finaltime

Well today I was on skype with my mom and my daughter walked out holding a box of my pills! Yesterday I went to the pharmacy and got a refill, brought them home and put them under my bed, something in my mind kept telling me to hide them, but I didn't for some reason. I think this was God's way of having my husband finding out I was using them again. Yes, my back is super super severe and he had them originally, well then I got more and never said anything. My friend having them to hold for me at work didn't work either. I am actually really glad this happened, even though I am extremely sad because I honestly feel I function way better with them, I know I can't take them as prescribed. My husband finding out today though was my chance to tell him everything I have been hiding. I told him, all the stuff that was eating at me so bad, I told him. It is all about money, I blew my entire retirement 38,000 DOLLARS, well at least 10,000 of it on pills before we moved back to China. I also borrowed 2 grand from my parents and recently did our taxes so I could pay them back without him noticing. He could not believe how I could hand a drug dealer 1400 dollars at a time for 40 pills! 40 of the 30mg roxy's that would only last a few days.. He is ever more hurt then he was before and has every right to take my daughter from me. I am trying my best to have him give me one more chance so he doesn't move back home. I don't know if he will stay here or not, but hopefully he will stay. OMG why have pills controlled my life for so long, and now I could lose custody of my daughter. My family knows pretty much nothing of what I have been doing for the past 5 years. I have maintained my life and kept it a secret. I have been a great teacher, wonderful mother, ran a private volleyball club, maintained normalcy so nobody could know that before I did anything, even getting out of bed I popped pills. They know I have had a problem, but have no clue it was this bad or that I was still using. WOW, I am a complete mess, well actually I feel better that I was honest with my husband (fiance really, well x he says( so we can move from here. He is going to give me two pills in the morning and two at night to taper me off, hopefully the days aren't too hard with that dosage. I already took too many today of course, before my daughter walked out with my pills. GOD how did I let my life spiral out of control like this!!!! All I can do now is look at my daughter daily and realize she is worth more than a high. Hit the gym hard and get my body in shape so my back doesn't continue going out every other week. Honestly, my back is a crutch so I can use the pills. I can do this without pills, or am I really strong enough. Only time will tell. Recovery begins..once again....

Dee74

What about seeing a Doctor Icandoit?

D

ryan1983

I agree, see a doctor. I had a bad habit for years that no one in my family knew about, they found out, I went to rehab, I got out and continued to use for another year with no one knowing. Just quitting won't work, especially if you have easy access to them. Talk to your doctor about suboxone, I have seen that work miracles for people, just white knuckling it is next to impossible and just miserable. It's gonna be tough either way, I've got 6 full days off oxy and it has been a very hard week, I have done this a few times so i know what to expect and it is still hell. It is absolutely better on the other side, and I know it feels like it now but I promise you that you don't function way better on them, that is your addiction talking not you, it's gonna be a long hard journey but it will be worth it. Good Luck and hang in there!

Pandie

Icandoit, I can identify with the "freedom" of coming clean with loved ones. Admitting powerlessness can really suck, but it is with that powerlessness that we find true strength, and realize we can handle way more off the pills than we think we can.

I agree that maybe you could find a doctor. There are many, many ways to help deal with back pain that doesn't involve narcotics. You are in China, right? They have a lot of "new" ways to deal with pain that Western medicine hasn't caught up with. Acupressure, Acupuncture, massage... Hope you can find some relief soon.

Praying for you.

~Pandie

keltie

I know she's said she's in China and the physician situation over there simply isn't the same as it is here. I think "addiction" over there isn't seen as sympathetically by the doctors as it is over here. I think docs here are pretty sympathetic to anyone truly trying to get off pills and usually try to help you. Not so much over there.

ICDI, I'm so sorry. I know you're suffering and in pain too, and that sucks. Can you at least try to do this- stick to exactly what your doc prescribes and nothing else? What if your husband gets a safe that you don't know the combo to? Seriously- that is the only thing that is getting me thru- my mom has my pills and is doling them out to me. I don't trust myself to take them as prescribed. I don't think you can get them on the street there, right? I hope so. Why is the friend holding them at work not working? I think you can make that work if you put your mind to it. Good luck, honey and keep posting.

Stopdropburn

I know firsthand what this crap does to a relationship, a relationship with children none the less. It's much more emotional and scary when you have years under your belt together with kids and a whole life......but it doesn't make you uncaring or unloving or a bad person. It's VERY difficult finding the words and courage to admit to your partner that you've had such a problem that they knew nothing or very little about. The one thing they don't see always is that it was not a choice you made to hurt them, but actually hurting yourself. They almost always, unless very lucky, hear the "I lied to you" part, which just makes it harder. But you need to keep stressing how important they are to you and how much you love them and how badly you want your life back in order. Make sure to focus on what you really want, not what the chems can "solve". Best of luck. Take care.

likehappiness

I think it was great that you told your husband. I hid my use from my husband and wanted to tell him about my secret almost every day just because I didn't like hiding things and wanted his support. But the shame of being an addict kept me from tell him. I finally got in trouble and had to tell him. Best and worst day of my life. I am very grateful that he stayed with me and he is great support. Unfortunatley....he dosn't understand my addiction or the feelings like the shame, resentments, the beating ourselves up over our use, the depression. So that's why I go to meetings and come here. We need to talk to other people that can help us and are like us.

I hated being secretive and sneaky. So now I don't have to do that so it is a release. I have been honest with him about how I feel about things. Sometimes he understands and other times he doesn't. The one thing I stressed to him was that being an addict does not mean I don't love him. It has nothing to do with whether I love him or not. If is use...it doesn't mean I don't love him. It means I am a powerless addict and love him but do not love the things I do to myself. I did not pick addiction OVER him.

I just pray every day that I can stay sober. Some days are better than others. Hope you can hang in there! Life is better without drugs.

finaltime

so amazing reading back through these, thinking it was one year ago the 15th that I took the final plunge again with pills. I feel great that I am no longer a daily pill popper, life is much much easier in that sense. The addiction still roles strong, and I need to do some work on that, other areas of my life are now in need of looking at. I can honestly say though, that I am so thankful pills do not run my life anymore. The fixation that I had with those stupid things was unreal, I swear, they were worse then my worse enemy, yet I loved them so so much. SICK. I have so much to write about, will start a new thread. Just wanted to post on this one since I went back to read this tonight, see how I was a year ago. For some reason february is always my hardest month, not sure why. Deaths in family, all of my major withdrawals have been in february, now my year clean time is in feb, just seems to be a dark month.

Dee74

congratulations on the past year icandoit!

D

Impurrfect

((icandoit)) - Congratulations on your year!!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

liv1ce

Congratulations. I was reading your old thread as if it was in the present and couldn't believe that you had returned to the old days. I was relieved when your last post cleared that up!

sobersonja

I have read your story,and want you to know your not alone.I had to detox off strong painkillers from the doc. and from the street. I had to go to a treatment center to do that,thank GOD my husband has insurance. They gave me subutex,which really helped. Only for a week,but I also had night sweats for a month really bad. I was put on clonidine for that plus high blood pressure from withdrawls. I told my doc. ahead of time my treatment plans and not to give me any more prescriptions of 100 vicodins before I left to treatment.One thing I know is true,I am not a bad person because I'm an addict,I'm a sick person with a desease. Try not to beat yourself up so much ok. I know we feel bad about secrets we keep. I found that I could not have anyone help monitor my pills because I am an addict, and once I bacame that I no longer had control when using. Good luck to you.

finaltime

Thanks for taking the time to write, I appreciate it. Today is my one year free from the slavery that pills had on me. I am ready to make this next year one year clean from all mind altering substances.