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Desperately need help staying off oxycodone

Old 03-09-2012, 11:42 AM
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Unhappy Desperately need help staying off oxycodone

hello all. this is my first post here at sober recovery. i found this site by googling "oxycodone addiction" and started reading peoples stories and all the responses from the nice people here. well heres my story.

started taking vicodin 5mg and lortab 10mg (which ever was available) probably 4 years ago. i had no medical need for them but some of my friends were messing with them so i decided to try em. i would split the vics in half and would feel great. theyd make me start cleaning everything, tackling all my laundry, doing school work like it was fun. they made work fun. they made anything and everything fun. i never became addicted nor dependent on hydrocodone tho. i would take them when they were available and when they werent, it was no big deal. sometimes i would buy 10-15 tab 10's and only take a few of them and end up having the rest just sitting in my medicine cabinet for a "rainy" day. never experienced any form of w/d's when i didnt have them or went weeks without them.

then one day a friend showed up with a little blue pill. he split it in half. then he split the halves in half. so me and 3 of my friends all had a 1/4 of one. we all snorted our 1/4. nothing has been the same since. the pill was oxycodone 30mg. for a few months a 1/4 of one was all i needed for an entire day. a few months down the road and i was snorting a 1/4 of one pill, twice a day. then 3 times a day. then i started doing a 1/2 at a time. as im sure many of you know all too well, doing a 1/2 at a time didnt last long either. soon enough i was doing the whole 30mg in one line.

fast forward about 2 years and here i am. addicted to oxycodone. its now to the point where i wont do less than 2 30's at a time. doing 1 or even 1 and a half is a waste in my mind because i wont get a drip or even feel it. ive been down to about 60mg to 180mg (2-6 30's) a day lately only because i cant afford anymore. at my worst i was doing 700mg-800mg (24-26 30's) a day (had my own prescription, could have never afforded that many if buying them on the street).

today is friday (3/9/12) and until about an hour ago, my last dose (60mg) was monday morning (3/5/12). when i woke up this morning i was technically on day 5. ive been taking suboxone durring those 5 days but still. now i feel like complete **** because i just broke down and did 2 today.

so ******* stupid. i was on day 5. i had already taken about 1mg of suboxone this morning so i dont even feel the 2 oxys i just did!!!!!! wtf is wrong with me???? now i only have 1 suboxone left and a half of 1 xanax bar. im going to use the suboxone and xanax to get me past the hump with w/d's.

i have to get clean and STAY CLEAN. my whole life depends on it right now. i just moved out of my parents house and got a place with my sister. rent is due on april 1st. i have $20 to my name right now and have the electric bill, water bill, phone bill, credit card bills, along with the rent all coming due soon. my parents suspect im on something but now that i dont live at home anymore that isnt my biggest worry. my biggest worry is not being able to get clean and not being able to come up with my half of the bills and leaving my sister completely screwed. i work as a server so i leave with cash every night and that makes quitting even harder.

i have a very secure safe in my bedroom and tonight when i come home from work i am taking all of my stuff out of the safe and giving my sister the key to it. from now on every night when i come home from work im going to have my sister open the safe so i can drop money into it, and im going to have her not allow me to take any money out of the safe except for bills.

wow i cant believe how much ive typed. sorry this was so long. to anyone who read the entire thing, thank you. i have made it past the physical w/d's many many times but the mental aspect is what always puts me back at square one. if anyone has any advice on how to beat the mental part of it, i would love to hear your ideas. thanks in advance, and thanks to everyone who took the time to read my story.
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Old 03-09-2012, 12:33 PM
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Welcome to SR, you're in good company here. I glad to hear that you want to end this crazy cycle of insanity.
It is a shame that you're in the oxy capital of the US. However, if you are determined enough, you can beat this.
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Old 03-09-2012, 03:24 PM
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hey " stuckinFL" Reading your post has made me believe there is always somebody, somewhere , feeling or going thru some what the same things as i am. i as well am new to this website via the same reason as you... googling perc with drawls. i have am 21 years old with a 3 year old daughter. i have been doing percs for about 4 years come this summer. ( 2008) As yourself, it was a social thing. But i started a little more drastically then you. Never was into doing " pain killers " or anything to numb the body and mind. i was always more of a smoking week type of person. Then came a day a "friend" (so i thought) came to me when i was 17 and they were 20 at the time. came to be with a 30 mg perc. i did not kno what it was... but i did a quater and was told to drink alcohol with it. It was all fun till and passed out ( clearly from over dose ) woke up an hour later thinking it was all fun. It began to be more common doing so, getting 30's , doing half and lightly drinking with it ( cus i am not a drinker at all , not my thing ). And as like you explained, gave you energy sort of speak, made everything fun. As the years went by, it began to be a habit. Not that i couldnt stop like you explained, but just wanted to do it out of bordem and having the money and just wanting to have fun because just smoking weed was no longer fun. but smoking weed and doing percs was . As of now, today, and as of recently in the past months, i have realized what percs have done to me, it has not just put a tole on my body and have problems with my pancreas and not being able to stop, and loosing my family all because all i wanted to do... was go out with my " friends " and get high. As of recently in the past months like i have said, its an escape. Espcape from reality, escape from fear , escape from being sad, escape from hate. Just the numb of the brain and to cloud everything that really means alot, or should mean alot. Because of drugs, i barely talk to my parents... i live with my grandparents and they are so beyond worried about me. My daugher and her mother are now moving to North Dakota tomorrow with her new husband . I have lost my family, and my daughter. My only pride and joy left in my life.. and i have failed. i have not just failed her , but i failed as a father, as a figure for her to look up to. i failed as a son, a grandson. All of the above.. in my eyes. today, i am not who i am supposed to be. Drugs will change your life, alter your decisions, and bring you down to rock bottom. You might not really understand the pain that i have to feel, knowing everyday.. that i lost my family, my one and only daughter and her mother that cared about me so much and tried time and time again.. to get me to open my eyes and realize what im doing... all because of drugs, and " friends " .

Let me say im on day 1 of not doing a thing... i have done a quater of a soboxen to help with with drawels. doing so only that much just because i know you can get just as addicted to suboxen like any other medication. i do not take anything for depression or anxiety as of fear i will be addicted . i have made up my mind, if can not do this on my own or with help of others to be behind me on this.. then i will self admit myself to a detox facility ( in-patient ) and stay for as long as possible . I will go from one to another if i have too . Everybody has to try to turn their life around at some point, and right now, i dont want to live the life style i am living . i want to turn it around for the best and stop beating myself up for the past and make a future for myself.

Don't let it get to the point where you've hit rock bottom or lost something you've loved to realize.. your hurting yourself and everybody around you. I really hope this helped... atleast a little.
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Old 03-09-2012, 03:26 PM
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as in the bible " this too shall pass "
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Old 03-09-2012, 03:51 PM
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Stuck,
Stop and think for a moment all the cash that went to drugs instead of your child. Think of all the times with your child you forgot about because you were high. Think about the real emotions you missed with your child because of the pills.

Lastly,SERIOUSLY Think about what would happen if you were in prison and what would happen to your child - for the rest of his life as a result of your felony, jail time, and your reputation?


Now, I didn't say that to be a #*$*. I asked this because YOU have to ask yourself if you are ready to accept the fact that your child is more important than pills and is your child worth the work to become clean?

I'm not offering a feel good pep talk. I won't offer that because what you have ahead of you is not easy. It will be hard! Life is gonna SUCK for a couple of weeks. After that life is going to be tough for a couple of months. After that, life will be pretty good.

I know because I'm almost to the point where life is returning to normal - after 9 weeks off my prescriptions. It's not easy, BUT, it's worth it.

OK, now that I've given my tough love speech... You can do this.
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Old 03-09-2012, 04:03 PM
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Stay Strong

I too was or should prob say still am addicted to oxycodone. At my worst i was at 300-450 mg a day. I last used on 3/5 and then went through 2 days of withdrawl, which was the absolute worst 2 days of my life, but I needed to do it so I was clean to start Suboxone, which I did on 3/8. Started with 8mg film and within 40 min I felt better. I took another 8mg later in the evening and now i'm staying on 8mg twice a day, MD added 400mg of neurontin 3 times a day too for a little something to help with pain and anxiety, so far its working well.. I woke up this am and felt amazing. I hope that you can continue with the Sub and stay off the oxy. Like you said, your not going to feel it with the SUb on board, you are just going to put yourself back into withdrawl. Maybe you could ask your Dr for an antianxiety type med to go along with your Sub. Stay strong, and keep telling yourself that you are bigger than your addiction!!! I hope to keep taking my own advice as well!!
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Old 03-10-2012, 06:38 AM
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Stuck: There are actually some pretty good recources in the Orlando/Central FL area, if you are interested. The CDL (Centers for Drug Free Living) is one of them.
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Old 03-10-2012, 06:49 AM
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First thing's first. Go see a doctor and be 100% honest with him/her. That's what they're there for.
A good will work with you and help provide you with the resources you need to beat this.
If you try and do this on your own, you will most likely fail. I speak from experience.

BTW, If you think a doctor is expensive... Ask yourself how expensive is your addiction?
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Old 03-10-2012, 12:28 PM
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If you just try to do this on your own, the chances of failing are greater.

You need treatment- now- Doctor, Detox, counseling, naraon, etc....

If you do not have insurance, call salvation army and/or look up community programs that can help you for low to no cost.

also, if you get on the Methadone, or sobox program, it is expensive- from 400.00 a month and up at county clinics. You will also be addicted, and still a slave. This does work well for some, but your addiction has only been 2 years, so I think your changes are good of not using these options- but I am no doctor, and cannot say what is right for you.

Your sister does not deserve to be your mother, policing your money, and you will beg her to give it to you, and that will put her through a lot of crap.

I think that your heart is in the right place, and you really do realize what this is doing to yourself, and others in your life, and you are reaching out for help here.

I only hope you get the help you need- pulling for you
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Old 03-10-2012, 08:10 PM
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Welcome Stuck! Geez, I almost moved to Sarasota to get away from my problem, if I knew oxy's were somewhere in Fl I would have found a way to them most likely. Glad your moving in the right direction now. You may have an unkind background in addiction, but there's far worse here. Take advantage of the experience and support here. Good luck!
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Old 03-11-2012, 09:29 AM
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Stuck: How long ago were you on 700-800mg of oxycodone? And are you getting your subs and xanax off the streets, or from a doctor? Have you ever gone through full blown withdrawals before? I know it's probably hard to think right now, but try and gather all your strength and call the local number for NA. If wd's get too bad, vomiting and diarrhea, go to an ER because you can get dehydrated quickly if you can't keep liquids down. Please let us know how you're doing.
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Old 03-16-2012, 10:28 PM
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hello again and thanks to everyone who posted.

first off, IvanKatz, i think your second post was directed towards someone else, the person who posted after me. named corey. maybe it was just addressed wrong but ya.

soo here we are again. as my last post said, i had been 5 days clean and just broke down and scored some. thats all it took. i dont even know how many days its been but probably a week or so. i was stuck back in that haze, that cycle of hell. DAMNITTTTTTTTTT. this is why the thread title was 'need help STAYING' off oxycodone.' i finally got some more suboxones and now have 3 8mg strips. i plan to use those to get thru the worst of w/ds. my last oxy dose (2 30's) was yesterday (thurs) at about 2pm. its now 1am saturday morning. i broke down and took my first half of a sub at about noon today (friday). i usually try to wait 24-30 hours because i know how well it works, almost like the worse you feel the better you will. but i was feeling bad enough at 22 hours and said f it. took another 1mg at about 4pm and then another about 7pm while working.

I have 2 veryyy nice shifts at work tomorrow and sunday. should pull 100 bucks a night easy and need that money so bad. only have half the month left to come up with the rent. tomorrow im waking up early for a meeting at work at 9, then have some errands to run before working 3pm-11pm. so with the suboxone and no spare time tomorrow should be another fairly easy notch on the belt. right now im technically still on day 2, but tomorrow around 2pm starts day 3 of being clean from that ****.

i have no support other than this board here. not that i couldnt get it if i needed it (i have one brother whos probably 15-16 months clean but went to a 13 month program). my family would support and do what ever needed to get me the help i need. my sister would do the world for me. but i cant do it. i have to be able to beat this. im sorry for not posting for a long time. i plan to stay updated as my struggle towards a clean life begins. once again tho, thank you all!
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Old 03-16-2012, 10:50 PM
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congrats on realizing you want to better your life. my boyfriend is 40 days sober from oxycodone and is taking suboxone perscribed by a doctor. i am sure with time the both of you will get through this struggle.
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Old 03-17-2012, 09:52 AM
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thank you for letting us know. keep posting, let us know your progress. we're not here to judge or critize, here to help and encourage. hugs and prayers coming your way.
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Old 03-17-2012, 09:59 AM
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thank you krismarie and KuanYin. kuan, ive thought about going to an na meeting more than once and even looked them up online around my area and theyre always when im working.

i work in a couple hours but till then just gonna be around the house watching tv, might do some cleaning. its terrible that i know in the back of my mind, one of the things stopping me from making that call and getting something right now is the fact that i have no money. which wont be the same after work tonight. just keep tryna push the thought outa my head any time it pops in. deff not spending any of the money i make tonight on that ****. well thanks again peeps
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Old 03-17-2012, 10:42 AM
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Welcome to SR StuckinFL

You absolutely came to the right place! I'm pretty new to this site too and I can't even begin to tell you how much it's helped me.

I too am I recovering oxy addict. I've been clean off oxy's and any opiates for over a year now, but I'm still in a program and slowly weaning off my suboxone that was prescribed by my doctor.

Have you looked into getting help? I tried to quit cold turkey sooooo many times on my own. I tried everything, used other substances to try and make the withdrawals not as bad but finally I realized I couldn't do it on my own and I had to reach out for help.

You signing up to this site is a clear indication that you are tired of being a slave to the drug. You CAN change things and you CAN get off the oxy. I never thought I could do it but here I am a year later and I'm much much happier. If I can do it so can you!

I have a good friend I met on this site and he has helped me so much and inspired me because he is a few steps ahead of me. You will see how many people feel exactly the same way you do and this will help you! Hang in there!

I'm not an expert but my advice to you is to try and get some help. There is no shame in reaching out for help. It was the best thing I ever did. I was scared, nervous and full of shame at first but I'm so glad I did it. I have my life back and I'm working towards getting off the suboxone completely with my doctor.

You CAN get off oxy, there are many success stories on here that may inspire you. Try to find some clinics in your area and go. Don't try to do it on your own. Don't even give up, if you slip and fall just get back up and try again, never stop trying.

We are all here to support you!

Olivia
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Old 03-17-2012, 12:31 PM
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i came here after googling "oxycontin withdrawal" or something like that.
day #9 for me and i'm thinking clearly now. no more withdrawals.
the worst of it was over around day #5, but that probably differs for everyone.
i'm finding now that the cravings are the toughest part. gotta keep busy.
i'll be thinking of you...
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Old 03-17-2012, 12:53 PM
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SIF - We are all with you. We all know too well the terrible grip these 'poison pills' have on us. I quit a 300mg habit in Dec. 2011 CT and suffered greatly but, it was worth every sleepless night, the crazy RLS (in my case just in my arms), profuse chills and sweating along with all the other withdrawral symtoms. But, when you come out on the other side it's like being reborn. Don't let your addict brain run your life. Tell it you are stronger than it is and with every passing moment you're closer to the freedom we all want and worked so hard to achieve. When I finally broke through, I was so proud that I felt like a kid again and I'm 51. Keep going forward and never look back!

I wish you all the luck in the world, but you will need to work very hard to put this demon in its rightful place - HELL!
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Old 03-17-2012, 01:49 PM
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Welcome STUCKinfla, I'm in Orlando also so I know how available these roxys are. I was a server too and could buy daily when needed (ran out of script). Ultimately I quit my job which is where they ran rampid. And cut ties with all dealers and supposed oxy friends.

I went to the hospital to detox for 3 days, they gave me suboxon for the first two days, 0 on the 3rd, and got out. I couldn't do it on my own and fail anymore, I'd had enough acute withdrawals and didn't have not one more in me. Well here I am 5 months clean, and doing much better. I started to educate myself on what those blue evil pills were doing to my brain. I now see them for the poison they are.

Keep posting and reading you will find many success stories here. Lots of support also.
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Old 03-18-2012, 11:27 AM
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thanks everyone! 2:16pm here in florida which puts me technically at the very start of day 4. i woke up about 11am this morning and first thing i did when my feet hit the floor was grab a 1/4 (2mg) of a suboxone strip. that, plus my regular 2-3 cups of coffee has had me feeling pretty good all day. just did alllllll the dishes. before that i picked up every single cigarette butt in the front yard (which was prob 2-3 hundred lol).

i woke up with $110 in my wallet that i made last night and im happy to say its still there. every single dollar. honest to god. that feels great. i work today at 4 and until then i think im just gonna spend some more time cleaning my house. i have so much to be thankful for and im putting it all in jeopardy if i dont stay clean. today is exactly a month that ive been in this house and since i didnt quit pills like planned when moving in, it was another insanely fast, memory less, month lost to pills.

thanks again to everyone who takes the time to read my situation and even more to those who decide to reach out. this is still my only support system and if im here posting that means im still on track. if i dont post at least once each day i think its safe to say ive slipped up and fallen back to that hell.

good luck to you all with your own battles also!
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