Endless Loop of Hell
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Sterling Heights
Posts: 57
Endless Loop of Hell
Well it seems like I'm back where I started. Back in Semptember I got a legit script for vicodins and started talking them from September to December staright. I was prolly taking like 8-10 750's a day. Come the new year I managed to quit that is until Feb. when I went to the Doctor to ask him about anti-depressants.
While I was there I also asked him for Tylenol 3 for my migraines but I think really now in hindsight I just wanted some opiates. Fast forward 4 months later and about 300 pills later brings us to today. I just subsititued my vicodin addiction witha codeine addiction and to make matters worse I ran into a friend that had some 750's on him and I picked them up. So now I'm taking both of those. I feel like I'm living in my own personal hell and I know I just did it to myself. I tried being clean for 2 months but I just felt wrong. I felt broken, like not the same person I was before I started taking these pills. To top it all off there's a big rave party all my friends are going to this weekend that they want me to go to.
I barely go to work anymore. I rather stay home and pop pills. Even though I do alot of my work from home. I totally isolated and utterly indifferent to the world. What's the point of trying and I really did try to get clean if I just end up in the same spot. I know I tried to fool myself by getting the codeine pills and I think that was the first mistake. Maybe I just need to let it go? IDK it's late and I'm wired and too tired to care anymore. Maybe tommorow will bring a better day and a fresh start without pills.
While I was there I also asked him for Tylenol 3 for my migraines but I think really now in hindsight I just wanted some opiates. Fast forward 4 months later and about 300 pills later brings us to today. I just subsititued my vicodin addiction witha codeine addiction and to make matters worse I ran into a friend that had some 750's on him and I picked them up. So now I'm taking both of those. I feel like I'm living in my own personal hell and I know I just did it to myself. I tried being clean for 2 months but I just felt wrong. I felt broken, like not the same person I was before I started taking these pills. To top it all off there's a big rave party all my friends are going to this weekend that they want me to go to.
I barely go to work anymore. I rather stay home and pop pills. Even though I do alot of my work from home. I totally isolated and utterly indifferent to the world. What's the point of trying and I really did try to get clean if I just end up in the same spot. I know I tried to fool myself by getting the codeine pills and I think that was the first mistake. Maybe I just need to let it go? IDK it's late and I'm wired and too tired to care anymore. Maybe tommorow will bring a better day and a fresh start without pills.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi struggles
I think there's a lot of point in gettiing clean - but the thing we often forget is we have to *stay* clean too - that's where the real progress and growth comes in.
I drugged and drank for 2 decades - it took me much longer than 2 months just to feel right, let alone sort out my head, and my life.
Recovery's not a sprint, it's more a marathon - but it's not one we have to run alone.
Did you have any support last time you tried to quit? do you have any now?
I think supports very important, so I'm glad to see you back here
D
I think there's a lot of point in gettiing clean - but the thing we often forget is we have to *stay* clean too - that's where the real progress and growth comes in.
I drugged and drank for 2 decades - it took me much longer than 2 months just to feel right, let alone sort out my head, and my life.
Recovery's not a sprint, it's more a marathon - but it's not one we have to run alone.
Did you have any support last time you tried to quit? do you have any now?
I think supports very important, so I'm glad to see you back here
D
Last edited by Dee74; 05-24-2012 at 01:59 AM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
Originally Posted by struggles79 
Well it seems like I'm back where I started. Back in Semptember I got a legit script for vicodins and started talking them from September to December staright. I was prolly taking like 8-10 750's a day. Come the new year I managed to quit that is until Feb. when I went to the Doctor to ask him about anti-depressants.
While I was there I also asked him for Tylenol 3 for my migraines but I think really now in hindsight I just wanted some opiates. Fast forward 4 months later and about 300 pills later brings us to today. I just subsititued my vicodin addiction witha codeine addiction and to make matters worse I ran into a friend that had some 750's on him and I picked them up. So now I'm taking both of those. I feel like I'm living in my own personal hell and I know I just did it to myself. I tried being clean for 2 months but I just felt wrong. I felt broken, like not the same person I was before I started taking these pills. To top it all off there's a big rave party all my friends are going to this weekend that they want me to go to.
I barely go to work anymore. I rather stay home and pop pills. Even though I do alot of my work from home. I totally isolated and utterly indifferent to the world. What's the point of trying and I really did try to get clean if I just end up in the same spot. I know I tried to fool myself by getting the codeine pills and I think that was the first mistake. Maybe I just need to let it go? IDK it's late and I'm wired and too tired to care anymore. Maybe tommorow will bring a better day and a fresh start without pills.
While I was there I also asked him for Tylenol 3 for my migraines but I think really now in hindsight I just wanted some opiates. Fast forward 4 months later and about 300 pills later brings us to today. I just subsititued my vicodin addiction witha codeine addiction and to make matters worse I ran into a friend that had some 750's on him and I picked them up. So now I'm taking both of those. I feel like I'm living in my own personal hell and I know I just did it to myself. I tried being clean for 2 months but I just felt wrong. I felt broken, like not the same person I was before I started taking these pills. To top it all off there's a big rave party all my friends are going to this weekend that they want me to go to.
I barely go to work anymore. I rather stay home and pop pills. Even though I do alot of my work from home. I totally isolated and utterly indifferent to the world. What's the point of trying and I really did try to get clean if I just end up in the same spot. I know I tried to fool myself by getting the codeine pills and I think that was the first mistake. Maybe I just need to let it go? IDK it's late and I'm wired and too tired to care anymore. Maybe tommorow will bring a better day and a fresh start without pills.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Struggles, I remember you from before. Are you happy where you are now? Do you think if you continue this route things will get better? I also agree that you got the codeine so you still had something on board. I remember one time I attempted to quit I was popping actual diet pills in the morning just to feel that I had something. Another time it was nyquil, or tylenol pm... addicts are addicst, they take what they can if the can. Any chance you can talk to someone? Put your mind to it, ditch the pills, get through the hard times by getting online and posting, I know you can do it!!!!! It takes work, but so does being an addict.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 200
My heart and prayers go out to you!! First thing you need to decide is are you ready to change? I think you sound miserable enough to want to change, and I know you can do it. Set some small goals for yourself. Try not using today, don't worry about tomorrow or next week, just focus on today. What are some things you could do to be nice to yourself today besides not polluting your body with these chemicals? Maybe take a walk, go see a movie, call a friend, do some yard work, etc. Keep us posted on how you are doing!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Orlando, FL.
Posts: 8
I also feel the same way you did, with the "wrong" feeling. The thing that I had to tell myself was that you're SUPPOSED to feel different. Being clean is a totally different life. I always used to say to my wife that being clean wasn't for me. That I had to do drugs because that's who I identified with as a person. I wasn't using for that long. 5 years almost. But in that 5 years I became good friends with drugs. To me, getting clean feels like losing an old friend. It also helped to think of it that way.
Lets say you had a friend that you loved like a brother. You were with him all the time and when people thought of you, they thought of him. One day you find out that this friend is a murderer, a thief, and a liar. You find out that he killed your best friend and didn't care at all. You find out that he's going to kill you if you keep hanging out with him.
That "Friend" is drugs. You want to get away, but at the same time you've known this friend for so long that life just feels empty and wrong without him. But you know it's the best thing for you and your family. I'm not trying to get on a soapbox or anything, don't take me wrong please. Just sharing something that helped me make the decision to get clean for myself and my family
I know you can do it! Like someone else said, get online and post if you need help!
Lets say you had a friend that you loved like a brother. You were with him all the time and when people thought of you, they thought of him. One day you find out that this friend is a murderer, a thief, and a liar. You find out that he killed your best friend and didn't care at all. You find out that he's going to kill you if you keep hanging out with him.
That "Friend" is drugs. You want to get away, but at the same time you've known this friend for so long that life just feels empty and wrong without him. But you know it's the best thing for you and your family. I'm not trying to get on a soapbox or anything, don't take me wrong please. Just sharing something that helped me make the decision to get clean for myself and my family
I know you can do it! Like someone else said, get online and post if you need help!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Sterling Heights
Posts: 57
@icandoit12 - I'm not happy where I am now but I've been like this for awhile now that I feel comfortable and I guess that I like that false sense of security. I also think I got too overconfident with myself when I did manage to get clean. I stopped visiting this site. I started rationalizing things like it's ok to have a little codeine when deep down I knew it would lead me to this.
@endlesspatience - You're right I'm in a very dark place. I try to see the good in something each day but I can't. Even in my sleep I'm haunted and disturbed. Dreaming of things that happened in the past and waking up not nowing where I am or what I'm doing so usually my first reaction is to reach for pills or maybe the pills are causing all these weird thoughts?
@dee74 - I know recovery is not a sprint but that's one of my faults, a total lack of patience. I want everything right away and I guess that also kinda of feeds the addict thought pattern of wanting instant gratification.
@Pandie - Thanks for your kind words. I think you're right, doing something outdoors or just trying to stay busy will help. But I guess the real problem is not quitting because that's the easy part but it's over the longhaul and how you deal with it.
@Oxcyodont - That's a vary good analogy and it helps because you're attaching your addiction in your head to something physical or something tangible and I'm glad you get what I'm feeling, it helps knowing that others I've had that feeling and overcame it. Who knows? Maybe we're not supposed to be the same person we were before we started taking drugs but someone more wiser and experienced?
I know alot of people will say to get a support group and let them help you through this but the people in my life are too busy in their own lives and problems. My parents know about this for the past 7 months but they seem oblivious to the fact.
I've thrown up countless red flags to leaving the house, or just snapping for no reason and they still don't get it. I'm not blaming them but the one time that I did try to talk them I felt like I was just belittled and felt like a fool like I was just bored one day and deceided popping vic's would be a great past time. I have other issues in my life that I don't want to burden them with so I just deal with it the way I can. I've been to a counselor before and I just felt all he cared about was getting his hourly fee. As soon as my hour would almost be up he would start dozing off. That really turned me off from the whole idea of counselling and he wasn't telling me something I didn't know.
@endlesspatience - You're right I'm in a very dark place. I try to see the good in something each day but I can't. Even in my sleep I'm haunted and disturbed. Dreaming of things that happened in the past and waking up not nowing where I am or what I'm doing so usually my first reaction is to reach for pills or maybe the pills are causing all these weird thoughts?
@dee74 - I know recovery is not a sprint but that's one of my faults, a total lack of patience. I want everything right away and I guess that also kinda of feeds the addict thought pattern of wanting instant gratification.
@Pandie - Thanks for your kind words. I think you're right, doing something outdoors or just trying to stay busy will help. But I guess the real problem is not quitting because that's the easy part but it's over the longhaul and how you deal with it.
@Oxcyodont - That's a vary good analogy and it helps because you're attaching your addiction in your head to something physical or something tangible and I'm glad you get what I'm feeling, it helps knowing that others I've had that feeling and overcame it. Who knows? Maybe we're not supposed to be the same person we were before we started taking drugs but someone more wiser and experienced?
I know alot of people will say to get a support group and let them help you through this but the people in my life are too busy in their own lives and problems. My parents know about this for the past 7 months but they seem oblivious to the fact.
I've thrown up countless red flags to leaving the house, or just snapping for no reason and they still don't get it. I'm not blaming them but the one time that I did try to talk them I felt like I was just belittled and felt like a fool like I was just bored one day and deceided popping vic's would be a great past time. I have other issues in my life that I don't want to burden them with so I just deal with it the way I can. I've been to a counselor before and I just felt all he cared about was getting his hourly fee. As soon as my hour would almost be up he would start dozing off. That really turned me off from the whole idea of counselling and he wasn't telling me something I didn't know.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Orlando, FL.
Posts: 8
I can understand how you feel. I went through multiple therapists before I found the one that I currently have. She is a licensed addiction counselor and has worked in a few state sponsored programs and facilities. She is amazing and is one of the greatest assets to my recovery.
Being sober is not easy at all when you're used to using drugs. It becomes a way of life and it becomes who you are. I understand it's difficult, but you can do it. Do your best to find a new therapist and divulge everything to him/her. Do not hide anything because even the smallest thing can become one of your triggers.
One of my triggers is music. When I would snort blues or coke, I would listen to certain songs or genres of music. Now that I stopped, I have a problem with listening to that music because it makes me crave cocaine or blues.
Things WILL get better, but only if you work on them! I had to put a lot of work in to get where I am from where I was, and I relapsed more times than I can count. Don't take this as a discouragement but you will most likely relapse multiple times. The thing that my therapist always tells me is to take it one day at a time. Just one day.
If you relapse, start again the moment you come down and say "I'm gonna stay clean this time"
You can do it!
With love, Kay.
Being sober is not easy at all when you're used to using drugs. It becomes a way of life and it becomes who you are. I understand it's difficult, but you can do it. Do your best to find a new therapist and divulge everything to him/her. Do not hide anything because even the smallest thing can become one of your triggers.
One of my triggers is music. When I would snort blues or coke, I would listen to certain songs or genres of music. Now that I stopped, I have a problem with listening to that music because it makes me crave cocaine or blues.
Things WILL get better, but only if you work on them! I had to put a lot of work in to get where I am from where I was, and I relapsed more times than I can count. Don't take this as a discouragement but you will most likely relapse multiple times. The thing that my therapist always tells me is to take it one day at a time. Just one day.
If you relapse, start again the moment you come down and say "I'm gonna stay clean this time"
You can do it!
With love, Kay.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Sterling Heights
Posts: 57
Thanks for that Kay. It's true the first time that I tried to go clean and remeber one of the things I would do while high was play this PS3 game called Skyrim. After being clean for awhile I went to play that game and I had this crazy urge to use again, it was so weird. Same thing with music.
I always say that the next day I'm not going to use and sure enough I wake up and I'm like oh ok just half a pill then after awhile I take the other half and then another. Before you I know it, it's 10pm and I've done nothing useful all day. I guess you like you said just to set some small goals for the day. Today while at work I was like just get through another hour and I just couldn't. I don't know if that makes me weak or w/e but I'm just scared I guess. I can tell by the way people talk to me and treat me that they know something is not right with me.
I've got over alot of things in my life from using cocaine, to ecstasy, to weed and when I stopped I never looked back but this one is sneaky. I really do want to change but a part of me is like "You deserve this". There's so many things I don't like in my life but there's alot of good things too but all I can see is the bad. I wish I could talk to someone like a friend or a family member but I know they wouldn't understand and lose total respect for me and be judgemental.
I always say that the next day I'm not going to use and sure enough I wake up and I'm like oh ok just half a pill then after awhile I take the other half and then another. Before you I know it, it's 10pm and I've done nothing useful all day. I guess you like you said just to set some small goals for the day. Today while at work I was like just get through another hour and I just couldn't. I don't know if that makes me weak or w/e but I'm just scared I guess. I can tell by the way people talk to me and treat me that they know something is not right with me.
I've got over alot of things in my life from using cocaine, to ecstasy, to weed and when I stopped I never looked back but this one is sneaky. I really do want to change but a part of me is like "You deserve this". There's so many things I don't like in my life but there's alot of good things too but all I can see is the bad. I wish I could talk to someone like a friend or a family member but I know they wouldn't understand and lose total respect for me and be judgemental.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
@dee74 - I know recovery is not a sprint but that's one of my faults, a total lack of patience. I want everything right away and I guess that also kinda of feeds the addict thought pattern of wanting instant gratification.
If you feel it's an imposition for your family and friends to support you, why not think about some face to face support - NA, SMART, counselling, outpatient rehab, struggles?
D
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