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How Do You Remain Positive? - Day 11 w/o Oxy

Old 10-11-2011, 11:49 AM
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How Do You Remain Positive? - Day 11 w/o Oxy

Hi,
I'm new to the forums, and just want to say thank you in advance for all those on here contributing their stories, their triumphs, their insecurities, their routing each on, etc. This place is a real inspiration.

My history: recreationally started with Vikes 4 years ago. At one time, a Vike 500 would send me to the moon. That wore off within 7 months...then it took several to feel good. I have legit medical illnesses: an IDB disease, advanced stage Lyme disease, arthritis in my knees, and scoliosis. So, taking them helped me physically, and also having been diagnosed with clinical depression, it was a miracle drug.

I soon moved on to Oxys and was taking 40-60 mg/day for a few years. This past August, I entered an outpatiend program, and put on Suboxone. BIG HUGE MISTAKE. It nearly killed me. I was allergic to it, and it made my brain swell. I was on 4 mg/day strips for 4 weeks. I tapered down for 2 weeks, and was in w/d's the entire time: hot/cold sweats, crying fits, vomiting, stomach aches, no appetite, constant nausea, passing bloody stools, vomiting blood....I would have rather taken a bullet. I lost so much weight that I was scared I would have to be hospitalized and couldn't take the Sub anymore. I lost over 25 lbs in 2.5 weeks from the time I tapered down. I thought the diahrea and vomiting would stop. It didn't.

So, I got some more Oxy's so I could stabilize my body. However before tht, I tried the Immodium and the other pills the docs prescribe to help with the runs, but they didn't work. My body was quickly wasting away and even though i hadn't taken an oxy in 4 weeks, I was willing to have enough self-control to use them for a week and then taper as my body healed. I did it with 15 mg oxys.

It has been 11 days. The first four were tough. Except, unlike the Suboxone w/d's, I didn't have a bone-crushing headache...the Suboxone can make your brain swell in some people (they just don't tell you that). I got the typical runny nose, stuffed up sinuses, flu-like symptoms, aches, pains, and the diahrea and vomiting stopped.

I may be the exception to the rule, but the Oxy helped me (with God sent disclipline) to deal with the terrible ravishings that the Suboxone had on my body.

Again, I'm at day 11, and I thought I was out of the woods. Yesterday, I got extremely depressed (caught my boyfriend in a huge lie, plus it's depressing that he is a raging vicodan addict ), and drank an entire bottle of wine by myself. Yesterday was the first day that the overpowering urge to use was at it's complete max. I fought it all the way...although, I drank it away.

I missed work today due to the hangover, and depression. I'm eating, and trying to focus on good things, but disappointed that i drank. And I am not a drinker...maybe 3 glasses of wine a year. No joke.

People talk about this depression - the mental part - that creeps up after the initial withdrawals. Well, here it is. I'm not on ANY medications for depression like I had for years. I quit those before I tackled my oxy addiction. The reason was that I was foggy, forgetful, complacent, and had gained a ton of weight, and never felt even "ok"on them.

Despite my battle with my oxy habit, I felt clear headed after a few months I stopped the depression meds. That gave me the inspiration to stop the oxy's.

So, thanks for getting this far with me here...my question is: What Now? How do you remain positive? I only have 11 days at being sober. I'm still sneezing, and have to push myself to get off the couch and go to work, and still can get bouts of the runs, but feel way better than a week ago.

I can't turn to my b/f because he is a completely emotionally numb addict that I'm planning on leaving eventually...we don't see each other that much, so he is not a constant reminder, except that his moods are night and day when he has, or has not had his fix.

I feel so alone. No one knows about my addiction. I live alone, so it is easy to hide. I just would love to have a hug right now or some positive words of encouragement.

Thank you for reading....
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Old 10-11-2011, 01:00 PM
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Hi there VioletFlash - you are not alone in the depression department. After the acute withdrawals are ebbing we have to face part 2 which is known as post acute withdrawal symptom (PAWS for short). Not as intense but still a ride...

I have always dealt with depression and am now back on a light dosage of antidepressant that I did not need when I was on my oxy ride. That is oxy's great lie - it seems like a miracle drug at first curing all our ailments from pain to depression.

I have included a link for PAWS which helps explain what to expect. You may or may not need to see about managing your depression with an MD as you work your way through recovery. Hopefully this article will help. It was given to me by another member who has amazing knowledge on the subject of addiction and recovery from oxys.

PAWS « Digital Dharma
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Old 10-11-2011, 04:07 PM
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Hi VF,

Spica is spot on. Oxys have strong antidepressant effects, and going off will give a lot of people rebound depression, especially if they were ever depressed before. I also take a mild antidepressant prescribed by my doc that makes most people sleepy, so I take it at bedtime and it helps with that, too.

11 days is too soon to expect to feel better. You've been through some terrible withdrawals with suboxone, so I wouldn't expect you will find oxy withdrawal more than you can tolerate.

A lot of us who choose to reject oxycodone use for pain were originally put on it for that very reason. It's just that oxys quit working as well after awhile, and you need so much to even feel normal, you're toxic before you know it. I have severe osteoarthritis and two artificial knees, and my pain is much less off the oxycodone than it was while taking it. There are lots of docs who will work with you for pain without using narcotics to do it. So work with your doc about that.

You can get through this. I would address the depression if you think it is an issue, because the "miracle drug" that we all thought oxycodone was is difficult to match, probably because our brains were never intended for the dopamine rush that opiates give. It sets the bar too high for what natural endorphins are able to do in the early days off opiates, so give it time.

Good luck, and keep coming back to share how you are doing and get help from all the good posters on this forum.

FT
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:46 PM
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Hi VF

I'm not gonna lie, the depression isn't just going to go away on it's own. FT is right-- oxy is a fantastic anti-depressant for a while. But as you found out, it stops working eventually and the depression will be there waiting for you. You've gotta work on that-- either through NA, counseling, religion, something. Depression does not just fix itself.

Having said that, we're all here to give you a hug. You can do this. Just take it day by day. It's not only a matter of not using, it's a matter of finding ways to be happy with your real life. What works the best for me is enjoying things that I could never do high. What did you used to love doing that you gave up because of the drugs? What have you always wanted to do but never got around to?

And never forget why you quit in the first place. Write it down if you have to because it's easy to forget.

Granted that's easier said than done. I'm a chronic relapser who's still on suboxone. But maybe it's true-- those who can't do teach

Hang in there!
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