body.

TiredEnough

Four, Im glad for you. You have a real opportunity to be a big success story here.

maryjane1

Well done. I am really enjoying reading your posts and watching your recovery. You post have been inspirational to me. Keep it up!

Chasingthedream

You're doing amazingly well four, and it's real inspiration to see you fighting for this!

Really proud of you. keep on stacking those days!

four812

Tired chasing Mary (!)
Thank you.

What a wonderful lift I'm feeling from your kind words. Some good things for me today.

METTA :-)

four812

I woke up hating the people in my world within 5 minutes of stepping out of bed. When I stepped into work I continued with a few more people. I was hateful and spiteful and vengeful.

Later at a lunchtime meeting the topic was step 10 and someone said that "If I'm bothered by another person then I have to get with the part of me that is bothered." It was a good reminder, though I haven't made any breakthroughs! I've been filled with resentment all day.

Later, thinking about the upcoming Christmas dinner with Family tonight, I had the thought of wanting a drink tonight to loosen up. I was and am already anticipating anxiety as soon as I arrive. But really how ridiculous to be thinking this way; but I can't stop it (so far) and I can't seem to focus on breathing-in loving kindness and breathing-out the fear that's in me. I must try harder I must keep coming back to the breath.

I'm not having a meltdown or such but it's gnawing away in my brain and my AV is laughing away with confidence and I told you so's...Telling me that I'm not worth it and I can't take it and that I might as well just give in. But it's not winning.

I'm feeling pretty strong that using AND drinking is NOT an option tonight. And right now the focus has to be on just tonight. My energy will be on tonight...whether in anxiety or peace. I must and will focus on my support people and recovery friends and on the joy and hope that I feel sometimes; that I CAN let my body, mind, and spirit let go of this crack bug forever. Crack is not me and I am not crack. It will never be a part of my life again if I keep changing and growing and loving love: the comforting love of all that I know and the gratitude of seeing my growth towards the light WITH all humanity on my side, and me on everyone else's side. I don't have to fight. I don't have to hate. I MUST go with love.

So I'm ingesting loud music into my ears and relaxing into this moment. I can let go if this 'mad finger typing as fast as I can possibly go', and instead just walk my fingers along the keys. I can Just breathe and know that there is no hurry. Heck it's the weekend--thanksgiving weekend. I must slow down and look around with my eyes; with my third eye too and focus on love and grow into living an experience of togetherness instead of my familiar resentment filled-antagonistic-victim based thinking.

Once again I must slow down. I don't have to do it all at once. I don't have to be better by Sunday...BUT I must do the very best that I can with living right in this moment.

And I must dream MY dream: my dream is to be filled with wonder and love and kindness and connection. My dream is to be spontaneous and authentic and honest. My dream is to be inclusive and empathetic. My dream is to walk through this underlying current of darkness and fear and to come out on the other side: the side of love.

To do that I have to stop writing. I have to turn off the music. I fave to stop everything except breathing...breathing and noticing my world inside and out. I will drift away into mind games; and then I must stay vigilant to keep noticing when I'm not breathing mindfully...and then get back to breath. Breath of gratitude. Breath of surrender. Breath of cooperation. I can do this as others do. I will let go of the fight for a while. I will let go of it all.

AND just breathe

Ok over and out.

Lovenjoy

(((((four)))))

AnvilheadII

Sorry Four I meant this to be it's own post.

Do Addicts Really Think Differently Than Everyone Else?
Let's face it. Many of us process life differently than so-called "normies." But luckily, we have tools to combat the insanity we live with on a daily basis.


“I have my own climate—things can seem okay on the outside but inside I’ve got black clouds hanging low in my sky, and my soul has fallen through my ass,” says William, a 63 year-old with 30 years of sobriety who lives in Venice Beach. He’s talking about “alcoholic thinking,” that nebulous dark cloud, insidious nagging voice and negative mental groove that can lead us back to the booze. The general accepted philosophy is that if you’re feeling “restless, irritable and discontent,” chances are a little alcoholic thinking is creeping back in. But how are you supposed to distinguish AT from the blues? For “ladybug little,” posting on an anonymous recovery forum, alcoholic thinking is: “The feeling that something terrible was going to happen. I didn't know what...but I knew it would be awful and I just had to drink because I couldn't handle it…Anything that was even remotely good in my life, my head managed to turn into some omen of calamities to come.” “If only I had a boyfriend, my life would be perfect,” the thinking may go. Or: “If only I had more money, I wouldn’t be unhappy.” And then there’s: “If only I had a drink, life would be bearable.”

AT is the conviction that something is about to go horribly wrong or that we need external validation to fill a hole deep inside and that in the event that our own impossible demands are not met, we must drink to fill the hole. “If only I had a boyfriend, my life would be perfect,” the thinking may go. Or: “If only I had more money, I wouldn’t be unhappy.” And then there’s: “If only I had a drink, life would be bearable.” Which all leads to: “I don’t have these things and that’s evidence that the world is pitted against me. I called my sponsor to complain, but he didn’t call back. It’s because he—like the world, like God, like the universe— is against me. This is the worst day of my entire existence on this planet! Everyone hates me! I can’t stop thinking about my sponsor. *******. I want him to die! I also want that person who cut in front of me to die as well, not to mention that kid who nearly walked in front of my car just now even though the lights were green. ****, he has Downs. There’s the universe again, trying to make me feel like a ****! What did I do? I don’t deserve any of this. I’m a victim. It’s not enough that I have a job, enough food to eat, a car, a home, family, friends. I NEED MORE!”

In a sense, AT is like being a dry drunk, a condition that has been described as “returning to one’s old alcoholic thinking and behavior without actually having taken a drink.” If you consider alcoholism is a threefold disease—a disease of the spirit, the mind, and the body—AT is the mental part of it: the complete self-centeredness of our ego-driven negative thinking which we seek to placate or calm with alcohol and drugs. Alcoholics don’t have a monopoly on the blues, on feeling “restless, irritable and discontent,” or even being grumpy. What seems to distinguish an alcoholic from a regular person is that these feelings are often multiplied by a hundred/thousand/million (depending on the alcoholic in discussion) and that they're often accompanied by a conviction that what’s happening now will never end; “I will always feel this way and I can’t handle feeling this way” can often equal “Drinking or using is the only escape.” Add to that an allergy to drinking or drugs—that is, the fact that we don’t have an off button once a substance is put in our system—and you see the issue.

So how do we combat AT? It’s often said that following the 12 Steps of AA is basically like embarking upon a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Our dysfunctional thinking and mental behavioral patterns are directly addressed in the 12 steps, in much the same way that a CBT therapist might gently highlight negative thinking in a therapy session. “My CBT therapist suggested when I say things like, ‘I really needed a drink,' I should stop and rephrase it as something more accurate like, ‘I really wanted a drink,’” says James, a 47 year-old alcoholic attending CBT counseling alongside AA meetings. “It reminds me a lot of AA.” A prayer, for example, is a simple, effective method of setting a positive intention to counteract a negative AT pattern. Those who find thar prayer isn’t for them can do this by simply reciting an affirmative sentence like, “Today I am going to stay calm and not pay any attention to my ‘monkey mind.’ I am going to practice love and forgiveness, instead of anger and suspicion, to the best of my ability.” By pledging to replace obsessive, negative traits with spiritual opposites, we’re training our minds to stay alert, to recognize AT, and to calmly take what AA-ers term “contrary action”: Feeling lazy? Get your ass to a meeting. Hating the world? Help a newcomer. Sick of your meetings? Take a commitment. This is the method in much of AA’s madness.

But when we’re alone, trapped in what William termed his “inner climate,” reluctant to leave the house, mired in isolation—when we’re hating it and simultaneously convinced that nothing will make a difference—what do we do then? Pray, or “set an intention” for willingness, my sponsor always used to say. “White knuckle it” is what I usually did instead. But as I started to work the steps, what began to happen was that I’d discover ways to treat the AT and isolation even before it started so it never developed into the full blown craziness we all know so well.

Many, of course, believe that only a Higher Power outside ourselves can relieve the insanity of alcoholic thinking. Opponents point out that a belief in a Higher Power suggests that the alcoholic has no personal responsibility for their recovery: you’re a failure but for the grace of God. But speak to many in AA, and they’ll deny this outright. “I’d love it if believing in God made me less responsible for being a jerk-off,” laughs William. “But I don’t think my sponsor sees it that way.” William does pray, and finds it helps to combat the bouts of AT which occur occasionally (in early sobriety, he had “an ass-kicking sponsor” for when he failed to self-motivate). Sarah, a 32-year-old yoga teacher who’s been sober for two years, does not believe in prayer or God but still works the program in her way. “Here's how I interpret the 12 steps,” she says. “I couldn’t get sober on my own without everyone in my meetings and my recovery world. They’re my Higher Power. I looked to them to show me what I couldn’t see in myself. They’re imperfect, they **** up, they’re not gods in any sense of the word. But when I think I can’t do this anymore and I have to drink, I call my sponsor; knowing that she hasn’t picked up for 10 years gives me faith that I can resist, too.”

AT tends to start murmuring most strongly when we’re wronged. It’s so easy to be a good sober person when life’s going great but as soon as some ******* badmouths us, or doesn’t do what we want, the voices start again. Recently, a person I had offended reached out and gave me another opportunity to apologize to them. I did—and immediately got kicked in the teeth with a vicious and ungracious response. So I did what any good alcoholic did. I sat on it, letting it fester in my mind until it grew to enormous, gargantuan proportions. Never mind this girl was probably PMS-ing. Never mind that she had every right to be annoyed at me. Never mind, even, that she was in the wrong. If I’d kept my side of the street clean, it would have been okay. But I reacted. And sometimes that’s the hardest thing about AT—practicing what many in recovery call “non-reaction.” We have to learn how to pull our train of thought away from those familiar tracks that can lead to a relapse, and often that can be as simple as recognizing AT, acknowledging it, and simply not feeding it: going for a walk, calling a friend, hitting a meeting, watching a movie—distract, distract, distract—until the feeling diminishes, which it inevitably does. Alcoholics with AT are like pit bulls with small mammals: we will not let go and will worry that thought to death rather than put it down and walk away. “Let it go” must be our mantra for mental sanity—but there’s arguably nothing more difficult. The best distraction of all, and often the quickest route to changing feelings of resentment, is the contrary action route: pissed because you don’t feel you’ve gotten enough validation from the world for your greatness? Why not return the email from the person who asked you for help? Somehow a conviction that you’ve been wronged morphs into a belief that the world is a beneficent, loving place—and, even better, that you’re a part of all that positivity. (Similarly, if you want to exacerbate those feelings of resentment, send a bunch of angry emails to those who you’re convinced are responsible for holding you back; it’s guaranteed both to keep you simmering and to motivate them to not help you.)

So next time you feel storm clouds gathering and want to sit inside with the curtains closed, step outside in the sunshine. Do exactly what you don’t want to do. And watch the bad weather blow away.

Ruth Fowler has written for The Village Voice, The Guardian, The Huffington Post, The New York Post and The Observer. Her memoir, No Man's Land, which documented her pre-sobriety experiences as a stripper in Manhattan, was published by Viking in 2008. She also wrote about why doctors can't deal with addicted patients and nursing your way back to health, among many other topics.

Marcus

Rooting for you dude! Trust me I went through lots of similar emotions in my early recovery. They sent me back to using many times, but I finally realized getting high was NOT going to fix it. You have fought too hard and come to far to P*SS it all away again. Keep taking it a day at a time which is all you can do. A moment at a time if you have to. People ask how you get from early recovery to stable recovery? Basically just what you are doing. Keep being honest - keep reaching out for help - don't isolate or try to take on your Addictive Voice by yourself. You got this!!!

Impurrfect

Thanks for the threat post Anvil!!

Four - I keep falling behind on this thread, but I don't mean to.

You are doing GREAT, my friend. Though I have some good time in recovery, you remind me of what it was like to be new to it all, dealing with all the feelings without my "numbing medicine". You remind me why I never want to go back.

My life is not a bowl of cherries, but it's somewhat "normal"? It absolutely makes my day to come here and find someone else getting off the dead end road that crack will lead you to.

To those struggling with other substances, I know ALL substances are hard. I learned, here, that it doesn't matter the substance, we all have similar struggles to go through.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

four812

Yay the party went well and didn't even think about a drink. Only my wife and brothers gf had one drink. Home now and heading to bed soon.

likehappiness

Four...

You are doing absolutely great. I still have those days were I wake up mad at the world. Mostly I am mad at myself for being an addict. Usually I just acknowledge it and try to stay away from the people who push my buttons. Those are also the days were I repeat the Serenity Prayer multiple times and really think about what it says.

I love waking up sober. The longer I do it the happier I am because I just don't want to go back to feeling like crap or that FALSE sense that I have more energy when I really didn't. Your writing about sweating profusely and hoping others don't notice....I had those feelings all the time and I have them for a month or two after I quit using. I would ask myself..."do people still think I am using?"

My husband still checks up on me occasionally. Especially when I am by myself for a long period of time when we are home together. I'm okay with it now but there were times when it would drive me crazy.

Every time you drive by crack city and don't stop....is another WIN! After time goes by you won't relate to it that way...it will be more of that was my old life and I am no longer that person! I am a new and better person.

four812

Last night I was up through the night and rose with a severe migraine like ones I remember from years ago. I knew I must get to a meeting and so I went. It was a good idea and I got a number of someone who I related to. It was a first step/gratitude meeting and It was nice to be grateful for my sobriety and for being to experience the other people at the meeting. One thing that came across my thoughts as someone was talking about not judging others is that I have to always remember that “Your truth” is just as true as “my truth”....and that I must notice what's going with me when I think otherwise (ie especially when I think that “my truth” is more true than “Your truth”)

It’s thanksgiving and this one is going to be free of crack city. I am full and will be able to have some desert after I get a little room in my stomach. During the last 13 years I might have been on my way for a 3rd helping of misery after a trip to crack city and spending the day and night in crazy land all by myself. But not this year. This is the year that is the beginning of the extraction of the crack bug from my body and mind. I pray that next thanksgiving I will be able to have that on my gratitude list!

and I also am so very grateful for this site and for the internet support and friendships we come to find here. I hope for a wonderful thanksgiving for all here and pray that we all take the right fork in the road and bring our best selves to the day.

Tiredofdrugs

Four:

You are doing really great! I hope you are giving yourself lots of credit for this? You made it thru a Holiday w/o using anything too! I'm sending you a big high five thru this post!

TOD

liv1ce

I like your thinking now four. I have found it interesting to watch people change through their writing. In the beginning all the words run together with lots of misspelling and little grammar. There are a few crazy thoughts and wild imagination.

As the length of sobriety grows it seems that we become more intelligent again. The writing makes more sense and the thought processes improve and along with it so does spelling and grammar.

If you read through your posts you may see this.

AS you have written through your time here it has been painful to see and actually feel your struggle.

It is interesting how much more relaxed I am in reading what you have to say as the suffering is subsiding.

You are well on your way but as is always my mantra - it is never, ever over.

Keep fighting the fight it has been a joy to watch you grow.

finaltime

Four, I am right here with you man! I have all the same thoughts... meetings and sharing are helping.

Love you man.

four812

Thanks like happiness , tired, live, final!!!

I'm glad you are all doing good as well. Times rolling by as the days are stacking up for us all. I'm on 21 now and am pretty much growing stronger. Went to an open meeting with my wife this morning and we really liked it.

Good luck