Being "ready"?

[ashley80]

This may be a dumb question - I'm not thinking all that clearly these days. But I have been told more than once that I will get clean when I am ready. I want to be ready! But I keep letting things get in the way of what I need to do - surrender, go to NA, go to rehab, etc.

How do you make yourself "ready????" What does it take? I've admitted I can't do it alone. Seriously. I've tried to quit, relapsed, tried to quit, relapsed. Now I'm using every day, and I can't go to rehab if I'm not clean. When will I be ready? I've admitted my problem to my husband and a good friend. Told them I am currently using. They have both said you will do it when you are ready. Sorry if this sounds lame. Maybe I am really messed up in my thinking, but how do I get ready? Put down the drugs? Go through withdrawal? I guess that is the first step (again).
My therapist thinks I'm ready. I think he's wrong.
Pain pills are a tough addiction. You don't have to sell your TV and spend your last dollar to get your DOC. You can use and no one knows. I guess I'm whining here. I hate this situation I'm in. But maybe I don't want to get out of it badly enough. Can I go to NA and ask for help in the condition I'm in?
Ashley

[ted]

I CAN RELATE ASHLEY,BUT KNOW THERES ALWAYS A LOWER BOTTOM.
I STRUGGLED LONG AND HARD FOR YEARS,STILL AM,JUST NOT GIVING IN TO THE CRAVINGS "TODAY".IT CAN GET WORSE IF WE KEEP USING.KEEP GETTIN UP,DON'T GIVE UP!KEEP IN TOUCH,WE'RE ALL THE SAME HERE.

ALCOTEDICT, KEEP FIGHTING ASHLEY!

[Dan]

Ashley, I know a few people who sold their children's bicycles to get percocets. I also know people who got the royal sh** kicked out of them for trying to score a dime bag of weed with no references. Extremes? You bet. Common denominator? They are addicts. Simple. Pain pills are as insidious and addiction as you want it to be I think. I've rarely seen pill poppers go on a rampage, although I'm sure it's happened. You don't see them lining up at the pharmacy ten minutes before the doors open, like you see the drunks at the liquor store every morning. You are no different Ashley. You are addicted to a substance like the rest of us. You may try to give to your addiction a kinder face, a sort of acceptable exterior appearance, but you are simply deceiving yourself I think. I think you are doing well in your coming to accept a few things. But I would be dishonest if I told you all of the reasonning in your post is right. It's a big stuggle ashley to take power away from the substance. You know that.
You can walk in to a room of NA at any time. You have an honest desire to stop using? Then you've met the membership requirement.
Hugs my friend.

[Gooch]

Agree with Dan here.. There is only one requirement for membership.. The desire to stop using. It's suggested that you don't have to be clean to attend the first meeting.. although in order for the process to work, abstinance is required, so It's important to keep coming back clean.

The only way I could really tell I was ready was to go to meetings and keep trying to stay clean a day at a time. After I had been clean a while I decided I must have been ready the last time I picked up a welcome chip and that was nearly 13 years ago.

[ashley80]

Thank you Ted, Dan, Gooch, for the thoughtful responses.
I blew my chance to start rehab tonight (not clean - gotta be), but from what you guys said, I can still go to NA. I have to start somewhere. I guess what you are telling me (sorry I'm a slow learner here) is that you don't have to wait till you are hit by a bolt of lightning that says: "YOU'RE READY NOW!" You just have to keep trying.
And I know I have the desire to stop. I wouldn't come here, and go to therapy, and obsess about it all day long if I didn't want to stop. So I am going to find a meeting and see what it's like. I know it can't hurt.

And I know I need the rehab. I have so many issues surrounding my addiction that I need all the help I can get if I'm going to be successful. Like most addicts, I guess. Nobody starts using drugs because their life is just peachy.
Every time I am alone with one of my daughters, I have an almost uncontrollable urge to tell them the truth about myself. But I am trying to wait until I have at least a few clean days before I do that. It will be so hard to face the hurt and anger that I know is coming. It's just so much easier to pretend it's all cool.
Well, thanks for listening, again. How many times have I posted on this forum that I'm going to try a meeting? Too many. But maybe this time I'll follow through.
OK, so I found a meeting, tonight, at 8 PM, a quarter mile from my home. I'll let you all know how it goes. Not sure I'm ready, but.......

[ted]

NOW THATS THE SPIRIT!
MEETINGS HELP SOOOO MUCH.
SEE IF YOU CAN GET A TEMPORARY SPONSOR TO HELP YOU GET STARTED.
PREFERABLY FEMALE TO FEMALE,SOMEONE THATS GOT WHAT YOU WANT.
SERENITY!
KEEP IN TOUCH,LET US KNOW HOW IT WENT.

ted

[mackat]

ashley
mackat - addict here- i do NA
i agree with every thing said here
i hear you say that you have admitted you are an addict- that is the first part of step one. my sponsor told me that i needed to look at the second part of that step to really begin this process
I found a lot of help in NA's Basic Text- especially the chapter, 'Who Is an Addict"
"each of us had a few things that we never did. we cannot let these things become excuses to use again" p6
glad you are here , hang in there
mackat

[dotcom]

ash,

hugs and prayers coming your way! good topic. being ready... i did not have any "meaningful" clean time until i was ready to stop. when i wasnt ready, i continued to put myself in dangerous situations which led to... relapse! and i always wondered why? hmmm... it was because i was not as they say, "sick and tired of being sick and tired". i did not mind the occasional binge and would justify the comedown because i would binge and it felt good. and when i was in using mode, i did not care about anything other than myself. and i was okay dokay with that. i did many things that i felt justified my using. and when i was ready to quit, i was ready to admit i had a problem with all the other crap too! not because of the 12 steps, but because i hated what i had become. i was no longer a person. i hadnt been for quite some time, but i was okay dokay with it. i figured, if i could still function to some degree that i would be fine. but, when i hit my bottom, i was physically, mentally and emotionally drained. and the amazing thing was that i KNEW i was drained. and i saw my life slipping slipping slipping away. nothing anyone did or said made me want to change. nothing they gave me, nothing. it is not easy to climb aboard the wagon, its the hardest d*** thing in the world. there is always a reason to use, there is always a reason to CONTINUE to use. i was looking for a cure, for a perfect 100 percent reason to not use, for the right time, for the perfect moment. and nope, there isnt one. no right time, no perfect moment, nada. for lack of a better word, its a b****. but, i can tell you that it does get better! give yourself some clean time and work on yourself. and soon things will begin looking up. but its just that first hurdle that is always sooo tough. trust me though, once you hop that first one the others will come easier!

hugs and love,

dot

[ashley80]

Well, I did go to my first meeting. It was pretty scary, but I made it through the whole thing. Got some numbers. Still processing it. Thanks for all the support, everyone.

[wishIsedNO]

Well ashely Im gonna tell you what my counselor has told me..Cause a few months ago i told him the same thing...And im still sorta see-sawing back and forth...
He sed..Well Jackie (ashely) sometimes you gotta fake it till you feel it..Go to detox..Go on to rehab if thats what you choose thats rite for you...Then when you get out go on to make 90 meetings in 90 days..If you dont feel it just keep on till you do...You do have a problem with your thinking you are messed up..We all are..We have this disease they call addiction...Its based on our obsession and compulsion to use our drug of choice..We arent well...And thats why..whatever you did before do the opposite..Do whatever makes you feel uncomfortable..Or makes u wanna run..and just got back to the same thing you been doing..which ends up taking you back to your addiction...You have made the first big step..You want to change..Which is for some better then what they got...I know for a long time i would say i wanna stop..but i cant get it...And i look back and i see either i didnt want to..Or yet i think the better way in phrasing that.. is I wanted too..but didnt have the guts or the strength to do it..Recovery takes alot out of you and it also is alotta work..Its easy to sit back and use and watch everything crumble behind us...Cause we know failure..we know how to use..and keep on using even after it aint fun and becomes a full time career..But we sure as hell dont know how to quit..To take all our old so-called friends and dump them and make new ones..We dont know how to be totally honest with ourselves..and to change our habits and bad characteristics that got us where we are in the first place...ts friggin hard..I know for me i thought when i put down dope and just learn to stay away and stop hanging with my using buddies...and go to groups and stick close to home that everything will get better..I thought i was the problem in my family..I thought once i got clean after a year or so they will trust me again and we will become a t.v. sitcome..and live happliy ever after..and ill get a career in counseling or helping troubled kids, but now i see it sure as hell wasnt that simple..And i wasnt the evil one in the family..That i was the scape goat for everyone elses problems..Cause i was just the one who couldnt deal...and ran to dope instead...I have a disease..and so does my family..Im slowley changing there not..and i gotta deal..Cause it comes down to...What do you want...Either you can suffer now and be happy later..Or feel ok now but suffer the rest of your life...
Well i guess i went on alil to far..But like i sed..you have the first step..now you just gotta stick it out for the rest..recovery is a process...We didnt get sick overnite..We sure as hell aint gonna get better..And for your husband and family..Even thought they dont use that doesnt mean they dont share in the disease..I learned my mom and sister are terribly co-dependant..and the worse part is there in denial about it all...
I wish you luck..and hope you stick with it...Feel free to PM me if you ever need too..Jackie

[Jon]

Ready:

1.Prepared or available for service, action, or progress: The pupils are ready to learn to read.

2.Mentally disposed; willing:

3.Likely or about to do something: She is ready to "get sober??? "

[godsonmyside]

Being sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's a ready point for me. I just could not or would not live as I had been living any longer. Everybodies bottom is different. NA is a good place to find what recovery is and how to recover. I wish you the best.

[fuster]

Ashley:

If you have to ask, you aren't ready. I agree with you, you are not ready.

Can you go to 12 Step support group meetings if you are still using? Yes, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using/drinking. It does not state you have to possess the present capacity to stop, only have the desire. You should shop around for meetings that you know are convenient enough that you will not use that as an excuse not to attend.

You also may want to search your soul for your limits on making yourself promises, since addicts and alcoholics constantly break promises they make to themselves and bargain with themselves to destroy their own plans to get healthy. Once you find a line you won't cross, make a few reasonable promises to yourself that fall within that boundary. Such as "I will go to this (these) meeting(s) every week and not make excuses not to go".

You are a solid candidate for detox. Buprenorphrine has been used successfully by some M.D.'s to ween addicts off of opiates (such as pain pills) while minimizing some of the withdrawal symptoms. Have you looked into having that done, or just getting into detox?

I buried a close friend about four years ago who tried "his way" to get off pain pills and some other downer medications. 43 years old. He could not take suggestions from others and was too ashamed to admit to people in recovery that he had a problem. And he would not go to meetings. He wanted it on his terms, and well, he got it.


:banghead:

[namommy]

One thing keeps coming to mind while reading your post. Quote: "The price may seem higher for the addict who prostitutes for a fix than it is for the addict who merely lies to a doctor. Ultimately both pay for their disease with their lives." Step 2, Basic Text, pg.23.

Go to an NA meeting, you will find the support and the help you need.

As far as being ready, this last time I got clean, my mother asked me why should she believe this time would be any different from all of the other times I tried, All I could say to her was "I don't know" I'll just have to see what happens. I guess I was ready because here I am. 7 years and 9 months later.(even 7/9 today)

Love ya

Laurie D.

[NOD]

Hey (((((((((Ashley))))))))),
You're ready, go for it!
Hugs and prayers,
Jerry

[ashley80]

Jacki, thank you for sharing that. I hope you are doing OK today!!
Jon, yes, she is ready, thanks.
Fuster, I have used buprenorphine twice in the past to detox. It is a wonder drug for relieving the physical WD symptoms. But it only works as part of a complete program that includes support such as NA. Otherwise relapse is (for me, anyhow) inevitable. I can't do it alone. Thank God I do not have to try anymore. I'm not a closet addict anymore. Most of the people in my life that are important to me now know about my addiction. It is a very free feeling. No more lies.
Laurie, thank you for the quote. It rings very true for me. I did pay with my life, because I had NO life. I had just enough left to finally give in and surrender. I am so happy for your 7 years. That is wonderful. I've been going to NA meetings for a couple weeks now. Start rehab tomorrow (outpatient).
Jerry, my friend, thank you. I am ready. And I'm hanging in there on day 6 with no pills. Feeling pretty much like dirt, but I'm not going back. Not today, anyhow.
Ashley

[Dan]

Originally Posted by ashley80

Not today, anyhow.
Ashley

That's big Ashley.

[fuster]

Originally Posted by ashley80

.
Fuster, I have used buprenorphine twice in the past to detox. It is a wonder drug for relieving the physical WD symptoms. But it only works as part of a complete program that includes support such as NA. Otherwise relapse is (for me, anyhow) inevitable. I can't do it alone. Ashley

That is true for everyone, IMO. I was suggesting the buprenorphrine, but assumed you were going to f/u with treatment, aftercare and meetings. Hope your weekend is going o.k.

[Jon]

Originally Posted by ashley80

Most of the people in my life that are important to me now know about my addiction. It is a very free feeling. No more lies.

Ashley..that, to me, makes all the difference in the world. When I am open and honest about whatever it is I am going through, the feelings of lonliness and dispair seem much, much smaller.

It's those feelings that take me out, and so it's imperative that I let as much light as possible shine on my addiction. I have to own it, and therefore, be responsible for it.

At times I fall back into isolation and self-loathing. It's those times that I am in the most danger.

By surrounding myself with like-minded people, I don't have to get sick anymore.

And I dont want to get sick anymore.

Do what you know you need to do Ash. You'll be just fine...

[ashley80]

Thanks, Dan-Fuster-Jon. I think back to when I first came here, end of January and the things I posted then (forever lost now!). I have come a long long way, and I don't think I found this site by chance. I'm still scared for my recovery, and of the future.
But I can already see the difference that honesty is making in my life. Day 7, and I will make it through today without using. Sundays were always my favorite "using" day because I needed the chemical energy from the pills to take care of everything, making a huge dinner for my family, my kids' friends, my friends, and anyone else that happened to be around.
Today's dinner may not be as elaborate as the "drug dinners," but it will be OK, good enough. And I will ask for help in a way that lets people know I really need it. I'm sure this seems pretty lame and small to some people, but for me it's a giant issue.
It has to do with the "can't do it alone" issue. Dinner, recovery, whatever. I need to stop trying to do it alone. Thanks for listening - again!!! Hugs to all of you today.
Ashley
PS, STILL feel like dirt. Achy, sweaty, blah blah, complain, complain.

[fuster]

Originally Posted by ashley80

Today's dinner may not be as elaborate as the "drug dinners," but it will be OK, good enough. Ashley

Sorry, but that made me laugh - at my own memories of similar behavior way back when....

Wait till you have a few years of sobriety. You'll see how the underlying behaviors are still there, and the real work of "recovery" starts. Hard to have that perspective from where you are, but it gets better, just hang in there and I hope you find yourself at some good meetings for that oh so precious company along the way.

Feeling worthless is part of the disease, and nothing seems "good enough", even the way you prepare dinner....it does get better, though. Don't leave before the miracle happens.

[ashley80]

Actually the dinner WAS good enough. And no drugs. Just family and friends who all knew the truth about my addiction. Barbecued mango-curry pork chops with cilantro sauce, caesar salad, melon with honey lime dressing and coconut shortbread cookies.

Just think how good my dinners will be when I have a few years of sobriety. (or maybe I'll give up cooking, who knows?) Glad I made you laugh.
A