I paid the price!

[eddie z.]

This is why we shouldn't engage in "euphoric recall" which is romanticizing our drug use. For the first time Sunday night, I let myself get lost in a fantasy about using. I was having trouble falling asleep. I just imagined being able to get and use all the dope I wanted legally and without the health repercussions. It was a very specific idea, but I won't go into that here.

So eventually I realize I shouldn't be doing that and think about something else and finally fall asleep. Only to have a vicious using dream. Again, very specific, very graphic, and I got high in the dream, but of course I was looking for the next one before I even came down from the first. And my mom was there and I was begging her to let me go ahead and do another one.

Then I woke up. With a monster craving. It sucked. I'm just fortunate that I was sleepy enough to fall back asleep with too much suffering. But I think I learned a valuable lesson. Hope someone out there can avoid going through this. Don't fantasize about it, folks, especially not when you're trying to fall asleep! :sweat

Love to all,
Eddie

[In memory of miracle]

I am so glad you made it thru!This disease is a sneaky little monster isnt it,just waitin for the right moment to pounce! I go thru the same thing with the dreams,constantly!Keep the faith!! Trish W. :elephant

[eddie z.]

Thanks, Trish! I have the dreams every now and then, only rarely do they trigger cravings, though. But it seems like I really set myself up this time, you know?

Love, Eddie

[dotcom]

Ed,

I have had some vivid using dreams. Once, I could actually taste the smoke as I inhaled. It was very realistic. I still do not feel guilty about it though. It was a freeby, haha. Sounds sick, but that is how I feel. Im not sorry I feel that way either. Why kick myself for a dream? A few times, I have woken up thinking I had blown it. But those dreams were more a mind f***; not taste, smell, feel. My problem with cravings comes when I least expect it. I expect to have those dreams of using. It is the other dreams I have that scare me! I have not craved for awhile. I just have been rationalizing using. Finding ways that would be "safe". Then after a few days I realize that there is no way to safely shoot crystal meth. HAHA. And that is my two cents.

Hugs,

Dotster :shakin

[Dan]

Thanks for sharing E.Z. I let my mind wander this afternoon just a little too much and by the kids bedtime I was a raving lunatic. I'm just starting to calm down after renewing contact with some friends here. Does it ever bloody stop?

DD

[eddie z.]

dot,
Nice butt! Yeah, my little fantasy was about using "safely." I know that if I had all I wanted I would be falling off the toilet and dropping lit cigarettes before you know it!

When I have the dreams where I actually get off, that's about the only time I get cravings. And usually I can just go back to sleep. But right when I wake up it's horrible, the panic, the craving, and the guilt!


Daniel,
Sorry you had a tough evening! But it does bloody get better, OK? I promise.

Love to you both,
Eddie

[dotcom]

Yes DD! Ed is right. It does get better. It is less intense for me, but at the same time it is the same intenseness. Just I have refocussed and it is not such a huge mountain. You will rock on DD!

Hugs,

Dot

[Chy]

Hi Eddie!

Glad you worked your way through it!

[eddie z.]

Thanks, Chy!
Good to see you again, too.
Love, Eddie

[MootPoint]

glad you worked your way thru it. I have learned the lesson of euphoric recall a little too hard. Didn't result in using, but i went thru pretty much what you describe. :banger

[Gooch]

My friend Mikey says getting in recovery is like being in the mob.. ya can never leave because ya know too much.

I'm grateful that the rooms have ruined my using.

Glad you guys are all still here . now wheres my buddy Nod?

[eddie z.]

Thanks, Moot & Gooch!
Ruined my using is right! I can't even have a dream without worrying about picking up a white chip. I have a lot of those where I go through all the guilt and worry before I even wake up. Usually they involve alcohol, though, and I don't really feel drunk or high like I did in this last one.

Now where is Jerry? And ksos, too? Hope they're alright.

Love, Eddie

[Justme57]

Hi Eddie

I used to have horrific drinking dreams , so vivid i still remember them, and waking with guilt and remorse . i have them very infrequently , and not so intensely now . i am glad you got thru it ok

HUGX

Lee

[eddie z.]

Thanks, Lee! What's weird about having so many drinking dreams is that alcohol was not really my drug of choice. Interesting!
Love, eddie

[ashley80]

Hi, Eddie! Sorry you had a rough day/night!! Hang in there.
Ashley

[In memory of miracle]

How goes the battle today?

[eddie z.]

Thanks, Ashley!!

Trish,
I think I really learned my lesson Sunday night. I refuse to entertain any thoughts about using now even when I'm not trying to go to sleep! So I haven't been battling any cravings since then. Thanks for asking!

Love to both of you,
Eddie

[wastedtime4me]

WOW!!!!!!!!!
I REALLY NEEDED TO SEE THIS POST TODAY!!!!!
I logged on and read this first.
I thought you had really relapsed!!! I was very happy for you that you didnt!!!
After reading i understood what it was really about.
I did this to myself yesterday...I had a call from an "old friend"..We were discussing what had transpired about 2 1/2 months ago.{my son confronted me about smokin dope and i didnt lie}.That was the day i stopped actually!!
She is still using and of course says to me:Well you just have to be more carefull thats all!!!
YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I actually allowed myself to ponder that thought throughout the entire hour long convo.no matter what we talked about.the whole time i was thinking of ways i could smoke w/out getting caught..I got honest w/myself a lil while after we hung up...I couldnt tell you what else we talked about because all i can remember is thinkin about ways to use..I wasnt even payin any attention to her talkin after that!!!
I ABSOLUTELY CANT USE SAFELY!!!!!!
I will KNOW that i broke my promise to my kids ..to myself!!!
I made myself remember all the good that has come out of my clean time!!
I made myself stop glamourizing the times i used!!
It wasnt easy even typing here is triggering me.it is a nice day out and that REALLY messes with my mind!!
Anyway i need to shorten this.I want to thank you for your honesty .I really NEEDED to see this today!!!!!!
I am gonna STILL be clean when i go to bed tonight..I had a dream last night that everyone i used with went ansd smoked w/out me..Ijust kept waiting and waiting for my hubby to leave so i could smoke too..I am thankfull it was just a dream..I am thankfull today to be free and i really love this feeling.One toke and thats all gone!!!!
I love myself and my family more than drugs!!!! My mantra for today..
Have a greatfull day

[Dan]

Awesome post WT4M! Thank's for sharing.
DD

[eddie z.]

WT4M,
Must be one of those "God things!" That's a pretty old post. I mean, I guess you were MEANT to see it today, you know? I had forgotten about it. Thanks for sharing. It's a good reminder!
Love, Eddie

[wastedtime4me]

I agree eddie...I strongly believe such things happen...
Greatfull day to you guys also

[eddie z.]

Just watch those thoughts as you go to bed tonight, OK?