At the breaking point

[amanda_76]

Hi there, I havent been here in awhile. I guess I just hit that ridiculous point in my recovery where you think that you are strong enough to handle things.....why do we addicts do that? Well, I am NOT strong enough and this is the place where I feel I can confide in and let my guard down.
Alot of stressfull things have been happenning, things I cant even go into and explain..(would take awhile) Anyway, I am so strong during these things, like right in the middle of the stress I feel I can handle it and I perservere and just keep on going wether I want to or not. Here is the downfall, when things start to even out, that is when I lose it!! I am crying and angry and hateful, and I just want to take a handfull of pills. This is really hard for me. This is my first year of dealing with the hard stuff that happens at this time of year. Every other time I have had my pills or my pot or SOMETHING to take the edge off, but this year I didnt have any of that. And now that I am in my usual post traumatic stress syndrome, all I can think of is pills pills pills.
Please someone help me!!!! I am dying over here!!!
Is there anyone who can just talk me down? Make me realize that I CAN NOT take any pills. I do know that I cant, but I sit and I reason with this evil and tell myself that I can handle just 10 pills or so and that I would never take any more again.
I feel like I am going crazy!!!!!!!!!!
Please help...........

Love you guys-
Amanda

[ssindi]

You can not handle 10 pills or even less, even thinking about 10 pills is distructive but those are the urges we get. Then you have to think of all the consequences, if you take 10 pills you're going to have to start your clean time all over again. Please do not relapse. 10 pills will lead to more.

I know I have unbelieveable stress at times to (more than I have time to mention here) but I have a 21 and 23 year old children and grandson that are following the wrong path in life and they are always counting on me for support. Like I said its long long stories and worry endless worry.

My husband hates them so I always have a struggle husband or children,, children or husband, that I could go on and on about too. Then theres my job.

I know you want something just to take the edge off but I think we have to find that within ourselves and our higher power. Try some herbal teas like camomile or go to your health food store and ask but don't take pills, just tea or something not harmful to your system.

You are not going crazy, you are normal, try to think of pleasant things and read an NA book or visit the board.

Hope I helped a little.

((((HUGS)))))

[Stephanie]

Hi Amanda,

I'm glad to see that you're reaching out for help before you use. Sometimes just writing it out helps. You do know as well as I do that taking the pills will only compound your problems. At least among the chaos you still have your sobriety.

It's ok not to be so strong. It's OK to cry and scream because everyone gets that way once and a while. It's important to remember that this too shall pass. In a few days you'll feel better but if you take the pills you'll have more problems to deal with on top of everything else.

Is there some kind of support you have where you are, NA, a therapist, etc. It might help to talk to someone. Let us know how it's going.

[dotcom]

hi anna,

im so sorry your going through this. its a very tough situation to be in. youll be in my prayers. i dont have any advice for you right now, but i know youll be able to make it. your much stronger than you think you are anna. and the pills will only add to the insanity. ssindi, and stephanie have said it well. this too shall pass. oh yeah, and thinking of pleasent things does sort of help. just getting your mind off things for a few minutes is helpful. do you have any good books? a scenic calendar? a journal? the scenic calendar idea sounds silly, but it is a good escape! let us know how your doing anna!

dot

[StillInTheDumps]

Amanda,

Are you asking for something that you already understand.
Are you attending meetings regularily?
Are you talking with your sponsor?
At meetings don't forget "1 is too many and 1000 is never enough"!
This makes sense to me, it is not the last one that kills you it is the first one.
Once the body takes in any addictive substance the first thing the mind and body says is "I want more!" Just 1 will trigger the addiction all over again.
Those who do not follow the program of recovery, their ends are always the same "jails, institutions and death."
This is 1 place to come to discuss your problems as they relate to recovery but for me an online meeting just does not make up for real people with real voices and real feelings at real meetings.

My suggestion is get to a meeting or find your sponsor or another program member to talk about this.

From my experience, if a person is entertaining the thought of using in their head, it could be a tell-tale sign that someone is wanting to go back to the old ways. Don't walk but run to your sponsor or another member with whom you trust. If you feel like mentioning it at a closed discussion meeting, you could get answers from a whole room of people who can help. I am almost sure that you will be approached by someone after the meeting who wants to help. BTW I have seen this topic come up at the tables multiple times in my area.

Go in to the meeting and say you have been having cravings or thinking a lot about using. Everybody will taalk about it and try to help. Cravings has been a popular topic in my area during Christmas and BarBeQue seasons.

Hope this helps.

Have a great 24 (hours)

[amanda_76]

It's been a few hours and I have calmed somewhat. I appreciate your words, everyone. I really did just need to type it all out and see it in front of my face to realize how ridiculous it would be to throw all of the hard work it took to get clean, away. I couldnt even imagine going thru a detox at this stage in the game they call life.
I was having serious anxiety this morning and that is what was making me so fidgety. My mother is a manic-deppressive skitzofrenic. And she is in a major manic state right now. This happens every 6 months, and it has been taking its toll on me. At this time she has been missing for two days. This happens every time she is manic, and it is so hard to imagine if she is dead. She has been in so many situations to be dead, so that its instantly I think she is dead when she comes up missing. Then if and when we find her, she starts to go thru the depression. She has tried suicide several times while in the depression.
This is a constant 24 hour a day struggle and worry with her. My father and I are the only ones who take care of her.
I dont know if I can do it anymore. I have 2 children to take care of , every day financial worries, marital worries....etc
I dont attend many meetings. I know people will think this an excuse- I am not willing to allow my children to hear that there mom is an addict, or the other stories that people are sharing. I also dont have a support system or anyone to watch my children to allow me to go. I really have no-one except these message boards to talk to or gather advice from. So needless to say I am very appreciative of ANY advice you all have and I thank you.
Thank you for taking your time to talk to me.

Amanda