Relapse after 4 months
Chasingthedream, you had 4 months sober so ya know ya can do it, everyone here is rootin for ya. 
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Thanks Nefer, wow, that's some flower!
Day 10. Still no coke or alcohol. Admittedly I occasionally feel sad I can't have a glass of wine with dinner, but I am so focused on giving up th coke for good that this is a price I know I have to pay, and I'm cool with that.
Haven't posted much th last few days, but will do tonight
Happy Wednesday to you all
Day 10. Still no coke or alcohol. Admittedly I occasionally feel sad I can't have a glass of wine with dinner, but I am so focused on giving up th coke for good that this is a price I know I have to pay, and I'm cool with that.
Haven't posted much th last few days, but will do tonight
Happy Wednesday to you all
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 66
Hi chasing..
I don't even know how to start this post... Just know your not alone. I have f***ed up royally. Had how much clean time under my belt. Was going on hikes. Taking courses even.
My friend OD'd!!!! That should have strengthened my resolve.. I thought it had. I am now starting over, yet again, after a 3day 1oz bender. Wtf??? I don't even know what triggered me. No phone calls. Just an overall general feeling of emptiness and the depression of my friend. I keep asking myself "what if I hadn't cut our friendship off? Could I have changed the outcome and helped her?
Then the whisper of "you know what will help" started and I said **** it.
**** me.
Soooo ANGRY AT MYSELF!
I did have a couple drinks though so I do now see that as equally as evil. So angry at myself.. Actually hate myself right now.
I don't even know how to start this post... Just know your not alone. I have f***ed up royally. Had how much clean time under my belt. Was going on hikes. Taking courses even.
My friend OD'd!!!! That should have strengthened my resolve.. I thought it had. I am now starting over, yet again, after a 3day 1oz bender. Wtf??? I don't even know what triggered me. No phone calls. Just an overall general feeling of emptiness and the depression of my friend. I keep asking myself "what if I hadn't cut our friendship off? Could I have changed the outcome and helped her?
Then the whisper of "you know what will help" started and I said **** it.
**** me.
Soooo ANGRY AT MYSELF!
I did have a couple drinks though so I do now see that as equally as evil. So angry at myself.. Actually hate myself right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
I thought I'd post some things that have really helped to keep me on the straight and narrow this time, in case anyone out there is reading this and struggling.
I have 24 days clean after relapsing from nearly 5 month clean. I am not looking too far ahead, except to motivate myself by thinking how I would like to see myself in 10 or 20 years time.
Looking back on the relapse I realise that, as is often the case, it didn't happen overnight. I think, when you have a little clean time under your belt, relapse is a process that happens over time. You stop respecting your sobriety and giving it the time and care it deserves. You stop looking after yourself and looking for the signs.
I stopped coming on here and fell out of touch with some friends on SR I'd been pm'ing. I forgot to think about the reasons why I wanted to quit and stay quit.
As a result, I now see that reading and posting here on SR has to be a daily activity. As does remembering why I want to quit and stay quit. I have found it really helpful to write a list of the reasons why, and to look at the list every day.
If I find my thoughts wandering, I force myself to think back to the me of yesteryear, put myself back in the shoes of the person I was, waiting for my dealer to arrive, shutting everything out, feeling lousy, feeling ashamed, feeling like a bad person and a bad mum.
There have been a couple of posts that have really resonated with me on here. The first was about respecting your sobriety and clean time, and trying your hardest not to just throw it away at the drop of a hat, or the merest hint of a craving. It sometimes takes an unbelievable leap of faith/courage/willingness to just make it through that first day or week- yet it can be so easy to give up at the first sign of despair. I now really try and push through those feelings if a craving hits. Really focus on how much energy it took to stop, and who knows when I might have that belief again if I choose to give in and pick up.
Also, a post by Dee about how we cannot change one second of the past, but we can help to shape our future. It is hard sometimes to let go of the shame and embarrassment and despair we all feel when we look back at the mistakes we made. But if I dwell on that, it makes me feel bad, and that makes me want to get high. So why focus on something I can't change. People do forgive. In time , we may even be able to forgive ourselves.
As is probably true for a lot of us, I have a history of abuse as a child and low self esteem, definitely reasons I took the partying to the next level. Drugs helped me be the person I thought I should be, not the person I felt like inside. I think a lot of us have put pressure on ourselves to be perfect, 100% of the time. I am trying to learn that just being 'good enough' is ok.
So if I have a day where I want to stay in pyjamas, watching films, I say on repeat: 'This is enough. I am enough. I am good enough." Try it, it helps!
It is early days, but I am doing ok thanks to all the support here.
As a team, we got this thing beat
I have 24 days clean after relapsing from nearly 5 month clean. I am not looking too far ahead, except to motivate myself by thinking how I would like to see myself in 10 or 20 years time.
Looking back on the relapse I realise that, as is often the case, it didn't happen overnight. I think, when you have a little clean time under your belt, relapse is a process that happens over time. You stop respecting your sobriety and giving it the time and care it deserves. You stop looking after yourself and looking for the signs.
I stopped coming on here and fell out of touch with some friends on SR I'd been pm'ing. I forgot to think about the reasons why I wanted to quit and stay quit.
As a result, I now see that reading and posting here on SR has to be a daily activity. As does remembering why I want to quit and stay quit. I have found it really helpful to write a list of the reasons why, and to look at the list every day.
If I find my thoughts wandering, I force myself to think back to the me of yesteryear, put myself back in the shoes of the person I was, waiting for my dealer to arrive, shutting everything out, feeling lousy, feeling ashamed, feeling like a bad person and a bad mum.
There have been a couple of posts that have really resonated with me on here. The first was about respecting your sobriety and clean time, and trying your hardest not to just throw it away at the drop of a hat, or the merest hint of a craving. It sometimes takes an unbelievable leap of faith/courage/willingness to just make it through that first day or week- yet it can be so easy to give up at the first sign of despair. I now really try and push through those feelings if a craving hits. Really focus on how much energy it took to stop, and who knows when I might have that belief again if I choose to give in and pick up.
Also, a post by Dee about how we cannot change one second of the past, but we can help to shape our future. It is hard sometimes to let go of the shame and embarrassment and despair we all feel when we look back at the mistakes we made. But if I dwell on that, it makes me feel bad, and that makes me want to get high. So why focus on something I can't change. People do forgive. In time , we may even be able to forgive ourselves.
As is probably true for a lot of us, I have a history of abuse as a child and low self esteem, definitely reasons I took the partying to the next level. Drugs helped me be the person I thought I should be, not the person I felt like inside. I think a lot of us have put pressure on ourselves to be perfect, 100% of the time. I am trying to learn that just being 'good enough' is ok.
So if I have a day where I want to stay in pyjamas, watching films, I say on repeat: 'This is enough. I am enough. I am good enough." Try it, it helps!
It is early days, but I am doing ok thanks to all the support here.
As a team, we got this thing beat
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,375
I liked what you said about concentrating on things years from now rather than worrying how you feel today, right now. It a long haul and you are wise to see that. If you have 2 terrible years fixing your life, the next 20 clean will more than make up for it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Thanks Tired. I hadn't even thought about it like that. I was just thinking that I want to be happy and healthy and running around after grandchildren in 25 years time. Not dead or ill or f***ed up!
But you're right- if it takes 2 years to fix this, it is more than worth it for 20 years happy!
But you're right- if it takes 2 years to fix this, it is more than worth it for 20 years happy!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
Posts: 824
Hey chasing try stay off drink it a gateway for the bugle. Totally identify with your reasons for using and reasons for stopping. I smoked weed every day for years, stopped when I was 22/23 but took 6m to pluck up the courage to tell my pals, thinking it was a big deal, I told them I was knocking weed on the head as I was anxious paranoid etc & not enjoying the same buzz anymore. They just said Yeah cool no worries and carried on skinning up and just not passing the joints to me. Made such a big thing of it in my own head. Dread to think about the mad **** coke n smack have done to my head. Stay strong today chasing.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Posts: 377
Went to a friends birthday party lastnight. A very special friend, otherwise wouldn't have gone as Knew it wasn't the most sensible thing to do so as there would be using friends there.
Thought the evening through before I left:
Mobile phone (to contact dealer, although number obv deleted) left at home - check
Babysitter booked for only 2 hours- check
No pre party drinks- check
Came onto SR before the party- check
Drove to party- check
Went to party. Nice to see friends. Noticed how annoying people are when drunk. Came home at 10. Got into bed with herbal tea. CHECK!
It can be done! I can re learn habits of old. I can learn to enjoy my life without intoxication, even though that is what I have done for the past 22 years.
Day 27 here I come
Thought the evening through before I left:
Mobile phone (to contact dealer, although number obv deleted) left at home - check
Babysitter booked for only 2 hours- check
No pre party drinks- check
Came onto SR before the party- check
Drove to party- check
Went to party. Nice to see friends. Noticed how annoying people are when drunk. Came home at 10. Got into bed with herbal tea. CHECK!
It can be done! I can re learn habits of old. I can learn to enjoy my life without intoxication, even though that is what I have done for the past 22 years.
Day 27 here I come
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Thanks red and foto.
I think (and hope) that the switch has finally flicked- I know deep down inside that using is just not worth it. That my new life and sobriety is worth any sacrifice.
Hoping for a clean weekend for you red
I think (and hope) that the switch has finally flicked- I know deep down inside that using is just not worth it. That my new life and sobriety is worth any sacrifice.
Hoping for a clean weekend for you red
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
Posts: 824
Honestly chasing? I went to pub thus afternoon and took an MDMA Cap. Great fun, v strong, and means I've not scored on a Saturday in Sydney for the first time in nearly 3 years.
So I feel clean but others may not agree. I just need to stop using nasty horrible smack then build on it. I usually break days 4-6 - and know deep down I will - not this time. I've changed.
So I feel clean but others may not agree. I just need to stop using nasty horrible smack then build on it. I usually break days 4-6 - and know deep down I will - not this time. I've changed.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Red- I was under no illusion you'd be completely drug free this weekend. definitely best to be honest- otherwise you feel bad and that only creates an atmosphere conducive to using more.
Not using smack for the first time in 3 years is obviously a massive achievement.
Yes- looking forward, if you really want to stay smack free for the rest if your life, you are going to need to give up the other drugs too, as they do all eventually lead back to your DOC. But for today/this weekend/this whatever, you have a right to feel very proud of yourself.
Way to go Red!
Not using smack for the first time in 3 years is obviously a massive achievement.
Yes- looking forward, if you really want to stay smack free for the rest if your life, you are going to need to give up the other drugs too, as they do all eventually lead back to your DOC. But for today/this weekend/this whatever, you have a right to feel very proud of yourself.
Way to go Red!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
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Ecstasy was my DOC for years but after 1000s of them I couldn't do it regularly, then heroin seduced me as I thought I could work well, eat and sleep on it and be energised. More fool me. Like anything there was a honeymoon period before it got it's claws into me. I'm just grateful I've learned my lesson and can rebuild my life
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I'm really really pleased for you red.
Don't take this the wrong way, but don't get complacent- you have made a fantastic step, but this is the beginning of a journey. Thinking I had it beat and losing my focus was what beat me last time
Don't take this the wrong way, but don't get complacent- you have made a fantastic step, but this is the beginning of a journey. Thinking I had it beat and losing my focus was what beat me last time
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