How was your day? Part 6
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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my Hubby says Iam this silly bubble that is in the way all the time. hahahah running circles around him... have not heard anymore from the doctor on my tests.. so as they say If it ain't broke don't fix it. go team go...
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That's awesome TE! I remember how hard it was for you to get up out of bed. Too much pain...remember? This is a HUGE accomplishment! Did you vow to never be that weak again? I did! I was so sick and weak those first few weeks that I vowed I would never let myself become like that again! Not if I can help it. Because I consider that I did that to myself because when I was taking pills I didn't concern myself with my diet and exercise. I put all those dangerous chemicals in my body! It's different when we become weak due to illness or injury that was out of our control. But even then, keeping up with exercise and nutrition will aid in bouncing back quicker too...if and when that happens. 
I'm so proud for you TE!!!!
Final you are another of our strong and fit members. That crossfit looks like some serious exercise! No way I could do it....but would love to get moving more and build up to it.
Gnarly you are going well with your exercise routine too...love how you incorporate meditation.
Eyes always a pleasure to see you! Thanks you make me feel so much better. I'm human last I checked! Gotta remind myself of that.
Ardy hope your day is a good one.
To all you lovely people on this thread! Thank you!
I'm so proud for you TE!!!!
Final you are another of our strong and fit members. That crossfit looks like some serious exercise! No way I could do it....but would love to get moving more and build up to it.
Gnarly you are going well with your exercise routine too...love how you incorporate meditation.
Eyes always a pleasure to see you! Thanks you make me feel so much better. I'm human last I checked! Gotta remind myself of that.
Ardy hope your day is a good one.
To all you lovely people on this thread! Thank you!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
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2 days just 2 days and my Daughter flies home from England for a visit and christmas.. some one scream she will be ok.. I am so Jewish at times. and with all the crap in the world a bunch of me is Pacing in Poland in my Heart... she will be alright I pray.. and know that with so many of you out there the Angels on high watching from so far will make sure her plane is safe with so many others this Christmas 2014... hugs all ardy...
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Prayers going up for your daughter's safe travel home. Also for final's safe journey home for Christmas too.
Yes TE you made that vow and have stuck it out! I think that is a large portion of why you have been successful. You have discovered the benefits of healthy living. You never want to turn back to that weak time in your life. Its my opinion that for all of us maintaining our recoveries that if we can figure out what we want out of life, such as health, a happy family life, wealth, career we enjoy, spiritual connection, a community connection...our little niche or happy place in life.....whatever..that we will work toward that and want that more than the escape from life that our DOC provided. So I think creating and maintaining a happy, fullfilling life is nessesary for our success.
Honestly, when I wake up each morning I am grateful to be alive and clean and sober! This excitement I have I never had when on pills. Life is too short to waste it numb and in a fog. I wish everyone here that enthusiasm that you can only have off the drugs.
If you are struggling...just try to figure out what makes you happy. Strive toward that.
Yes TE you made that vow and have stuck it out! I think that is a large portion of why you have been successful. You have discovered the benefits of healthy living. You never want to turn back to that weak time in your life. Its my opinion that for all of us maintaining our recoveries that if we can figure out what we want out of life, such as health, a happy family life, wealth, career we enjoy, spiritual connection, a community connection...our little niche or happy place in life.....whatever..that we will work toward that and want that more than the escape from life that our DOC provided. So I think creating and maintaining a happy, fullfilling life is nessesary for our success.
Honestly, when I wake up each morning I am grateful to be alive and clean and sober! This excitement I have I never had when on pills. Life is too short to waste it numb and in a fog. I wish everyone here that enthusiasm that you can only have off the drugs.
If you are struggling...just try to figure out what makes you happy. Strive toward that.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Thats an excellent point. We all have to find that thing that we can pour addictive energy into. I really think its a must in order to stay on the right path. You cant just quit dope and then expect everything to be automagically better.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boston, MA
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Clean, TE - I also think you hit the nail on the head, but for me this is where I'm having a problem. Just a few weeks ago as I was dragging myself out of bed (or chair as it is, I sleep in a recliner) yet again I thought to myself - what would make you excited to get up in the morning? I thought about it all day - anything, no holds barred (if time, money, et al. were no issue). I came up with nothing. Could not come up with a single thing that I would look forward to, that I would want to get out of bed for. The one good thing is that includes drugs - which probably would have made the list at one time. Anyway, that is what I am searching for right now. What will make me truly happy? I don't have the answer now, other than letting life play out and hoping that I can figure out what will give it meaning for me. Sounds pitiful I know, but it's like I lost the zest for life. So much has changed that simply looking back to what once made me happy (which was so long ago) isn't going to work for me. I need to be a new me. I really think that therapy will help with this and I am really looking forward to it.
That said, I had a close call the last few days. My newest ailment appears to be endometriosis and I have been in constant pain the past few weeks. Did not know what it was other than a pain in my side. I knew I had a scan coming up, so I just hung on. I went over my symptoms with my oncologist and he is the one that gave me the tentative diagnosis. I have a doctor's appointment next week, so again I figured would just hang on...didn't think I'd get anything much sooner anyway with the holidays and all. Anyway, the past few days the pain spiked to an excruciating level - and fitting to the diagnosis it was as a cycle hit and common for the pain to increase I guess. It got so bad my mother wanted me to go to the ER and I did think about it. But I don't think there would have been much they could have done other than treat my pain. Treat my pain....oh I thought about it....being given IV dilaudid like they did with my gall bladder. I also thought how that would quickly send me right back down the rabbit hole I worked so hard to get out of. Happy to say that I rode it out with ibuprofen, rest, and a heating pad. Happy to say the pain is back down to a more manageable level today. And it was thinking of the strength of the folks here that helped me to make the right decision. Obviously this is something I will need to get treatment for, but proud of myself for not giving in...for gritting my teeth and getting through it. True pain is my kryptonite - gets my AV really going. Have always given in easily to it - because it's so easily justifiable. And you know what - for a "normal" person it would be the fair answer to the situation. But I ruined that for myself because I only know how to abuse - not how to use. So I'm going to have to put up with more pain than others, but that's just how it is for me now. I get that now. That's my reality now. It stinks, but it is what it is.
TE - couldn't help myself
I think it every time I see your avatar. Honestly, I thought of you these past few days. I've told you before that your resolve towards opiates impresses me. I want that strength you had. And I think I found a piece of it. Your words have helped me, truly.
Clean - glad to hear you have realized that you're human Because you are always being super human, super mom, super wife. It's inspiring...you are always doing so much for others. And I think you sometimes feel like you need to be "super" all the time to make up for your past. And maybe you feel like you can't be as kind to yourself as a sort of penance. I'm speculating of course, but you have been such a good friend to me, so kind and inspirational to me. I just want to see you turn that on yourself. Because you so deserve it. You so deserve it.
FinalTime - still hanging in there? Think you are probably traveling - or maybe you are back in the states now? Hope all is going well with you.
Ardy, hope your daughter made her trip safely. I am also terrified of flying so I understand your anxiety over that. Hope you are all celebrating together now.
Gnarly, sounds like all is going well. So happy for you! All that connecting with the outdoors has to be spiritual. It sounds wonderful.
Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. As much as I personally can not wait for it to pass
That said, I had a close call the last few days. My newest ailment appears to be endometriosis and I have been in constant pain the past few weeks. Did not know what it was other than a pain in my side. I knew I had a scan coming up, so I just hung on. I went over my symptoms with my oncologist and he is the one that gave me the tentative diagnosis. I have a doctor's appointment next week, so again I figured would just hang on...didn't think I'd get anything much sooner anyway with the holidays and all. Anyway, the past few days the pain spiked to an excruciating level - and fitting to the diagnosis it was as a cycle hit and common for the pain to increase I guess. It got so bad my mother wanted me to go to the ER and I did think about it. But I don't think there would have been much they could have done other than treat my pain. Treat my pain....oh I thought about it....being given IV dilaudid like they did with my gall bladder. I also thought how that would quickly send me right back down the rabbit hole I worked so hard to get out of. Happy to say that I rode it out with ibuprofen, rest, and a heating pad. Happy to say the pain is back down to a more manageable level today. And it was thinking of the strength of the folks here that helped me to make the right decision. Obviously this is something I will need to get treatment for, but proud of myself for not giving in...for gritting my teeth and getting through it. True pain is my kryptonite - gets my AV really going. Have always given in easily to it - because it's so easily justifiable. And you know what - for a "normal" person it would be the fair answer to the situation. But I ruined that for myself because I only know how to abuse - not how to use. So I'm going to have to put up with more pain than others, but that's just how it is for me now. I get that now. That's my reality now. It stinks, but it is what it is.
TE - couldn't help myself
I think it every time I see your avatar. Honestly, I thought of you these past few days. I've told you before that your resolve towards opiates impresses me. I want that strength you had. And I think I found a piece of it. Your words have helped me, truly.Clean - glad to hear you have realized that you're human
Because you are always being super human, super mom, super wife. It's inspiring...you are always doing so much for others. And I think you sometimes feel like you need to be "super" all the time to make up for your past. And maybe you feel like you can't be as kind to yourself as a sort of penance. I'm speculating of course, but you have been such a good friend to me, so kind and inspirational to me. I just want to see you turn that on yourself. Because you so deserve it. You so deserve it.FinalTime - still hanging in there? Think you are probably traveling - or maybe you are back in the states now? Hope all is going well with you.
Ardy, hope your daughter made her trip safely. I am also terrified of flying so I understand your anxiety over that. Hope you are all celebrating together now.
Gnarly, sounds like all is going well. So happy for you! All that connecting with the outdoors has to be spiritual. It sounds wonderful.
Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. As much as I personally can not wait for it to pass
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Thank you (((eyes))) you are all those things to me too. Yes! You hit the nail on the head! I considered myself extremely selfish during my active days. There are so many things I did that I never would have done if I hadn't sold myself to the those cursed devil pills! I would rather not rehash them all here...some I've probably mentioned but I am in penance mode right now! Not sure if I'll be able to make complete amends for all of them...but I will die trying. Plus, I do have a strong belief in God and justice so I'm afraid I'll be punished for what I did because most are pretty big sins. On a good note though, I also believe God forgives our sins so that gives me some comfort. But thanks for your kindness and you are right I can not keep punishing myself forever. My family has told me already that they forgive me and know my heart is good. Now I just have to forgive myself...I'm working on it.
As far as your having trouble finding that excitement in life. I know it's hard after all you've been thru. I remember my mother struggling with that same thing after cancer. It really took a toll on her mentally and physically. The surgeries and chemo/radiation left her weak and uncomfortable. She suffered from neuropathy too. Felt that she was losing bits and pieces of her body....since she had both breasts removed,
Uterus, then her bladder. I think never knowing if and when the cancer would come back kept her in a depression. Idk if any of these could be the reason you are having trouble. But I can understand how going thru an illness like that could prevent you from finding enjoyment in this life. It's almost like she didn't want to enjoy living too much...because she wasn't sure how long she would be here...mentally prepared herself for not being here.
But I think this type of thinking can be turned around to "while I am here I want to enjoy my life to it's fullest!" Set small goals for yourself. Not too high, that they are not obtainable. Just think what you would like to accomplish in the time that you are here? One thing my Dad got my Mom to do was travel to as many states as possible. Like they made a goal to visit the ones they had never been to. She completed visiting all 50 states a couple months before she died....Maine was the last one...they went up there after a trip out to see me. That's just an example of some type of goal....plus that was my Mom's life story....she was 76 when she died. So she lived a full life and you can too. I hope this post isn't too painful. Just want to stress that, although my mom died from cancer....she lived 20+ years after that first diagnosis. Plus, that might not even be why you are struggling. So sorry if I overstepped.
As far as your having trouble finding that excitement in life. I know it's hard after all you've been thru. I remember my mother struggling with that same thing after cancer. It really took a toll on her mentally and physically. The surgeries and chemo/radiation left her weak and uncomfortable. She suffered from neuropathy too. Felt that she was losing bits and pieces of her body....since she had both breasts removed,
Uterus, then her bladder. I think never knowing if and when the cancer would come back kept her in a depression. Idk if any of these could be the reason you are having trouble. But I can understand how going thru an illness like that could prevent you from finding enjoyment in this life. It's almost like she didn't want to enjoy living too much...because she wasn't sure how long she would be here...mentally prepared herself for not being here.
But I think this type of thinking can be turned around to "while I am here I want to enjoy my life to it's fullest!" Set small goals for yourself. Not too high, that they are not obtainable. Just think what you would like to accomplish in the time that you are here? One thing my Dad got my Mom to do was travel to as many states as possible. Like they made a goal to visit the ones they had never been to. She completed visiting all 50 states a couple months before she died....Maine was the last one...they went up there after a trip out to see me. That's just an example of some type of goal....plus that was my Mom's life story....she was 76 when she died. So she lived a full life and you can too. I hope this post isn't too painful. Just want to stress that, although my mom died from cancer....she lived 20+ years after that first diagnosis. Plus, that might not even be why you are struggling. So sorry if I overstepped.
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(((Clean))) You could never overstep and I thank you for your words 
I think you are right - the health issues play a huge part....not just the cancer, but all the stuff since too. Before I had bad knees, but that was about it as far as any major problems. Since it seems everything is falling apart! My oncologist has admitted that the chemo could have played a part in that, as they do not really know all the potential effects. Let's face it, they are pumping poison throughout you. There's going to be some fallout from that.
But as far as getting sick, it's something I've never dealt with. At the time, I had to be the most upbeat cancer patient you have ever seen. Everyone commented about how well I handled it, how my attitude is what helped to get me through. Here's the reality of it. Right before I was diagnosed I was at my lowest. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship, I had to declare bankruptcy, I admitted my addiction, I moved in with my parents, and I hated my job. I had broken down to my PCP, placed on anti-depressants, and had just started seeing a therapist. Then I was diagnosed and suddenly my depression lifted. Who finds out they have cancer and isn't depressed? Apparently a drug addict that hates their job I didn't have to work, and had free reign of pain pills which allowed me to suppress all that stuff I was about to have to deal with. It allowed me to bury all that and let my addiction continue uncontested. Sick, and sad, but true.
I was so consumed by those around me, that I don't think I ever processed it myself. It was so hard to see how it affected those around me. As a matter of fact when I told my best friend it was I consoling her - she was crying her eyes out as I sat and hugged her and told her it was going to be fine. But you hit the nail on the head, that I always have this thought in my mind....just sort of waiting for it to return. Every time I get a sore throat I wonder - is it back? And the treatment is a lot worse if it does return. So you are right, it's a bit like waiting around for the other shoe to drop.
But I realize I can't live with that fear. The truth is tomorrow isn't guaranteed for any of us. Anything could happen. Another thing I'm stuck on is forgiving myself as well. With me it's not as much my drug use as that abusive relationship. I wonder if you can relate to this (sadly I know you've been there as well)....but....I was never going to be that woman. I was always strong....and would never allow a man to mistreat me, much less put his hands on me. I was never going to be that woman....until I was. He was a jerk and then some. So why is it I can't forgive me?
I know these are hard things. Painful things. But I am so thankful to have a safe place to talk about these things, these feelings (as they come to the surface now I at least have an idea where to start the healing). Where you are not alone. Where people understand. I am so so grateful to have a place like this and a friend like you
I think you are right - the health issues play a huge part....not just the cancer, but all the stuff since too. Before I had bad knees, but that was about it as far as any major problems. Since it seems everything is falling apart! My oncologist has admitted that the chemo could have played a part in that, as they do not really know all the potential effects. Let's face it, they are pumping poison throughout you. There's going to be some fallout from that.
But as far as getting sick, it's something I've never dealt with. At the time, I had to be the most upbeat cancer patient you have ever seen. Everyone commented about how well I handled it, how my attitude is what helped to get me through. Here's the reality of it. Right before I was diagnosed I was at my lowest. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship, I had to declare bankruptcy, I admitted my addiction, I moved in with my parents, and I hated my job. I had broken down to my PCP, placed on anti-depressants, and had just started seeing a therapist. Then I was diagnosed and suddenly my depression lifted. Who finds out they have cancer and isn't depressed? Apparently a drug addict that hates their job
I didn't have to work, and had free reign of pain pills which allowed me to suppress all that stuff I was about to have to deal with. It allowed me to bury all that and let my addiction continue uncontested. Sick, and sad, but true.I was so consumed by those around me, that I don't think I ever processed it myself. It was so hard to see how it affected those around me. As a matter of fact when I told my best friend it was I consoling her - she was crying her eyes out as I sat and hugged her and told her it was going to be fine. But you hit the nail on the head, that I always have this thought in my mind....just sort of waiting for it to return. Every time I get a sore throat I wonder - is it back? And the treatment is a lot worse if it does return. So you are right, it's a bit like waiting around for the other shoe to drop.
But I realize I can't live with that fear. The truth is tomorrow isn't guaranteed for any of us. Anything could happen. Another thing I'm stuck on is forgiving myself as well. With me it's not as much my drug use as that abusive relationship. I wonder if you can relate to this (sadly I know you've been there as well)....but....I was never going to be that woman. I was always strong....and would never allow a man to mistreat me, much less put his hands on me. I was never going to be that woman....until I was. He was a jerk and then some. So why is it I can't forgive me?
I know these are hard things. Painful things. But I am so thankful to have a safe place to talk about these things, these feelings (as they come to the surface now I at least have an idea where to start the healing). Where you are not alone. Where people understand. I am so so grateful to have a place like this and a friend like you
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On a lighter note.....just had a "kitties of the corn" moment.
So I go upstairs and swing around the banister, there at the end of the hall are both cats sitting side by side staring back at me. Creepily. Perhaps the twins from "The Shining" would be a better comparison.
Even though they are sisters they actually rarely spend time together. And I've never seen them sitting next to each other like that. Big round eyes, not blinking....staring, staring. I have a friend who hates cats - says they will try to kill you in your sleep, steal your breath lol. But, have to admit, they kind of looked dangerous....
So after about a minute of staring, a thought crossed my mind. As they are Persians they have that naturally downtrodden look on their faces, one more so than the other. I looked closely at her, cocked my head and hissed "if you ever sat still so I could get a good picture of you then perhaps you would have been 'grumpy cat' and I'd be a millionaire now".
She promptly meowed at me, stood up, and walked away in the opposite direction. Not sure which is worse - that I got dissed by a cat or the fact I had a full fledged conversation with them.
My status as "crazy cat lady" has been confirmed
So I go upstairs and swing around the banister, there at the end of the hall are both cats sitting side by side staring back at me. Creepily. Perhaps the twins from "The Shining" would be a better comparison.
Even though they are sisters they actually rarely spend time together. And I've never seen them sitting next to each other like that. Big round eyes, not blinking....staring, staring. I have a friend who hates cats - says they will try to kill you in your sleep, steal your breath lol. But, have to admit, they kind of looked dangerous....
So after about a minute of staring, a thought crossed my mind. As they are Persians they have that naturally downtrodden look on their faces, one more so than the other. I looked closely at her, cocked my head and hissed "if you ever sat still so I could get a good picture of you then perhaps you would have been 'grumpy cat' and I'd be a millionaire now".
She promptly meowed at me, stood up, and walked away in the opposite direction. Not sure which is worse - that I got dissed by a cat or the fact I had a full fledged conversation with them.
My status as "crazy cat lady" has been confirmed
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Hello all of you! About to sleep and wanted to check in. Have a bit of a cold and took cold medicine today. Not feeling good about that as I wanted to remain 100% free from anything other than ibuprofen. Owell it got me through my day and it was a productive day even though I am jet lagged and have a cold. I went to a meeting last night and noon today. They asked me to share today being that I am a far away visitor. That was good and a nice man came to thank me after. I haven't been doing my 5 things a day or starting my day on my knees. I did get on my knees tonight. My family has been amazing, I even did a crossfit WOD tonight with my brother. Felt so good, they have been Avis crossfitters for 5 years and I was always full of excuses. I love it. Will hike tomorrow with my brother. Hope all of you are hanging in there. I know holidays can be tough for a lot. It will pass. Most important is stay sober today. I wanted to share about the cold Meds today'. Won't be taking anything tomorrow. They don't alter my state but it's pills and my av gets excited. I refuse. Love you all sorry haven't read much above staying off my phone as much as I can and bonding with my nieces and nephew. My daughter is having the best time ever.
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Just woke up happy Xmas everyone got a travel day today 2 planes but I'm not arses about Xmas, never put up a tree as an adult - happy to avoid the hassle though me and my mate went out round NA trang dressed as Santas last night which got us a fair bit of attention, photos etc.**** heads asking us as Santa to bring them hot girls etc. Good laugh and keeping my mind off the gear which is the important thing!
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