Im letting me all hang out..

[wishIsedNO]

Hey..Im just tired of holding it all in..Im tired of hating going home...Of always trying to waste time so i dont have to face what im trying to avoid..Always running always hiding the real me...
So here I am...Im a tired scared confused little women..I wasted my teens shovling dope into my veins..I was alseep during the time when i should of been finding myself..I sit at nite and wonder..Did i really love my first love..Cause i was so messed up...That there wasnt a single moment that we were together for 3 yrs that i wasnt on something..And do i love my fiance now..Cause yea for the past 2 yrs i been clean..but for the first 2 yrs we were high as a kite..I know i enjoy him..Im comfortable with him..And i dont want anyone else..Nor do i want let go of him..But i wonder these things cause i dont know if i truely know what love is..I feel as if im still 14..You know that physchologist..who I cant remeber the name...or if he was a physchologist or a doctor..But anyways he believed that the age we started putting substances into our bodies is the age we stopped growing at..so if you began using at 27 your still 27..If you atarted at 12 your still got the emotional level of a 12 yr old..Now sometimes i challenge that opinion..Cause many of my friends who are all in the 30's and 40's say im so mature for my age...But then theres moments sorta like tonite that i feel 14..Well I guess it dont really matter rite..All that matters is that im here and im trying to do my best..and i agree...
But then there comes my family...well my dad mostly...Well this is what i really gotta get off my chest..So bear with me..If you feel you dont care of what i need to get off..Then just click the x on the corner..or go to another post..Well my dad use to be my favorite parent while i was growing up..He was so kinda and soft..Like a gentle giant..He hardly yelled at me..And he treated me like what i had to say was smart and important..It was like he was still a big kid himself..He use to take me to the park and nearly have more fun then me...My mom was like stuck in a depression..She felt overwhelmed cause my dad since he was apart of the NYPD..which he didnt want too..but he had to support his family..and hes whole family was cops so thats was the quickest and easiest way to get finacially safe..So they were both wishing that they were someone where else..But my mom showed more of an angry ugly side at that time then my dad..and when you lil u see things distorted and believe everythings your fault,..Well anyways..I dont wanna sit here and give you the whole story cause then i would have to write pages..Basically my dad and me were cool..But as i went into my teens and became a young women and started to see life as how it really is..I started to be ashamed of him..and i think that thats where our relationship started to go sour.,..see for like 10 yrs my dad was a professional boxer..Patti Flood was his manager..for the people who know boxing and live in nyc..Would definitly see how well manage my dad was..and he wasnt bad..just that he started late..when he was about to get big he lost a fight to a decision..and changed his life but it left scares..Im sure if you plummeted your head in a ring a million times it would have some damage..and i think my dad already was alil off since my grandma was a drunk and drank while pregnant with her children..Anyways back to why im writing this..Me and my dads relationship drifter..and me and him have in common the fact we dont know how to be honest with our feelings..we run from them..and i guess thats why were the two addicts in the family him a drunk and me the junkie..He always likes to point out my addiction is way worse then hes..well while is used i had no idea how bad he was..When i would go into programs and they would ask me about my family i would immediatly say im the only one who uses..I didnt see my dad as an alkie..and even now it took me a long time to admit it..I was always told i was the problem..I ruined this family.,..And then to see that maybe i wasnt the only screwed up one..was relieveing but at the same time saddening..Cause hes still my dad..And i wish no one no matter who you are the pain of this disease..
Now the reason i started this convo..Is cause now i am never able to tell him what a piece of crap i think he is..Im never able to really say how i really feel..I always act tough...I guess thats why im the one who becomes the physchologist to eveyone...But im here to say,...I aint tough..Im weak..Really weak..And im angry..and upset..And i wish finally i could lean on someone and someone just help me through this screwed up life..i caused...Ahh its all a mess...I just hope ny getting this out ill feel a bit better..I would write more..But my mom is bitching for me to get off..Im tired anyways..At nite my methadone kicks in full blast..i actually catch a nodd..and yea i know many people will look at that as wrong..but i say..whatever keeps me from picking up..and is consider legal..and i can function on..Hey im gonna do it...Thanx for lisitening..and I wish you all the best..Thanx to all of you..this forum has helped me beyond what i thought it would when i first found it..Jackie

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<---- likes to listen (((jackie)))