*We* made it Another Day Part 12
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: HK
Posts: 331
It did go quite well thanks, glad yours did too. My doc said it's probably not a good idea to upset my surroundings at the moment. His suggestion was to write a letter to her and keep it in a safe place until it's a better time. I'll try that and see if it helps with my guilt. Sooner or later I need to tell her though, or else I'll never feel at peace with myself.
Looking back, I really hate who I was whilst I was smoking and downing pills. I just did not care about anything. I want the old me back.
Thank you for the support, it's so good to have a place where people understand and are not judgemental. So many of us were not our real selves while using.
Looking back, I really hate who I was whilst I was smoking and downing pills. I just did not care about anything. I want the old me back.
Thank you for the support, it's so good to have a place where people understand and are not judgemental. So many of us were not our real selves while using.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Lost I have lots of guilt too...for things I did while using.....so I understand what you are saying. I like your doctor's advice about writing it down in a letter and saving it for later. There are two reasons why I like this. The first is you need peace and comfort right now....and as much support as you can from family and friends. Chaos and stress will only cause triggers. The second reason is that I believe actions are more important to family members than words expressed to them.....at least at this stage in the game. I think she should see the recovered you for awhile....see how much you have changed. This will help her to be able to see the difference between the actively addicted you and the clean you. That way when you are ready to tell her....she will see how you are right now in recovery. It will help her to understand that the disease takes over and causes us to do wrong thing things.
I know it's hard! But work on forgiving yourself....ok?
I know it's hard! But work on forgiving yourself....ok?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by cleaninLI 
Lost I have lots of guilt too...for things I did while using.....so I understand what you are saying. I like your doctor's advice about writing it down in a letter and saving it for later. There are two reasons why I like this. The first is you need peace and comfort right now....and as much support as you can from family and friends. Chaos and stress will only cause triggers. The second reason is that I believe actions are more important to family members than words expressed to them.....at least at this stage in the game. I think she should see the recovered you for awhile....see how much you have changed. This will help her to be able to see the difference between the actively addicted you and the clean you. That way when you are ready to tell her....she will see how you are right now in recovery. It will help her to understand that the disease takes over and causes us to do wrong thing things.
I know it's hard! But work on forgiving yourself....ok?
I know it's hard! But work on forgiving yourself....ok?
Clean is right, actions do speak louder than words, much louder. And she can't forgive you if you can't forgive yourself, ya know? Now I'm doing Butter's job - giving good advice to others but not taking it for myself 
Hope she is enjoying Germany - maybe she will get to see the Hoff?Wow, I stayed in bed (well my bed is a recliner so in reality I just sat up a bit) until almost 3:00 in the afternoon! Talk about a lazy day. Though I know we have these "down" times I kind of feel guilty when I do it. Especially today was pretty nice out - not that I had anything to do - I do have things I should do. I really need to do some cleaning - tidying up around where I've avoided. The places where there is a possibility I could run across a stashed or dropped pill. I'm so scared, but need to face that fear soon or I am going to wind up on an episode of Hoarders
I have never thrown out or flushed a pill in my life! Or given it to someone else to do for me. Ugh, I can feel my anxiety stirring just thinking about it. OK, at least one more day of living in my sty lol.TOD - must be day 20 for you now today, myself as well! What stinks for me is I felt really good and encouraged and motivated at the beginning, and since dropping in to this "funk" as of late I find myself back to feeling how I was on the pills, only without the brief periods of "artificial" happiness. So I keep craving that rush - I mean what's the point of feeling the same way, right? So I have to keep reminding myself I need to get past this part, but it just makes it tougher. But we keep marching!
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Hi Lost! What I get out of this song is I miss Me! Me myself and I! Not who I used to be or who I'm gonna be! The Me w/o pain pills! The Me that has the energy to take on the daily things in my life. The Me that can stay focused and get things accomplished! The Me that can look ppl in the eyes and not have to worry about them knowing tiny pupils means I'm messed up on something!
I don't want to be the old me! The old me apparently wasn't that great considering I'm now a member of the SR club! Although I've now met a bunch of wonderful ppl by being here!
TOD
I don't want to be the old me! The old me apparently wasn't that great considering I'm now a member of the SR club! Although I've now met a bunch of wonderful ppl by being here!
TOD
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
You know, I suffer a lot from feeling blue and having the blahs. One thing I'll say about Mama is that she gets things done. I asked her how she did it and she said she FORCED herself to get started. She's very strong. I took that as some good advice and have been doing that and it's helped me. If I can just get going on something it can turn out all right. At least I can say I tried. I am having a depressed time right now.
Eyes, you are going to have to face letting some light into your crannies very soon. Sooner rather than later because, take it from me, you have to make sure you cannot get pills and that none are just "accidentally" laying around. To this day if I came across a pill, it would be down my throat before you could blink. I have to have NO PILLS. Of any kind. None. Oddly enough alcohol doesn't seem to tempt me much although I consider myself to be an alcoholic, too. I don't touch it anymore. My drinking was out of hand so I stopped about seven years ago. That was when I found the Vicodin and it went from there.
I know exactly how you are feeling about now. But it does get better. However, things are never easy for me. They never were and never will be. I just have to keep forcing myself some days just like Mama says. And, yes, you're certainly entitled to a "bed"day sometimes. I have them ever now and again and feel the better for it. So don't feel guilty about that.
Would it be possible for you to get somebody to help you get your place cleaned up? One of my friends did that for me. It was a big help.
Eyes, you are going to have to face letting some light into your crannies very soon. Sooner rather than later because, take it from me, you have to make sure you cannot get pills and that none are just "accidentally" laying around. To this day if I came across a pill, it would be down my throat before you could blink. I have to have NO PILLS. Of any kind. None. Oddly enough alcohol doesn't seem to tempt me much although I consider myself to be an alcoholic, too. I don't touch it anymore. My drinking was out of hand so I stopped about seven years ago. That was when I found the Vicodin and it went from there.
I know exactly how you are feeling about now. But it does get better. However, things are never easy for me. They never were and never will be. I just have to keep forcing myself some days just like Mama says. And, yes, you're certainly entitled to a "bed"day sometimes. I have them ever now and again and feel the better for it. So don't feel guilty about that.
Would it be possible for you to get somebody to help you get your place cleaned up? One of my friends did that for me. It was a big help.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Hi Eyes: Yep! We are both on Day 20! Put this in your mind: A body at REST? Stays at REST! A body in MOTION? Stays in MOTION! After you've had your wakeup coffee and checked your Internet stuff! Get up out of that recliner! Brush your teeth, brush your hair and wash the sleep off your face and out of your eyes! Make your bed! Tell yourself you ARE going to make something good happen today! No matter how small or how big it is!
That rush we used to get from the pain pills is NO longer an option! And for me to be honest about it? I got the Ahhhhhh for a little bit then sat around thinking about things that needed to be done. But I never got up and took care of those things! Other than the pets needs and supper cooked for Jethro! I now take 1/2 a caffeine tablet to get me moving! It doesn't make me wired and I'm not running to the bathroom by drinking several cups of coffee either!
I'm outside working today in this 105 temperature. I just filled two large plastic bins with split wood Jethro did months ago. He stacked it in my damn wagon though and I NEED my wagon! So I've now freed it up to use again! Look out yard! LOL I've got the XM radio tuned to the 60's music which helps to keep me in a good mood too!
I realize you are coming off a major amount of opiates though! This was the same thing I went thru back in 2005! It's a wonder I didn't die from the amount I was taking back then. It took me a good 30 days to start feeling worthwhile again! So don't push yourself too hard! This go round I was only taking 3 to 4 pills aday! Half at a time! I'm having a day where I can do a lot of stuff and then I'm down for 2 or 3 days. Then I'm feeling good again. The good days will only improve the longer I'm off the pain pills!
You need to treat those pain meds like a lost love affair! They made us feel good, but kept us hampered in getting anything done. In my case? Good riddance! It sure wasn't a love affair! It was a damned nightmare! They kept me locked in a shell of who I really am. I hated being that person! Now I'm FREE again!
Okay! I'm heading back outside to work some more! Just drank my slimfast shake and got energized from it.
TOD
That rush we used to get from the pain pills is NO longer an option! And for me to be honest about it? I got the Ahhhhhh for a little bit then sat around thinking about things that needed to be done. But I never got up and took care of those things! Other than the pets needs and supper cooked for Jethro! I now take 1/2 a caffeine tablet to get me moving! It doesn't make me wired and I'm not running to the bathroom by drinking several cups of coffee either!
I'm outside working today in this 105 temperature. I just filled two large plastic bins with split wood Jethro did months ago. He stacked it in my damn wagon though and I NEED my wagon! So I've now freed it up to use again! Look out yard! LOL I've got the XM radio tuned to the 60's music which helps to keep me in a good mood too!
I realize you are coming off a major amount of opiates though! This was the same thing I went thru back in 2005! It's a wonder I didn't die from the amount I was taking back then. It took me a good 30 days to start feeling worthwhile again! So don't push yourself too hard! This go round I was only taking 3 to 4 pills aday! Half at a time! I'm having a day where I can do a lot of stuff and then I'm down for 2 or 3 days. Then I'm feeling good again. The good days will only improve the longer I'm off the pain pills!
You need to treat those pain meds like a lost love affair! They made us feel good, but kept us hampered in getting anything done. In my case? Good riddance! It sure wasn't a love affair! It was a damned nightmare! They kept me locked in a shell of who I really am. I hated being that person! Now I'm FREE again!
Okay! I'm heading back outside to work some more! Just drank my slimfast shake and got energized from it.
TOD
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Right now I fear I'll never be the old me again.
Don't get discouraged - this process takes time, but stay true and you will see results
D
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Yes Lost, Dee is so right! You will get over this hump....it just takes time....and before you know it you realize you actually feel better then you did on the pills. It's not bam today I feel great kind of thing it's more of a subtle feel good feeling that creeps in. You can do things to help lift yourself up like exersize (that's I big one) ..meditation...setting small goals for yourself.
We are living proof.....that a happy healthy life is waiting for you after recovery!
We are living proof.....that a happy healthy life is waiting for you after recovery!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 598
Else, TOD - you are both right. I definitely still have some work I need to do. Pushing through. Something that's really been bothering me lately - at the beginning of June I had to have all my upper teeth removed and got dentures. I never had great teeth to begin with (my mother blames her English blood for that lol) however, one of the sides of chemotherapy is that it ruins your teeth. I remember it was one of the very first things my oncologist had told me - and I thought, oh great. I've already financed several of my dentist's vacations haha. So anyway, they just kept getting worse and breaking beyond repair, so I finally had to make the decision to do it, because I looked awful. Have not smiled or laughed without covering my face in years. Well, I hate them. They are uncomfortable, and awkward - I can't eat normally with them....as soon as I get home from work the bra and teeth come off /out lol. Takes about 6 months for the gums to fully heal, and then I will be able to be fitted for a permanent set that I'm hoping will be a little more comfortable.
So, here I am 41 years old (with the maturity of a 15 year old lol), with dentures and I walk with a cane. So many days my body feels like that of an 80 year old. I try not to get down about it, even with all the things I have gone through I know there are those out there that have it so much worse and that I am lucky. I've always tried to keep an upbeat attitude about things. But every now and again it does get me down. I need both of my knees replaced but due to my age of course they do not want to do that. But it comes down to quality of life really. So I'm working on a plan with my doctors on that. I need to be able to get moving again, I agree with you completely on that.
Lost! How did you sleep last night? What do you have planned for the day?
So, here I am 41 years old (with the maturity of a 15 year old lol), with dentures and I walk with a cane. So many days my body feels like that of an 80 year old. I try not to get down about it, even with all the things I have gone through I know there are those out there that have it so much worse and that I am lucky. I've always tried to keep an upbeat attitude about things. But every now and again it does get me down. I need both of my knees replaced but due to my age of course they do not want to do that. But it comes down to quality of life really. So I'm working on a plan with my doctors on that. I need to be able to get moving again, I agree with you completely on that.
Lost! How did you sleep last night? What do you have planned for the day?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Eyes, I'm sorry to hear of your difficult times. I am guessing your illness caused your pill dependency. Unlike me, I just did it for fun until it wasn't fun any more. And was going to kill me. I have no excuse at all. I knew how dangerous they were, too, because my sister OD'd and died from Oxy. It was horrible and I miss her so much.
Once you have settled in with your new dentures, things will be a lot easier with them. I know you have to give it time. And you'll be able to smile again and look nice. We will all look forward to that day with you. Sometimes things happen to us, like your teeth, that are beyond our control. I have a friend who has them and she looks lovely. Believe me, it will be ok.
Once you have settled in with your new dentures, things will be a lot easier with them. I know you have to give it time. And you'll be able to smile again and look nice. We will all look forward to that day with you. Sometimes things happen to us, like your teeth, that are beyond our control. I have a friend who has them and she looks lovely. Believe me, it will be ok.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Hi Everyone!
Eyes! I'm sorry to read of you having to have those teeth pulled. My mom just told me yesterday a man I grew up with had to have ALL his teeth pulled. I just cringed and then I read today of yours being pulled. There is the Peroxyl by Colgate for Mouth Sores Rinse. I use it whenever I have mouth problems and it really helps! I've had every tooth in my mouth root canaled and many pulled too. I fully understand what you are dealing with in my own way!
Else: I'm sorry to read of your sister's passing from using the Oxy. I was prescribed pain meds back in 1985 because I was depressed. I'd never used the pain meds before and didn't think anything wrong with it. Then the reality set in as to what happens to a person after months on them. Boy! Did I learn what trouble they could be. I have multiple legit reasons why I could take them, but I prefer not too! I've gotten more done in the past week than I have in the past nine months.
We each have the drive in ourselves to get over our DOC! And there are many tools out there to help us. SR being one of them! It does get easier the longer we are off of them. I had two years racked up off them before I got seriously injured and had to go back on them for a year! Then it was one thing after another that sent me running back to them. I kept the amount at a low dose because I knew I'd get off of them again.
It seemed everytime I made the decision to get off of them a road block was thrown in the way of doing it. The first was back in October when I found out my dad had very little time left to live due to finding out melanoma cancer had eaten up his insides. I became his third shift caregiver for close to two weeks. He died on 5 November 2014. Then my mom moved in with us for over a month. Then the Holidays to deal with and my husband having surgery. I finally was able to block in a week to start the detoxing on 7 July. And now I have 20 days off of them. And I thank the Lord I have these days off of them.
I'm an active person! I find whenever I sit around for too long I hurt all over! I've had the injured ankles, right knee pain, lower back injured, right shoulder injured, lungs damaged, nerve damage in my lower right leg and so much more. I stated earlier I'm a retired Sargent from the Army. I didn't state I'm also a 100% DAV! So yeah! The pain pills are available to me. I choose not to take them! I choose to be the real me! Not the me that sits in a chair fading away on pain pills.
I really wish for all of y'all to find that nitch in your life that makes you feel good about yourself and to figure out the DOC isn't the route to take!
TOD
Eyes! I'm sorry to read of you having to have those teeth pulled. My mom just told me yesterday a man I grew up with had to have ALL his teeth pulled. I just cringed and then I read today of yours being pulled. There is the Peroxyl by Colgate for Mouth Sores Rinse. I use it whenever I have mouth problems and it really helps! I've had every tooth in my mouth root canaled and many pulled too. I fully understand what you are dealing with in my own way!
Else: I'm sorry to read of your sister's passing from using the Oxy. I was prescribed pain meds back in 1985 because I was depressed. I'd never used the pain meds before and didn't think anything wrong with it. Then the reality set in as to what happens to a person after months on them. Boy! Did I learn what trouble they could be. I have multiple legit reasons why I could take them, but I prefer not too! I've gotten more done in the past week than I have in the past nine months.
We each have the drive in ourselves to get over our DOC! And there are many tools out there to help us. SR being one of them! It does get easier the longer we are off of them. I had two years racked up off them before I got seriously injured and had to go back on them for a year! Then it was one thing after another that sent me running back to them. I kept the amount at a low dose because I knew I'd get off of them again.
It seemed everytime I made the decision to get off of them a road block was thrown in the way of doing it. The first was back in October when I found out my dad had very little time left to live due to finding out melanoma cancer had eaten up his insides. I became his third shift caregiver for close to two weeks. He died on 5 November 2014. Then my mom moved in with us for over a month. Then the Holidays to deal with and my husband having surgery. I finally was able to block in a week to start the detoxing on 7 July. And now I have 20 days off of them.
And I thank the Lord I have these days off of them. I'm an active person! I find whenever I sit around for too long I hurt all over! I've had the injured ankles, right knee pain, lower back injured, right shoulder injured, lungs damaged, nerve damage in my lower right leg and so much more. I stated earlier I'm a retired Sargent from the Army. I didn't state I'm also a 100% DAV! So yeah! The pain pills are available to me. I choose not to take them! I choose to be the real me! Not the me that sits in a chair fading away on pain pills.
I really wish for all of y'all to find that nitch in your life that makes you feel good about yourself and to figure out the DOC isn't the route to take!
TOD
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: HK
Posts: 331
Indeed TOD, we need to be active. The past few days I've found it hard to exercise but mainly cause I've been keeping busy with errands and things of that nature.
Eyes I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time
but I love that you have the sense of humour of a 15 year old, don't change that! You still have some stories to tell me 
It's only 8:30 yet I'm so tired, don't think I'll have too much trouble getting to sleep later (I hope), though I wake up at 7 on the dot every morning, I wanna sleep in! lol
Blue, Clean, Elsie, how are you all doing?
Eyes I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time
but I love that you have the sense of humour of a 15 year old, don't change that! You still have some stories to tell me It's only 8:30 yet I'm so tired, don't think I'll have too much trouble getting to sleep later (I hope), though I wake up at 7 on the dot every morning, I wanna sleep in! lol
Blue, Clean, Elsie, how are you all doing?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by Elseware
Eyes, I'm sorry to hear of your difficult times. I am guessing your illness caused your pill dependency. Unlike me, I just did it for fun until it wasn't fun any more. And was going to kill me. I have no excuse at all. I knew how dangerous they were, too, because my sister OD'd and died from Oxy. It was horrible and I miss her so much.
Once you have settled in with your new dentures, things will be a lot easier with them. I know you have to give it time. And you'll be able to smile again and look nice. We will all look forward to that day with you. Sometimes things happen to us, like your teeth, that are beyond our control. I have a friend who has them and she looks lovely. Believe me, it will be ok.
Once you have settled in with your new dentures, things will be a lot easier with them. I know you have to give it time. And you'll be able to smile again and look nice. We will all look forward to that day with you. Sometimes things happen to us, like your teeth, that are beyond our control. I have a friend who has them and she looks lovely. Believe me, it will be ok.
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