My addiction.... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Fiara · 12-08-2003, 10:25 AM

Well where do I begin. I am now 25 years old. In the past I occasionally smoked pot or tripped on acid but that's it. I am a very strong, independant woman that always seemed to make the impossible, possible. I knew better than to get involved in other drugs, swore I would never try it. I thought you had to have an addictive personality to use or become addicted. I found out I was wrong. Addiction is the use of anything, or certain things in excess, to avoid your problems, the real issue.
I realize now why I started using Heroin. And how it progressed until I was completely wrapped in it's lethal embrace. I tried it at 23. I was depressed a lot because I was at a point where I was coming of age. Figuring out and becoming comfortable with who I was. I was around people that used and feeling a part of something made me mistakenly feel comfortable. Accepted. It started out as a weekend thing, to have fun, let go. Then as those familiar feelings of not being good enough and being unhappy with my life came, I started using more frequently to numb the sad feelings I felt. I thought I had control over it, and I would never let it have control over me. But slowly and surely it got worse. It made me feel so "normal" that I could handle anything. And not being on it made me feel anxious, again with the feeling that I couldn't handle all my problems. I knew it was serious, after all, now I had begun shooting up. I was laid-off from my job, which made me more depressed. This gave me more time and reason to numb myself.
People say you have to hit rock bottom to stop using. To make the final concious choice to quit. I don't believe that, because rock bottom would be death. Anyone with a progressive addiction is constantly hit with a new low. It depends on the person and their resources to determine if and when they stop. I had wanted to stop for a long time. But as long as I was in the area I was living, it was hard not to use. I had to get it away from me. And I had to learn how to handle life sober and not panic over the problems in everyday life. I had to learn to feel calm again, on my own. I finally, after 2 years of using, struggled and quit on my own. With a bottle of methadone for physical withdrawl, but the mental was up to me. I wanted a simple life again. And I was trying to save my freedom before I ended up as my poor husband, in jail.
I was a success. But unfortunately, shortly after I quit, I became very ill. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I first felt very weak with night sweats, fever, rapid heart rate. I could barely eat or stand up. By the time I got to the hospital, I was on the brink of dying. I found out I had a common disease associated with I.V. drug-users, endocarditis. A staph. infection on one of my heart valves which sent blood clots to my lungs and spread the infection there. Luckily this fatal disease was caught and I was treated before it killed me. But I also suffered complications and had to have heart surgery. In the future, I may have to replace my heart valve.
I have lost a lot because of my addiction. But it seems that I have been given a second life. If all of this has taught me something it has given me a reason to forever stay away and never go back to that kind of life. I can only hope to share my story and hope to reach a kindred someone. If I had been shown the true face of this drug instead of the pretty mask it wore, maybe I could have been spared some pain. Or maybe not, but the reality of it needs to be better broadcast. We need not make such painful, blind choices in the name of taboo.
PLEASE REPLY.....LOL

**Ann** · 12-08-2003, 10:31 AM

Fiara

I have copied this thread to the Substance Abuse forum, since you are looking for replies. I didn't move it to the Narcotics Anonymous forum since you made no mention of doing that progam, but please feel free to post there as well.

Hugs
Ann

Stephanie · 12-08-2003, 10:04 PM

Hi Fiara,

Welcome to Soberrecovery. Yours is a good message. I am glad you have a certain resolve not to return to the life you knew with drugs. For some reason it's easier to paint a pretty picture and call it denial than it is to constantly see the reality of its destruction.

I have had to be didligent in my recovery to keep the horror in my mind of what drugs did to me. I think your story is a good lesson and will help many. Please keep posting and contribute to other peoples post. I do believe you could help others with your story.

Captain Morgan · 12-08-2003, 11:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Fiara
. Addiction is the use of anything, or certain things in excess, to avoid your problems, the real issue.

This is so true. I have been addicted to anything and everything I coiuld figuratively get my hands on. I have been addicted to all these things; they were all a means of escape from reality:

1. Bodybuilding (working out, eating every 3 hours, my phsyique, my weight, my strength)

2. Computers ( Chat, computer and playstation games: Team Fortress, Tomb Raider, etc.)

3. Alcohol

4. A particular girl. ( She rejected me years before - scary) I think I was obsessed with the rejection rather than the girl.

5. School

6. Soberrecovery

7. Misery

8. Chaos - My #1 Addiction

9. ETC...

amanda_76 · 12-09-2003, 03:16 PM

That is so true....chaos is my number 1 addiction also.
Without chaos....where would I be?!?
(I dont think there is a detox program for chaos) For the logest time I felt the cure for Chaos and all of the other addictions was death.....but I am different now. Thank God

Captain Morgan · 12-09-2003, 03:56 PM

For some reason, I've always been afraid of living a prosaic life. Things that "normal" people do bores the fill in the blank out of me. Now that I'm being shoved into reality I feel like I've been buried alive. Who would have thought the poetic life exists only in poems and not in real life?

amanda_76 · 12-09-2003, 04:18 PM

oh man....you said it.

chosen1888 · 12-15-2003, 02:31 PM

Glad to hear your story. I needed a remember when with the drugs. Now I'm into my food addiction. I stopped using alcohol & drugs 11 years ago and I quit smoking. I go from 1 compulsion to another. I am going to start a awol in feb. so I should go though the 12 steps with a fine tooth comb. I need an over haul. I'm getting stinking thinking and I don't wnat to go back there again.

danmo1 · 01-03-2004, 09:10 PM

Fiara,
Your story really brought back some old, painful memories. I was engaged to a girl 19 years ago who had survived endocarditus after having a valve replaced. We both started using again. The endocarditus returned. She died at the tender age of 29. It's a deadly disease. Be sure to get regular check-ups.
I wish you long life and happiness.

anna27 · 01-05-2004, 07:03 PM

glad to hear things are working out truely i am i have posted a message in drug addiction and i think you have given me the answers that i have been looking for albeit its not the news i wanted to hear but now i know waht my brother is fighting as well as his addiction
love and peace
anna

12-08-2003, 10:25 AM	#1 (permalink)
Fiara Paused Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Baltimore, MD Posts: 2	My addiction.... Well where do I begin. I am now 25 years old. In the past I occasionally smoked pot or tripped on acid but that's it. I am a very strong, independant woman that always seemed to make the impossible, possible. I knew better than to get involved in other drugs, swore I would never try it. I thought you had to have an addictive personality to use or become addicted. I found out I was wrong. Addiction is the use of anything, or certain things in excess, to avoid your problems, the real issue. I realize now why I started using Heroin. And how it progressed until I was completely wrapped in it's lethal embrace. I tried it at 23. I was depressed a lot because I was at a point where I was coming of age. Figuring out and becoming comfortable with who I was. I was around people that used and feeling a part of something made me mistakenly feel comfortable. Accepted. It started out as a weekend thing, to have fun, let go. Then as those familiar feelings of not being good enough and being unhappy with my life came, I started using more frequently to numb the sad feelings I felt. I thought I had control over it, and I would never let it have control over me. But slowly and surely it got worse. It made me feel so "normal" that I could handle anything. And not being on it made me feel anxious, again with the feeling that I couldn't handle all my problems. I knew it was serious, after all, now I had begun shooting up. I was laid-off from my job, which made me more depressed. This gave me more time and reason to numb myself. People say you have to hit rock bottom to stop using. To make the final concious choice to quit. I don't believe that, because rock bottom would be death. Anyone with a progressive addiction is constantly hit with a new low. It depends on the person and their resources to determine if and when they stop. I had wanted to stop for a long time. But as long as I was in the area I was living, it was hard not to use. I had to get it away from me. And I had to learn how to handle life sober and not panic over the problems in everyday life. I had to learn to feel calm again, on my own. I finally, after 2 years of using, struggled and quit on my own. With a bottle of methadone for physical withdrawl, but the mental was up to me. I wanted a simple life again. And I was trying to save my freedom before I ended up as my poor husband, in jail. I was a success. But unfortunately, shortly after I quit, I became very ill. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I first felt very weak with night sweats, fever, rapid heart rate. I could barely eat or stand up. By the time I got to the hospital, I was on the brink of dying. I found out I had a common disease associated with I.V. drug-users, endocarditis. A staph. infection on one of my heart valves which sent blood clots to my lungs and spread the infection there. Luckily this fatal disease was caught and I was treated before it killed me. But I also suffered complications and had to have heart surgery. In the future, I may have to replace my heart valve. I have lost a lot because of my addiction. But it seems that I have been given a second life. If all of this has taught me something it has given me a reason to forever stay away and never go back to that kind of life. I can only hope to share my story and hope to reach a kindred someone. If I had been shown the true face of this drug instead of the pretty mask it wore, maybe I could have been spared some pain. Or maybe not, but the reality of it needs to be better broadcast. We need not make such painful, blind choices in the name of taboo. PLEASE REPLY.....LOL

12-08-2003, 10:31 AM	#2 (permalink)
Ann Forum Leader Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: By The Lake Posts: 25,172	Fiara I have copied this thread to the Substance Abuse forum, since you are looking for replies. I didn't move it to the Narcotics Anonymous forum since you made no mention of doing that progam, but please feel free to post there as well. Hugs Ann __________________ “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~Winnie the Pooh~

12-08-2003, 10:04 PM	#3 (permalink)
Stephanie Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: The Basement Posts: 724	Hi Fiara, Welcome to Soberrecovery. Yours is a good message. I am glad you have a certain resolve not to return to the life you knew with drugs. For some reason it's easier to paint a pretty picture and call it denial than it is to constantly see the reality of its destruction. I have had to be didligent in my recovery to keep the horror in my mind of what drugs did to me. I think your story is a good lesson and will help many. Please keep posting and contribute to other peoples post. I do believe you could help others with your story. __________________ It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out â€“ it's the grain of sand in your shoe. Robert Service

12-09-2003, 03:56 PM	#6 (permalink)
Captain Morgan member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Boulevard of Broken Dreams Posts: 281	For some reason, I've always been afraid of living a prosaic life. Things that "normal" people do bores the fill in the blank out of me. Now that I'm being shoved into reality I feel like I've been buried alive. Who would have thought the poetic life exists only in poems and not in real life? __________________ Psalm 8 3When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained; 4What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?

01-03-2004, 09:10 PM	#9 (permalink)
danmo1 Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: tempe, az Posts: 7	Fiara, Your story really brought back some old, painful memories. I was engaged to a girl 19 years ago who had survived endocarditus after having a valve replaced. We both started using again. The endocarditus returned. She died at the tender age of 29. It's a deadly disease. Be sure to get regular check-ups. I wish you long life and happiness. __________________ az dan

12-09-2003, 03:16 PM	#5 (permalink)
amanda_76 Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Happyville Posts: 23	That is so true....chaos is my number 1 addiction also. Without chaos....where would I be?!? (I dont think there is a detox program for chaos) For the logest time I felt the cure for Chaos and all of the other addictions was death.....but I am different now. Thank God

12-09-2003, 04:18 PM	#7 (permalink)
amanda_76 Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Happyville Posts: 23	oh man....you said it.

12-15-2003, 02:31 PM	#8 (permalink)
chosen1888 Paused Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Ma. Posts: 14	Glad to hear your story. I needed a remember when with the drugs. Now I'm into my food addiction. I stopped using alcohol & drugs 11 years ago and I quit smoking. I go from 1 compulsion to another. I am going to start a awol in feb. so I should go though the 12 steps with a fine tooth comb. I need an over haul. I'm getting stinking thinking and I don't wnat to go back there again.

01-05-2004, 07:03 PM	#10 (permalink)
anna27 Paused Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: uk Posts: 1	glad to hear things are working out truely i am i have posted a message in drug addiction and i think you have given me the answers that i have been looking for albeit its not the news i wanted to hear but now i know waht my brother is fighting as well as his addiction love and peace anna

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