how to stop a loveone from smoking?

[sisco]

I have a girlfriend I have been dating for awhile now and recentley just found out she has been smoking pot. I have tried to talk to her about this and it just seams to always end up in a fight, then I have to find another place to sleep. Here is how it all began a few weeks ago:

When she moved in it was made very clear that the house rules were no drugs.
I knew when I met her that she smoked from time to time but was told "its not a problem" and "I can live without it".
So all goes well for a few weeks and I brought up the subject one night due to the fact she was just in a strange mood for one and 2 she looked high as a kite. When I asked her if she had smoked she said "yes". That question lead to the next question "how often have u smoked?",
Well come to find out its almost everyday for the past month. basically any free time she gets when she is off of work and Im at work.
I have talked to her about it and at the time i was angry and spent the first night on the couch. the next day i bought her some flowers, my way of saying im sorry about the shouting match the night before (but made it clear that i was very angry about the drugs) and she says "look i know how you feel and i love you so i am going to quit" i think life is all peachy and we go on.
same thing happend a few days ago. Her first day of 3 days off. she comes home high as a kite. i tell her to "go sleep it off" and "get away from me im angry". Later that night i try to talk to her about it and ding ding ding fight time ensues. And the whole process starts over again. today I asked her if she smoked today, she said "yes". and thats it you can guess the rest from there.

When I talked to her tonight I almost just laid it all on the line and said look I love you but you need to pick one or the other smoking with your girlfriends or me. But dident I tried to think about what i was saying before i spoke thigs like "what do you get from it?" "do you know what it does to me?" "why do you make me worrie about you?" "What if somethign happens?, An accident, a trip to the ER, Someones little gir chassing a soccerball into the street gets hit?" etc and All i get IF! i get a resopnse is "you dont understand" or "you wouldnot understand".

"When I talked to her tonight I almost just laid it all on the line and said look I love you but you need to pick one or the other smoking with your girlfriends or me....."

I dont want to have to make her make that kind of a choice. Partley due to the fact im am so afraid that she will pick pot over me. And 2 it does not seem fair. (to me it seems fair but to her it wont)

I need some help they call this a harmless habit but its not so harmless it me its put a wall between the 2 of us. In a place there was never a wall before.


I love this woman with all of my heart I would do almost anything for her! I would give up anything do anything change anything I could because I care so much for her. But how do I make her understand that what she is doing is killing me inside?

Am I right in thinking if she loves me she will leave the pot or should I just let her do it and grow up?

Please some advice. And thanks in advance.

[Patsyd1]

Hi Sisco,

You are dealing with an addict, and addicts have lost the ability to choose NOT to use, drink, gamble, or whatever the addict is addicted to. This isn't about choosing you over the pot, this is about the inability to STOP smoking pot, and that has nothing to do with you what-so-ever.

The rules of the house before she moved in were.... "When she moved in it was made very clear that the house rules were no drugs."

Her words clearly do not match her actions. Do yours?

The addict is addicted to their drug of choice....... and we become addicted to the addict.

Now there is nothing, absolutely nothing that you can do about her, and her pot smoking. We simply have no control over what they do or do not do. But you sure have control over what your choices are.

When the rules of the house were discussed and agreed to before she moved in........ perhaps she didn't mean it.......... did you?

The only one that we have any control over is ourselves and our own choices.

Trust is an essential ingredient in any relationship....romantic or otherwise.

How can anyone trust anyone who's words and actions do not match? Addiction makes liars of us all.

We may not be able to trust them, their thoughts, their words, their actions, and their deeds ....... but we can trust ourselves, our thoughts, our words, our actions and our deeds..... and take the actions necessary for our own well being, our own integrity, and our own life.

If you decide (and it IS your decision) to stay with her, then I would suggest Naranon meetings......... do it for you, and your own sanity.

God Bless,

Patsy

[needtogrowup]

Great advice Patsy...I agree w/ you. randa addict (pot) and co-dependent. New in recovery..this site is a lifesaver. rand

[Patsyd1]

Originally Posted by needtogrowup

Great advice Patsy...I agree w/ you. randa addict (pot) and co-dependent. New in recovery..this site is a lifesaver. rand

Hi Randa and nice to see you here, and Welcome!

Patsy

[needtogrowup]

Thanks Patsy,

My children and boyfriend are addictics or alcoholics...I am addicted to my bf, a alkie, and learning to take respn for my life and choices has been a long and hard lesson. I am learning to trust myself and be there for me. I choose to be clean today and have faith that if I do this and follow the advise of others w/ good recovery..that I will too learn to grow up and live as a healthy responsible adult. Look forward to reading your posts. thanks again for making me feel not alone and welcome. randa