Paulos

Yeah so here I am yet again, no V, the start of the month... I'm on about 90 of the 5/350s a month and I'm out- so pretty much my day has been kind of crappy so far- always taking practical advice from the people around here who have been through it even though I pretty much now take Midol for my headaches/moodiness, showers and of course a benzo for my insane anxiety... Day 1 is not always the roughest, but complicated. to those who know me- I haven't had alcohol in about 6 months, and I will not either- so, woo.

cleaninLI

Welcome back Paulo!

Are trying to recover or just ran out of your DOC? That part wasn't clear to me. No offense just wanted to know your situation.

Thanks!

Paulos

No problem, actually I'm trying to recover and ran out of my DOC- so actually I suppose I bull crap answered that question- sorry, lol- just trying to survive and keep up as strong and well as I can- been having a lot- LOT of thoughts lately that I cannot go on like this anymore, just relying on that drug to make things like ... easier in life only to run out and it gets so much worse in a WD, I really can't do it anymore mentally- so this may be honest last WD I go through.

Mamahawk

Paulos you can be free from this addiction. I spent twenty years addicted to them. I took extremely high doses. Doses that should have killed me. I walked away and so can you. You have the power to leave. Do you have any support?

Paulos

Got my stepfather who isn't in jail but my mother IS in jail, she's my best support I guess but I'm pretty much slightly on my own except for SR here.

cleaninLI

Paulos I understand what you're saying. That is exactly what happened to me at the end.....just before I began my recovery.

I would get my pills every Friday on payday. For a long time they lasted until the next Friday...payday....when I could reup my supply. Then I started running out a little early....like maybe a day.....then two days early....then finally toward the end I as running out by Monday or Tuesday! It was so ridiculous! To tell you the truth the high wasn't even that great...I was popping all weekend....but I could never get that feeling I had in the beginning. So I was basically taking them to not get sick....but ended up sicker than I dog anyway for the majority of the week. You're right each time the withdrawals were worse than the time before that. So I just got so sick and tired of being sick and tired. That cycle was exhausting me! So that was when I said enough is enough! I've got to get out of this! I honestly don't think I could endure another withdrawal. I just don't have it in me! That is what is keeping me clean the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to survive another withdrawal or even another cycle of active addiction. I'm positive if I were to relapse again....it would take my life. Because not only did the withdrawals become worse....but the trail of devastation that I left behind was worse! This time it lead me to see the inside of a jail....it almost took my family away too. So that's why I don't want to find out where another relapse would lead me to......my grave maybe?

Anyway, if you can't get your DOC then I suppose that's a good thing. But really think about where you are right now.....and where getting your hands on your DOC again would lead you. Because right now you can think a whole hell of a lot clearer. After you reup your supply....if you choose to....you will be right back into that cycle and all the crap that goes with it. Who knows when you will have another moment if clarity? This next time might be your last. You might not be given another chance to get this right. You see what I'm saying?

All you have to do is turn on the news or pick up a newspaper to see that so many of us have run out of choices.

Remember you do not have to go it alone. Stick around....we are here for you.

cleaninLI

Whoops we were both posting at the same time. Sorry about your Mom Paulos.

Mamahawk

Paulos I'm so sorry about your mom. Have you ever tried a program of any type? You have a disease. Just like any other disease , you need the tools to get well. Very few addicts do it on will power alone. You have to decide if you are done then never look back. You can get great support here. But you may need more.

Paulos

Where I live there aren't many ... programs to assist me unfortunately, meh, and thanks for the info cleanin I get what you mean about where I would be after the freaking weekend, ergh! >_>;... now I gotta go visit my mother in the correctional facility to see what the heck she's talking about regarding money I took from her while she was mentally unstable, can't believe she's bringing up more BS...