Sorry folks, but I need to write this...

[Dan]

Life, the last few days, has decided to introduce some new terms in the little agreement we signed a few months back. Thrown for a loop, taken aback, utterly surprised, caught off guard, take your pick. Two bright and victorious things exist for me right now. Both my children are healthy and thriving as best they can, and I have inside me the quiet yet powerful resolve to not drink or use in order to avoid feeling. Other than that, life right now is ugly and dark. I can't honestly use the word progress in any of my relationships. I am struggling with my step work, my arse being saved on that score only because my sponsor is unrelenting in his love for me. I am managing to do the do things as it has been suggested to me from the start, every day, regardless of mood or attitude. I still find it in me, in my daily contact with people, to offer assistance, a smile, a laugh, a hug or whatever may be needed. I ask for help in the morning and offer thanks at night. But I can't shake this darkness I've been walking with for almost two weeks now. I feel lonely at meetings. I feel lonely in my living room playing with my kids. I feel lonely here, with the good people in this forum. I feel lonely this very second, my eyes clouding with tears and my chest heaving with childlike sobs. Those closest to me in my support circle tell me I'm grieving the loss of many things and that the process takes time and patience. And I recognize that as being true. But something in my gut, an instinct of some kind tells me there is something else going on here, other forces playing themselves out inside me. And my fear and frustration at not being able to identify these is mounting, day by day.
I suppose I could go on and on, but that sums it up. I feel terribly lonely, and in turn getting a little angry, which leads me to feeling tired and drained sometimes. I know, HALT. I bloody know. I'm not blind to myself as I once was. But I ache in a way that is new to me. And I'm scared.
I'm just plain scared.
Thanks for listening.

[True Blue]

Dan, I pretty much felt the same way you are feeling right now in the begining of my recovery. Dan all the feelings you are having are good, if you were anything like me when you were you using you did not have any feelings. So to feel anything is good. So be easy on yourself it will pass and the longer you stay clean & sober the better you will start to feel. Keep up your step work. Dan keep asking for help every morning and give thanks at night The Big Electron is listening.
:ilu Dan here is a big cyber hug ((((Dan)))).

[Ann25]

Oh Dan!
Im glad I had a second at work to come by. I really know how you feel. I feel so alone most of the time it hurts. I wish there was a magic spell I could do to take away your pain! But we all know thats not gonna happen. What your advice to me was... your not alone!!!!! You know eveybody here cares--and anytime you need to vent--I will be here!!!!! :heart:

You have always been there for me--I hope I can return the favor!!!!!
LOVE ALWAYS,
Annie

[In memory of miracle]

((Dan)) My friend,I feel you all the way down the line.I wish I had the magic for you as well as myself.The only magic I know of that works is trusting in the process of recovery and that thing called time..if we didnt struggle some days we wouldnt be human.I have been goin in and out of the same things you shared about.Alls I can say is dont be hard on yourself.It really is progress not perfection,and faith! Keep the faith..prayers and peace to you my friend !Honesty with self and others is really where its at today and you have been very honest sharing this with us today.Somethin good will come of it...always does.WE ARE GOING TO KNOW A NEW FREEDOM AND A NEW HAPPINESS..Trish. You have come such a long way!

[dotcom]

((((((((((DD))))))))))

glad i caught this before i get working on school work. i am very sorry you are feeling this way, but in a sense, it is a good thing! it means you are moving down the "road" to a better spot. i can tell you that in months 1-4 i was a mental wreck, depressed and paranoid. i thought life would never be anything more than my insanity and that i would never find a fulfilling relationship or be able to be appropriate around others. then 5-10 were pretty bad but my mind was clearing and i was doing ok. month 9 i found this site. ive tried a lot of stuff, therapy, etc. and the only real fix is time and a will to make clean time work! and DD, you have that! it was for me, definately a blind faith i was going on from months 1-10 thats for sure. so please hang in there Dan! this will pass and the roller coaster will continue on to a better spot! like trish said, progress not perfection. people used to tell me that because i used meth i would go back out and have less of a chance of succeeding than others because of the psychosis i was experiencing. BUT THEY WERE WRONG! nothing is too big to handle DD, and you rock! we will hold your hand if you like! i cannot imagine being back in that spot again, just know that it will get better. and if you have to, write it on a postit note and stick it everywhere you go. please do not forget that! it surely seems hopeless, but beyond the clouds is a rocking life. this life i have now is not what i ever expected. i talk to people, and i dont hallucinate, or want to hurt myself or others for no reason, and the dark clouds have lifted. you will rock on Dan! too many out there giving up all the time either suicide or going back to OD or the lifestyle gets them killed. remember that, and remember that we all love you and so does your sponsor and your kiddos! too many great reasons to stick around and fight the good fight. plus, you know i would have to come over there and give you a good arse kicking like on dont quit gang! *LOL* hang in there DD. if i knew any jokes id tell you one!

ROCK ON AND BIG HUGS AND PRAYERS,

dot

[mnj1024]

hey dan, have I told you that i love you today? Well if not here it is I LOVE YOU! you have become a very valuable friend to me, and it's honest insiteful posts like yours that keep me coming back. remember my more stinkin thinkin post a while ago, and your response with the "lonely living room" yeah, i feel all by myself almost all the time. Even this weekend when my son came and stayed with me, we played ball and went to the carnival. It was great, but I couldn't help but feel disconnected in some ways, like we were there together having fun, but really not together if you know what I mean. I just keep doing what you and others have told me, don't use and concentrate on the good things, eventually this too will pass. This keeps me happy on average i'd say about 1/2 the week, and thats a heck of a lot more than it was before when I was using. yeah the other 1/2 of the week I spend wallowing in my own lonelyness. A life of sobriety was never promised to be perfect for me, but it was promised to be better. Find some things you like doing, have some "you" time. Have you picked up that old Ax lately, mabey you could consider gettn back into a band like our boy mack. I don't know what else to say dan, all I know is at some of my lowest moments feeling lonely it was your kind words that reminded me that I wasn't alone at all. thanks man big

[Timebuster]

Hey Dan

You been here for me since day 1. I look up to you Dan. You have help many here, from new comers to old timers. Give it over to your Higher Power and let it go. Just hang in there. This To Shall Pass

God Bless
Timebuster

[ashley80]

(((Dan))) my good friend. I don't know what to say. I can't offer any words of wisdom or advice, since I am so new at recovery, and I remember those feelings you speak of, the unrelenting loneliness, that I drowned in a bottle of pills every day. Please don't despair.
I have to believe there is a way out, and that you are feeling this way for a reason that will somehow be made clear to you. You have always been there for me, even when I was not really here. Hang on.
Ashley

[Chy]

Dan The Man!! We love you! I was waiting for your episode of this to occur. I know you've seen this but now I want you to really read it. Your going to be okay friend, I'm sorry though, cause right now it does suck, but it will be okay. You know what I say, chin up even if your ass is dragging!


Hope to see you tonight for the meeting.

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

[mountaingirl]

Dan, Dan, Dan. Smiling at you.
I just read the link that Chy posted and I had this strong thought: If you used now you'd have to start over. Simple thought, one you've already had I'm sure. But if these feelings are chemically motivated then you really are already healing, and so going back would put you further behind! Am I talking in circles? Wouldn't be the first time.
I'm sad that you are feeling this way. I can't help but wonder if you've given too much of yourself away, and become depleted. Look at the number of posts by your name. How many people is a sponsor allowed to sponsor? You support so many people here, its incredible. But its also hard! You need to feed yourself, Dan.
What feeds you? Music? Songwriting? What actually gives something back to you? Time to load up!
Love,

[JaySee]

Hey Dan

I admire your courage and honesty with this post. I myself have had very dark and incomprehensible feelings. Mine usually pass (after a 10 mile hike) and I learn a little and become a little stronger. Some days are real hard... Real hard. Thanks for sharing. Feeling for you mate.

Much love

JC

[spirit]

howdy dan,

mm so sad to see such an insightful man struggling here. however it makes sense, as others have said, you give so much to others, and your are working your program so well, maybe you are doing too much.

maybe you need to step back a bit, take a deep breath and then move forward.

maybe the loneliness is your head saying "you need some time alone" - regroup, regain your strength. this is all very normal mate. we struggle along from day to day and it is hard work, and sometimes it is hard to see or feel the benefits, and that is when we despair or feel lonely etc etc.

there is a difference between lonely and alone. being alone - you are in control, you chose to take the time out, be it physically or emotionally (eg. "for this hour i am not going to think or dwell about this, i am giving my head a break") you are allowed to do this you know!!. what advise or support would you give to someone who just wrote what you did hey? i reckon you would say, "hey man this is tough, youre doign well, have a break, but keep coming along!"

you can do this my friend, hugs to you, T = time out matey, then jump back on board.
(that is what i try and do, hense being out of bed at 3.25am haha - head is spinning haha, so i am out of bed, stopped thinking crap and nightmarish imaginations, grabbed a bit of reality - coffee and the puter, to settle a bit.)

hugs again
kath (sheila)

[MootPoint]

((((((((((( dan(gerous) )))))))))))))

I second what chy said......

i was waiting for an episode of this to occur. It always does. And you'll always get over it.

I'm kinda in the lonely aspect of it now, even tho i live in a house full of ppl.

You know my number!

[Novemberphoenix]

Hey Dan,

It sounds like you are walking through the fire right now. I have faith in you and in your recovery and HP that you will make it through this. I have found for me that when I allow myself to embrace the pain I am feeling it allows for the pain to move through me rather than get lodged inside me. Not a pleasant prospect, I know, but powerful the way only acceptance can be. I love you Dan, you are not alone unless you choose to be.

Be the reed Dan and let the Universe play it's notes through you.

Marie

[Dan]

Yeah, I'll be the note played.
First off, thanks to all who took the time here. I am nothing if not an instrument for the betterment of this loving community. I'm pressed for time here, but I just want to say this; I see in all of you the infinite possibilities offered me in a sober life. I see it in me as well. I sometimes need to lay it on the table, as it were.
So as a good friend tells me, I'll go turn the soil in the back yard and see what I find...
Love and Peace you guys!

[Little Missy]

((((Dan))))

Wow, everyone has said so many wonderful things to you and about you! What else can possibly be said? Just that I love you, and I'm here for you. You have saved my a$$ so many times. My family and I sure do appreciate that! You take all the love and strength that you give to all of us and use it on yourself. This seems to be a give and take kind of game we play here! Just remember you need to take to sometimes!!

Love ya man!
Chelle

[51anna]

Dan,

I agree with Kath. When you come as far as you have, as quickly as you can, sometimes you just need to pause and regroup. Maybe you need to ease up on yourself a bit. For me, it's 3 1/2 years now and I realize that in the last month I am moving into yet another phase of this recovery. My perception of myself in relation to my children and husband has changed and I, as usual, resisted this change. In the last months, I stopped resisting, looked at the change and said 'okay' and have shifted my perspective, my old view of myself and my family. All this to say, I think there are many phases that you go through in recovery. There's a lot of stuff that has to be undone and relooked at and that's what this path of recovery is. It's complicated, amazing, sad, distressing, confusing and all the rest. Hang in Dan and try to take a step back and look at your situation. You'll know in your heart what you need to do. And, Dan please take the love that is offered to you here from me and the others at SR. Yes, we don't see each other face to face, but I truly believe we know each other in a much more deep and meaningful way.We have love for each other and you need to allow yourself to feel that. You are not alone.

Love and hugs,
Anna

[Dan]

Originally Posted by 51anna

Dan,
...snip. Yes, we don't see each other face to face, but I truly believe we know each other in a much more deep and meaningful way.We have love for each other and you need to allow yourself to feel that. You are not alone.
Love and hugs,
Anna

I know that Anna, on a deep, gut level. I believe the only reason that I am progressing in recovery (yes, I am!) is because I am honest and that it took me so long to get here. I've said this before, I was a witness during many years and I took notes along the way. Call it an active addict with a conscience! So indeed, I've jumped into this with both feet first, eager to immerse myself in my own healing. Chy, I am so not surprised by you posting about PAWS! Earth Mother caring for her children! My sponsor and I recognized the onset of this last week. I fully expected it to happen, and I prepared myself for it as best as I possibly could. I have made many changes in my daily routine, including no more smokes! Working on the coffee thing still...
Simply put, it's still a measure of my addict mind manifesting itself in my frustration with the slowness of certain areas of recovery. I understand that.
As for the concerns expressed about what I do around here, I am only grateful I have the time to spend. I work nights only, I have adapted to periods of sleep at odd hours. I need to be here and give back a bit. The AA and NA crowd will understand this! I'm really helping myself by giving a helping hand, or a word of encouragement. It's all about me!:LMAO
Mountaingirl, you gave me a good belly laugh with the sponsor comment!!
I might be ready for that most noble of responsibilities in another five or ten years! But I am touched that some people here appreciate my presence. It's all I really wanted really, when I arrived here. Add to my support circle and make some friends. So far, it's kind of working out.
So again, to everyone who took the time to send me some words and some thoughts, you have my deepest sense of gratitude. And a very special thank you for the candle, my silent friend. It, perhaps most of all, brightened the room a bit.

[mackat]

Heh brother dan, mackat here.
again, affirmation for your honesty- part of the HOW this works as you know.
for me, i do tend to crash after i've been on a big creative , compassinate, passionate run. I would never demean all my BP frens, by comparing my up n downs to their clinical struggles, but i do think i have some cycle of hi n lo in my life. Is it just my addict/drama/ego? I dunno. but i do know it happens to most of us.
So i'll just say all the things that i know you will tell me when we switch chairs:
this too will pass.
god's time, not mine.
do the dishes.
i'm not much but i AM all i think about!!
took a while before i got fearless enough to call my biker/brawler sponsor and ask for a hug- he drove 4 hours to deliver.
hugs!
mackat

[NOD]

Hey Dan,
Slow down buddy.
You've been such a sparkplug on this site! You need some time to yourself. It's our turn to take half of your pain. You've been there for everybody, the newbies, the relapsers, people in need of a hug and old farts like me!
You're in my prayers today more than you know,
Jerry

[Gooch]

Dan .... the only thing that comes to mind is the expression "trudging the road to happy destiny" .. I'm reminded that though the journey may get tiresome, and may be difficult, and fearful at times... there are so many bright spots along the route. You, my friend are one of those bright spots on my muddy path. I can't tell you how many times your presence has snapped me to attention to look for the clearing in a cloudy sky.

(((((((Dan))))))

[Gooch]

Originally Posted by NOD

You've been such a sparkplug on this site! Jerry

Your right !

Such a great description Nod! .. I love that!

[Dan]

Mac, NOD and Gooch, thanks for the good vibes.
I find my spark most days in all of the brothers and sisters here.
I had another long talk with my sponsor today about PAWS. I made an appointment with a psychologist I met when I was in the psychiatric ward last year. It can't hurt to have a heart to heart with one of those. Fact is I welcome it, now. I've come to the conclusion the last day or so that's one of the things that's been making me buggy. The thought of returning to that building where I spent horrific days...
All clear! All good!
Goochie, the feelin' is most very mutual.