on the outside looking in: in iop and aa

[brknspirit]

I am currently in intensive outpatient treatment. I also am attending AA/NA meetings. All of this is required for me to keep my job and career. I know I have a problem, people don't just stick needles in there arms for fun. I was using Fentanyl, Morphine, Demoral, and whatever pills I came across. I have track marks and scars. As I see them, I know I am way out of control. But the problem is how to desire sobriety? I see how peple in my group light up when they speak of their sobriety. I can't help to wonder, am I at a disadvantage because I was not self admitting? I know what I need and supposed to do. But why can't I desire sobriety? What is wrong with me? I can't connect with anyone, but I notice that the people in the group are close. They all go to AA together. They come down hard on me because I hate AA. I don't belittle their sobriety, I only congragulate it, tell them that they help me in trying to SEE and want sobriety. When I see the GLOW in their eyes, I know I am missing somethig!

[Moontime]

It will come, the magic, the miracle will come. Try, just try to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I was so confused when I got into the rooms. If you sit from opening prayer to end prayer,everything else will fall into place. The only thing I knew was that my using was unmanageable. I too could've lost my job. I didn't know or realize that my addiction wants to kill me. It does!! My disease is baffling, cunning, progressive, it is sharpening it's skills to kill me everyday. I have to go to meetings, work the steps w/ my sponsor, have a conscious contact with my Higher Power, share and reach out to other addicts for me to sharpen MY skills to recover from this disease. If you don't see an example, be an example and keep coming back, because you too will be given the gift of recovery that is priceless.

[51anna]

Yes, Moontime is right. You just need to give it a little more time. You didn't get where you are overnight and it will take a little while to get things to be the way you want. Just take small steps and try to enjoy being sober each day.

Love, Anna

[Trooth]

I have a question, do you want to continue to use? I mean have you ever looked at the scars, empty wallet, job situation, family and friends situation, and said to yourself this is stupid? Before I finally got to quit, and attempted quitting on my own constantly for years. I always wanted to go back and do it again though. I hit my own personal rock bottom. I was broke financially, emotionally, and getting there physically.

How far down do you think it will take you before you hit your bottom? The desire to use is powerful, you need to feed your desire to quit. Make a list of why you want to quit, all of the bad consequences from using. You are in the right place, you just have to feed your desire yourself.

[brknspirit]

.......and the TROOTH shall set you free!!!! sorry, I couldn't resist.
Thank you for the suggestion of making a list. I admit my major short coming is not letting go.... My thoughts are so ****** UP!
yet, here I am trying to do the right thing, I know I deserve it. I mean who the hell mourns the loss of a drug????Isn't that crazy?
ok, I admit it I AM POWERLESS, MY LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE!!!!!!!
Then I get stuck, right there....Thanks MOONTIME, I need encouraging words, and yes, I am going to AA/NA. It helps some. It is amazing to me the compassion and commitmant. but, I fear giving up control. I am such a pain in the ass! GOD willing, I will!

[brknspirit]

oops, sorry 5LANNA, aka Anna. Thank you for your enduring words and thoughts!

[Trooth]

Lol.

I went through the same thing for so long. I didn't want to do the drugs, but I didn't want to give the feeling or the partying up either. It was quite a struggle. For me it took the consequences getting very bad, before I gave it up. It takes a lot of time to figure out how much better your life can be without the drugs. When you can visually see what it costs you in its entirety, and where you could be without it, you know which one to choose. It is just hard letting go sometimes.

[SomeFunGuy]

One other thing too, you mention you are afraid to give up control, once you have a little bit of sobriety you will be amazed at how much more control you really have over your life. The drugs are what really have control while we use, and they take away so many choices. Its tougher than hell sometimes, but it is sure worth it. Keep goin to meetings and youll notice that the smiles and happiness become contagious after a while.
Peace,