strugglerf

Hi, I just joined today. I am on day 12 (the end of) off of lortabs. I was taking about 50-60 mg's a day for a very long time. I used them because I found very quickly that they gave me a ton of energy. It wasn't long before I had to have them to do everything. I had to have pills to work, wake up, shop, cook dinner, through my kids' birthday parties, travel, etc. They consumed my life; taking them, looking for them & just having enough. I've wanted to quit for a long time, but knew that I would have to tell my husband my secret for his support. I'd finally had enough & wanted my life back. 13 days ago I told my husband & 12 days ago I started this long road to recovery. I have 3 kids who are my world and a full time job. The last couple of days I've felt so depressed like I'm never going to feel 'normal'! Will I ever be able to go one minute without thinking about pills & feeling so mentally weak. I have been clean off of meth tor 6 years now. I did 90 days of rehab for that & took so much from that but it was different. When I was on meth I had a total reckless lifestyle & once I graduated & started a normal lifestyle I was good yo go with no looking back. However, with the pills, I incorporated them onto my 'seemingly' normal life - working, raising 3 kids, soccer mom life. That life is not going to change so now I'm struggling doing the same routine that I did with pills, now without pills. At day 12, I'm feeling 'ok' physically but mentally - a war rages on in my mind!! Will this pass? Am I naive in thinking I can keep the same day to day routine

Benjaminn

Hey strugglerf welcome to the forums! I'm also fairly new here and I'm about to be on day 6 tomorrow so I know what your getting at mentally its absolutely a nightmare. I have relapsed every 7-14 days in the past year and a half because I just can't get those negative thoughts out of my head. I broke my cell phone so I would stop getting text messages from drug dealers but I still have phone numbers floating around in my brain its hard not to think about saying eff it! I would have relapsed today if dude didn't flake out on me and that scares the crap outta me cause I really don't wanna use its just I have periods where the urge is so bad I can't help it. Hang in there I am also hoping it will get better!

NewAttitude

Strugg,
Everything you are experiencing is very normal. You will get through this--it just sucks for a while.

Read the older threads about getting clean; there's a lot of wisdom in them.

Hang in there, you are not alone.

Keep posting!

Blessings~~

keltie

Strug, the malaise lingers for awhile. I felt it as acute depression. I think exercise, trying to get fresh air and sun and just lowering your expectations for a while helps. I'm in the exact same boat. Easier said than done. Just come on here and bitch with us!! I also joined NA and find that the spiritual aspect of it is very comforting.

bval

Welcome Struggler. You've come to the right place. We nearly all know exactly what you're going through ... been there, done that, got the t-shirt as they say.

I suggest that you give yourself a break here. 12 days isn't that long, your brain is just now starting to get normal, it's not 'there yet'. You CAN do all these things w/o the pills. It may not seem like it now, but you CAN, believe me. It's tough right now, but if you DON'T PICK UP, things WILL get better, there's nothing I'm more sure of in this world ... I know cause I've been through it, more than once

So easy does it, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, focus on doing 'the next right thing', and try not to THINK too much. That's what gets ya. Friggin' thinking. It's not good, when you're in early recovery, to think too much, esp. when it comes to pondering all of life's questions. You're not ready for it yet, so DON'T, kay?

Anyways, best of luck to you, and keep comin' back

strugglerf

Thank u so much. Begin day 13!I thinkmy goal today will be to go easy on myself & really just try to keep my mind clear(er)! Just one hour at a time today instead of the whole day.

bval

Those are the perfect goals for today ... all of life's questions can wait for now

strugglerf

Almost done with work on day 13!! Had a great day - kept my mind busy & pushed out any thoughts of pills. When the thoughts tried to come in i pushed them out & focused on something worthy of my time!! Have bible study tonight, which i LOVE because i feel so safe there. Then it's home, bathe the kids, & glorious bedtime (which i love that time these days). Ya know, i think i got day 13 licked!! Happy right this moment which is a new feeling for me that i think i could get used to!

strugglerf

Begin day 14! Wow 2 weeks and I haven't died! Just woke up, feeling ok. Still getting used to not going straight to the pills to wake up. I just keep remembering it is normal to be tired for about half hour after waking up, that doesn't mean its pill related lol! The stradegy worked yesterday, push out any thoughts of pills & redirect focus on something else. Gonna do it again today. Optimistic today

keltie

Good job! I admire your strength!

finaltime

Wow day 14! Good work. Nice that you say you look forward to bedtime now. As your body continues to heal you will start sleeping like a rock, then eventually waking up on your own feeling refreshed. When I was going through withdrawals I found a cup of sleepy time tea really helped me sleep. I would accept that my body during the first few weeks will naturally wake up every morning around 4am. And not reaching for a pill first thing was very hard for me, as my morning high was by far my favorite. Then the rest of the day I would try to reach that same high by taking more and more, never to get it though. Have you experienced your first real laugh yet? That was my favorite part of recovery!! Laughing again! It's so sad how pills took that from me. And my husband is super funny, to think of the last 3 years of missing laughing makes me sad. But I can look forward to enjoying laughing for the rest of my life if I can get through this. Stay strong and keep writing!

heyitsme

Hi Strugglerf -- welcome, welcome to SR! This place has been my refuge for the last couple of months. Even when I screw up, I know that I can come on here admit it and move on! Congrats on day 14, that is quite an achievement. I am right behind you on day 9. I struggle with the same things that you do. I incorporated pills in to my everyday, normal life. so how do I know live a normal life without them?!?! I just try to remember that not everybody has endless amounts of energy ALL THE TIME! You don't have to work all day, then make dinner, take care of the kiddos and clean the entire house after they go to sleep. I used to do this daily, because the pills gave me the energy to do it all. People have up days and down. Days with more energy and less energy. I just try to do what I can for the day, and let the rest go.

I already feel better on day 9, then I did constantly worrying about pills, aquiring pills and what was I going to do when I ran out. If I had something planned -- I would have to make sure I had enough pills to do it. If not, I would always bow out. I like not having to worry about that anymore.

You got this, do not go back! I know that I am not going too.

TheReader

I love to see laughter return to others as it also did to me. Actually, I did not notice I did not laugh when I was using. I may have chuckled a bit, but over the past year clean, there have been times when I couldn't speak I was laughing so hard.

Another "wonderful side effect" of being clean is the moments of clarity and noticing things you never noticed for years. I was about three months opiate free when driving home from work one day I noticed two beautiful magnolia trees on the side of the road I traveled for many years. I never noticed them before. I have many other examples like this where it is if a veil was lifted and a new world stood in front of me.

To all those in the first few weeks of recovery, you do have some wonderful delights of life to look forward to. It is true, not all will be rosy, but that is real life and our challenge is now to live in that world just like everyone else.

strugglerf

Thank u so much for your encouragement. However, i found a 5mg lortab in my coat pocket today that i haven't worn in awhile & i took it. I was so weak!! I am so disappointed in myself & feel like i don't deserve any positive feedback today. I CANNOT believe i have let myself down. The only good thing i can take from this is that it didn't make me feel as good as i thought it would. It made me feel worse & guilty & ill. Ugh, i hate this so bad. I wish i could go back to when i woke up this morning & make the choice over again. Yesterday i was sooooo strong. What happened?

heyitsme

Strugglerf, don't beat yourself up over it! So you messed up, I think it is a part of recovery. Honestly, if I found a pill in a coat pocket I don't know if I would be able to resist taking it as well. Hey, it is there, why not?? You learned your lesson. I have done that in the past. Made it to 10 or 11 days and then my back hurts, or I am not sleeping and I justify taking a pill. Usually it makes me feel like crap and sick. Not at all how I felt when I would take them on a regular basis. How you felt today - sick from taking it, is how I think 'normal' people feel when they take pain pills. It makes them sick, so they don't like taking them.

Just realize that you made a mistake. And tell yourself, I am an addict. I can never take one pill again. Because one pill is not enough and too much all at the same time.

Please don't give up just from this little mishap... I think it has happened to all of us.

strugglerf

I am always so hard on myself about everything - its the way I'm wired I guess. I did tell my husband about my mistake & he is working on forgiving me. I do feel good that I didn't keep it a secret because that really would be falling into old habits!! Its just so hard! Tomorrow is a new day, thank the Lord for that because I just want to put today behind me! Thanks for the support!!

heyitsme

I think that is good that you told on yourself. I have been a member since Nov. 2011... doesn't mean that I have been clean for that entire time. I quit, then restarted, quit then restarted. I post on the kicking the oxys thread on a regular basis... if you want to hear my story. Today, I am 9 days clean. I made the decision for myself that I would not go back. That I CANNOT do that anymore. Once I made that decision for myself, I feel at more peace with myself.

Believe me, we have all been there. Do not beat yourself up or be too hard on yourself. The people in your life that love you - will understand and stand by you. They just want you to be happy and to be free. Tomorrow is another day. A day to make the decision to not use. Be aware, that you may feel like crap, or you may not. But don't give up because of one lousy pill.

Keep posting!! This place has helped me so much!! When I want to use, I come here and read... it keeps me honest. Stay honest with yourself. We are all here to back you up!

keltie

Yes! Same thing happened to me. My doc is allowing me one vicodin per day while we wait for my pain mgmt referral to come thru, and my plan is to have my mother hold them. They are out of my house, and she gives me my one per day. Of course I took three before I could give them to her and woke up feeling like i was in withdrawals and just feeling physically AWFUL. I didn't like it at all. I have not had any today and it's been my best day yet.

likehappiness

I am on day 15 once again. Relapsed after ten months. So i am back to square one but glad. The drugs just consume everything. The morning is still a bad time for me..but i ignore that nagging feeling and say screw you pills.. its like having the angel and devil on both shoulders duking it out. Going with the good me.

lostgirl25

The fact that you told on yourself and recognize the danger if a good thing. Don't beat up on yourself. It's only failure if you give up and go back in the hole. Now stay strong and I'll be praying for you. You can do it.