AlexThedude

the substances we have put into our bodies affected us tremendously, and in a lot of ways we don't fully understand. Here are some of the reasons I quit a plethora of drugs and alchohol:
#1-Saying the most bizarre and hurtful things to people I care about, and making them distrust me or become angry with me.
#2- The increased tendency to allow one spoiled fruit to ruin all of the others by obsessing over it mentally for months and months and sometimes years.
#3- I have become a bad writer. I used to take a lot of pride in my English skills. It was my best subject before I warped my brain.
#4- The only ambitions I could feel were goals that released a lot of dopamine, really difficult things, but no interest in the individual steps.
#5- At times, the total and complete destruction of any moral fiber I had before using. Mosty mentally, but sometimes my actions have been animalistic, selfish, and I really don't like them.

I'm still not sober, I'm judging that my will is only as strong as the pot in my pipe to not do other drugs I've recently (within a year) done
[meth, heroin, most opiate pills, most benzodasaphines, alchohol, tobacco, acid, etc.] I am on day 4 with no opiates, my obsessive thoughts are starting to clear a little, but not much.

What are the strongest reasons you have for quitting, or wanting to quit?

sagittarius714

My mother was an alcoholic. She was also very overweight. Did not take care of herself at all. She was found dead on the bedroom floor by my son. This was almost 2 years ago. I do not want that to be me one day. I also have thought about things, and since I have been "partying" since high school (I am 43), I have wasted a tremendous amount of time. My home and family are intact, thank God, but career wise I am now forced to work jobs that are not so great, just to provide. I should have gone to school, done something, had something to show for myself by now. So my biggest reasons: My mom, and doing better for my kids..

Good luck with everything!!!

finaltime

Alex are you getting help from any other resources? In my opinion, I tried to do it alone for years and couldn't. I just hit 4 months and did 90 meetings in 90 days. I am now working on the steps, and I can see why they have the steps and now starting step 4. I have to write down all those harmful things I have done to myself and others, dig deep, remember all that I can as these secrets hurt my soul. As much as I want to push them to the crust in my toes? I am not. I am going to write about them, then share then with someone I trust. Even thinking about writing about how much risk and harm I put my own daughter in makes me feel ill.

The good part? We can make amends.

From the sound of your last year with the usage, support would be good if you can get some. I am realizing that my disease is not my fault, using my will to live is not good for me.

I like what you wrote about!!!

Ashamedof

I hated lying all the time and having to think of a story as to why this or that bill wasn't paid. Fear of being so broke that rent couldn't be paid. My health. My mood swings which are intense right now because I'm coming off a 300mg a day oxycodone habit with the help of suboxone. Sick of not having any motivation. Isolating myself in my house. Not having money to get my hair done or a dang pedicure. Sick of withdrawals because we all eventually run out. Sick of lying to the dr as to why I needed my meds 4 days early each month. Sick of texting my dealer and waiting around for him or her, having to give them my money to feed their habit! That part pissed me off the most. Mostly because I want to know what life is like sober...I honestly forgot? It's been so long that it's all a blur to me. People tell me how funny I used to be and witty, good sense of humor and just a sweet person...I don't know who I am anymore and it kills me. I'm on day 4 myself. I still smoke cigs but I've cut down. I'm thinking of you Alex and I hope you make it. I think posting your feelings really does help though so keep doing it!

EyesOfAStranger

^^^This
I could have written that myself Ashamedof. Thank you - because oddly as time moves on you have a way of quickly forgetting the bad, and only remembering the "good". Hang in there, ok?

AlexThedude

I regret having spent so much time on impossible or fruitless ventures... And all of the tension of falling short in the eyes of my arrogant, delusional, offensive, grandiose, self absorbed, obsessive, animalistic, angry total prig of a previous self, who has left me penniless, and plan B-less...

I regret not having been more willing to accept even substantial improvements in my situation, because they weren't prestigious enough, or because I was too lazy or out of it to put in work, or I was on fookin BlackAndMethBalls. I regret having my previous self in my "hall of ancestors" right now in a lot of ways.

Of course that's just my perspective right now. I'm sure I'll come to a more positive attitude again later, but right now, I'm focused on contemplating my regrets, in order to stay off of these insane substances for awhile. I'm only smoking pot, which is to me basically sober, since I've been smoking copious amounts of green for years.

larrylive

The one reason...To be the best me I can be. To get the most out of this life. To know that in the end I used every precious resource available to me, within me. No excuses, no if only's, no I wish I had's....One life, and if I don't try, I'll never know if I can......

Be Well,
Larry

doggonecarl

Regret is a lousy deterrent to addiction and a poor recovery plan. And as much as you minimize your pot smoking, it's keeping you mired in regret and brooding over your situation...which can only be relieved by being clean and sober.

Timebuster

Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? It starts out asking for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change.

TB

jutam

ive done 4 rehabs in 2 years and a stint at my brothers, and outpatient programs. any use takes me back to rehab. im sick of it. I leave jobs, it impacts me financially. My son wants nothing to do with me. Ive had lots of accidents. my life becomes consumed by it. I get health problems, I put on weight. I sick of withdrawal. I will end up dead or permanently in a rehab. that's no life. Im also scared that if I don't nail recovery in this life time, what if I doomed to repeat it in another. I act like a complete loser when Im using. I could write another hundred reasons..... My addiction has progressed to the point where I cant live in it anymore.....

cleaninLI

Jutam most often that is the point we need to reach.....rock bottom to get us to change our lives. It could be that you are at that point. Right now there is only one way to go......you either die a hopeless addict....or you pick yourself up and begin the journey of recovery. I believe you can recover. Pick a day....toss out your supply and do this. If I can do it anyone can. There are people on this forum who have been addicts for more than 20 years.....lost everything in their lives...jobs....husbands/wives......children....their homes.....self-respect......each and everything. But they rose up above it all...and totally transformed their lives. Today is as good a day as any to stand tall and do this!

Remember....you do not have to go it alone.....their are people out there who truly care.....they know what it's like......I am one of those people......so get up....begin your own thread and your journey..we will hold your hand.

Mamahawk

Alex I can sum up all of my regrets into one thing. The person I became. There wasn't even a hint of the real me left. I was only clean for a few days when my 16 year old son looked at me and said "your face looks so different" and started crying. I get tears thinking of that. By the end of my twenty year addiction I had frizzy hair and never wore makeup. I never got any new clothes. I denied my family so much because I spent all of our money. I lied and stole. I was so deceitful. Sneaking out after my husband went to bed to buy pills. I regret making a fool of that hardworking man. And like you say the hours and hours spent chasing pills. All the wasted time. I don't know I managed to keep the house clean and food cooked, laundry done and the boys schoolwork done. Except that the pills gave me energy. I regret so much I can't list it all. But what matters most is I freed myself from all of this. I accepted the forgiveness my family so freely offered. I gave up each and every last regret so I can be well because dwelling in it kept me sick. Each and every day we do good we are making up for what we did.

AlexThedude

Mamahawk, me too... I felt like even after spending a substantial ammount of time with someone, that they had never even met me. And looking back, that's one of the most painful regrets- that what happened is not genuine, as I was not there... If "I" had been there, it would have resulted in something completely different... But I'm stuck with some very painful memories... I should add, the painful memories aren't as sharp these days, I'm doing much better lately.


"THE BATTLE IS
BETWEEN TWO WOLVES INSIDE US.
ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES
THE OTHER IS GOOD.
IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE KINDNESS,GENEROSITY,
TRUTH
"WHICH WOLF WINS?"
"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"

I really like that quote... Although I think both wolves are necessary to an extent.. The key is finding balance.

Mamahawk

We'll Alex I like your quote to. "I AM CAPABLE OF SOBRIETY." Keep telling yourself that, Because it's true.

There isn't a single person here that isn't filled with regrets Alex. You can't be in the pits of hell and leave unscathed. But you can leave. And you can come out swinging. Fight. Surprise the enemy with your strength and will power. I think what matters now is that this is genuine. This moment, right now, and your desire to be in it, and be sober, is all that matters anymore. Because you can't change anything that you did in the past. My husband always says "fix it as best as you can and move on". For years I completely disregarded this. And I stayed sick. Oh I tortured myself with the things I did. I can see it now, every single day, holding all of those pills. Locked in the bathroom and gagging them down all at once. Knowing I took to much but not having the will to throw them up...in fact hoping I could keep them down While sitting in the tub and praying, praying, praying..."please let me live. Please let me survive this and I'll never do it again. I swear. I swear. I will change if I can just live." I had a number in my head of how many I could take and not die but I knew deep down it was bull (especially since that number was crazy. Just plain crazy) And of course I did it again. And again and again and again. For twenty years. There are a million and one things I could think about over and over, like pawning me wedding ring and all my husbands and sons guns but I'm just sick and tired of doing that to myself. (Luckily he got my ring back but it was to late for the guns.)

Every clean day you get behind you, you will start to let these things go. Just keep fighting. Do NOT give up. Take what you want in this life. Just tell your brain to tell your arm to tell your hand NO NO NO! I'm not going to do it!! YOU have the power!

Mamahawk

That wolf story was the first thing I saw when I came here. It is very very precious to me. I think the balance comes from feeding the right wolf! I really wanted to tattoo "which wolf wins" on my wrist. But someone told me I would regret it. But I don't think I would. I decided to wait for now though and not make any decisions just yet!

Mamahawk

One more thing Alex. Keep talking about your regrets if you need to. Maybe sharing them and getting them out of your head is a part of your healing process.

AlexThedude

I regret behaving so animalistically, and angrily at times. I did things that turned out OK (I think) but could have destroyed quite a few people's lives, to be honest, including mine of course. often because I was SO paranoid and didn't believe anyone was anything but out to literally kill me lol.

Mamahawk

Drugs have a way of turning us into animals Alex. And making us angry and paranoid. And of course leaving us with plenty to regret. The drugs don't have anything good for us. Not one thing. How are doing as far as getting clean?

AlexThedude

it's shocking to think back and realize what negative effects were caused by what substance, and what you'd tell your former self if you could go back...

Mamahawk

How are you Alex? I have been thinking about you.