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My Battle With THC (Pot)

Old 04-09-2014, 11:36 AM
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My Battle With THC (Pot)

As I am typing this I have just scraped the corn cob bowl, trying like hell to find purchase to chase away the feelings I knew would rise...did I find some? Yeah, stale tar, smelling and tasting slightly of corn cob, smoked in a tin foil bowl wrapped in scotch tape to allow me to take big hits...it's a trick I learned smoking crack back in the day and it shows just how much THC is a drug to some.

I started one starry night in West Texas at 15, holding a friend's metal pipe in the desert after I had just moved to town. The first time I was scared and did not inhale, which as a stupid teen I tried to pass off to the guys like I did.

They know I did not and so after that we went to another friends house, where I smoked for real for the first time and the best high I would ever have off the stuff.

That started a chain where I smoked almost daily for twenty years, although I did have breaks but during those breaks either my co-dependency and other mental issues were making people and situations my new drug or I was into other drugs like drinking and alcohol.

I think to fully 'get me' we have to hear about that too:

I hung out with ppl who did heavy drugs after moving back to the Midwest and never touched them. (I thought I was so smart not doing 'real' drugs, just drinking and smoking) One night though, a whole group of people came to the apartment I used to have with crack.

We drank and smoked all night long and the next day the guy who brought it got fronted more and was ready to head off again. I stayed behind and thought the whole thing was rather stupid and they must be weak, because I felt no addiction.

Well, a couple years roll by and I still drink and smoke pot and then one day while hanging out with this guy near my house the dealer says he does not have any pot right now but he has crack.

So the other guy used to do all sorts of stuff and I, recalling that one night and figuring this will be the same say OK...

Of course it is not OK and that day we got down to using the guy's pennies in a Ben and Jerry's carton to buy the last ten bag the guy had.

He also stayed 'out' of weed for the next week, so we smoked crack instead.

This lead to a Summer of me being a 'functioning' crack addict, I would go to work all week, get paid on Friday, binge and be broke, rinse and repeat.

One of the low points was when a friend called to say my former job had sent me a check for time owed of about $400 (in 2001 money!) and I rushed to his house, cashed it at my night job, spent it on crack.

The next morning I could not go to work as I had been up all night (not the first time either), and somehow we found a joint the guy had hidden and smoked it.

I got so freaked out and thought I was going to die (second time I had freaked out like that on pot btw) and believe it or not that put me off everything enough for me to escape the crack, but eventually went back to the pot and drinking.

At times drinking was a bad thing for me too, I would drink to escape and there are just toes of stories, tones of bad times, but suffice to say I used to wander the streets on foot drinking a six pack out of a bag at times, and one incident where I was being evicted in my early 20's where I answered the door, stereo blasting as I was passed out on on floor with a 5th of tequila.

So now the recent stuff...

In July 2012 my friend of ten years and girlfriend of six years kicked me out of our home in Texas where we had been for six months with her two kids, who I considered my own (especially the boy, who I had raised since he was a baby) and forced to move back to my dad's.

Soon as I heard she was done with me (I had to stay a month there to prepare and only came back with like 10% of my stuff), I was right on the booze, drank a six pack in about ten minutes and stayed that way through the Summer and fall of 2012 as much as I could.

My physical condition prevents me from escaping here, where the other person is the cause of most of this crap, and my past history and my head stop me from doing just about anything productive including sorting out my medical stuff.

In January of 2013 I met another girl and took it slow, she was from an abusive background worse then mine and I thought I was on the right path...

By July of 2013 she was in dire straits with no place to go and then in the span of three weeks told me she was dying, she was statying with her ex and then they got back together.

Again, I dove into the drinking and all, but in late August also wento into therapy locally where they work at a sliding scale.

In there I have learned a hell of a lot...I can say (which I could not before and even now it is weird, here I am tearing up just typing this out) I am an addict, a co-dependent, a victim of abuse and I suffer from a variety of physical and possibly mental issues.

I also am isolated, I have no friends and talk to no one unless it is about pot or work (I work alone in a small store so no co-workers even really).

My friends I had no longer seem to want me around and it seems everybody is older now, kids and family's and all that, and it hurts.

I will stop there for now but obviously there is a lot more to tell then just the pot and I have stuff I have not even touched on, like my mom dying of MS and my dad leaving me with here at 12 yadda yadda yadda...

Feel free to ask any questions and I know it might seem jumbled but the subject matter is so deep and there is so much to tell.

In the past IRL I have been a writer of sorts, never paid too well but have some credits to my name...I plan on wrting my whole exp in a book, that is if I ever escape this hell and actually DO things rather then daydream about them and torture myself with them when I don't...

Anyway cheers again guys and please if above does not make sense let me know...
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Old 04-09-2014, 11:59 AM
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Yes, sadly it makes sense. I'm sorry all this has happened-is happening. What you don't tell me is what do you plan on doing about it? What do you want to do?
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Old 04-09-2014, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Raider View Post
Yes, sadly it makes sense. I'm sorry all this has happened-is happening. What you don't tell me is what do you plan on doing about it? What do you want to do?
First of all thank you...

I am as said attending counseling and Friday night I will attend my first co-dependency group, although I am rather nervous about it.

Also posting here was something I avoided three months ago and honestly I had to force myself to start posting the original post, something that happens with an lot of things today.

What I want to do is get out of this apartment, get away from the environment here as although my father is no longer the monster of old the memories are still here and there is still some under current of control and abuse.

Thing is to do that I have to go through all the stuff to get disability as I really cannot work barely anymore but that medical stuff is so tied into my past abuse/exp.

Essentially I know nothing else but this pit I dug myself, and I am trying my damnedest to get out but I am so used to the patterns of abuse and addiction.

One of the hardest parts about stopping your denial of abusive situations is realizing that later on you yourself became the abuser and no one else was ever needed.

I would love to tell you that I am stopping pot right now, but then I would be lying...

Mostly because what I really want is someone to be here, somewhere to go and someone (IRL in front of me no offense to you guys) who cares about me.

That becomes scary though too, especially once you realize people are another drug to you and what can you trust then about your own feelings?

I feel slightly frustrated at the question because for me at the moment the question leads down that briar patch of a million problems to be sorted or fixed, a millions tears and a millions cries of pain, most of which honestly I am probably still hiding.

Eventually I have to kill the pot but I am afraid of dong that here. If that is an easy excuse or not I am not sure but I do know that cutting off something like pot can be nasty business and with my abuser around it might be too easy to go off or whatever.

Sooo....good but difficult question.
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Old 04-09-2014, 12:20 PM
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I can relate to many elements of your story. Scraping bowls and making phone calls is not going to change the ending. Why don't you set a quit date and make a plan? It really can be done, we promise. Keep reading the stories of others and you will find that you are not alone. Best wishes.
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Old 04-09-2014, 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted by NJNikki View Post
I can relate to many elements of your story. Scraping bowls and making phone calls is not going to change the ending. Why don't you set a quit date and make a plan? It really can be done, we promise. Keep reading the stories of others and you will find that you are not alone. Best wishes.
The quit date sounds like a good plan...I have quit smoking ciggs twice before and have to again after starting when all the stuff started with my last ex and her dying and all.

So I know the preparation can and does work.

Honestly (and when the tears well up folks you know it is deep $#1&) I am scared of stopping because it is attached to everything now.

Thank you for the thoughts and the taking the time to reply.
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Old 04-09-2014, 01:37 PM
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Hi Doctorwho,

Welcome. You sound overwhelmed. I understand, I have been there, too. You don't need to solve all of the problems today.

Keep reading and posting. If you are ready to get clean, there are a lot of people on this site who can help. Yeah, it's scary and it's not easy. But if you are like me, to continue that lifestyle is guaranteed misery.
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Old 04-09-2014, 01:49 PM
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Fatally has it. You don't need to fix everything this moment. Pick something and start. Your life isn't falling apart, it's falling into place. Pray. Talk to your therapist. Good luck friend. Blessings.
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Old 04-09-2014, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by FatallyUncool View Post
Hi Doctorwho,

Welcome. You sound overwhelmed. I understand, I have been there, too. You don't need to solve all of the problems today.

Keep reading and posting. If you are ready to get clean, there are a lot of people on this site who can help. Yeah, it's scary and it's not easy. But if you are like me, to continue that lifestyle is guaranteed misery.
I think the quit date would be a good idea, gotta do some research and learn the ropes.

I could also stay here in this thread till then, kind of getting up to speed and there are also some challenges I know I would face you guys might have exp with.


And lol, trust me, since I started counseling last August I have learned that none of this is easy, so believe me I am not thinking I am wading in a kiddie pool I know I am throwing myself in the deep end.

But I decided last July I cannot go back...so here we are.
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Old 04-09-2014, 04:38 PM
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I have a quick query guys, and plan to ask a few more once I get them collected in my mind...

But first off, how long from today should this quit date be?

I know it may be the sort of thing that differs person to person, but curious.
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Old 04-09-2014, 06:30 PM
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I would go with now. Throw the bowl out.
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Old 04-09-2014, 06:51 PM
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Hey Doctor...just wanted to let you know that I get where you are coming from. I'm newly sober from both alcohol and pot, but the pot is definitely my DOC. I've tried many times in the past to plan a date when I'd eventually stop. For me, that date got pushed back again and again and again until I said forget it and just ignored the fact that I even needed to quit. When I finally (recently) quit, I just said TODAY and got rid of all my pipes, bags, everything. For me, I can't be around it at all, at least not this early on. It's not easy but it's simple if that makes sense. I've found tons of support here on SR, gone to AA and family group meetings, and done a lot of reading. Although I still have cravings, I've found that the feeling of sobriety at the end of each night is a much better "buzz" than smoking or drinking my life away. Best wishes to you and just know, it can be done! If you ever wanna chat, feel free to PM me
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Old 04-09-2014, 07:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Bob36 View Post
I would go with now. Throw the bowl out.
That scares the hell out of me, but I admit I am tempted to do so...I keep coming up for reasons not to...

I actually just walked about a mile on those same bad legs to borrow money and could not, also offered some guy some stuff I just bought in trade.

Right now I am calm, but nervous...told myself Sunday, but with my head who can tell if it is just a load of excuses...
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Old 04-09-2014, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Mrsbee View Post
Hey Doctor...just wanted to let you know that I get where you are coming from. I'm newly sober from both alcohol and pot, but the pot is definitely my DOC. I've tried many times in the past to plan a date when I'd eventually stop. For me, that date got pushed back again and again and again until I said forget it and just ignored the fact that I even needed to quit. When I finally (recently) quit, I just said TODAY and got rid of all my pipes, bags, everything. For me, I can't be around it at all, at least not this early on. It's not easy but it's simple if that makes sense. I've found tons of support here on SR, gone to AA and family group meetings, and done a lot of reading. Although I still have cravings, I've found that the feeling of sobriety at the end of each night is a much better "buzz" than smoking or drinking my life away. Best wishes to you and just know, it can be done! If you ever wanna chat, feel free to PM me
It's the lack of a life or a RL support group that bugs me....your the second person to say NOW...it would mean at about five pm tomorrow I'd be 24 hours in...unsure and honestly scared and my mind is running with excuses...
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Old 04-09-2014, 07:28 PM
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It's definitely scary!!!! Not sure about you, but even my whole family smokes and drinks so that makes it even harder. But you already got hours under your belt which is a GREAT start!!!! You definitely have it in you to do this and always remember, SR is a great sober family and everyone is here to support you no matter what
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Old 04-09-2014, 07:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Doctorwho737 View Post
That scares the hell out of me, but I admit I am tempted to do so...I keep coming up for reasons not to...

I actually just walked about a mile on those same bad legs to borrow money and could not, also offered some guy some stuff I just bought in trade.

Right now I am calm, but nervous...told myself Sunday, but with my head who can tell if it is just a load of excuses...
We all do. I'm dying for pot coke and a cigarette right now. I worked out earlier and it subverted my cravings for a solid three hours,

It sucks. But the harder you run the further you get the stronger you become the more you like yourself, fail later- keep your now where it should be, clean,

You can do it.
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Old 04-09-2014, 07:33 PM
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[QUOTE=Mrsbee; support you no matter what [/QUOTE]

This. Success is precious, we take failure in stride and live to succeed again.

My favorite thing when I quit weed was the mountains of crap I coughed up after a week or so. I didn't feel particularly good- post drug "blahs" but started noticing that stuff was getting done, like lots of stuff.

Then comes the money.,, all the money....yay!

See you in 24 hours!
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Old 04-09-2014, 07:45 PM
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OK.

About to break this thing in half, destroy it and hope...

It was the last two posters and the person on the phone...thank you.

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Old 04-09-2014, 08:12 PM
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Hi DrWho. I saw you posted on my thread so you've read at least some of it. I'm on day 39 no weed. Honestly I couldn't imagine on day 1 what it would be like to go this long. I tried SO many times to quit. Joined here a year ago, posted a bit, fell off wagon and disappeared from site. Came back to site more determined. Failed. Tried again. Failed. Tried again. And that doesn't even mention trying to quit about once every two months for most of life, always giving in when the withdrawal started.

Point is, I kept trying and wow, I am succeeding this time! It's really wonderful. I found that a lot of the overwhelming emotions and anxiety in my life were actually caused (or made worse) by weed. I thought weed sort of helped me deal with stuff but after I got through the withdrawal, I discovered that weed was actually at least half of the problem and things are now EASIER to deal with!!! What a surprise! Withdrawal and the AV totally try to fool you into thinking you NEED it (or at least they did for me) or you're gonna fall apart. Not true. Getting professional and emotional help is wonderful but don't discount getting off weed.

And for a bit of background, my life has also been peppered with tragedy (ACoA, family member suicide, hard drug abuse, crippling torturous chronic pain, etc etc, on it goes). Coming off weed I was kind of hit with a brick in the face with all these emotions bottled up. Then the kind people here assured me that I did not have to deal with it ALL right then. I can take my time to come to terms with things. Main thing for me, get off weed. Mind becomes more clear. Am in a better place to deal with these emotions properly and not in the half baked way I dealt with them before.

I wish you luck. I know that for me there was no magical date, it was just one of the many attempts to quit that stuck. It happened after becoming totally utterly fed up, becoming really determined and reading and posting on dear SR.
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Old 04-09-2014, 08:20 PM
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Well, I read that whole thread and if this works (it will) YOU were a big part of it!
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Old 04-09-2014, 08:22 PM
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Gulp, tears welling.
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