New to SR... Coke is my battle
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
You guys or should I say, gals , Can Do This, One Day At A Time ! Keep it simple and don`t worry about tomorrow. If you take care of today, tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day gets a little better , with victories and learning along the way !
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by HereIAm27 
So glad you are here!
I will be two yrs clean and sober on the 23rd. I was an every day coke user, from the moment I woke up (if I got sleep that night) to literally laying in bed, finishing up the bag. Using coke all through work like a maniac. I've had several drug induced seizures and yet I could not stop. I had tried EVERYTHING, including every vitamin on the market. I could never get together more then five days. I moved when I was 22 and became a hard alcoholic, drinking day and night, and eventually I found a coke dealer in the new town. Repeat that story a couple times. Finally, with the help of a divorce and a DUI, at the age of 31, was able to get sober, and actually WANT to get sober. I would not be here sober today if it wasn't for AA, an amazing sponsor, the steps, the women and my god of my understanding.
Keeping you in my thoughts. 🙏 I know the struggle!!
I will be two yrs clean and sober on the 23rd. I was an every day coke user, from the moment I woke up (if I got sleep that night) to literally laying in bed, finishing up the bag. Using coke all through work like a maniac. I've had several drug induced seizures and yet I could not stop. I had tried EVERYTHING, including every vitamin on the market. I could never get together more then five days. I moved when I was 22 and became a hard alcoholic, drinking day and night, and eventually I found a coke dealer in the new town. Repeat that story a couple times. Finally, with the help of a divorce and a DUI, at the age of 31, was able to get sober, and actually WANT to get sober. I would not be here sober today if it wasn't for AA, an amazing sponsor, the steps, the women and my god of my understanding.
Keeping you in my thoughts. 🙏 I know the struggle!!
Knowing others have overcame similar struggles gives me hope, so thanks for sharing your story.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 66
Day 18--
Having a hard time today... Have been going along pretty good and today I am struggling. Could be the weather from hell depressing the **** out of me. It is SUPPOSED to be spring for crying out loud
Instead I woke up to dark dreary skies and more snow that continued to come down all day. I have gone through anger, crying spells and feelings of hopelessness. Then AV yapped that my "acquaintances" are probably having fun and if I am tired, depressed, ect. I could always call someone because it is Friday and wouldn't have to be alone.. Remembering all the fun times through rose coloured glasses-- so frustrating because I know in the end I'd be more depressed and starting over yet again. Instead I am going to make a cup of tea, re-read AVRT and then head to bed to read a girly escapist romance crap novel.
I hope that tomorrow will be a better day...
Having a hard time today... Have been going along pretty good and today I am struggling. Could be the weather from hell depressing the **** out of me. It is SUPPOSED to be spring for crying out loud
Instead I woke up to dark dreary skies and more snow that continued to come down all day. I have gone through anger, crying spells and feelings of hopelessness. Then AV yapped that my "acquaintances" are probably having fun and if I am tired, depressed, ect. I could always call someone because it is Friday and wouldn't have to be alone.. Remembering all the fun times through rose coloured glasses-- so frustrating because I know in the end I'd be more depressed and starting over yet again. Instead I am going to make a cup of tea, re-read AVRT and then head to bed to read a girly escapist romance crap novel.
I hope that tomorrow will be a better day...
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Hey, have just pm'd you.
I KNOW you CAN do this.
Just try to remember, it's your AV that is trying to convince you to use. It doesn't have your best interests at heart. It will do no anything to make tomorrow day no.1 again.
I believe in you.
I KNOW you CAN do this.
Just try to remember, it's your AV that is trying to convince you to use. It doesn't have your best interests at heart. It will do no anything to make tomorrow day no.1 again.
I believe in you.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Alone how are you doing ? Reach out - we're here for you. You've got 18 days - that's amazing ! You don't really want to have to go through Day 1-7 again, do you ??? You can do this ! How can you distract yourself ? Is there a clean friend you can get out with ? You're NOT alone -we here for ya !
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Hey guys... Thanks for the pep talks. I made it through day 18 and am starting day 19 :-)
Amazes me how the AV Beast can just show up out of nowhere and be so damn strong. I spent some time pacing around my house arguing with it but it had an answer for everything. I finally made tea and went to bed with my ipad to read here for a while.. Then turned on my app for Binaural Beats brainwaves to the anxiety session and read a boring book and fell asleep with the tv on. Wasn't a very good sleep; woke up at 3 with the tv on and had a hard time getting back to sleep but I finally did and here I am starting day 19.
Storm has blown over; day is sunny so an improvement. Am going to keep busy this morning cleaning/laundry till warm enough to get out for a good long walk. Apparently I will also be repainting my nails as I chewed all the polish off last night as well ;-(
I have to be at family Easter dinner tomorrow so even if the Beast shows up today I will have a better hold on it. That is an improvement because before I would have said to hell with it... I definitely need to learn how to just not engage in the argument. I'm stronger than I was before but it's a sneaky MF.
Happy- all my "friends" use so I'm living a pretty lonely existence these days... I'm hoping when I develop some self esteem I will have the confidence to join some groups that will allow me to meet new people... Until then I am just trying to understand and work on myself and the issues that led to me using drugs to escape in the first place.
Thanks for being here! Means a lot to have somewhere to turn with others who get it
Amazes me how the AV Beast can just show up out of nowhere and be so damn strong. I spent some time pacing around my house arguing with it but it had an answer for everything. I finally made tea and went to bed with my ipad to read here for a while.. Then turned on my app for Binaural Beats brainwaves to the anxiety session and read a boring book and fell asleep with the tv on. Wasn't a very good sleep; woke up at 3 with the tv on and had a hard time getting back to sleep but I finally did and here I am starting day 19.
Storm has blown over; day is sunny so an improvement. Am going to keep busy this morning cleaning/laundry till warm enough to get out for a good long walk. Apparently I will also be repainting my nails as I chewed all the polish off last night as well ;-(
I have to be at family Easter dinner tomorrow so even if the Beast shows up today I will have a better hold on it. That is an improvement because before I would have said to hell with it... I definitely need to learn how to just not engage in the argument. I'm stronger than I was before but it's a sneaky MF.
Happy- all my "friends" use so I'm living a pretty lonely existence these days... I'm hoping when I develop some self esteem I will have the confidence to join some groups that will allow me to meet new people... Until then I am just trying to understand and work on myself and the issues that led to me using drugs to escape in the first place.
Thanks for being here! Means a lot to have somewhere to turn with others who get it
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Oh Alone, I'm SO proud of you ! Way to go, gal ! You kicked some ass with that damn sneaky AV ! NOW you know you can ! I love it when gals kick ass ! We are strong and we Can Do It ! I had a great laugh at the need to redo your nail polish ! Thanks, that was funny ! I too am alone in my soberity , but I'm totally OK with that. I'd rather be alone and sober than with other users and wasted anyday. I quite enjoy myself with all my interests and those interests are blossoming by the day ! Each day gets better - don't forget that and with each victory like you had on day 18 just makes YOU stronger and your past weaker. You Go Gal - I'm super proud of you ! Have a wonderful Easter and remember to go for a walk if time with others activates your AV. We're here for you too!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Hi guys. I've made it to day 20!!! A record :-) hasn't been easy but thanks for the encouraging words!
I made it through yesterday without to much AV chatter. With the weather being decent I managed some yard work and a five mile walk then made a decent dinner... I also enjoyed a relaxing hottub and read till the light in the sky forced me to go in and go to bed. Had an amazing 10 hour sleep; a record but I was tired from my not so good sleep previous night. Fresh air helped as well... Gotta love not being cooped up inside.
Today, am off to an Easter dinner with the family which I hope I can get through without to much drama or stress... I do wish my DH could be home to join me but will have to get through it on my own.
Hope everyone is enjoying there Easter weekend and staying strong :-)
I made it through yesterday without to much AV chatter. With the weather being decent I managed some yard work and a five mile walk then made a decent dinner... I also enjoyed a relaxing hottub and read till the light in the sky forced me to go in and go to bed. Had an amazing 10 hour sleep; a record but I was tired from my not so good sleep previous night. Fresh air helped as well... Gotta love not being cooped up inside.
Today, am off to an Easter dinner with the family which I hope I can get through without to much drama or stress... I do wish my DH could be home to join me but will have to get through it on my own.
Hope everyone is enjoying there Easter weekend and staying strong :-)
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by AloneandLost
Hi guys. I've made it to day 20!!! A record :-) hasn't been easy but thanks for the encouraging words!
)
)
WOOP WOOP!
Soooooo proud of you alone. Fantastic. Hope the fam didn't do your head in yesterday. Looking forward to hearing all about the BBQ
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 153
Nice job on 20+ days
Sounds like you have a tough environment to deal with there, which is a credit to your strength. Continuing to post here is a great idea. Your AV will tell you it's ok to skip a day. Do your best not to.
I have tried and tried and tried to kick my habit. Each time I think I have a solution (meditation, reading AVRT, exercising all the time, staying busy with cooking/cleaning/working out/shopping/etc, talking to family, and so on). Up until now I have continued to struggle escaping it's grasp. Eventually I forget the pain. I start to feel normal again and then next thing I know I am looking in the mirror all strung out and HATING myself. That's followed by a week of intense anxiety, self hatred, fear, and always a new dedication to recovery and sobriety. For some reason, up until now, the drive faded and I relapsed.
My most extended sobriety has been when I have a support network through AA. I honestly don't like that I need it. Frankly, I'm angry about it. But I know that it works if I stay committed. I try not to think about the future. I try not to think about my concerns with the program - like, being labeled, having to go to meetings every day for the rest of my life, losing friends, wondering if I will ever have fun again, wondering if women will reject me for my association with recovery, an so on.
TODAY I cannot control those things. TODAY I can do what's best for me TODAY, which is tapping into a support system. I can talk to people that I feel comfortable talking to. I can listen to, believe, and buy into things that I feel comfortable listening to, believing in, and buying into. If I find there are things that don't feel right I try not to judge them - I just acknowledge that they are there and move on to find things that work.
As I type this I am calling myself a liar. The addict in me says I will go back to using. The addict in me is telling me to shut up and just wait until I am ready to get wasted again. That sucks to have to deal with that. But I believe that if I stay true to my recovery that voice will subside. Then it will get sneakier.
Anyway, thanks for your post and for continuing to come back. You are an inspiration.
Sounds like you have a tough environment to deal with there, which is a credit to your strength. Continuing to post here is a great idea. Your AV will tell you it's ok to skip a day. Do your best not to.
I have tried and tried and tried to kick my habit. Each time I think I have a solution (meditation, reading AVRT, exercising all the time, staying busy with cooking/cleaning/working out/shopping/etc, talking to family, and so on). Up until now I have continued to struggle escaping it's grasp. Eventually I forget the pain. I start to feel normal again and then next thing I know I am looking in the mirror all strung out and HATING myself. That's followed by a week of intense anxiety, self hatred, fear, and always a new dedication to recovery and sobriety. For some reason, up until now, the drive faded and I relapsed.
My most extended sobriety has been when I have a support network through AA. I honestly don't like that I need it. Frankly, I'm angry about it. But I know that it works if I stay committed. I try not to think about the future. I try not to think about my concerns with the program - like, being labeled, having to go to meetings every day for the rest of my life, losing friends, wondering if I will ever have fun again, wondering if women will reject me for my association with recovery, an so on.
TODAY I cannot control those things. TODAY I can do what's best for me TODAY, which is tapping into a support system. I can talk to people that I feel comfortable talking to. I can listen to, believe, and buy into things that I feel comfortable listening to, believing in, and buying into. If I find there are things that don't feel right I try not to judge them - I just acknowledge that they are there and move on to find things that work.
As I type this I am calling myself a liar. The addict in me says I will go back to using. The addict in me is telling me to shut up and just wait until I am ready to get wasted again. That sucks to have to deal with that. But I believe that if I stay true to my recovery that voice will subside. Then it will get sneakier.
Anyway, thanks for your post and for continuing to come back. You are an inspiration.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Hi guys.. Family dinner was tough as usual. I'm almost 40 but it's funny how a simple comment (or several) can make you feel 6 years old and still not good enough. I'm not sure if comments said are meant to be funny but when you've had an entire life of put downs, some subtle others not so subtle, it still stings. Needless to say have felt pretty down last couple days, which has allowed my AV Beast to be niggling at me off and on.
Today, I also ran into an "acquaintance" while out walking. Both came around the corner from opposite direction and there was no avoiding... She asked how I've been, made a snarky comment saying "We will see how long you will make it on your ridiculous righteous path" and laughed as she walked away. I almost started to cry right then and there; in one single sentence she made me completely doubt myself and gave AV more to use against me... Bitch- like I wasn't already doubting myself?
Forced myself to keep busy, doing more yard work, now I have such terrible allergies that I can barely breathe and am just plain tired. Curled up on the couch, reading and watching yet more snow/rain come down. Will it never end???
A positive (besides this being day 22) is my hubby gets to come home tonight and will hopefully have a whole 24 hrs at home. This staying on the "righteous" path, has been difficult and I am looking forward to him being home for a shoulder to cry on because he completely understands how I'm feeling. Late dinner, cuddle on the couch and watch a movie together :-).
Hope everyone is hanging in there...
Today, I also ran into an "acquaintance" while out walking. Both came around the corner from opposite direction and there was no avoiding... She asked how I've been, made a snarky comment saying "We will see how long you will make it on your ridiculous righteous path" and laughed as she walked away. I almost started to cry right then and there; in one single sentence she made me completely doubt myself and gave AV more to use against me... Bitch- like I wasn't already doubting myself?
Forced myself to keep busy, doing more yard work, now I have such terrible allergies that I can barely breathe and am just plain tired. Curled up on the couch, reading and watching yet more snow/rain come down. Will it never end???
A positive (besides this being day 22) is my hubby gets to come home tonight and will hopefully have a whole 24 hrs at home. This staying on the "righteous" path, has been difficult and I am looking forward to him being home for a shoulder to cry on because he completely understands how I'm feeling. Late dinner, cuddle on the couch and watch a movie together :-).
Hope everyone is hanging in there...
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Hi all... Just a quick update.
Day 25
Hubby got a bit extra time off but left this morning. Was so nice to have a small bit of time together. Went for our first bike ride with our dog, did some shopping. Made a couple dinners together and cuddled up on the couch and watched movies. AV was quiet the whole time.... Now he's gone and I feel pretty alone and depressed. It's overcast out and snow flakes/rain falling again because I didn't feel ****** enough lol?
It's also Friday, but am hoping that by staying in today buried in a book will keep my thoughts manageable.
Hope everyone is doing well
Day 25
Hubby got a bit extra time off but left this morning. Was so nice to have a small bit of time together. Went for our first bike ride with our dog, did some shopping. Made a couple dinners together and cuddled up on the couch and watched movies. AV was quiet the whole time.... Now he's gone and I feel pretty alone and depressed. It's overcast out and snow flakes/rain falling again because I didn't feel ****** enough lol?
It's also Friday, but am hoping that by staying in today buried in a book will keep my thoughts manageable.
Hope everyone is doing well
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 153
Good to hear things are settling a bit for you Alone... you are doing a great job! It's not easy to sit with yourself after filling in holes with substances for so long.
I am finding that its easier the first week or two or three... because the recall of the last time using is still fresh. The willingness to do whatever it takes is so strong cuz I feel so gross and disappointed - I will do anything to wash that away and get back on track.
Then once life returns I become faced with why I used. To fill in the gap, to mend a hole in my heart... or whatever. I start feeling lonely and "less that" and low and behold using sounds like a good idea. HATE THAT!!!
Today I am staying in the moment and in today best I can.
Happy friday!
I am finding that its easier the first week or two or three... because the recall of the last time using is still fresh. The willingness to do whatever it takes is so strong cuz I feel so gross and disappointed - I will do anything to wash that away and get back on track.
Then once life returns I become faced with why I used. To fill in the gap, to mend a hole in my heart... or whatever. I start feeling lonely and "less that" and low and behold using sounds like a good idea. HATE THAT!!!
Today I am staying in the moment and in today best I can.
Happy friday!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
WOW, you're doing BRILLIANT, A&L !!! Sorry, I missed your earlier posts ! WOW - I'm SO proud of you - day 23 or so - that's just incredible ! You really should feel proud of yourself and your inner strength - you've had to use it, but at least now you KNOW you have it ! Without a challenge, you wouldn't have known that ! The positive side of our challenges is learning what we're made of ! I'll bet your hubby is also over the moon with your success ! I'm sure he's MORE in love with you than before - how could he not be. Your true self will be easier to see and love ! Keep going, A&L ! One day at a time, no matter what , don't give up your hard earned freedom now ! You're out of the "hole", now STAY out ! You're a light for others here !
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Rc4dt1 your so right...
After using the guilt and negative feelings towards DOC and the reasons for wanting to stop are fresh in the mind...as more time goes by, strength and reasons for wanting to stop waver. Obviously it's just another AV ploy but that doesn't make things any less tempting for me when feeling hormonal, depressed (insert any emotion here)
I've generally always been someone who is comfortable with being alone, but it was usually out of necessity for self preservation rather than actually wanting to be alone. Im trying to use all my alone time to learn who I am and better myself ect. But I often feel like I am just hitting my head against a wall and the only difference in myself today than from 26 days ago is I just haven't used. Often it's been holding on just by the skin of my teeth.
I mean obviously, I'm happy I haven't given into the million AV temptations after the fact but sometimes it feels even harder because I've always had this pressure in my life that I had to be perfect. With DOC I was able to relax and let go of some of the unimportant details. Now I'm starting to feel that inability to relax and stop having to be in absolute control of every little thing returning and I don't like it.
Anyhow, just trying to muddle through my days and make sense of things while trying not to succumb to my own self has not gotten easier at this point. Just being honest!
Obviously I don't want to give in and throw away these days I've strung together because that guilt would feel like ****. I'm just hoping in time I'll find a positive escape that helps me relax and be free from these expectations of perfection that have been ingrained in me since childhood.
Hope everyone has a good Saturday....
After using the guilt and negative feelings towards DOC and the reasons for wanting to stop are fresh in the mind...as more time goes by, strength and reasons for wanting to stop waver. Obviously it's just another AV ploy but that doesn't make things any less tempting for me when feeling hormonal, depressed (insert any emotion here)
I've generally always been someone who is comfortable with being alone, but it was usually out of necessity for self preservation rather than actually wanting to be alone. Im trying to use all my alone time to learn who I am and better myself ect. But I often feel like I am just hitting my head against a wall and the only difference in myself today than from 26 days ago is I just haven't used. Often it's been holding on just by the skin of my teeth.
I mean obviously, I'm happy I haven't given into the million AV temptations after the fact but sometimes it feels even harder because I've always had this pressure in my life that I had to be perfect. With DOC I was able to relax and let go of some of the unimportant details. Now I'm starting to feel that inability to relax and stop having to be in absolute control of every little thing returning and I don't like it.
Anyhow, just trying to muddle through my days and make sense of things while trying not to succumb to my own self has not gotten easier at this point. Just being honest!
Obviously I don't want to give in and throw away these days I've strung together because that guilt would feel like ****. I'm just hoping in time I'll find a positive escape that helps me relax and be free from these expectations of perfection that have been ingrained in me since childhood.
Hope everyone has a good Saturday....
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Hey A&L, why not question WHY you need to be "perfect":
You need to be perfect ? Is it true?
When you believe that thought, how does it make you feel ?
Who would you be WITHOUT that thought ? How would you feel then?
Only YOU can free yourself, not a substance! It's your job to find inner peace and that can be done when we free ourselves from the "unproductive" beliefs we're stuck in. JMHO
You need to be perfect ? Is it true?
When you believe that thought, how does it make you feel ?
Who would you be WITHOUT that thought ? How would you feel then?
Only YOU can free yourself, not a substance! It's your job to find inner peace and that can be done when we free ourselves from the "unproductive" beliefs we're stuck in. JMHO
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Happy-- the feeling of needing to be or do things perfectly stems from childhood. Coping skills developed unconsciously for self preservation. I realized at a young age that if I made any mistakes I would be verbally or physically abused. I would try to be as good as a kid can be so as to be invisible and not bring attention to myself, but living that way was hard and created a constant state of anxiety. If I ever cried or showed weakness I'd be called names or hit. I had to stop showing any emotion other than "everything's fine" and now I'm unsure how to undo the coping skills I developed decades ago. It took all my energy and I realize now that was a main reason for my DOC. It gave me energy and allowed me to feel free for the first time in my life. I do know it's just another tie that binds me and keeps me from moving on, but I'm unsure how or where to begin unravelling the damage of my past that has brought me to the point of using in the first place. Frustrating!
I have no idea who I would be without the perfection tendencies as Ive never had the opportunity to figure that out.
I'm lucky that my husband has said he will support and help me through whatever I need to do no matter how long it takes. I'm just so tired and worn out and I don't know how or where to begin...
I have no idea who I would be without the perfection tendencies as Ive never had the opportunity to figure that out.
I'm lucky that my husband has said he will support and help me through whatever I need to do no matter how long it takes. I'm just so tired and worn out and I don't know how or where to begin...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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I understand how difficult past patterns can be on our current lives and they are difficult to transcend, but I think it starts by being aware of your triggering patterns and recognizing them when they arise. Recognition alone starts to break the cycle. For example, I wrote this yesterday on the thread I mainly hang out on :
I was thinking of the "real" triggers that made me use and I came up these:
1. a sense/feeling of overwhelm
2.a sense/feeling of helplessness
3.a sense of feeling "trapped" in some way - in some kind of situation
I realize now, I need to work on resolving these areas in order to stay healthy and move my life forward. Another "share" for the day with my good friends here !
I was thinking of the "real" triggers that made me use and I came up these:
1. a sense/feeling of overwhelm
2.a sense/feeling of helplessness
3.a sense of feeling "trapped" in some way - in some kind of situation
I realize now, I need to work on resolving these areas in order to stay healthy and move my life forward. Another "share" for the day with my good friends here !
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