Advice on boyfriend with a coke addiction..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London
Posts: 1
Advice on boyfriend with a coke addiction..
I have met a guy about 5 months ago, and have been dating for almost 3 months. He has just turned 30, and I am 23. He's really great, works in the music industry and we are getting closer and closer. However I am scared he may be addicted to Cocaine. I knew he took it when we first met as the signs were obvious, very twitchy, sniffs a lot etc. I knew he took it on nights out and this didn't bother me so much. His mum died 6 months ago and it's really badly affected him. He's gradually become very open with me which I love, but he is also very open with me about taking coke. Almost to the point where I wonder if he is proud of it. I have taken it with him on occasions, nights out or nights at his but would never want to take it often as I don't really find it has any affect on me.
This weekend marked the 6 months from his mums death and I knew he wouldn't take it well, he had been out the previous night and was still up drinking at 9am Saturday. I was worried about him so went to go check if he was ok. He had never looked so bad before it really scared me. He had blood on his face, a huge dried nose bleed. His eyes were completely bloodshot. He wouldn't keep still, and had written notes all around the house which made no sense. I have never seen him this bad before and found the whole thing really upsetting. He carried on taking lines till about 12 and I didn't want to say anything because the last thing I want him to feel is that I was nagging him or judging him. I washed his face, got him some food and juice and without him realising too much, gradually got him to bed and to sleep.
He kept saying that I probably hate him now, and that he never normally takes coke on a Saturday morning, which I believe as I have spent a lot of them with him. But I am aware of how cocaine can make people lie a lot. But my gut instinct is that he is telling the truth. I left him to sleep and then took him out for dinner to try and cheer him up, while also keeping an eye on him. He was really tired but was in a good mood. He then spent all of Sunday in bed sleeping, and when it came to this morning (Monday) he was very distant and quiet. When I asked how he was he just said he was tired and had a lot of things on his mind as I knew. He lives with a band who are quite big, and live a very drug/drink-fuelled life, which is not ideal for him to be around but has no choice at the moment. I am scared that as he is living in that situation, having just lost his mum, and then a sister who lives a few hours away, I am the only positive person around him who cares a great deal for him.
I am worried that he will one day take it too far. He keeps saying, after having a few sober days (of drink and/or drugs) that he feels so much happier when sober and rested and healthy. But when it comes to Friday night, and after drinking, it goes back to square one again. In fact, I have today woken up to find evidence he didn't go to bed after work yesterday, instead stayed up with a housemate doing coke until it was time to go to work. I never normally say anything, but have decided to say something today as it really angered me he lied about having an early night and a healthy week. He has not responded yet and I am afraid I sent quite an angry text.
I am started to question if I should be around him. I wake up every day worried about how he is, wondering if he has taken a line before work etc.
I know that this weekend he consumed 2 gms of cocaine on his own in the space of 12 hours. When we have talked about how much he takes he admitted when things were really tough with his mum passing he was taking it every day before work to give him energy to get through the day. It upset me hearing that so much that I didn't know what to say back to him so just listened to him talk.
The more I worry about his use of cocaine the more I notice obvious signs of how much he takes. He's started to loose all his nose hair, his eyes are always sore looking, he always looks groggy and he has had a cold since the day we met. He also has a very husky voice, has trouble sleeping at times, has either great moods or very low, depressive moods, our sex life is also suffering because of it.
Because I didn't know him before his mum died I am not entirely sure if this is a new phase he is going through but from what he tells me and others it is. I feel like this is his escape, his way of dealing with her death but it's obviously not working. He also drinks a huge amount of Gin.
He has some really great qualities about him, and when he is sober I love spending time with him. I guess I just feel very confused and trapped.
I don't know what is best to do.. I don't know if I should confront him face on and say to him he has to slow down or I cannot see him anymore, but I would be constantly worried about him and know it would have a very detrimental affect on him and I would feel incredibly guilty. Or, do I carry on saying nothing and just be there for him? Part of me loves him a great deal although we haven't been together all that long, and that part of me wants to help him get through this. The other part of me thinks there is nothing I can do.
I apologise for such a long thread- it's just been very hard not having someone to fully talk about everything to and who has good advice. Any advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks for taking the time to read this.
This weekend marked the 6 months from his mums death and I knew he wouldn't take it well, he had been out the previous night and was still up drinking at 9am Saturday. I was worried about him so went to go check if he was ok. He had never looked so bad before it really scared me. He had blood on his face, a huge dried nose bleed. His eyes were completely bloodshot. He wouldn't keep still, and had written notes all around the house which made no sense. I have never seen him this bad before and found the whole thing really upsetting. He carried on taking lines till about 12 and I didn't want to say anything because the last thing I want him to feel is that I was nagging him or judging him. I washed his face, got him some food and juice and without him realising too much, gradually got him to bed and to sleep.
He kept saying that I probably hate him now, and that he never normally takes coke on a Saturday morning, which I believe as I have spent a lot of them with him. But I am aware of how cocaine can make people lie a lot. But my gut instinct is that he is telling the truth. I left him to sleep and then took him out for dinner to try and cheer him up, while also keeping an eye on him. He was really tired but was in a good mood. He then spent all of Sunday in bed sleeping, and when it came to this morning (Monday) he was very distant and quiet. When I asked how he was he just said he was tired and had a lot of things on his mind as I knew. He lives with a band who are quite big, and live a very drug/drink-fuelled life, which is not ideal for him to be around but has no choice at the moment. I am scared that as he is living in that situation, having just lost his mum, and then a sister who lives a few hours away, I am the only positive person around him who cares a great deal for him.
I am worried that he will one day take it too far. He keeps saying, after having a few sober days (of drink and/or drugs) that he feels so much happier when sober and rested and healthy. But when it comes to Friday night, and after drinking, it goes back to square one again. In fact, I have today woken up to find evidence he didn't go to bed after work yesterday, instead stayed up with a housemate doing coke until it was time to go to work. I never normally say anything, but have decided to say something today as it really angered me he lied about having an early night and a healthy week. He has not responded yet and I am afraid I sent quite an angry text.
I am started to question if I should be around him. I wake up every day worried about how he is, wondering if he has taken a line before work etc.
I know that this weekend he consumed 2 gms of cocaine on his own in the space of 12 hours. When we have talked about how much he takes he admitted when things were really tough with his mum passing he was taking it every day before work to give him energy to get through the day. It upset me hearing that so much that I didn't know what to say back to him so just listened to him talk.
The more I worry about his use of cocaine the more I notice obvious signs of how much he takes. He's started to loose all his nose hair, his eyes are always sore looking, he always looks groggy and he has had a cold since the day we met. He also has a very husky voice, has trouble sleeping at times, has either great moods or very low, depressive moods, our sex life is also suffering because of it.
Because I didn't know him before his mum died I am not entirely sure if this is a new phase he is going through but from what he tells me and others it is. I feel like this is his escape, his way of dealing with her death but it's obviously not working. He also drinks a huge amount of Gin.
He has some really great qualities about him, and when he is sober I love spending time with him. I guess I just feel very confused and trapped.
I don't know what is best to do.. I don't know if I should confront him face on and say to him he has to slow down or I cannot see him anymore, but I would be constantly worried about him and know it would have a very detrimental affect on him and I would feel incredibly guilty. Or, do I carry on saying nothing and just be there for him? Part of me loves him a great deal although we haven't been together all that long, and that part of me wants to help him get through this. The other part of me thinks there is nothing I can do.
I apologise for such a long thread- it's just been very hard not having someone to fully talk about everything to and who has good advice. Any advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks for taking the time to read this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Welcome to SR Chlloe 
You'll find a lot of support here
I also recommend you look at our family and friends forum
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
You'll find a lot of support here
I also recommend you look at our family and friends forum
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
I'm going to spell this out to you in pretty stark terms here, sorry if it's not what you want to hear 
You're 23, he's 30. You have no ring on, you don't have kids together, you don't even live together. And he's strung out on cocaine, and has been lying to you since you met.
You sound like a sharp young woman ... so I trust you can handle my being painfully honest here ... USE YOUR HEAD, and RUN. As fast as your legs can carry you. You deserve more for yourself than being a little co-dependent groupie chick.
You're not doing yourself, nor him, any favors by sticking around and putting yourself through this worry and misery-by-proxy. Seriously. RUN AWAY. And make no bones about WHY you are outtie. And DON'T leave doors open with him, even if you do in your own heart.
I'm here to tell ya ... nothing gets people who are addicted to REALIZE that they're screwing up ... better than the sense that they're LOSING things in life that matter to them. So not only are you doing yourself a solid by leaving, you're doing him one as well.
It's one thing when people are married with kids, and committed to a life together. But in your particular situation ... it's totally different.
Again, sorry if it's not what you wanna hear, but speaking as the addict in this side of the equation, I'm here to tell ya ... you ain't gonna fix him by sticking around. You're making a very classic logical mistake here ... ask any codie around these parts
One other thing ... addicts and alcoholics (which it very much sounds like he is) do NOT SLOW DOWN. They either quit completely, and begin to live a life of recovery (aka complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol), or they keep doing more and more until they end up in jail, rehab, or they die. Those are the options. If your 'terms' are 'he needs to slow down' ... you can FORGET that option.
You're 23, he's 30. You have no ring on, you don't have kids together, you don't even live together. And he's strung out on cocaine, and has been lying to you since you met.
You sound like a sharp young woman ... so I trust you can handle my being painfully honest here ... USE YOUR HEAD, and RUN. As fast as your legs can carry you. You deserve more for yourself than being a little co-dependent groupie chick.
You're not doing yourself, nor him, any favors by sticking around and putting yourself through this worry and misery-by-proxy. Seriously. RUN AWAY. And make no bones about WHY you are outtie. And DON'T leave doors open with him, even if you do in your own heart.
I'm here to tell ya ... nothing gets people who are addicted to REALIZE that they're screwing up ... better than the sense that they're LOSING things in life that matter to them. So not only are you doing yourself a solid by leaving, you're doing him one as well.
It's one thing when people are married with kids, and committed to a life together. But in your particular situation ... it's totally different.
Again, sorry if it's not what you wanna hear, but speaking as the addict in this side of the equation, I'm here to tell ya ... you ain't gonna fix him by sticking around. You're making a very classic logical mistake here ... ask any codie around these parts
One other thing ... addicts and alcoholics (which it very much sounds like he is) do NOT SLOW DOWN. They either quit completely, and begin to live a life of recovery (aka complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol), or they keep doing more and more until they end up in jail, rehab, or they die. Those are the options. If your 'terms' are 'he needs to slow down' ... you can FORGET that option.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: England
Posts: 276
When I was addicted to cociane I refused to listen to anyone who told me to calm down . One of my best friends told me that I needed to stop but I just didn't care, it was all about the drug, with everything comming second.
He needs to want to change his life for the better - if he refuses then there is little you can do.
Its probably going to get a lot worse if you stay with him - think carefully if you want to try and have a relationship with a heavy drug user.
He needs to want to change his life for the better - if he refuses then there is little you can do.
Its probably going to get a lot worse if you stay with him - think carefully if you want to try and have a relationship with a heavy drug user.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Welcome Chlloe,
I'm glad you posted this thread on here. Really hit home for me, because i had been in the exact situation for 5 years before i had to leave him.
Musician, drinking and snorting coke on nights out. This was weekly or twice weekly.
It drove me insane. He would promise to 'cut down' to maybe once a month, but of course by the weekend he would have an excuse to drink and take coke again (eg, stressful day at work)
There would be excuses in all forms. Even saying it was cause his nan died, or he had an argument with someone, or it was his friends birthday etc.
He would be up for at least 8 hours. Mostly it was 18 hours or more. Sometimes 2 days. Sometimes he would go to work having not slept.
He would sleep off a hangover until the following weekend and start again.
Only when i became ready to leave could i leave. It took me 5 years. But i feel like it was 5 years wasted.
Does this sound farmiliar?
You can PM me if you want to talk in more depth, but i do completely understand how you're feeling because i've been there.
It's literally a rollercoaster and no matter how long you stay with him, nothing will change unless he wants to change for himself. Being in the environment he's in too, will make it even harder for him. You can't change him or make decisions for him.
You need to ask yourself how long you're willing to stay and what you're willing to accept from a relationship. I had to do this also.
It takes time, and people here are kind and can offer you tough love when you need it, or even just listen if that's all you need.
Many hugs,
Limiya
I'm glad you posted this thread on here. Really hit home for me, because i had been in the exact situation for 5 years before i had to leave him.
Musician, drinking and snorting coke on nights out. This was weekly or twice weekly.
It drove me insane. He would promise to 'cut down' to maybe once a month, but of course by the weekend he would have an excuse to drink and take coke again (eg, stressful day at work)
There would be excuses in all forms. Even saying it was cause his nan died, or he had an argument with someone, or it was his friends birthday etc.
He would be up for at least 8 hours. Mostly it was 18 hours or more. Sometimes 2 days. Sometimes he would go to work having not slept.
He would sleep off a hangover until the following weekend and start again.
Only when i became ready to leave could i leave. It took me 5 years. But i feel like it was 5 years wasted.
Does this sound farmiliar?
You can PM me if you want to talk in more depth, but i do completely understand how you're feeling because i've been there.
It's literally a rollercoaster and no matter how long you stay with him, nothing will change unless he wants to change for himself. Being in the environment he's in too, will make it even harder for him. You can't change him or make decisions for him.
You need to ask yourself how long you're willing to stay and what you're willing to accept from a relationship. I had to do this also.
It takes time, and people here are kind and can offer you tough love when you need it, or even just listen if that's all you need.
Many hugs,
Limiya
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 67
I co-sign eveything above.
No offense to you, but you are still a young, fresh-faced & fresh-hearted, all too forgiving (yes, there is such a thing), sweet young lady and this musician/junkie isn't going to change for you. In all likelihood, he will use up all your goodwill and "mothering" you give him, oh, and the "free" sex, then move on to the next 23 yr old when you realize he's never going to change after you've wasted many "good" years of your youth on him.
Been there, done that, got the divorce to prove it.
And, sadly, Mothers die everyday. Plenty of children handle lots worse tragedy without cocaine, believe it or not.
One last thing: When people SHOW you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! All the right words in the world mean nothing compared to their actions.
No offense to you, but you are still a young, fresh-faced & fresh-hearted, all too forgiving (yes, there is such a thing), sweet young lady and this musician/junkie isn't going to change for you. In all likelihood, he will use up all your goodwill and "mothering" you give him, oh, and the "free" sex, then move on to the next 23 yr old when you realize he's never going to change after you've wasted many "good" years of your youth on him.
Been there, done that, got the divorce to prove it.
And, sadly, Mothers die everyday. Plenty of children handle lots worse tragedy without cocaine, believe it or not.
One last thing: When people SHOW you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! All the right words in the world mean nothing compared to their actions.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
