Dee74

Continues from here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-story-21.html
D

Drummer

TE-the issue is, once again I am unemployed and want to work ASAP, once I discovered that Methadone was losing its effectiveness, simply not working, i wanted off of it quickly. I did try a kind of taper and the whole time I was just stressed about the taper, and already feeling withdrawal.

I just had to stop it all together, just like last time. Dr offered me oxy today and to taper off that. I just shook my head.

I cant go to interviews until I am better, i was just delaying the inevitable, and it was causing anxiety. So today is day 1 off all opiates, day 6 cold turkey off methadone.

Going to follow as best I can what worked for me in sept 2013, with more help this time.

I just want some semblance of my life before all of this. And if quitting opiates is going to give me at the very least a chance at that, then why not start immediately?

It is all I care about, it is what I want most, and I just cant delay it. NOW is the time, before I get a new job, before I am 10 years into opiate use with everything I cared about in my life destroyed.

Drummer

Elseware- it is sad to think I could have been at 6 months with you.

How is/was PAWS for you. Because around the 2 month mark mine was unbearable.

I know I shouldnt be thinking so far ahead, but I know I can get through this acute phase, even tho it is much worse than last time, but the symptoms are the same.

Following very closely to what I did last time. But this time I am not coming out of a year of sleep deprivation, so sleep this time is in like 20 min chunks of time. Getting about 2-3 hrs a sleep a day for around 5 days now.

Well here is what I have:
Loperamide for bowel issues
Flexeril for muscle spasms (and sleep?)
Ativan 1mg for panic attacks
Clonidine .1mg for EVERYTHING (best thing out there IMO)
Klonopin 1-2mgs at night for sleep
Voltran an NSAID for body aches and pains
Bentyl for stomach cramps
20mg Pepcid for stomach issues as well

Protein shakes
Gatorade


And last but not least, the unrelenting compassion and love from my wife and mother, for without them this task would be unbearable for me.

Unfortunately I am still alone most of the time, which doesnt help me at all.

fancyfee

Drummer, so sorry to hear you are going through this pain again. I've heard that methadone wd peaks around day7, I think?

Reading that list of comfort meds makes me so sad. Sad for what you have to endure, and for what we've all been through here.

Drummer

Thank you so much FF, i was able to get 2.5 hrs of sleep last night, it is now day 7 off methadone and day 3 off all opiates, and this is the best morning so far besides a run to the bathroom which woke me up.

Today is the first morning I feel a little human. The last 6 days have been horriffic, especially yesterday, with moments of being able to speak.

Most of my anxiety is caused by the stomach issues which lasted 35 or so days last time.
When will the acute phase end?
How am I going to combat PAWS this time so no relapse?
Will non-opiate medications allow me to do some exercise, normal life activities, etc?

So far my ankle pain is the worst, my back just aches, no sharp pain, a little nerve burning in my right leg, which is what I have been living with anyways.

Opiates just dont really work for me. I guess we had to make sure, but I wish I was still counting clean days from last Sept.

It was last friday that I stopped the methadone, i feel a little better, so that is encouraging.

I just HATE the stomach and depression/lethargy issues. Because they lasted for 40+ days last time!

I have only been able to eat liquid nutrition drinks and gatorade for the last 6 days.

cleaninLI

Drummer I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It looks like you're well prepared so I hope that helps. We're rootin for ya!

TiredEnough

Drummer, I can really sympathize. People in your kind of pain (and mine to a much lesser extent) probably need to take something but we never do it properly. It's a tough situation but at least we know what DOESN'T work.

Drummer

Yea, the opiate meds just take over. It is so nice to be able to forget about pain, ALL pain.

I feel ashamed that i tried opiates again. But in one way I now know that taking one more pill, can lead to relapse. I also learned that withdrawal gets worse every time I quit.

If there was any doubt(which there was by several dr) that my body just doesnt respond well to opiates, both mentally and physically, that doubt has been erased. I just cant take opiates for pain relief.

Your a big Fassbender fan, huh?

I remember your old Avatar, and I recognize the quote. The 2 things they have in common is MF.

TiredEnough

No shame, Drummer. You tried and it didn't work, that's all.

Haha! That's Peter O'toole from the original but you're right! Fassbender did say that alot in Prometheus I didn't think of that and how it matched my other avatar.

I guess I am a fan. He was great in 300, Xmen, and one I watched recently called Centurion. He can really act.

OpioPhobe

Drummer - I like to think about it like an allergy. Someone else might have their throat swell shut from a shot of morphine, but if I touch it again I'll wish that was all that happened.

Drummer

I was able to take a somewhat better nap today. So i am starting to see small improvements. Still feel very weak and sick tho.

Thank you all for your help

Drummer

I remember now. How everyday you have small moments of relief which grow over days and weeks.

This morning I felt a little better, but now I am just so exhausted and just feel so sick, i thought today would be better, but I only felt human for a short time and it is depressing now. It was just a tease.

But, I remember now how the recovery is an up and down battle, with the better moments increasing in time almost every day.

Ugh, i can barely move my fingers on my phone to type this.

Drummer

Well 3 hours of sleep last night. The duration of sleep is not getting much better, but the quality is slowly improving. Somewhat less sweating, i am dreaming now which is always a good sign, but when I wake up, I am wide awake, and actually was thinking about doing a little light exercise. But, it didnt get much farther than thinking about it.

Also, i fell asleep maybe 20 mins after laying down, which again is nice.

All of these small improvements can be attributed to the meds I am taking combined with my own bodies repair process.

I really hope to go back to bed in a few hours, since i fell asleep at midnight and was awake by 3am (which has been the case for the last week or so).

Ok. This is really bothering me. I need to pick a date to count from as my start date. I have been suffering withdrawal symptoms since the 8th after stopping the methadone cold turkey, but I was on a low dose of vicodin last taken on the 11th.

I just want to get close to when my body started fighting and started WD. I guess in the truest sense I have been opiate free since the 11th. Ugh.

I want it to be an accurate representation of my timeline of recovery as well to tell my doctors as well. And of course day counting is a very positive experience.

For the time being, i am going to just count from the 10th when the withdrawals got really bad. Once I get enough months under my belt I could adjust it without feeling cheated at that point.

So today is the start of Day ~5 its 3am and I have mental energy, not much physical energy. Going to look back at day 5 last sept in my posts to see if things were similar. Except i know I was getting much better sleep last time and was able to eat solid foods.

Drummer

Well it is clear that I was feeling better at day 5 last tine off oxy, so as most info has suggested, the acute withdrawal phase from Methadone is a bit nastier.

That being said, I dont think that I am THAT far behind in recovery, maybe a couple days. This could be that I wasnt on Methadone for more than 6 months, so that is better than being on it for year(s).

My brain is beginning to "wake up". I am no longer thinking from day to day. I now view things weeks and months down the road, because on opiates I just lived for the day and had little concern for the future, which isnt a good way to live.

I started using a nutrition tracking app to make sure I eat properly.

I did resume smoking when i went on the methadone, I smoke around 6 ciggs a day. But, I cant worry about that right now. In fact, i force myself to smoke these last 5 days just to avoid the withdrawal from that.

That day on sept 9th when i quit the oxy was not a total waste (although it hurts to think about how hard I worked)

I continued to eat better, I smoked at least 1/2 as many ciggs, and I learned that I can get through the acute phase of WD.

Again, the stress of PAWS lingers, april 2nd could be my first day on Wellbutrin, but in a way I wish I could start it sooner.

Thanks for listening and helping me thru this....again

godsent3

Prayers your way.....I'm 24 days clean of hydrocodone, and I don't wish the pain of withdrawal on anyone!!!!! I'm a true believer in PRAYER, and that everyday DOES get better may god continue to guide you through the darkness of the devil and into the light of god.....

Drummer

I was able to take a 4 hr nap today, which was the best sleep I have had in about a week.

I think the comfort meds prescribed by my dr, especially the clonidine and benzo is helping out. Especially with sleeping-sweats. They are still there, just not as bad.

Still no desire to eat solid food, but I am drinking nutrition shakes and forcing some solid food down once a day. Staying hydrated as well.

Anyways, a noticeable improvement again today, still feel horrible, but every step forward makes me feel better.

Drummer

Overall, today was a good day. The Voltaren NSAID is doing a good enough job with my back/nerve pain. I stayed positive thru most of the day with an eye towards a better future for my wife and I.

Right now it feels like my strength is back to maybe 50%, which is a HUGE jump. But I know there are going to be ups and downs.

I am thankful for all the great folks on this forum, i am thankful that 5 months of methadone didnt turn into years. I am thankful for that certain part of me that was still able to see thru the fog of drugs, and that I am back on track with lessons learned.

I was able to eat a full meal for the first time since last Friday!

I am especially thankful that my wife is still by my side through all of this. It has been a tough few years, and I need to make this right. The only way to truly make this right is to close this chapter of my story and start living life again.

It will not be easy, but what good things in life are easy?

I have suffered through pain and addiction enough for a lifetime, if it comes down to it, I will just have to deal with the pain some other ways. No more narcotics.

But, the fact that my chronic pain has not gotten worse, and has even gotten better without opiates gives me a clear way out. I can see myself months from now enjoying life, being healthy. My goal is to return as strong as ever months/years down the road.

People have been treating me the way I have been treating myself, like a victim, always asking about my health. Well I am tired of it. Yea, **** happens, but my return to my former self will be its own reward.

Some people see an individual with chronic pain or a disability and see weakness. I know now, without a doubt that it couldn't be farther than the truth. You simply cannot tell the level of inner strength a person has by looking at them in these instances.

My heart will always be there for a person struggling with just trying to live a normal life, when the option to give up and ignore reality is just a phone call away, or as easy as reaching in that bottle for another dose.

FT

Hi Drummer,

I wanted to say hi and glad to see you back. I was worried about you when you disappeared again in December.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through more of addiction hell. You seem to have discovered, as I did after a bunch of surgeries last year, that opiate withdrawal gets harder every time you go through it.

Of course, you also already know that pain becomes more intolerable the longer you are on opiates, which is another thing that drives up your dose, as you try to achieve the never-to-be-achieved place you got to the first time around on the opiate merry-go-round.

You are a strong and motivated guy, so don't ever lose that.

I don't come around often any more, but I couldn't help but post when I saw you were back. I took myself off public contacts, but I'll message you any time you want. I read your posts, so I'll know.

FT

Shining~Again

Good stuff here. It's true that to have people inquire about health at first words/sight, gets rough. I have seen both sides - the chronic pain patient who constantly will say "they don't understand or care" to "I am sick of being seen as a weak/in pain person." On either side, it can really mess up a persons head and heart.

I am seeing a pattern in the people I see during the week that are in the catagory of chronic pain patients. Their xrays and MRI's aren't changing but the attitude has. It's like seeing a person go through the cycle of grief.

People (I was one), get tired of being treated like a victim, weak, as a drug seeker and decide to get away from that scene.

anywho - just ramblings here since this has become a huge part of my life now. Addiction and peeps in chronic pain. Never thought I'd be doing what I'm doing but it's a very real way of trying to help.
I found a different way of dealing with pain and you appear to of taken many of the same steps.

Cheers!

Drummer

I was able to sleep a few hours, I think it is Day 7.

My frustration over the last few years of suffering came to a boiling point last night when my wife made some remarks about me, that and I am weak, and some other words I cant type here.

It made me lose my mind, i just wanted to stop existing, to wake up from the nightmare, it is a very specific feeling that I havent experienced in well over a decade.

My father would beat me with objects for what seemed to me for no reason. Once he was done THIS exact feeling would come over me.

Luckily for me by 5th grade I was over 6' tall, and after i fought back a few times the beatings stopped.

After that I began exercising to stop the negative thoughts. It worked. Sure, there has been times when i have been forced into a situation to defend myself, and I would feel these feeling come back slightly, but I have always been able to control it, for decades....until last night.

I wasnt violent, more devastated that the feeling returned, i just wanted to disapear so my wife wouldnt see the pain and frustration manifest. Mostly by crying and screaming into a pillow.

The positive energy, with a bright outlook for the future which has been sustaining my drive to get through this, is now gone. It has been 8 hrs since it happened and I still feel hopeless.

I just want this anger and desire to disappear to go back to the positive outlook I have had and that keeps me going. I fear what will happen without it.