Need help staying clean

[Daisy2292]

I've been clean for a few days now. Its been hard...unbelievably hard to stay that way. I always thought once I got clean, the rest would come to me. But I've created such a mess for myself. I'm filing for bankruptcy in a couple of weeks because I owe so much to everyone, it would take me the rest of my life to pay it back. And I want to move on with my life and need a fresh start financially. I just turned 30 and have no kids. I have a great boyfriend, but I don't know if its ever going to go anywhere. I have a great job and that's the only thing that gives me a purpose each day. Its the only thing that keeps my mind busy. I want children; I just honestly don't think I can have them. I have no family around me and only 2 friends. I cry everyday. I feel so much guilt and shame for the mess I've created. I want a "normal" life...I'd love to get married and have kids, but because I'm pretty certain I can't have them, I feel the loss everyday. I wonder, "what is my purpose in life?" Is this how I'm going to feel forever? I just feel so much remorse for the things I've done, the relationships I've lost or pushed away. How do you get past the guilt?

[keltie]

Welcome Daisy. You have found a wonderful place full of support. Congrats on your couple days of being clean- that's really huge. I've been clean since Monday.

Just curious- why do you think you can't have children? Has a doctor confirmed that? I went to the ends of the earth to get mine and there's lots of help available.

[waw545]

It dont take long to make a mess of your life but if you go to some substance abuse meetings and sit and listen to the group talk about there experience strength and hope you will have a better chance to straighten your life out at least thats what worked for me I was 33 and desperate to stop the insanity of drugs also you may want to talk to a drug counselor tell whats on your mind and listen to the feed back it works if your ready to change. Blessings to you.

[Daisy2292]

I have endometriosis, cysts on my ovaries that have, at times, ruptured. I was married for a few years, and the last couple were spent "trying." That ended, then I got in another long-term relationship, and nothing was done to prevent a pregnancy. For 2 years. The last dr visit I had confirmed the cysts and endometriosis. I haven't gone back since. A lot of it has been fear, and a lot of it was that I didn't want anyone to somehow find out I was an addict. Crazy, I know.

[sheerExcellence]

Daisy

i am in same exact boat as you. i know exactly how you feel. i feel like crap everyday and i cry too. mainly because im so bored, also because im finally realizing how much of a fiend i have been for the past five years of my life. i feel like ive been in a coma and im just waking up and that things im remembering make me sick to my stomach.

all we can do is small steps everyday. good luck.

[sophiamarie2007]

Welcome to SR-You will find alot of support here and it will greatly help you, especially during those rough spots.I had cysts on my ovaries ad endometrosis-I couldn't get pregnant without the help of clomid-a cheap fertility drug. I didn't start having children until my 30's and now have three healthy kids. I don't know what your DOC is, but long term opiate abuse can also cause temporary infertility-the ovaries don't release the egg each month like it would in a normal cycle. The good news is, when you quit your reproductive cycle goes back to normal in a matter of months.

[Dilberto]

Cleaning up the wreckage of your past begins NOW. I honestly thought it would take me a lifetime to pay my debts off($144,000)....but six years clean and I'm almost debt-free. Yes, Bankruptcy does work....as long as you have a credit-rebuilding game plan. You can DO IT!

[CarolD]

I got rid of my guilt by asking for God's forgiveness and by living the
AA Steps/ program of recovery..

I'm glad you are getting off whatever drugs you used...it took me about
2 months to get back in mental and physical balance. Hold on!

Welcome....