Angel78

Hi guys! I need some guidance and support! For the past couple weeks I have been messing around with some tramadol mostly and a few subs. I regret ever taking one damn pill back when I was like 19 now I'm 36 and have spent so much of my life regretting relapsing and wasting so much time and money just being so irresponsible. I woke up today feeling so depressed and shakey I called in sick to work. I was so desperate to feel better and my son was over at my parents house. I went to buy a bag of heroin. I didn't want to go, I hate the neighborhood in Chicago I have to go to. I hate the powerlessness that I feel going to do it. I'm not sure that I'm to the point of getting really sick but it's more mental and that part is so hard to deal with. I want to be done but after I start to feel better I get so complacent in my recovery I kind of isolate and don't do anything at all with my recovery. I have a new job now. I went back to cutting hair and it's going to be difficult to do this again! My anxiety gets so bad I'm thinking about going back on my seroquel xr again. I have one subutex left. I'm going to taper down this week with that. And I have been doing DBT on Tuesday nights now. I'm going to focus more on posting here. I've been reading but to afraid and ashamed to come on here and admit I've messed up but I don't want this to go any further. But I hate that depressed anxious detox feeling that usually lasts a week or so. I have to go to work. I can't take off anymore days. I have to work tomorrow 9 to 3 and Tuesday 9 to 3. I'm off Wednesday and Saturday and Monday. I will be reading and posting and trying to make some meetings. It's hard to get to meetings because of my son but any free time I'm going to be resting and working on my recovery! I really want this bad. I really need support and and suggestions. Thank you!!!

Marcus

Hey Angel. Fellow Chicagoan here! I know all too well about the pull of dope and the neighborhoods you speak of to go score. I wish I could tell you don't worry you will be fine, but we both know we are walking a fine line between life and death. You have a kid and I know the emotional toll that can take on someone trying to get clean. All I can say is I understand where you are coming from because I too have 3 kids and have been in those back alley's and West side hoods that I sure as heck don't belong. Inevitably it comes down to wanting to quit. The realization that you just don't want to do it anymore. I sure hope you get there because once you WANT to quit it truly becomes easy. It is no longer an internal struggle - you don't have to fight with yourself anymore! You deserve it!!! Your kid deserves it. Realize that the high is just NOT WORTH IT! The consequences are too great. You deserve better! Hang on!! Stay Strong!!!

Angel78

Marcus thanks for your reply. You are right! I don't want to feel so desperate that I have to go into that neighborhood. I don't want to feel horrible every time I wake up. I want to stop. I just get so afraid of the first week or two and how depressed and anxious I feel. I just really need support because I don't want this to get any worse. I want to stop and not look back!

TiredEnough

[/QUOTE]I want to stop and not look back![/QUOTE]

You can.

four812

I hear your frustration angel

And the going to the meetings is of course a great idea. And even some different ones if you think some more options are needed/ie different people/personalities

Hope you find the strength to change. Maybe we both can do it and never use or drink again. Today I got 5 days so we are close!

Keep up the work. You can stay our if them Chicago neighborhoods and I can stay out if my crack city as I call it

Good luck!

robgt350

Angel

yea i can relate, but mine is alcohol. sounds like you have the strength to see you need to stop. but like me it is hard to do for long time. yea i have to drive by bad neighborhoods where i have longs of pharmacys or small stores that sell my fav vodka.
i get anxiety actually physical symptoms when i really want a drink like you. i have been trying alot of new things to occupy my mind and body to get over these cravings. i hate to say it now some times it works, and sometimes it does not. i am really trying to put alot of effort in just like you but it is difficult.
often i come to the chat room here to get support and it helps. i also PM people here too and they give me that support i need.
i hope everything works for you and you stay sober. you sounds like you have a strong desire, i am sure you can do it. keep in touch

Angel78

Hi guys. Thank you for the support! I really need it right now. @ four, your are right about changing up my meetings! I'm trying to plan out a recovery schedule for myself. I can't be fully honest at some meetings because my sons father is also in the program and has been an abusive jerk ever since we were first together. Now I have full custody of our son and I'm the sole provider for my four year old. Well his friends will go and tell him things I say at the meetings. They are really immature guys. We try to stay out of each others program's but he gets real crazy jealous and loves to dig up dirt about me. We just went to court because I had a restraining order on him and the judge decided to stop visitation for him. Well at the court date the judge took our liscences and ran our backgrounds. I found out that he has four felonies. He told me he had one. I don't know why he lied. We met at an na meeting. We both have an addiction. Thank God I have not had any issues with the law. I know that if I go to those neighborhoods That could change and I could loose everything. I would die if my son went to live with his dad. I would feel so guilty because I know how abusive he is. So I know what I need to do. I have not went to the west side since Sunday. I went to my DBT therapy group tonight. I go every Tuesday night. It is very helpful. I just need to put together a strong recovery program for myself like I said. I think I might have to go to AA so I can be completely open and honest! That will be really freeing. I even feel better coming here and being honest! Yes I do feel embarest and shameful coming back on here and saying I messed up AGAIN and need you guys to support me AGAIN! But I am putting the past couple weeks behind me and building myself a safety net. I am going to work do my DBT homework. Read that big book, go to as many meetings as I can even though it's hard getting extra babysitting for my son. Usually if I tell my dad I need a meeting he will not say no to watching my son. I hope to meet some strong women and get a new sponsor. And keep it up so I don't go back into isolation! But for the next month I'm kind of making a strict schedule of recovery based stuff. If there is anything else anyone can suggest let me know. Sorry this is long. Thanks for reading!

Marcus

Sounds like a plan Angel. I suggest AA meetings if you are trying to find some type of 12-step help and hopefully you will not run into as many people that know you or your boyfriend. I always found great sobriety there and the steps are the same. I would suggest Women's meetings to keep from all the extra 13 step nonsense that may go on in some meetings (especially since you said you met your man at a meeting!). My wife used to go to Alanon meetings that had Childcare so I am sure you could find the same with AA meetings in Chicago since there are literally hundreds of meetings every day in the area.

What worked for me was to keep myself busy. Yes I needed some me time every now and again, but don't just sit and be idle all of the time. Idle hands are the devils playground or whatever they say. You CAN do this. I swear I thought I was done for. I was using hundreds of dollars of H every single day. It was such a sick cycle and I could detox and be back at it days later. Cherish your sobriety and realize just how much a relapse can set you back. It isn't just getting high one time - it can turn your whole world upside down. Be forever Vigilant! You got this!!!!

Angel78

Thanks Marcus! I will check out the AA website and see about the women's meetings. You are right. I don't need to meet anyone right now. I need to work on me! I'm still recovering from the horrible relationship I had with my sons dad. He was a bad heroin/ crack addict. Now he is clean but picks up young newcomers all the time. He is addicted to relationships and he still wants to try and get with me. Ugh! I am going to see about the child care meetings. I don't think na had that but I'm going to stay away from na and go the AA way! What part of Chicago are you from? Thanks for your suggestions.

Marcus

I grew up on the Northwest side (near Harlem and Devon so almost outside of the city limits, but trust me I got into my share of trouble). I feel for women coming into the program mainly since I saw firsthand - just because you are at a meeting doesn't mean you are not still sick. I saw so many guys with 5, 10, 15 or more years of sobriety basically being predators to the newcomers (women and younger women especially). It really made me sick - so many people talking about their HP and sobriety, but couldn't carry any of it over into their actual lives. That isn't to say AA/NA is not a huge help to people, but you have to realize anyone can walk into a meeting so you have to watch who you are associating with. I used to stick to Men's meetings for that very reason. Sure I loved to see the cute girls come strolling in, but when it comes down to it and you are looking to get sober no need to confuse the issue.

I am not saying you can't eventually find some people you can trust, but early on just to be safe try to stick to at least 75% womens (or mens meetings depending on your sex) and you will find a strong support system to rely on.

When you truly want to get sober you can and will search it out and find it. We all kind of know when someone is being sincere or just trying to get in our pants. Women have it much worse because even at women's meetings you are often getting hit on. Sorry to be so blunt, but I am thankful I am a DUDE sometimes. Either way you got this!! Keep your head up and your eye on the prize!!!

Angel78

Marcus that's where I live. I'm just south of Harlem. I live right off of northwest highway! I went to resurrection high school. I'm in norwood park now but grew up in norwood park then moved to Edison park in 1990 when I was 12. We are neighbors. Lol. Anyway you are right about talking the talk but not walking the walk. Every one hooks up at na meetings actually if you think about it. It's kind of gross. Lol. I know the northwest edge alano club and des plaines alano club are by me. The palatine club is good but kind of a far drive. 5555 n Lincoln is a cool alano club. It's so big. I think I might start going there. I'm excited to find new meetings!

four812

Excited for you angel

Keep up the good work. I will get to hit a morning meeting today myself! Let's both have a clean and solid recovery day.

Angel78

Good job four! I'm having a good day so far. I went with my sons preschool to our neighborhood fire dept for a field trip. It was fun and a really nice day to take a walk! I decided that when I work my 3 to 8 shifts I can take my son to school and hit a morning meeting and make it back to pick him up. He goes to school from 9 to 11:30. That's perfect timing!

Chasingthedream

Hey Angel, just checking in with you and seeing how your day went yesterday. I'm a fellow mum so thought I'd say hi!

Angel78

Hi chasingthedream. I'm doing ok. Hanging in there. My day was good yesterday and today so far. My parents are taking my son to their vacation house this weekend and I'm off of work on Saturday so I plan on going to at least two or three meetings. And maybe a late Friday night one as well. How are you doing?

Yssa

Well good luck to all of you!
And Angel I think you're doing fine and that's great.
Just keep it up.