LastMistake

Saffronn

Isn't it odd how our animals seem to sense when something is wrong? My cat has not left my side in two days and is sleeping next to me even now. It is a small sense of comfort but sometimes that all it takes to keep us going.

Keep fighting the good fight!

Saffronn

I cant sleep dammit. Today I will buy some hot chocolate and see if that helps. Green tea just keeps me awake.

Saffronn

Hey ive just realised ive been clean over two weeks (15 days) awesome! I do fee like getting on but what stops me is that I dont have a pipe haha it would take 2 days for one to be couriered here so I dont bother. Pretty ****** excuse but it works!

Saffronn

and thank you all for being here talking to me, although i often dont say much this forum is like a lifeline to me.

jutam

great reading your updates.... keep going... I too struggling with sleep and the nights are long and boring as I rebuild my empire / life :-)

AlexThedude

I've been off meth since april 28.
keep going, you're doing great!
watch out though, meth is the most psychologically
manipulative drug I've withdrawn from... it has a way
of convincing me that it's good for me somehow,
as insane as that would reasonably seem.

elizabeth19

Thanks for sharing all this Saffron. Hope you are doing well

Saffronn

Well, I got almost 3 weeks up which is nothing to be sneezed at. Sadly, it didnt last. I cant recall what compelled me to go and score, but I did. And it was all downhill from there. I have in my unique awesome way managed to make things even worse for myself now though (which im viewing as a blessing in disguise) because I flipped out at my housemate when she accidentally tried to charge me twice for bills - when I could have just calmly corrected her. I managed to talk myself into giving notice to leave the house which I had half planned on doing anyway but im not the kind of person to give notice without having another place lined up. This city is nothing short of a shitfight to get fairly priced, decent property unfortunately. Anyhow, the reason im choosing to see this as a blessing is because due to the increased stress that comes with trying to secure a property, along with trying to fit in time for an overseas business trip, failing on both accounts over and over resulted in me finally feeling so low and ultimately cracking to the point where I told my Dad about my habit via sms. Then my Mum not that she was worth informing. So now im accountable. Now I cant continue to use knowing they are aware its a problem. There is absolutely no ifs or buts about it. I feel as if half the problems solved. Dont misinterpret that as me thinking suddenly that my admission to them has granted me power over the drug all of a sudden, nor am I silly enough to expect that my chances of relapse are any lesser now. I dont lie to my Dad though, so as long as he asks me every day if ive used then I wont use. I couldnt try to fool him into thinking I was straight no way. I dont have the audacity to even attempt that - if I relapse ill ignore the phone and get busted instantly. I may be naive to be confident enough to think that long term I cant ignore the obvious fact that staying clean if only for the sake of my parents is the smart, correct thing to do as opposed to living this lifestyle and suffering the ups and downs of addiction especially since this is the worst an addiction has affected me, except for when I was abusing alcohol daily.

Im not exactly sure how im going to approach this, this time around. Im yet to receive much feedback from my Dad as he is out of the country on a business trip and his access to phone and email is restricted while he is there. He got me through the first 6 months of alcoholism recovery, calling me every single day and talking for as long as I needed. He was an alcoholic himself so knows addiction well, just not ice addiction. He isnt stupid enough to fall for media sensationalism. At least he shouldnt be.

The problem is actually bigger than ice because basically I need a more lucrative, stable career. The idea of working for somebody else, on their schedule is depressing at the least. But I have to face the reality for now, it is just going to be challenging trying to justify what ive done for the last 6yrs as most of it was in adult entertainment and thats not something that is wise to share as people just think the worst sadly. I suppose all I really need is a friend who is employed by the hospitality industry to lie for me and say I worked at some bar for the entire 6 years.

This post is a bit all over the show, matches my thoughts and feelings. In summary - getting clean again just working out my game plan, feeling positive about it at most times, ive got experience to draw from and more support from friends as I have admitted the problem to a few trustworthy ones who wont share the info. A lot will be determined when my Dad has input and ascertains how he wants to try to help me and then ill go from there. Over and out.