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Lost and confused and hurt

Old 08-28-2014, 12:39 AM
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Lost and confused and hurt

Hi everyone. I really don't know where to talk about this so I kind of thought here was appropriate.

A few months ago I began dating a man I met online. We don't live very far apart really.

When I met this man, let's call him A just for continuity... He was great. Very attentive. Very interested in me. Very forthcoming and giving and kind. He was the kind of guy that would call me up just to "check in".

I was very impressed with this man for a number of reasons. He is very intelligent. Ambitious. A deep thinker. Kind. Funny. Fun. Generous. Sweet. Sexy. Adorable. Etc you get the point.

I had just come out of a two and a half year abusive relationship with a narcissistic sociopath and so I was hesitant to get in deep at first with this man A.

But, he got to me.

So, for the past few months A and I have been seeing each other on a fairly normal basis. Usually I stay at his place. He has been to mine but it's usually me going to his.

During the course of our relationship, A revealed to me that he did not partake in any substance use that could change his thinking. When he first said this I kind of got the drift that he was in recovery. I didn't remark because I thought he would tell me in his own time. Eventually he did. I was glad he felt he could tell me. I felt it was important to know because I know from experience with others it is a big part of one's life.

So... eventually he shared more of his past with me. His past alcohol problem, past coke dealing, past drug use, past ex's drug use. Violent things in the past due to living in that world. Criminal charges. And the list goes on.

As someone as far removed from any of that as possible, I was a little shocked. I mean, here is this extremely intelligent man. No, he's brilliant. And with this history.

To be honest it freaked me out a little.

But I truly felt a connection with A. I very much enjoyed being with him. And I respected him for many reasons but certainly especially the difficult struggle to be in recovery.

So I didn't expect to be wondering if he's back on something. But here we are.

About a month ago A stopped calling like he had been. He kind of disappeared for a week. Naturally I thought maybe he had lost interest. I asked and he said of course not. He said he was just feeling ill. I felt silly for worrying. Eventually he invited me over again. When I went, he seemed to have head congestion. Sniffling and runny nose symptoms. There was also a pack of sudafed on the table which later seems odd to me that someone with that history would be using sudafed for a head cold but I digress...

That night our relations fizzled out for the first and only time and he was upset about it but I played it off. Can happen to anyone. I chalked it up to him being sick and stressed and we moved on.

From that point on, things got murkier. When I first went to A's place it was typical bachelor pad messy. I thought it was cute after being with a crazy nut who literally shined the faucets. But over the past month A's place has become a total mess. I mean just water bottles and dirty laundry and things everywhere even if the trash can is a foot away. I know people get busy but this was beginning to take me aback. It was obvious to me that the bathroom hadn't been cleaned for some time. I mean... it was weirdly getting worse.

A does work a couple jobs so I cut him some slack. But I also found out (from him)he had been not going into work so often for the month. Yet he was adamantly busy. And the place remained a mess.

For about a month, A's behavior towards me was erratic. One day he'd be wonderful. The next he would ignore me. He started going far away on weekends for one job. It made me uncomfortable because it meant he would not be around all weekend. But I trusted him not to fool around so I do believe it was just work.

One night he contacted me very late to comment on how people were crazy. I figured maybe the people he was working with were out partying. I tried to lighten the mood in text. I figured he was uncomfortable and was flattered he got ahold of me when he was thinking of being home. We didn't discuss details but I did try to make him feel better. And so the next time I went to A's place, I asked him about it while we laid in bed to go to sleep. He proceeded to tell me how his coworkers are all addicts of one kind or another and basically that he wished he didn't need to spend all his time with them while working in that area.

Weirdly over the next few eeeks I noticed a NEW box of sudafed show up. No head cold though. And a pair of leather gloves beside them. In the summer. I really didn't think anything of it. Just wondered why there were gloves out in summer.

So... Our relationship was progressing well enough. A had said I could bring a coffee pot for my overnights since I need my coffee in the morning. I was excited...

Suddenly though he started getting quiet again. Then one night I had to hound him to see if I could come up. In between our communications that night were long stretches of silence, garbled messages, and it took him fifteen to twenty minutes to "just call me".

Normally I would suspect another woman but I just dont. A isn't that guy.

Apparently that night his ex had called him about a legal issue and he was supposedly on the phone with her. His ex was an addict remember. He hadn't had much to do with her for like two years to my understanding.

So eventually I did get there and A was really weird. I walked into a dark apartment. He was already in bed. After our lovemaking he got extremely quiet and seemed totally exhausted. I pulled him down to me and he just collapsed on me for a bit. Totally unlike him. He eventually rolled over and literally passed right out. Like immediately. Now... I know this can happen but never this quick. It was WEIRD.

I laid there pissed off. So pissed off I started texting my mother to get myself to calm down. Eventually I mellowed out. I got comfortable and laid my arm over his. He was completely soaked in cold freezing sweat. And so still I thought he wasn't breathing. I shook him awake to ask if he was ok and he said he was. He seemed ok so I let it go. He had been working out and "taking supplements" and he seemed fine in the morning.

That's another thing. He suddenly completely stopped eating actual food and began this.. shake thing. I swear he's dropped 35 lbs in a month.

So... I was leaving for a vacation without A. And there were things i wanted to do for him before i left. He knew i would be gone for at least two weeks (he had expressed annoyance I hadn't invited him). So I thought I would hear from him. Well the days wore on. No A.

Finally I was actually worried and said if I didn't hear from him I was coming up.

He responded soon and said he was sorry just really busy.

I was a little put off that he got back to me when I "threatened" to visit. I told him that. No response. Then I asked if he was upset with me. His response was that he didn't have time to talk "to [me]" right now. So, my response was snippy.

That is the last I heard from him despite attempting to reach out.

I tried knocking on his door tonight. I've been worried. No answer even though the light was on and car was home. Not a peep inside.

I trust A as a man not to be a player. I just don't think he is.

So I thought.. did he relapse?

I was very hurt that he ignored me at the door. So I called and left a message saying I was done and that he would have to call me when he figures out what happened to make things change.

I just can't believe this and as someone with literally no experience with drugs... I don't know what to think.

Is this usual behavior? Am I way off base?

And edited to add: I meant to post this in friends and family but by the time I typed it out was logged out and must've pulled up the wrong forum. My apologies for that.
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Old 08-28-2014, 02:25 AM
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Hi pretty blond,

Welcome to SR. Sorry for what brings you here. I know you mentioned that you posted in the wrong section, but I'll respond anyway. I believe you can request it to be moved over there...or you could copy it and post it in that section too.

Well, it looks like he's relapsed. I'm not sure what his DOC was though.....do you know? Just the crazy sporadic behavior of his....the weight loss....the unkept house......those are all indicators that he's picked up again. One thing they always say in the friends and family section is follow your gut feeling....it is rarely wrong.

I think many times the signs are there.....but our heart doesn't want to see them. It wants to make-up excuses for him.....it wants to say there must be a logical reason or all these things happening.....it can't be drugs.....it just can't be. Which is probably why you kept hanging on to your relationship.

But finally his not responding to you at all......is very hard to excuse isn't it? That man you knew when you first met.....would never do the things he's doing now right? So his behavior is completely different isn't it?

I guess the best thing you can do is to move on.....although I know it's very hard to do....but I'm sure you do not want to be going out with a man in active addiction.....that's not a life for you. I'm not sure if you know any of his family members? If you even want to involve them....but he needs serious help. If he's gone down that far in that short amount of time.....he's going to need help getting back on track ASAP. He might need inpatient rehab who knows?

Big hugs (((prettyblond))) I know you are hurting!
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:02 AM
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I'm sorry pretty blonde but it does look like he is back in full addiction...with the gloves and sudafed, I'm thinking meth? Was that the drug he was addicted to? The unkept home, missing work, ignoring his responsibilities, the cold sweats etc. you know in your heart what's happening and you don't want this chaotic, unstable life..trust me.
You deserve much better, ok? I know it hurts but run now ! Him ignoring you is probably the best thing for you.
As far as him cheating? People do all kinds of immoral things while in active addiction..I wouldn't put that past him. The weight loss? It sounds like meth.

I know you want closure, but that won't really change much, you know?

Again, I'm sorry but look at it as a learning experience and you'll know the signs next time, you can quickly move on... Good luck.
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Old 08-28-2014, 04:02 PM
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Thanks to the both of you. I was up all night trying to understand or at least feel better about everything. Of course there's no feeling better about this really. So I just had a rough night.

I know I did the best thing for me. It hurts very badly but I can't be involved in the scary situations I know I could be put in.

I guess I'm saddest that this wonderful person is gone because of a substance. A chemical. I don't understand why and I hate that the good person that is there has to suffer with the addict.

We didn't discuss his drug use at length. He said he'd done many. Said he'd sold coke. I believe he said he'd done it, or smoked it. I know his ex was into meth... He never said if he had been. I do know he had issues with alcohol... and he had the NA book in his apartment. So...

I just... I've stayed away from drugs my whole life. My only drug is cigarettes. I know they're terrible... but I have zero experience with any substance abuse Other than that. I've been very lucky that if I tried anything ever I didn't get hooked. Granted I didn't do the biggies. I don't know. But in general I know very little about it. And I'm so used to being treated badly for other reasons that well... my first thought was I was being tossed aside for someone else.

I just don't think so. I'm pretty sure he relapsed. Don't get me wrong... I understand that cheating could have occurred once this behavior began. That breaks my heart too, in a thousand pieces. I feel bad leaving but if he won't share with me there is nothing I can do.

I feel like the man I fell for is dead and it is an awful feeling.

I don't know his family. I don't even know if they know he was in recovery or ever had a problem.

I just don't know. I'm very hurt. I hope someday he can respect me enough and clean up again to apologize but I don't know. I do hope he gets help if I'm right. I hate thinking of him wasting it all for this.
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Old 08-28-2014, 04:17 PM
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Have you thought about face to face support? There are meetings for family and friends of addicts, I'm sure they would welcome you with open arms....help you get thru this. Maybe just knowing others are in the same boat and can support you will help ease your pain!

I wish I could say for a fact that it wasn't drugs but all those things you've mentioned points to active addiction.

So sorry!
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Old 08-28-2014, 05:41 PM
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Hey pretty blond,

I know 100% how you feel. The situation with my guy was a bit different since it was long distance and we were not in a real relationship, but we liked each other. But so many things you wrote, seem very familiar to me.
His behavior towards me changed, he started to ignore me, everything became weird. I also thought he had someone else. He was not the man anymore that he was when we met. When I was about to go to his country, and we were supposed to meet he tried to end our thing first with weird reasons and when I reached out to talk about it, he told me that he's a recovering addict and has relapsed. In the end, he ended it so he could focus on his recovery. As your A, my guy is very intelligent, very talented and just a wonderful person. I couldn't believe either that this guy was gone due to addiction. Like you I was never exposed to drugs, i don't even smoke. I could go on and on, our situations are very similar. So i know all those feelings you feel right now. I've felt them too.
As the others said it is very likely that he relapsed. I can't really tell you what to do. I think as long he's in active addiction you're better off without him. It's too unstable, too painful and too dangerous. But since i'm still in the same boat as you, i guess i can't say what's the right thing is to do. My advice is read around the threads here. learn about addiction, so you can understand it a bit better. It helped me. Other than that, it's difficult. It sucks very much and it hurts and it's scary. Maybe it helps that it's not your A that's doing this to you. It's the addiction, so try not to take it too personal.
Yeah, as i said i can't give you much of advice, but i wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that i understand what you're going through! I hope that helps a bit! Lots of hugs for you!
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Old 08-28-2014, 06:02 PM
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My husband is an A. The cold meds is weird, tho.

I was thinking meth, too. That might explain why he would go for days without taking to you. He may have been "crashing". That is my Hs DOC and when he is getting ready to hit his crash, he is the devil. Aggressive, distant, verbally abusive and just an ahole all the way around. Then will sleep for days. Like 3 or 4 non stop. Its a waste of a wonderful person trapped inside. Waste of a great life he really has, but can't seem to quit feeling sorry for himself long enough to see it.

I hope this is not the case for you. But in any case it sounds like relapse. Hugs to you!
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Old 08-29-2014, 05:39 PM
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I hadn't thought about actually going to any support meetings. I don't know that I have any further cause. I haven't heard one word from him.

I'm still concerned. I care about the man. I'm just not sure what's going on. I just don't know what else to think. It really seems to me that his behavior completely changed.

I don't know what his DOC was. The sudafed certainly can be used in meth and his ex was supposedly into meth. But he didn't tell me he was. I feel like it's not a big leap to assume he would be into it if she was but what do I know?

In any event I felt terrible for being mean and sent him a message today telling him I meant what I said but I care and if he wants to talk about what's going on he can get ahold of me.

It's just hard. I don't know what's what.

I've been talking to very few friends about it because I don't know what's going to happen and I wouldn't want to divulge his personal stuff to people he may one day meet.

I came here more so I guess because I thought I was seeing things how I wanted to or maybe jumping to conclusions. As someone unused to addictive behavior I just didn't know who to ask...
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Old 08-29-2014, 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by prettyblond View Post
I hope someday he can respect me enough and clean up again to apologize but I don't know. I do hope he gets help if I'm right. I hate thinking of him wasting it all for this.
Run, don't walk and block his calls. Junkies and alcoholics in active addiction cannot be trusted. They lie to everyone including themselves - constantly. Most of the time, they may even believe what they tell you!

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Pray for him, but move on - quickly. You survived another abusive relationship and have only known this guy for a few months.

You will get a lot of advice on here - some good, some bad. Not saying mine is either - that is up to you.

BUT - be true to yourself!

peace
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Old 08-29-2014, 06:29 PM
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Prettyblond I understand what you mean. But I really think it would help you to talk to others face to face. Or maybe a private therapist? Maybe help you work thru your grief? Because the end of a relationship is very much like a death! It's the same type of grief. It takes time to come to a place of acceptance. You could even be suffering from some PTSD. Not that I'm diagnosing you or anything. But I've heard that what you have experienced can be such a huge shock that it can be considered a traumatic experience. You have probably lost trust with the world too. It's sort of similar to the effects of gas-lighting. Addicts are famous for gas-lighting their loved ones. It's like you knew something was up....but he refused to acknowledge what was going on. He pretended that everything was ok....but you knew in your gut it wasn't. So you start to doubt yourself....stop trusting yourself too. All of these things can take a huge toll on your emotional and mental health.

Just some ideas for you to think about. But I'm glad you are talking about it here....this is a safe place.
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Old 08-29-2014, 07:08 PM
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Pretty, I really feel you should RUN too. I know you want closure, you care and you're confused, I get that, trust me. You just seem like a sweet girl that's been walked on a few too many times in her life and now is the time you should stand up and say enough. You deserve the best, not an addict. I'm an addict in recovery and I'm living with an alcoholic husband..it's hard. We do things we never thought we would just for a fix. Lying, stealing, cheating, manipulating, using, destroying anything and anyone that crosses our path..just to get a fix. Addiction is such a strong disease. I feel it's early enough in the relationship that you'll get over it quickly (I pray) rather than end up spending a few years in a chaotic , abusive, destructive and drama filled relationship. You don't want to end up in jail because you were pulled over and he had drugs on him or you end up hurt over a drug deal gone wrong. It's a nasty and dangerous lifestyle and you don't want this, I promise you.

I personally wouldn't even text him anymore, you've already texted him, and went to his place and you've gotten no response, that's your answer right there.
You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, you know?
If he does contact you, then what? He will likely lie, give you some sob story and you take him back only to find yourself even deeper with this guy 6 months down the road.
He is a small fish in a big pond.
I saw that you wrote "in case he meets my friends in the future" that tells me that you're willing to take back a guy that has ignored you, not texted you back and hasn't made an efforts to show you he even cares...even if it's not drugs, is this the kind of guy you want?
Never chase a man.
If someone wants you in their life, they will prove it and show you.
I really wish you luck and I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
Don't forget, you deserve better!
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Old 08-29-2014, 09:37 PM
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I am alcoholic in recovery. When I was drinking actively, it was mostly alone at home. The first sign to my girlfriend that I was drinking was how messy my apartment was. I totally neglect cleaning and personal hygiene while on a binge. That is often a sign of someone being in the throes of addiction.
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