do I or don't I?
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
do I or don't I?
i do believe it is his choice/obligation but if he dies i know i will continue to wonder.....
my 29 year old son is an addict. he stops using for periods of time, sometimes substantial periods, and then uses. i know he wants to be done but it ain't happening for any duration.
he's in the hospital, again, and won't tell the doctors he's an addict. severe, unexplained infection and it appears the kidneys are involved. i know his body is breaking down from years of drug abuse. i think every time they give him pain killers it worsens whatever is going on.
i spent 4 hours in the er with him last night before they admitted him trying to get him to be honest with the doctors. he refuses.
so..... do I or don't I? tell the doctors.....
my 29 year old son is an addict. he stops using for periods of time, sometimes substantial periods, and then uses. i know he wants to be done but it ain't happening for any duration.
he's in the hospital, again, and won't tell the doctors he's an addict. severe, unexplained infection and it appears the kidneys are involved. i know his body is breaking down from years of drug abuse. i think every time they give him pain killers it worsens whatever is going on.
i spent 4 hours in the er with him last night before they admitted him trying to get him to be honest with the doctors. he refuses.
so..... do I or don't I? tell the doctors.....
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
i've wondered how the doctors couldn't know myself. they have all his in and out of hospital records.....
what do you mean 'if it's legal'?
his fear, and i get it, is that they would treat him less professionally? and of course his av is in on this decision as he gets his doc.....
my thought is he could get better treatment for whatever is wrong and maybe even direction for addiction help? am i delusional?
what do you mean 'if it's legal'?
his fear, and i get it, is that they would treat him less professionally? and of course his av is in on this decision as he gets his doc.....
my thought is he could get better treatment for whatever is wrong and maybe even direction for addiction help? am i delusional?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I personally would tell them. I don't think it's fair when anyone goes to a doctor and does not disclose the real reasons behind what is going on. It prevents them from truly helping him.
And while they may not be able to discuss his health back to you, they will certainly listen to anything you tell them.
And while they may not be able to discuss his health back to you, they will certainly listen to anything you tell them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 6
You should think about what you would be gaining by not telling the doctors what is going on. To me there are no benefits to keeping them in the dark. Telling them could push him in the right direction towards addressing his problem.
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
well that was fun..... just came back from the hospital and the beast is awake and raging. he didn't like what i had to say so he verbally abused me and kicked me out. anger is fear and the fear is about exposing his addiction.
he won't die today - iv antibiotics, fluids and of course pain meds and he's good to go.
according to him me worrying about him dying is my problem.
thanks TheProblem, i am really thinking about what i gain by not telling.
this is unbearable as a parent.
i am really close to losing my job over all this bs and it's impact. he asked why i wasn't at work and doesn't get it at all that the critical thinking needed for my job isn't there today. and again, my problem, nothing to do with him.....
i need to table this for now. but - not doing this again. and there will be another episode. for now i guess it's in house between him and i..... that should be fun too.....
grateful for everyone's input and i am taking it all to heart. putting it out here was a huge step for me and hopefully i will gain strength moving forward.
he won't die today - iv antibiotics, fluids and of course pain meds and he's good to go.
according to him me worrying about him dying is my problem.
thanks TheProblem, i am really thinking about what i gain by not telling.
this is unbearable as a parent.
i am really close to losing my job over all this bs and it's impact. he asked why i wasn't at work and doesn't get it at all that the critical thinking needed for my job isn't there today. and again, my problem, nothing to do with him.....
i need to table this for now. but - not doing this again. and there will be another episode. for now i guess it's in house between him and i..... that should be fun too.....
grateful for everyone's input and i am taking it all to heart. putting it out here was a huge step for me and hopefully i will gain strength moving forward.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
I agree with telling the doctors what they need to know so that they can treat him correctly.
I understand your concerns and attempts to be involved in his life and to see if you can save his life. I have lost a child and it is a really bad thing but he did not have any choice and all we could do was watch him die.
You, on the other hand, have some choice in this and choosing to ruin your life because he CHOOSES to ruin and sacrifice his has to be brought into question. He has indicated the course that he chooses to take and resents your intrusions and seems to have requested that you leave him alone.
I know well that this is predictable addict behavior just as yours is predictable codependent behavior.
If he does not wish to be helped then NO ONE can help and you are throwing your life down the same black hole that he is.
I understand your concerns and attempts to be involved in his life and to see if you can save his life. I have lost a child and it is a really bad thing but he did not have any choice and all we could do was watch him die.
You, on the other hand, have some choice in this and choosing to ruin your life because he CHOOSES to ruin and sacrifice his has to be brought into question. He has indicated the course that he chooses to take and resents your intrusions and seems to have requested that you leave him alone.
I know well that this is predictable addict behavior just as yours is predictable codependent behavior.
If he does not wish to be helped then NO ONE can help and you are throwing your life down the same black hole that he is.
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
liv1ce i am so sorry for your loss. truly.
i don't want to go down the rabbit hole. i work my codie recovery hard and have come a long ways but when i am in crisis because of his choices it is very difficult. life or death. of my child. again. as it is every time he uses. it doesn't matter if it is a real medical crisis (which it is) or a toss of the dice use. realizing that is my growth today.
you're right. he chooses and this has been all he is hearing from me today. he's brought himself to death's door and i won't hold his hand through it..... the difference today from other hospital stays is i am hands off - which is also my take with him when i know he's using.
not being able to work today and being so distraught is my illness roaring in - codependency vs nurturing is a struggle that i need to stop doing to myself.
some tough love there liv1ce, thanks.
i don't want to go down the rabbit hole. i work my codie recovery hard and have come a long ways but when i am in crisis because of his choices it is very difficult. life or death. of my child. again. as it is every time he uses. it doesn't matter if it is a real medical crisis (which it is) or a toss of the dice use. realizing that is my growth today.
you're right. he chooses and this has been all he is hearing from me today. he's brought himself to death's door and i won't hold his hand through it..... the difference today from other hospital stays is i am hands off - which is also my take with him when i know he's using.
not being able to work today and being so distraught is my illness roaring in - codependency vs nurturing is a struggle that i need to stop doing to myself.
some tough love there liv1ce, thanks.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
I feel as if my comments have minimized your loss. If so I apologize as it is a loss no matter the reason or the mechanism. It has to be very hard to separate oneself from a living child no matter how easy it is to say it.
I don't know who or if someone else is watching you trying to help him but they may be feeling a similar loss in what all this is doing to you.
Being the addict in this conversation it is always enlightening to get a glimpse of the damage that we do and how far reaching it is.
The addict life is a very selfish one and anyone who tries to interject oneself into the relationship between the junkie and his drug will be rejected out of hand.
I don't know who or if someone else is watching you trying to help him but they may be feeling a similar loss in what all this is doing to you.
Being the addict in this conversation it is always enlightening to get a glimpse of the damage that we do and how far reaching it is.
The addict life is a very selfish one and anyone who tries to interject oneself into the relationship between the junkie and his drug will be rejected out of hand.
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by liv1ce 
I don't know who or if someone else is watching you trying to help him but they may be feeling a similar loss in what all this is doing to you.
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
so he went by ambulance to the hospital tonight, 8 days since he was released. i asked if he had used since he'd been out of the hospital and of course he said no. i checked his room after they left and, of course, he's been using. i do not understand the choice he makes to gamble with his life. he's deathly ill but it seems the hospital isn't a place to get well to him. just a place to get the good stuff.
i called the er and told the nurse in his room that he's an addict. then told him on the phone what i did. he's pissed. they'll do with it what they will.....
i told him i wouldn't do this again and i didn't.
i am learning what surrender really is and know that tougher choices, of mine, are still to come.
the insight from you in this part of the forum has shed a bright light on what i am dealing with and i am truly grateful.
wishing all peace and growth.....
i called the er and told the nurse in his room that he's an addict. then told him on the phone what i did. he's pissed. they'll do with it what they will.....
i told him i wouldn't do this again and i didn't.
i am learning what surrender really is and know that tougher choices, of mine, are still to come.
the insight from you in this part of the forum has shed a bright light on what i am dealing with and i am truly grateful.
wishing all peace and growth.....
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Lovenjoy: I can't even imagine what you are going thru with this being your son! The addict!
However! I'm the RA in my story! I have 123 days off the opiates now - so I'm okay. My problem though is watching my husband take his daily opiates! I've begged him to get off the crap. I've pleaded and told him my stories - even though he's seen me many times in a fog! He's refused time and time again to get off of them.
I get to watch him and listen to him every day in his use of the pain meds. He doesn't take large amounts, but what he is using is changing him into someone I don't want to be around or deal with. He can't hardly breathe and the opiates cause breathing problems. His pupils are little dots too! I want to just beat some sense into him, but he already knows the deal where opiates are concerned. So I'd waste my time.
I miss the husband I married in 2009! And lived with since 2006! I've written story after story on SR and I'm not going to repeat them here!
Just know I am sorry you are having to deal with this! I've got my walls put up in place to ward off the negative when it's coming from my husband. When it's positive stuff coming from him? I soak it up to use when it's not there!
TOD
However! I'm the RA in my story! I have 123 days off the opiates now - so I'm okay. My problem though is watching my husband take his daily opiates! I've begged him to get off the crap. I've pleaded and told him my stories - even though he's seen me many times in a fog! He's refused time and time again to get off of them.
I get to watch him and listen to him every day in his use of the pain meds. He doesn't take large amounts, but what he is using is changing him into someone I don't want to be around or deal with. He can't hardly breathe and the opiates cause breathing problems. His pupils are little dots too! I want to just beat some sense into him, but he already knows the deal where opiates are concerned. So I'd waste my time.
I miss the husband I married in 2009! And lived with since 2006! I've written story after story on SR and I'm not going to repeat them here!
Just know I am sorry you are having to deal with this! I've got my walls put up in place to ward off the negative when it's coming from my husband. When it's positive stuff coming from him? I soak it up to use when it's not there!
TOD
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
The fear of them knowing he's an addict is they will not dispense any type of pain meds to him. That is most part along with a little of being treated differently. In my experience anyway. Sorry you have to go thru this but I think you did the right thing. They have to know any way. If they don't I would have to question their training.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Lovenjoy,
Since he is in your home, you have the right to expect certain things, and to expect him to not use there. I, of all people, know how futile it is to request that. They do it anyway. Lie, and do it anyway. So, I feel you are quite justified in telling the hospital/doctors. I would imagine its much better for him if he does not get those pain meds. Perhaps it will be something that moves him toward change.. I pray it is, and for peace for you, dear one.
The only thing I can imagine helping me, in your situation(job on the line, etc) is the Serenity prayer. When nothing can be done, detaching is the one thing that helps me. the serenity prayer helps me to do that.
I am going to an Al-anon meeting tonight. I need the help, and I have to do something different.
big hugs to you, lovenjoy.
Since he is in your home, you have the right to expect certain things, and to expect him to not use there. I, of all people, know how futile it is to request that. They do it anyway. Lie, and do it anyway. So, I feel you are quite justified in telling the hospital/doctors. I would imagine its much better for him if he does not get those pain meds. Perhaps it will be something that moves him toward change.. I pray it is, and for peace for you, dear one.
The only thing I can imagine helping me, in your situation(job on the line, etc) is the Serenity prayer. When nothing can be done, detaching is the one thing that helps me. the serenity prayer helps me to do that.
I am going to an Al-anon meeting tonight. I need the help, and I have to do something different.
big hugs to you, lovenjoy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 432
Lovejoy,
I think it was a good thing that you told the doctors. I am a nurse that worked in a hospital for years. When we had frequent flyers our ER doctors would a lot of times run drug and alcohol panels and treat based on some of the results. They would not give pain meds unless absolutely necessary and almost never would give a script for pain medication upon release.
As he continues to use his body will continue to decline. Wonder if he will get to the point where he feels "sick or terrible" all of the time. There will be no drugs that will help him feel better at that point in time. I hope he doesn't find that point before it's too late. Will send you a little prayer for the both of you!
When I was using...my husband actually asked me if I had a death wish. I really had to think about that one for awhile cause it sure did seem like it.
I think it was a good thing that you told the doctors. I am a nurse that worked in a hospital for years. When we had frequent flyers our ER doctors would a lot of times run drug and alcohol panels and treat based on some of the results. They would not give pain meds unless absolutely necessary and almost never would give a script for pain medication upon release.
As he continues to use his body will continue to decline. Wonder if he will get to the point where he feels "sick or terrible" all of the time. There will be no drugs that will help him feel better at that point in time. I hope he doesn't find that point before it's too late. Will send you a little prayer for the both of you!
When I was using...my husband actually asked me if I had a death wish. I really had to think about that one for awhile cause it sure did seem like it.
Last edited by likehappiness; 11-07-2014 at 09:23 PM. Reason: Add to the info
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