RedManc7

Hi all, I've been on here before, each time I try and come off I get sucked back in and life in General gets worse. For about the 5th time this year I've managed 3 days off heroin thanks to lots of subs, Xanax, codeine Etc. Even with 32mgs of suboxone on weds I couldn't get out of bed all day. Been addicted to heroin for about 3 years now. I always seem to get to day 4 or 5, I don't feel too bad (just had another sub) but the wolves are howling in my mind. I've already forgotten how bad the last 2 days have been (I still look and feel like **** but I'm used to that) I can feel myself mentally committing to use tomorrow morning. I'm visualising scoring, the warm feeling when i use, none of the bad **** like the state of my relationships, work, life generally. Sick of getting to day 4 or 5 and cracking. Cos another cycle of insanity will begin, not able to go to work till I've smoked $300 worth of gear, feeling sick if I don't, walking around in la la land when I do. I hate being an addict. I've always had problems with drink/drugs but it's never ****** my life quite up like this has. I'm 40 next year and it scares and depresses me when I look at life. **** me is it all worth this????

Lostinhk

Get the using thoughts out of your head, you're talking yourself into it.

The only thing you can do it push through it. I stocked up on an incredible amount of vitamins and supplements（no prescriptions) for the first week of my withdrawal and managed to get through it. Day 41 now and I am feeling pretty good.

My DOC was codeine and they say codeine WD's last longer than heroin. If you can get to that 5th day and get through it then you will be a lot closer to feeling better. Take a week off work if you need to, I did.

All the best mate, you can recover if you really want to, and we are all here to offer support.

Ashamedof

Hey red, you can absolutely beat this ugly addiction. It's brought nothing but chaos into our lives and the only way out is either beating it and telling it goodbye forever or it will eventually kill you. I'm clean 15 days after my oxycodone addiction escalated to 300mg a day which costed me $300 a day! I wiped out all the credit cards, I'm in major debt, bill collectors harass me daily, any money we had saved is gone. I'm lucky we could afford the rent , lights, cable.... I'm on suboxone this time as I'm a chronic relapser like you and it's working quite well. Cravings are slowly going away more and more and I started working out recently too. You said you took 32mg and still couldn't get out of bed? Are you seeing a dr for the suboxone?? I think less is more with suboxone and sometimes the higher doses can make you feel quite sick. Do you have any kind of support right now? It's really hard to do this alone. You need clean family and friends around you, helping you ! Give them your cell phone or better yet just change your number! Getting a text was always a trigger for me. Give someone close to you your car keys do you can't go score.
Find a local meeting and talk to the old timers in the group, they have all been where we are and can offer words of wisdom.
You can do it Red! When I think of using, I immediately think of all the bad it brings me and it slowly goes away. Our brains are trying to trick us into using, it's trying to control us but you're stronger than that evil voice..,think of all the money wasted, the debt, your health, your relationships, the constant withdrawals cause we always run out!

Keep posting, we're here for you!

RedManc7

Cheers for kind words and support. I am from England live in oz so no family here. Will post when energy back but I just needed to say what I was thinking and I really appreciate hearing good things back. X. Another day clean. Subs are from street (it's complicated) can't face doctors.

Marcus

I turned 40 3 months ago so know the feeling. Thankfully I turned 40 with around 2 years clean from shooting 2 grams of raw a day. I wish I could tell you the exact steps you need to get out, but it is not that simple. All I can say is to keep trying - took me close to 10 years to finally get out from under that evil ****. Had plenty of 1 month, 2 month, even 6 month stints off dope but it was never because I truly WANTED to be off more just the feeling that I HAD to quit.

Until I completely owned my addiction I was never going to get long term sobriety. I always had an excuse as to why I needed to use or deserved to use. I am not saying many of us have not been through horrible experiences or childhoods etc., but until I was finally ready to say I am killing myself and sure I can reach out for help, but until I truly want to help myself I am never going to get better. No one can watch me 24-7 so unless I quit schemeing and taking short cuts or the easy way out I am just screwing myself.

I felt like I was destined to die that way and honestly probably deserved to. Finally I was just able to hold onto the bad memories and realize using ONCE - just ONCE was going to send me back to hell. There was no just one time or chipping a bit because it ALWAYS lead back to banging massive amounts each and every day.

I am praying for you RM7. All I can say is it can get better and will get better. There is a life without dope. It is going to be a fight, but can be the most rewarding thing you have EVER DONE! Take Care!!!

Twofish

Hey RedMan,
Please don't give up! That addictive voice is screaming at you to use and ignore any support offered to you.
Listen to Marcus, he is a very wise man and has helped many of us understand that pull of addiction. The addict or the one who loves the addict, addiction affects us all.
I too will pray for you and support you while you fight the demon.
TF

soberjuly

so happy you didn't go to your dealer...

maggie2015

Red-you're so worth it you can fight this -keep on plowing forward! You're an inspiration Thank you!
Maggie

RedManc7

Thanks for the kind words people. If only I could understand why I am like I am! Where these thoughts come from, what drives it. It's hard but I won't give up :-)

soberclover

Don't ever give up! When I got clean I found it really hard but truly necessary to change the places I hung out and the people I hung out with. I isolated myself except for when I went to NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meetings. Meetings may not be a reality for you but I suggest reading the literature this group has published. It was nice reading something that actually had to do with drug use and not alcohol use written by people who thought like me.

RedManc7

I won't give up sober clover I know I need to go to NA otherwise I'll keep stumbling at the 4/5 day mark. I went on holiday to Cape Town for 3 weeks at Xmas, had my subs for first few days but went on a huge alcohol and coke binge every day i was there. Here after 4 days clean I always seem to end up boozing, then getting on coke, then scoring the next day to take away the pain. Ridiculous. Can't go on like this. I hate it.

HeroinSucks

Hi redmanc7
I too am trying to rid myself of heroin. Ive lowered my doses as i keep giving up every 16 to 24 hours. Been only smoking a .2 to .4 a day if i do. But im broke so its probably a good thibg i am so i dont go score. Its been 4 hours since my last use. So i defiantly know how you feel. Im trying to go cold turkey so i dont prolong my withdrawals and ive been dopesick plenty of times.

One thing you should know. Suboxone is stronger opiate than heroin and has a longer half life amd the withdrawals are just as bad if not worst cus it lasts longer. Ive tried the sub route and gotten withdrawals bad even only using it for a week amd a half. Be careful with it. And 32 mgs is way too much, ive never seen anyone take that and shouldnt take that much. 8 to 16 mg should be the max for starting dose and lower from there.

I wish you the best and hopefully wr can get through this together buddy