YoungAndClean

So tired of loosing to this disease. Whenever I get on my feet and begin to make any progress I give it to the "just a weekend" "one more time" "quick binge" lie and then my life is taken hostage again. Somedays I feel like I am right on the edge of finally getting recovery for the rest of my life. But other days I wonder why when I'm sober my brain trys to convince me to go back this lonely hell-hole of self destruction. I had a really good thing going and I ruined so much of it. I don't know how I will be able to go back to being sober in a bedroom that I have shot dope in. When is enough ******* enough? When will I completely admit to myself that this isn't fun anymore. Killing myself slowly isn't fun anymore, and being so hopelessly addicted to killing myself is just downright evil. I have never felt like such a victim in my entire life. I admit it was my choice to relapse and I admit that there is a solution in the program of AA/NA, I just am so angry that I have to lie to everyone and start taking dirty chips otherwise I'll loose my job and living situation.

I have never wanted to be normal so much in my entire life, I am so sick of drugs occupying my mind and sucking all the resources and things I love away from me. I want to give up. I hate the idea of suicide but I have enough xanax and h to accomplish it were I to do so. Which I doubt I will, I know sobriety is wonderful, but I think I might rather be dead then having to keep coming back to this hellish demons playground. I'm so tired of wanting sobriety on drugs, and wanting drugs on sobriety. I know I'm not alone and I know for a heroin IV addict I can never drink alcohol or use any substance successfully. I want to be happy for my new life in sobriety but I'm not. I'm scared of failing and I'm just such a weak person with very little will-power how am I ever gonna make it? I like living but this ain't living, having a mind constantly tempt me to do bad things that hurt myself and my family. If my family new I relapsed again it would crush them. I have wasted thousands of their dollars on treatment only to get 4 months and decide to use for a weekend, which turned into a month of almost everyday use.

I feel like a bad person, a sick person, a disgusting person, a weak person, a defeated person, and a doomed person. Maybe when I crossed that line into IV heroin I was signing my life away. I've been trying to get sober for the last 4-5 years and the most time I've had was 7 months. But I always go back. I am so disapointed in myself Bluelight, so so very ashamed and dissapointed. Maybe I really am the loser those people in high school said I was. God help me...

Please no phone numbers for suicide hotlines. I am not in need of them.

Dee74

I kept going back to my old life until I wanted to change more than I wanted to stay the same YAC.

what are the factors behind you saying things like 'just a weekend' or 'one more time'...is it fear of missing out, resentment at being different, a lack of other ways to deal with feelings, or something else?

what stops you from using the support you have? pride? fear? stubbornness?

If you can work any of that out you might be able to really get to a solution, YAC.

you're an addicted person. There should be no moral judgements associated with that, although I know it's commonplace to do exactly that.

It took me 15 years to 'get it'. it took me that long because deep sown I didn't really want to stop, I just wanted the bad stuff associated with my drugs of choice to stop.

I had to reach a place of acceptance - that if I stayed clean I would no bad stuff happen and my life would be not only just as good as it ever had been, but better.

That was a pretty huge leap of faith but I give thanks now everyday that I made that leap.

you can do it too YAC - it's not beyond you

D

smc92va

Have you ever tried anything like Suboxone or something like it? I know there is a lot of controversy over getting sober that way, but heroin is sooooo addictive - and maybe if the withdrawal and the body coming off heroin could help your mind get to the right place

YoungAndClean

I have been on suboxone and honestly I would probley get back on it for maybe the first 6 months of recovery but I don't have health insurance and I don't want spend money on a maintenance drug when I have had months of sobriety before without it. I know there is a solution and all I want is to not loose my desire for sobriety once I get some sobriety. I start taking it for granted Dee, and I begin doing old-non drug behaviors and isolating. And then I begin thinking how since life hasn't changed and I'm still doing the same behavior, it's more fun with a beer in my hand. As far as I know my relapsing is because of my unrelenting thirst for pleasure. I cannot deny myself and the worst feeling ever to me is being unable to do something. It makes me want to do it. I need to work on maintaining the importance of sobriety once I get some time, because thats when things are good and I start feeling like I ought to celebrate for a day, or a weekend, then go right back to sobriety. Because time doesnt matter right? It's only about today. Thats the kind of trickey my mind tells me.

Dee74

I really had to wait a while for the full benefits of recovery to be apparent...which sucked at the time, but it is what it is.

I gave years to drinking...but I expected to be 'fixed' in a month. It doesn't compute.

I had to stay sober while my life stayed pretty much the same - I had a lot of debts to cover...I lost all my old friends...I wasn't particularly healthy, and the smallest trouble in my life really knocked me around without drugs or booze to fall back on.

Many times I caught myself thinking whats the point...but I believed the guys here who told me things would get better if I kept the faith, so I did.

That was hard for me. I trusted noone, except perhaps the bottle and it's effects...but I stayed the course cos I hated where I'd ended up.

Support is vital...the days when I did not want to talk to anyone were the days I absolutely had to.

This recovery stuff is tough. Real tough. But not impossible

D

whalebelow

Thought about asking a power greater than yourself for help?


As a former atheist I didn't..... Until booze kicked my bum to the point of being suicidal.

All you have to do is ask

Ashamedof

I'm sorry young, you sound just like me after my 20th relapse in a years time. I've utilized suboxone this time because my cravings were so intense, they always won.
Do you have someone close to you that you trust and can help you get clean again?
Doing it alone is so hard , I've kicked cold turkey alone so many times and I always ended up relapsing because without support, you just feel hopeless and like you said "what's the point?"
Dee is correct in wanting to get clean more than your want for getting high. Looking back on all my failed attempts, I don't think I was ever ready to give up my security blanket. In fact, if I was a very wealthy person? I would probably be dead by now. My brain just wanted more and more, it gets quite greedy.

I understand about feeling pleasure too. I thought it was the only thing that actually made me happy, I'm still working on finding out who I am and what really makes me happy?
Since you've had some clean time, what made you happy?
What did you do that brought you pleasure?
Find those moments again because I'm slowly realizing that without a passion for something besides drugs? Our chances of relapse are so much higher.
If you ever want to talk, Pm me. Hope you feel better.

Mamahawk

Youngandclean how are you doing?

Mamahawk

You don't have to go back young. You can walk away and never look back. You never have to go through this again. After twenty years I walked away. It has tried every trick in the book to get me back. But I'm not going back. You have to decide what you aren't willing to give up for this. For me it was my family. Make the decision. You have the power. YOU. Not the voice in your head.

CynicSaint

I can relate YoungAndClean I'm 35 now and have the best opportunities to get and stay clean and have squandered every last one of them. Truly the prodigal son. I recently left rehab after 9 months clean to start working an amazing job (which I;m at now). Since May 5th (my hire date), I've made and spent over 4,000 dollars on dope. Even my bank put a cap on me making atm withdrawals!!!! I'm currently 2 days clean and I'm scared of everything and everyone, including sobriety and facing up to what I've done. At 35 I have nothing material to show for the sum total of my entire miserable life and were it not for the grace of God I would have been a column in the newspaper at best by now. I wish you the best and I would encourage you to keep posting and seeking help and guidance from men/women and from God himself. Please don't hesitate to message me on this forum...