Wishisedno!

[dotcom]

where are you? i miss reading your posts. i hope you are doing well and hope to hear from ya soon! need to hear from someone my age! ya know? hope your well!

hugs,

dot

[Toby2k2]

Hi dot im not wish but im nearly your age (23) i always read your posts youve helped me on so many occasions,i dont post much i find geting me feelings on the screen or on paper hard but im trying here,I have 14 days clean on this run......i somtimes feel resented for being younger than some i no how ya feeling......By the way your clean time rocks i hope one day im at 15 months ........Thank you!
Toby..............x
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If we keep on doing what we are doing we will keep on geting what were geting!

[dotcom]

((((toby)))) wow! we are very close in age! i just turned 20. im glad my posts have helped you, ive read your posts to wish and they helped me too. kinda nice to "meet" some people our age isnt it! congrats on your 14 days! that is so rockin. its kinda like, since im young then the mistakes i make are because im "young". im trying to be confident in myself, it is just very difficult sometimes! you will make it to 15 months Toby! there have been times i never thought id make it to one year, and yep... i made it! and things are really much improved. keep hanging in there Toby, and im always here to listen! you can pm me if ya want to. lots and lots of bumps in my "road" so theres nothing i cant handle! hang in there, and nice meeting you "officially"!!!

hugs,

dot

[wishIsedNO]

hey dot...Yea i missed you too...My computers hard drive crashed..so we got a new one and now im back,..Im doing alright still clean..But hanging on ever so tightly...My dad had an episode yesturday...well actually it started on sunday..He came home drunk as can be..Where fixing our front door so we only got the security door so we keep that locked and you have to come in through the back...So the idiot he is goes to the back but instead of trying the damn door he rushes to conclusions and tries to open the bacement hatch door..while hes cursing and screaming waking the neighbors up...So my mom goes out and tells him to come in.,..When he does he falls while he comes in..cause hes so drunk then he grabs her and starts degrading her..so i shove him and i tell him to get the hell off of her and sed look how disgusting you look..all you are is a lousy drunk..so once i sed that i knew hed come after me so i B-lined it to the door but he grab my hair before i got there so i kick him and he falls again..while screaming how im nuthing but a junkie..shooting heroin into my veins and that he wishes he was drunk...that drinking has nothing to do with doing dope..and that im alil bitch thats lying to my mom..he sed that im probably a drug dealer...and that i st here and act good when he sees through me and all the crap he always says so he can feel im the bad one and not him...Yea im a ******* junkie..Yea i shot dope..Yea i was a horrible daughter..But im trying now...AND I AINT SELLING DOPE..i could never sell dope i do it all to deal with his crap...so i leave in my PJ's and slippers..while i walk outta the house these teens that live on my corner are walking by my house...and they all looking at my crying as my dad has the door open screaming go run shoot some more heroin in your veins..I wanted to die...They all got quiet...and look at me so i just walk away..This neighborhood isnt like our old one..Its like the suburbs..All house with middle or upper middle class people..No drunking dads with a heroin addicted daughter...or actually now a methadone addicted daughter since i aint using now...But i do find myself taking my moms sleeping pills..nothing perscribe..just over the counter ones..I gotta take like 5 to feel alil buzz..so there gone after like 2 days...cause theres like only 20 or something in them..she caught me taking the last 2 last nite and sed oh no dont take 2...you only suppose to take one..And im like i dont feel one...mean while she dont know i took a total of 4 that nite..and shes like how cant u feel one maybe you should take one and see..and im like mom...im on 80 mg of meth and i dont sleep from that..how the hell you think im gonna feel one of these over the counter sleeping pills that got like 25 mg of some very low medications...ugh...Plus i took heroin for 6 and 1/2 years...straight..she just gave me that annoyed look...and walked away...I love my mom..never thought id say that but i do...I never thought me and her be able to sit in a same room and not try and kill eachother...But now we go shopping and eat lunch..we watch t.v. together i got her addicted to General Hospital...I been watching that soap since i was like 11yrs old..Now shes annoyed cause the soap net channel she was watching it on right now has gone blank..so shes missing it...i saw it earlier at my mans house..My poor BF i make him watch it everyday at 3pm...And he does,,,he even actually lisitens to it and i think he now likes watching it cause sometimes i come to his house and im like 15 mins late from the begininng cause of the damn train or something..and he has it already on, he says cause he knows it me that buzzed...and he knows i wanna see it...But i think he likes it,..cause why in the world would he let me watch it..when we first went out i had to lisiten to HOT 97 when i like rock music...He likes rap...So he would never ever let me lisiten to my music unless he was nodded out and i would slip it in...But then hed wake up and change it, it drove me crazy..But then i started liking rap alil to the point now i lisiten to rap alil more then rock...And i really am amazed by that..and i aint the type that like follows my BF into whatever they like...Im very dominate...I think it has to do with the fact like i left all my old friends and my ex in a bad way...I grew up with all of those people...and rock music when i lisiten to it makes me remember those times and i get upset...so i lisiten to the rap cause then it brings me to now and TIMOTHY,..but i still like rock..i still dress grunge..which tim hates..I sometimes like settle..like i bought a roc-a-wear coat cause its friggin cold in the winter and those bubble coats with the fur on the hood are real warm..so instead of me layering i can just wear a coat..I saw one of my friends from high school and they saw me in that coat..and hes like crackie jackie is all thug out never thought i see the day...are you gonna tell me you work for the narc squad..I laughed..But felt alil uncomfortable,,cause the one thing i hate was posers..But then i got out of it.,I beat myself up alot..i think it comes from the character defects that come with my disease..my counselor wants me to list...Well now i got the first one..Well let me let you go..im like ripping your ear off with me blabbing sooo much..So im back..and feel free to PM me if you need too...and you know i love to talk to my peers...Jackie

[dotcom]

YAY YOUR BACK! so sorry your puter crashed, i get so frustrated when that happens. glad your back though! i am very sorry about what happened with your dad. that must have been so embarressing. my dad stopped drinking, he was never extremely drunk but would drink enough that he would just fall asleep after work and never talk to me. that must be very tough to see your dad that way. good for you for staying clean throught that... i used my dad as an excuse to use a lot. and sometimes i think i would use again because of his s***, and then i just tell him where to shove it and i feel better. so you got your mom hooked on soaps eh? heeheehee. when i was sick i really got into them! but now i forgot even which one it was i was watching. my gramma liked them a lot! she would always talk about them and who did what to who. WOW youve been watching that for a long time! thats cool! oh yeah, i can relate about the not being able to slang thing. i told my mom shed never have to worry about that, because every time i tried i just used it all haha. im not much of an entrapenuer (however you spell that). i did slang successfully once though, because my ex (deceased) took my connects bike (200 dollar bike) and it was either i pay them back or me and him both got f***** up and you know theyd have more fun f****** me up. so i successfully slanged for one week and got extremely toasted during that time from the kickdown sacks (which werent many because really what i was slanging for was not coming to me. sorta my punishment and not to be "rewarded"). but id smoke my clientel's s*** and have them order some more. not very bright clientel. i dont know much about sleeping pills, but be careful with em. it must be frustrating not being able to sleep! i have that problem sometimes... but mostly i just go right to sleep. my doc is an upper so i now spend most of my time moving at a snails pace. its getting better though thats for sure. i like that smiley. have you tried chamomile tea? it makes me sleepy. bubble baths? they make me sleepy. hey, epsom salt baths rock! they make me feel very healthy. but i wouldnt recommend it before bed because it sort of gave me a "boost of energy". i like rock and rap. mostly now i am listening to metal and rock. i am trying to get into the straight edge scene but im moving at a snails pace as usual and havent found any local shows to go to yet. my ex liked metal a lot and when he liked metal i liked rap. now i like metal. perhaps because he is gone and i miss his company i dont know. dont tell anyone i said that! haha. i am just sad because he is dead and i am just doing the normal mourning thing i guess. i like classical too. very relaxing and makes me sleepy. well, most anything will make me sleepy LOL. cool jacket! sounds warm and toasty. i know what you mean about posers. i dress gothy now, but took a long careful time deciding if that was what i really wanted to be. and eventually i decided yep, thats what i want. but i dont listen to goth music so i suppose i am a poser. but, i like local goth music so technically i am a "not sold out goth" person who doesnt like other goth music. heeheehee. when really i just like my hair black, black eyeliner, black clothes and chains. i have been doing ok. struggling though with health and being a general disorganized mess. i am trying to get into an outpatient program down here, i think i need that. i dont want to lose my marbles, ya know? and my pride makes me think i dont have a problem. what a joke! well, anywho, as you can see, i dont mind blabbing! haha! i am so glad you are back. i was worried about you and i missed talking to someone my age. well, keep rocking and i will pray for you and your family. i hope things get better and keep doing what your doing!

hugs,

dot aka Jess