Mamahawk

No one around me knows the lonely battle I fight. It's so simple to my family. Just say no. They don't know that everyday there is an epic war raging in my head. I tell myself I am a fighter. I am fierce and strong. I am unbreakable. I tell myself not to dial that number, not to make that drive. The voice whispers "are you? Are really unbreakable? I've broken you before, I can do it again." To which I say "Only if I let you". How does a person stay same with all this crazy talk in their head? I wish my family knew what I wake up thinking everyday. What my brain is saying as I make the bed, get breakfast, do the laundry, get my son started on his classes, run the errands, get them dinner....Just under the surface of all this beautiful life going on, a monster whispers, whispers, whispers...When will it figure out I have found my power, my will to LIVE? yes Yes YES YES! I am stronger than you! If you try to get me you will be surprised at the fight I have in me. Because I choose LIFE. Beautiful LIFE. I choose my husbands love and my boys smiles. I choose the light in their eyes when they look at me. I choose to value my self. I choose hoping my dad can see me from heaven and knows I finally made it. I choose getting to know my mom again. I choose to fight. I accept the challenge. I AM UNBREAKABLE, you just don't know it yet.

Mamahawk

Addiction: TWENTY YEARS

Clean: 104 Days

One day I'll outnumber you!

Mamahawk

If you are reading this and you are wondering if you can do it...YOU have the POWER in you. You do. It's buried under a lot if junk right now. It's being crushed by the drugs, the lies, the pain, the hate you feel for yourself and the trouble you are in. So Dig. Dig and take back your power. You CAN do it. I know you can.

Marcus

Hey Mama - I am not on the forums as much as I used to be, but noticed you decided to say goodbye a few days ago and now seem to be struggling. Recovery is not a straight line and trust me I go from thinking I am cured one minute to being scared SH*TLESS that I can't go another second without a fix. It is what it is and fear is a big thing that keeps us using.

Different strokes for different folks yes, but expecting family or friends to completely understand and help pull us out is naive and not saying that as a dig. It is just the truth. Only an addict can understand the absolute insane thinking that an addict goes thru. I am not saying you have to run out and hit meetings 3 times a day (although it has proven to save many an addict) pulling back from support of those who have been there done that can be downright dangerous for many of us.

I don't know YOU but trust me I know YOU and YOUR ADDICTION better than most of your friends or family who might have known you for 20, 30, or 40 years or more. It is just a fact that addicts know how sick and twisted our thoughts and actions can be. Completely irrational and insane, but to us feels normal.

So before you pull away and think you are ready to make a run for it on your own or start having irrational thoughts please just stop and take a breath. Your addiction will do that to you - make you feel like isolating or running for cover and screaming NO NO NO I JUST CAN'T DO THIS!!! I have over 2 years clean (which by the way is a blink of an eye compared to many of my friends in recovery) and trust me I still have those moments and days and even weeks. Stick with what is working - don't give up. I mean the alternative is complete and utter hell and you know this. Your addiction wants you to forget BUT YOU KNOW THIS! IT IS A FACT! Yes maybe not a scientific can be proven without a doubt fact, but that is addiction. Don't repeat the past - you know where that will take you.

You are doing great! Give yourself a break! Take CARE!!!!

Mamahawk

Marcus,
It's like you have a window into my soul. As a fellow addict I guess you do. Every single thing you say is true. I am struggling. But tonight I realized what I am doing and I'm taking back my power. I am helpless on my own. I need you all. I need this support and understanding. I NEED to be with the only other people in the work who understand what I am going through. I can't do this alone.

Mamahawk

When I am on my own I start to go to the dark places in my mind. It's not as easy to fight my triggers. Of which I've had many. I won't make that mistake again. I am not well enough to leave my support. I've got a surgery coming up and I can't do it without SR. I was supposed to see the surgeon today to get scheduled, but I panicked and canceled. If I had been here I might have been able to go through with it. I just drive around fighting the urge to dial that number.

Marcus

I was posting after your first post before I saw your others and was hoping you were not going to take offense to my words. Trust me I have been right where you are - struggling one minute then feeling confident the next and just not sure what to make of it all. Trust me you are on the path - you are right where you need to be. That is the crazy thing about addiction because so many people who relapse if they just held on another day might have made it. I can count dozens of times where I just held on for dear life which might have been the one that sent me back into hell. That is why recovery / sobriety is so precious. The addict voice tells us oh what is one time - it is not the end of the world - I will get back on track. No - that is all many of us have - one time and all bets are off - who knows where we end up. I am not saying for medical reasons - but we all know when we are taking pills to get high or for a true reason. For me when I pop a pill or pick up a needle it is all about getting high and escaping life. So good for you for realizing just how precious your recovery is. You are doing it! You are riding the bike! Keep on keeping on and keep reaching out and being honest. Because a little lie turns into another and another and before you know it you don't know what is up or down and your back into full on addiction. You deserve better! You deserve more!! Take Care hon!!!

Mamahawk

You didn't say Anything offensive Marcus! All I see is honesty, truth and support. Thank you for that because that us what I need. When you get a few days under your belt you can start to feel confident. I want to be confident but it is to soon and I have to much ahead of me. 104 days is nothing compared to twenty years. It only took me a few days to realize I can not do this alone. I have found I am strong but I am still weak to. And I want others to know they can fight this battle with me.

Mamahawk

Two years is amazing Marcus. I know if you did it, so can I. I can fight for one more day. And then another and another. Every single day I can say I MADE it!

whalebelow

Imagine someone you loved had a "thing" for putting their hand on a hot stove.

Each time they did that, they got burnt.

But they kept on doing it ... each time they "thought" it was going to be different this time .... they thought "I won't get a big nasty burn this time" .... but they did get burnt and everyone else knew exactly what was going to happen, but the person who kept burning themselves, just would not listen to them when they said "Don't do it, you'll get burnt again"

Now, if you actually knew someone like that ... you'd think "this person seems to be NUTS possibly a bit insane"

That's you & the addictive voice. Its a type of insanity.

As Albert Einstein said "The definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over and over again & expecting a different result"

Don't repeat a failed experiment over & over again.

It's not always easy but it is worth it.

Mamahawk

Wow Whalebelow that's a great way to put things in perspective. It is insane to them. I'm surprised they all stuck around all these years. They are very forgiving of me. I just can't talk to them the wAy I can here, to other addicts. I know I probably don't understand what they went through watching me self destruct. I'm going to show them what you wrote. I can see the head nodding already!

whalebelow

I'm glad that helped you & hopefully it will help your loved ones to understand what your addiction is.

My wife knows I have a voice in my head, she can't hear it or see it or even understand it, but she knows it is there.

Some one once told me this acronym

F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real

The voice presents false evidence & hopes you'll think it is real.

As a Mom, you can probably relate to this scenario ... A 3 year old child with chocolate spread from ear to ear, all over their face looking you straight in the eye & telling you "It wasn't me, I didn't eat all the chocolate"

That's how stupid the little voice in your head thinks & hopes that you are LOL

If my little voice tries to pop up from time to time to persuade me of anything, I like to use that mental picture to laugh at it

Mamahawk

Its funny but It's so true! I've been that three yr old so many times. My husband said that was the worst thing. Seeing me stare at him and lie, lie , and lie some more when he knew I was guilty. To him the lying was the worst betrayal of all. I really can't believe he is still around.

I really like your approach to analyzing addiction Whale. You are a genius!!

Lostinhk

Thanks Mama, that's a great post.

Sometimes I think about our battles and how they can be so similar in some ways and completely different in others. This is day 48 for me and things are so up and down for me. I don't even really have an AV anymore, and even in the first week of withdrawals I had no urge to take pills at all, I even kept a bottle for several days "just in case" but never touched it until i flushed it.

For me now the battle raging in my head is one of anxiety and depression. Wanting ever so badly to feel better but just having depression pull me down every day, and for some reasons it's worse in the morning but gets better as the day goes on. It's basically all I think about and it's soul crushing.

Anyway Mama, thanks again for your post. You're doing amazing. 104 days after that many years is a huge accomplishment. I know you're going to win your battle dear.

Mamahawk

Lost I think it's a good sign the depression better as the day goes on. Believe me I feel the same thing in the morning. I really have to force myself to get going. I literally start doing things a soon as I step out of the bed. I don't give the depression a chance to set so to say. It's normal to feel this way. I still get some anxiety also. Quite a lot actually. It's a battle but we can't let the enemy win. Our battles are different but we are all fighting for the same thing.

Mamahawk

Oh yeah Lost, 48 days is flipping amazing!!

Mags1

Hi Mama, sorry for what you're going through. I see us all like swans, calm and serene on top and pedalling like 'fury' underneath.

For me after the cravings for booze is learning to live without picking up for any reason at all, celebrations, bad days, good days, I always want to reward myself.

It seems an every day part of life and we have to be aware of slipping all the time. It's not an obsession, just like knowing if we rush across a busy road we most probably would get hurt. It's there, we're aware of the road, but know it's dangers.

Take care mama, we're here for you just maybe not all at the same time with our time zones.x

Mamahawk

Thank you Mags. I really love the swan story. It's beautiful. A lady down the road from me has two swans in her pond. Now every time I see them I will think of this. (And of you!) gosh the word are just so beautiful and true...Calm and serene on top but pedaling like 'fury' underneath. I think I need to write that down and put it somewhere I can see it everyday. We have to be so strong. I have so many reasons to stay clean and NO reasons to use. I think our reward is getting to step out of the shadows and live in the light.

Mamahawk

After 20 yrs I feel like I have awakened from a coma. I have so much to learn about life and how to live.

Mags1

Know what you mean, I think, ' where have I been all my grown up life, who am I ' , it's so wierd sometimes but we just gotta keep on and be happy, that even with all our ups and downs we haven't given in to our addiction.

Take care, mama.lots of people here love you and sending love and good spirit to you.xx