Today...

[dotcom]

I have been feeling pretty good, and then I started thinking... I have really "slowed my roll" this week, by not taking on too much. But I was shopping at Walmart today and just started feeling like I miss the sunshine, smoking cigs, the drugs a little bit. I just do not feel very fulfilled today. I am not the nice person everyone here thinks I am. I like all of you have my skeletons in my oversized closet and they are rattling today! I just feel so much like I need to be punished. It is not worth living out here with the horrible ring of the cash register that only reminds me I got away with all of that crap and am now out here living the life I do not deserve. It is not just the ring, it is the people waving hi at the front of the store, the nice shopping cart man, the lady with her baby in the cart. I do not deserve this life. I bought a DVD player today and I despise it. I would rather live paying for my actions than live with secrets and a new DVD player, and I'll be darned if I tell anyone. I'm not stupid. But at the same time, I want to tell on myself! It is funny, but this has not got anything to do with the way someone makes me feel, or anything anyone "did" to me. It is about me not being able to live with myself anymore.

I was driving home from work and began veering off to the avenue when I remembered the kindness of a member on this site, ahem, Chy. She sent me a birthday present and it made me feel really special. I just do not feel deserving. I wish I could pay people back in some positive way. F*** volunteer work, or picking up trash and saying somehow it makes me feel better. I want to feel like I am not a coward and be relieved. I know I will feel better. I am not catholic, but think I will go visit a Catholic priest in his box thing.

I think this all started when I was eating a burrito the other day parked in front of the taco shop and a cop had a problem with that. Then we went through the whole run through and he ripped my car up and proceeded to ask if I had ever been arrested knowing well that I had been. And he was convinced there was a sack in there and I was nice but he just took that as being a wise ass. Yep. I was surprisingly calm, perhaps wishing he would just talk to me long enough that I would ask him to please take me away so I can be miserable for awhile. Dot will always be the same dot to them... and I am the same dot. I have not changed! It is terribly pathetic that I have convinced myself that I have somehow changed. I will always be pulled over and searched and prodded and made to wait until I am blue in the face... and no matter how many times I come out of it without having anything illegal or any warrants, I am still the same person. And they know that and now I do to. HAHA. Pathetic I know.

[Dan]

Dot will always be the same dot to them...and I am the same dot. I have not changed!

As far as "them" dot, that's out of your control. As for you my young friend, we sometimes have to strain our eyes and look back on the road just travelled. On some days, it's just harder to see the tracks we left behind. Today dot is where you are. You will see the progress you made again. You just don't see it today.
(((dot))Dangerous

[2stop]

(((Dotster))) I am so sorry you are having a tough time of it rigth now. It will pass you know..but oh how I know it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. The frustrations in recovery are unlike anything I have evr known...paints our whole world one color..usually black I am finding out. I go through this alos. I think, man if everyone at SR knew what a miserable b** I REALLY was, and how worthless and pathetic I REALLY am..they wouldn't talk to me anymore. At the time I ma feeling this way..it feels real. I have to strat talking and thinking differently to start FEELING differently..and it is as hard as any physivcal labor you will ever do.HARDEI think.
I think what is going on..you have to begin to forgive yourself. I have my struggles in this area...but it is getting easier. Takes some mental manuevers In am not quite comfortable with..but it is slowly working. I have had to say eff the things i absolutely cannot control..and mean it..and then work only on what i can control.Ther have been many days the only thing Icould accomplish was to stay alive, to not whack myself before the kids got home from school..because at that moment I fully and honestly believed myself to be a complete failure.
Another thing I noticed was deep unresolved anger brought on these feelings. I had to cry and hit and holler...get it all out.

Hang in there.....if I can do anything to help let me know, I just hate to see you suffer. There IS hope my friend. I know how hopeless it can feel, and how dark and alone it gets..hang on. You are going to make it. You are stronger and more resilient than ytou know.

***warm warm hugs***

[2stop]

A poem I just wrote for you dearest Dotster....(((Hugs))))

Looked back at my life today
and all I've ever done
hated what I saw
despised what I had become.

Miserable in my own skin
I cried and wept over all my sins
I begged the Lord my soul to take
I could not live with my mistakes.

Finally I fell asleep
in my dreams I still did weep
and then I heard the loudest shout
it was my name being called out.

My child..my child!
do not despair
your life is not beyond repair
the scars and wounds
I know they hurt
but you have purpose, you have worth.

The best is yet to come
though you cannot see it yet
I've seen the kindness
that you give
these are the things I do not forget
all the rest..it is forgiven!
But you must also
put to the rest
the shame, the guilt, all the mess
forgive yourself...you're not your past.

You're only human
it's okay to fall
just stand up taller when against the wall
look beyond what's in your face
there's so much more taking up space.

Reach into your heart
into your inner core
and give to YOU
what you give to others....
such kindness, dignity and grace.

So many great things
waiting on your wings
so take your dreams
and make them fly
be at peace....
the past has died.
Call on your angels as your guide.....

[dotcom]

(((DD, Tam)))

Dan,

Thanks for that! Tomorrow it will look better I hope.

Tam,

It does seem so friggin bleak! I feel sort of like I am losing my mind or just do not care anymore. After school today I just drove down this long windy road and didnt look back. Just felt relief that I was going somewhere and did not care to look back. Of course, I found my way back home, haha. Geez, the only thing keeping me from dropping out of the race is that it things will only get worse. And I dont think I can handle things getting any worse! Things are going well, but you know what I mean. I also love studying now, gets my brain excersized. So that is something to look forward to. But why look forward when everything is already ruined. Thank you very much for the poem Tam. It is beautiful! You really have talent! That is for sure! And you have been such an encouragement to me. Don't know what I would do without ya! Being an addict really sucks. But being me "still" sucks more I think. I must avoid depressing music for awhile. You know though, despite that, I am very fortunate to be alive. Even if I am still that bad person, I have done a lot to improve things. And I have not lost my mind yet! There is an accomplishment! HAHA! For sure an addict can understand that! I will keep reminding myself that the past has died and will keep your poem close to me! Thank you for that! Enough of my pity party! I will rock on! a-ha! I think you may be an angel Tam!

Hugs and Love,

Dotster :star

[Chy]

Jess,

I'm not sure where you are in your step work but as you progress and get to step 9 making those amends I think you, like me have to make that first amend to yourself. You see, this is where I had stalled in my program. I was feeling pretty good, calm and peaceful, but not honest. Honest in that if I am to do what is suggested to find that warm fuzzy fullfilling peace I had to come to terms with who I am what I've done and where I've been. I had to accept the fact I am an alcoholic, and alway's will be. In so doing though I have to love myself, accept me and all my faults. I had to forgive myself Jess, and that wasn't easy. So I really understand where your at. I finished that amend to myself this past week and I am able to live with myself, accept me for me, and forgive myself for my history. I put it in the God box when done, and it's up to him to take away the burden of those feeling now. I've done my part.

When I had my meltdown a couple of weeks ago over this my sponsor said to not be ashamed of all my past, because it's my experiance to share with someone down the road just like me. Those same feelings of shame, guilt and self-loathing were all part of my past and my experiance. Your going to do wonderful things sharing your experiance Jess, you may not think so now, but some day it will all come back to you in a positive way. We're addicts and alcoholics and so long as we remember that we, just like everyone else on this big blue marble have flaws as well as attributes, and enough experiance to impart to the newcomer feeling the same we can be good members of society with something very special to share. Love ya kiddo, your allright!

[woodtick]

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were ones that he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that in his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!

-Russel Kelfer

[ashley80]

Hey, Dot, you know how much you have meant to me in my recovery, right? Last week you were in the future. It's so hard to stay out of the past. Sometimes it won't leave you alone.

[Justme57]

(((((((((( Dotperson))))))))))

I am in the same place somewhat . I dont know if I can ever like myself , ( never have) , and at this point , cannot see me ever forgiving me , that's for sure . I have so much guilt about neglecting my son, and the effect it has had on his life , and now on mine , sigh .

i was discussing this with an older sober friend last saturday, and she lent me a book which i am finding amazing

it is called " The game of Life , and how to play it " by Florence Scovel Shinn, I had a look at Amazon, and they have all her writings for $ 14:25 I think I will buy them. its worth a read Dot.

LUV ya

HUGX
Lee

[mackat]

Dot
We all arrive with a Past. I have operated the majority of my life under chemical control. And, like the basic text sez, i forgot what it was like before i began using, forgot about social graces, acquired strange habits and mannerisms...forgot how to feel [paraphrsd p6] Today, 8 yrs into this recovery thing, i can still be totally blindsided by some reminder of my past- some dream i wrecked, some innocent i trashed, That was who i was. That is what i did. My sponsor reminds me [when i forget] that i have indeed taken responsibility for my recovery. that i've worked those steps [more than once] that my life today is all about the beginning. And then i get to laugh about "masquerading as an adult" when i do adult things like pay the bills, or make my bed or [tee hee] stop and pull the deputy's car out of a ditch last winter!!!! And yes there were those who stopped to proclaim that it was a sight they reckoned they would never see in this life!! so i get to laugh. and a short while ago i wuz crying. Must be turning into a human. Amazing.
you too
mackat

[dotcom]

((Chy, Brent, Ash, Lee, Mac))

Thank you for all the good stuff to think about and the poem. I have done a lot of thinking. And still am thinking. A change must be made somewhere in my life and I am mulling over options. Today, I dyed my hair and did an excellente job at work. School came and I got a 68% on a test, which isnt bad considering I was not there for a week.

I still feel like people will always see me and be thinking I am up to no good. And... who can blame them? I also feel I should be punished for the things I have gotten away with. Then, I paused and thought about my HP who I choose to be the Christian God. If I truly believe in my HP, then I would know that Jesus died for ALL my sins. That brought me peace and comfort for about an hour. And it has helped the sting go away. But, who am I? What do I want to do with my life? How do I go about unloading these things without "exposing" myself? I have not been to a meeting for awhile and am feeling good about that. I do not know why, I just feel like that is a good thing for me right now.

I am wandering down a road... don't know where it is going, just know it is not leading to dope. Although the thought of a hit right about now is refreshing. But, looking at it from a new perspective really helps! I am not only an addict, I am a person and there are so many things not to use for. I think I have been saturated with recovery, if that is possible. And it is time to back off for a few and rock on.

I took up the drums again, because I missed them so much. They are a rocking hobby. I hope you all are doing well. Thank you for all the ESH!

Hugs and Love,

dotster

[2stop]

You are doing awesome Dotster! And you will start to feeling better when you look in the mirror and see what we see. A bright, creative, energetic, compassionate and strong woman. I so wish you could see what we see in you...I know you will though. Takes time though. I have always been the last to see my positive attributes.....because I was too concerned and worried about my fallings and failures. We are so much more than what we do..we are mainly what we think. And miracles can be createdwhenwe change our thinking. Hard at first, then a bit easier. You're doing much better than you think. It's okay to be rigth where you are at. Don't pressure yourself. It will all come together. And quite frankly you are way ahead of the game because of your age. Just hang in there..your miracle is coming...and you so deserve it!

***Warm Supportive Hugs***

[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{dot}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I know we havent actually talked much..Somehow i feel your specialness through the words you have typed to me and others!!!!The first night i came here actually.you were the first to reach out to me!!!!Thank you dot...
I have a complete other side to me as well.i think we all do!!!
Remember this..you are what you surround yourself with!!!
Please work on putting your energy into putting positive thoughts in your head!!!!just for today.when you wake up the next day do it again!!!
If you dont like something about yourself.then change it..its all about choices.I am sure you know that..sometimes we just need gentle reminders of it.I am impatient.I stomp my feet when i dont get my way...I work real hard at not getting loud but still do sometimes..I tend to pout when i dont get my way..Also i used to hit everyone i got mad at!!! It has been 9 yrs since i hit my kids or my hubby!!! I still want to at times,LOl.the important things arent what you THINK but what you DO!!!!
Stop beating yourself up .Pick yourself and do something for someone else to get outta yourself.do it today!!!! I would just hate to come here and see a post from you saying..I had a relapse..you have come too far to be lookin back over your shoulder woamn!!!! Who cares what "they" think!!!!! Its what "you know"that counts..now c'mon follow us and DONT LOOK BACK!!!
You are a wonderful inspiration to me!!!
Pm me if you feel the need.i will be on later tonight...keepin you in my thoughts today!!!{alwaysrunnin}
:council:

[Dan]

Jess,
I wish so much I could convey to you the emotions inside me in a way other than through your comp screen. I remember (in certain moments of clarity) when I was your age. I've yet to remember anyone from my youth quite like you. Sure, there were lots of positive, energetic and driven girls then. Hell, I might have dated a few of them! But you dot are truly special. I envy the ones close to you, for they enjoy a special treasure, a unique blend of effervescent youth and ancient wisdom. I miss you Jess. I know you will come out of this blue time stronger and and wiser.

Dan(gerous)

[dotcom]

(((Tam, Always, Dan)))

You all are too kind! Today I am not worrying about pressuring myself. Going to really get into journaling this weekend. I am going on a trip with mum and it will be great. Surrounding myself with good people (other ladies are going) and I will get some good people support. Although, I do not like to share my weakness I will journal about it and find some comfort. I'm getting really angry and it scares me, I saw this girl I hate at Walmart yesterday and almost ripped her head off... but, I turned in the other direction and breathed... breathed... breathed... thought about the consequences and gathered myself. The coppers would love a reason! LOL, it is kind of funny though. I can see where they are coming from and one copper even told me he knows people change. I think that was very kind of him. They think I am gang affiliated... what a sack of poo that is. Granted I hung with a lot of gang members (but I think we all can gather that my status was purely "physical") but it is pretty complicated. Especially when they keep seeing you with those that you supposedly are not affiliated with. And now, it is just hilarious. There she goes! Field interrogation time! Haven't been around those people in ages, just the past is kicking me right now. It is cool though, I am rocking on. I am crime free!

I really need help! So I am going to get me some. Playing drums helps and this weekend will do me good. I just know it. It is hard to explain where I'm at, although I know you all know where I'm at. It is a place of growth I am sure. Now, if I can just keep myself from confessing to a policeman all of my "sins" and remember that Jesus forgave me and HP's given me a new life! Yes, I am taking the coward's way out. But hey, I'm a clean coward! And do not fear me relapsing! Me and the ol HP will handle things (I may come back on a stretcher, but he's got me! LOL). It's bout time for an a** wooping from the HP anyway. I'm ready. Just bring it on! LOL

Hugs and Love,

dotster :ilu all!

[2stop]

((((((((((Dotster!))))))))))) You're an amazing gal you know that?? I love your attitude....you are going to do fine, you have everything it takes to make it. Heck..you're ALREADY making it. I can so relate to the Wal-Mart incident. I have grabbed a hold of my cart so many times just knowing I would be in jail before nightfall for whoopin someone's a**. Yikes!! I have quite a temper at times. Hubby says it's just the Italian in me....but what it really is I have astrong sense of what I label justice..and when it's been crossed I take it upon myself to serve justice...wrong thing to do! I am not a fighter by nature...but will go a little nutty on occasion! Every now and then I get a rage inside me that I don't where it is coming from..these are what scare me..but I have figured out it just means I have some things to deal with and I may have to do a bit of digging to identify the anger and find solutions to dealing with it. Find a way to vent that rage out/ Drums sound like a good outlet! Keep rockin on there lil sis. Proud of ya I am!! Love ya bunches!!!! *massive hugs*
:star

[Paulie]

Dot -

Everyone has said so much already....I can say ditto ditto ditto to the above.

Listen, confessing to a cop will do nothing to make you feel better. Holding a press conference on TV in front of the country will not make you feel better. It is about forgiving yourself, once you do that you will feel better.

Trust me on this Dot, continue to work your steps, the steps are the key to getting rid of all this baggage. When I was in rehab I had to write on my first step situations where I was powerless over drugs and where my life was unmanageable. OMG I had such a hard time with this after a few days I was crying all the time. My sponsor ahd me make a big poster and hang it on the wall so I saw it first thing every morning. It said "It just happened". Sounds stupid but it is so important to remember that the things you did are just that, things that you did, things that happened. They are not who you are. Dot I used drugs, drank, stole, liked, cheated, etc. etc. for like 15 years plus years. Today sober, I am not that person. Those are things I did, not what I am.

You bought that DVD player in Wal-mart you did not steal it. You worked for it and you bought it. I don't know about you but I rarely bought anythign when I was using. And if I did I paid for it with a credit card and did not pay the credit card.

Are you getting my point. Forgive yourself, it is okay. What matters is today, the person you are today. And Today you carry yourself with pride and respect. You care for others and yourself. You have dignity, you do not lie, cheat or steal. That is what matters, today.

I agree with Chy, you will get to the point that you are making and amends to yourself, and that is so important. And working a 4th step will also be important.

While I know 12 step programs are not for everyone and I respect that. I worry when someone like you who have talked about meetings and the program suddenly says they dont' need them, they need a break from recovery. Check yourself Dot, be sure that is not your disease talking. The disease we have is cunning and smart and can sneak up on us when we are not looking.

sorry for the a book here kiddo, you are a really special person and I want you to take care of yourself.

You share so much here and myself and others get so much from you. As I have told you before, you inspire me.

Hugs to you my friend.

[Dan]

Cool. dottie's on it! No worries.

[NOD]

Hey Dot,
Hold on to what you have because it's worth fighting the good fight for.You've been such a help and an inspiration to me and so many others. I'll always be in debt to you and always be here for you.
Prayers for you and yours, Nodd (Jerry)

[fuster]

Dotster:

Have you been able to take a look at the thoughts you get, close to the time they are starting to pile up in your head? How does that work for you?

A 10th Step Daily Inventory is what I do multiple times throughout my day, on demand. It is not a "cure all" (sorry, nothing will be that good), but from what you are writing, you do sound like you have some thoughts about things outside of yourself, such as what you imagine others are thinking about you, and these tend to pile up and take on a life of their own. Am I close with that feeling?

The good place to start is with a 10th Step inventory, if you are that far along in the Program. It is a daily tool you can use any time, and along with some other self care concepts you can make a go at slowing down those thoughts of things you have no control over, like other folks' thoughts about you.

Another thing I noticed. The "I don't deserve" mantra. I know it well. It goes along with overwhelming feelings of worthlessness, for me anyway. Contrary to that voice, yes, you do deserve good things happening. It has little to do with your past and more to do with how you are today, in this 24 Hours. You deserve to be loved. You most of all deserve, and need to practice, loving yourself. Forgiveness starts with yourself. Prayer can help, if nothing else, prayer for God to lift the obsessive thoughts for today, for the moment. It works.

:heart

[MootPoint]

Dotster,

we all have rattly closets, we all feel like using sometimes. You are on the right path, Dot.

I'm not one for long posts, so i'm going to offer hugs and say WOW to tammie's poem! You have ppl who care for you!

[dotcom]

(((Tam, Paulie, DD, Nodd, Fuster, Moot)))

It was a good weekend. I am glad I was not near a computer (although you all know how much you all mean to me!). This weekend, I went out frustrated and overanalyzing everything. I went up there with the intent not to focus on recovery much and just get some much needed ME time.

On the drive up there, my mom's friend (who is in recovery) started talking about how hard the 4th step is, and I agreed. We talked a little bit about our recovery, and it was really great. So... HP stuck his nose in...

Then, I was up at retreat with the "old homegroup" ladies who had said I was not a Christian if I called myself an addict. Well, both the ladies' sponsor (same sponsor) came to me and apologized... whoa! HP just put his foot in the door... I had gone up there knowing that thinking about that would just bring about too much stress, so I figured if God wanted me to deal with it it would be at some other time. She is also a Christian and I told her how I don't really get too involved in NA, but find it very helpful.

It was just a blessed weekend. I didnt let those ladies get to me, and I came out on top anyway! I got a lot of much needed rest and studying done as well. My mom and her friend and I are planning to take more of these getaways.

It was really great because I didnt let other people's pressure on me affect me. I am a Christian, doesn't mean I am going to go to the alter calls, sing, clap or anything! I admit I'm powerless and believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins. Lots of the women have a problem with that, but I was just able to let it go and have confidence in my choices!

Afterall, it is not their journey, it is mine!

Hugs and Love,

dotster